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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is a normal relationship supposed to be like?

102 replies

FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 08:10

I've been in a relationship just over a year. Everything happened very quickly, one day I was single, the next he was staying over and here most of the time. Unusual for me as I don't rush into anything. On a good day, we're like best friends. We can talk for hours, we like the same music, we know the same people, same sense of humour, we like the same things, know what the other one is thinking. We are very similar people. It should be perfect, I can't say I've ever met anyone I clicked with so well. I've been Ill a lot the last year and he's been great in looking after me.

But it's far from perfect, we argue a lot. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. He's very intense, will tell me how much he loves me over and over then the next minute he's screaming in my face over something daft. The goalposts are always moving, I think I've gotten used to the things that aggravate him and avoid doing them (we all have our silly gripes, for me it's anyone leaving wrappers about for example) but then the next day it'll be something different.

I feel used and unappreciated. I make his sandwiches for work, I clean the house all day every day, two kids a dog and four cats make a lot of mess! He comes in, his tea is cooked then all night I'm up and down making him cups of tea, fetching him drinks, running his bath. Ok it's not difficult but it means I never get time to relax properly. He works long hours I appreciate that but I spend all day on my own scrubbing the bloody house and he comes in, eats tea then falls asleep. He doesn't earn much money, when he gets paid every month it's all gone on bills for his own house. I have to budget for us for food and I don't have much money as I was made redundant then I had health issues that have made it difficult to find work.

I just can't see a future for us. He talks about getting married but I know that's never going to happen, he can't afford a ring let alone a wedding. I'm blamed for everything, I'm lazy, I'm a useless partner....when I bring up the fact I've had payday loans to keep us and he hasn't contributed a penny he'll go on about how he'll drive me anywhere I need to go (I can't drive) and how he looks after me when me health is playing up (he does).

I'm asking honestly because I've never had a relationship like this. I've only ever lived with one person and then I was a lone parent for 15 years. Are these normal gripes that couples work at, or is something very wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 08:46

Ah well squeegle, such is mumsnet, I've been a member over ten years. I think I knew really it isn't right but when there's no one to ask you kind of believe it. Sad really.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2014 08:46

The term seems to have originated in Viz and their definition was something like 'bloke who targets a single mum who is so desperate for male company that he will be able to move in, get his washing done, his meals cooked and sit on her sofa watching DVDs all day in return for an occasional couple of minutes of scuttling from behind'

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:46

it's what my son's dad tried to do. within days i was engulfed by his presence, he was putting his food in my fridge, leaving his stuff around my place, trying to stay over every night and ignoring any subtle/obvious signs, hints and outright statements that i needed space pushing me to having to actually throw him out and deal with the emotional blackmail of his faux shock and hurt if i did.

by the time i found out i was pregnant a few months later i was already extricating him from my life and had made good progress on getting rid of him. you should have seen his glee when he found out i was pregnant - he would HAVE to move in now, i couldn't possibly manage alone ya da ya da. errr no mate!

i kept my son obviously but continued with my no way am i going to be with this wannabe cocklodger/vampire and made clear i respected he was going to be a father and could be really involved with our child. once he finally got it in his head that i wasn't going to let him move in he decided to have nothing to do with the pregnancy and has never met his son despite olive branches etc.

just get rid of him and whatever you do don't have a child with him.

TheHoneyBadger · 15/03/2014 08:48

i had health problems too btw and an over abundance of empathy because i was on a counselling course at the time Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2014 08:49

Well now you have asked, you now know.

Do not ever let such a man get his feet so easily under your table again; he seems to be spending ever increasing amounts of time in your home and this is also part of their modus operandi.

How on earth did you meet such a chancer anyway, online?.

He needs to be gone from your life as of now because apart from anything else he is also showing your children damaging lessons on how relationships are actually conducted.

Fifyfomum · 15/03/2014 08:49

Well look one positive has come out of this. You have the perfect excuse to remove him from your house immediately 'the DWP contacted me today by phone and asked me to send in my information again and questioned me about having an extra adult in the house, I am worried and think you should go back to your own place for a while'

then just don't let him back in.

Fifyfomum · 15/03/2014 08:51

The thing is, these issues (using all the shampoo, bubble bath etc) are not a problem if you can TALK to someone about them and express how difficult things are for you right now, the issue is that you cannot discuss these things with him at all. That is a massive issue and by the sounds of it (him screaming in your face etc) it is not something you can get around. Take the path of least resistance, blame it on the benefits and get him out. Then have the conversation by phone about not wanting to go out with him anymore, if he comes round you can have the doors locked and phone the police.

Original poster
FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 08:52

We met through a mutual friend, she was married to his best friend donkeys years ago and always thought he was nice, he is, perfect gentleman until doors are closed.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2014 08:53

And your plan for getting shot is.....??

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2014 08:55

Yes, how are you going to get shot of this man who has invaded your life in such a cavalier manner?.

Original poster
FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 08:55

Sounds so petty doesn't it? The bubble bath etc, its laughable but it costs me money I just don't have. I'm seriously on my arse.

OP posts:
Stockhausen · 15/03/2014 08:56

"perfect gentleman until doors are closed"

:(

This sums it up, doesn't it?

Have you looked on here for further advice on abusive relationships etc?

There are some very knowledgeable ladies & contacts etc.

Fifyfomum · 15/03/2014 08:57

Its not petty, it is reasonable to assume that you can speak to your OH about issues that are costing you money.

That is the problem here, that you know you cannot talk to him without getting abuse. It needs to stop fecking

is he there today? Do you think you will kick him out? Have you got a male friend/brother/father who can be around while you do?

Original poster
FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 08:57

Lock the door and leave the key in? He's buggered off with my spare key, can't afford to change the lock.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 15/03/2014 08:58

Sounds like it is time for him to go back to his own house. Not bringing many positives with him is he? My ex was like this, I was lazy, untidy, had bad taste in music etc etc. the fact that I worked full time in quite a difficult job and did most of the child re etc seemed to pass him by.
Problem was as I was a people pleaser I just tried harder and harder to make him happy.

With the benefit of hindsight I know I wasn't doing anything wrong. And actually, life as single mum is a party compared to life with him!!!

rememberingnothing · 15/03/2014 08:58

To answer your OP. A "normal" relationship is now where the burden of being together is far I utweighed by the benefits of being together. You should be happier, have split the chores according to a well balanced way that suits you both and benefit from support to each other.

It seems that you don't tick these boxes and I'm sure you already know this really.

Good luck in whatever way you chose to tackle this.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 08:59

Does he actually live with you or just there a lot???

Why are you getting him cups of tea all night? Running his bath? When's he doing that for you?

No way would I put up with all of this...he's taking the piss. Why are you buying his toiletries?!

Please tells you're going to put an end to this ridiculous situation, he's a cocklodger. You're acting like his servant, cook, cleaner!!!

Fifyfomum · 15/03/2014 08:59

Well you probably will be able to afford changing the lock after you've removed him but anyway

the police might be able to help you with getting the key back. Pack up any stuff that he has at yours, leave it on the doorstep with a very visible note saying 'please post my key or it will be collected by the police'

Original poster
FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 09:00

I've got no one fify. But it's ok, he's never raised a hand to me so ill just keep the key in the door.

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 15/03/2014 09:01

A normal relationship is one where both parties emotional needs are met roughly most of the time, you are supported and can dependent on each other.

I have been with my DH for 16 years in total and he has never once screamed in my face or called me any names. If a man ever shouted and swore at me on a regular basis then he would go. £40 a week for all food and toiletries and being kept like a King is a very very sweet deal for him while you get a life of drudgery in return.

Gamer might have put it in an unpleasant way but if you are in receipt of benefits and housing benefits you cannot have him permanently living with you without declaring it. If you do not declare him living there then what you are doing is tantamount to benefit fraud. Do not leave it for the benefits agency to discover him living there as you will be heavily penalised. Decide if he is worth losing any associated benefits for. On the basis of the information you have supplied I would say he isn't

mammadiggingdeep · 15/03/2014 09:02

Just ask for your bloody key back!!! If he's not moved in and got his own house tell him to fuck off!!

He turns the thermostat up in your house, you're running his baths, using your toiletries, eating you out of house and home (more than his paid towards) and he doesn't actually live there?? Has his own house??

He is a piss taker. Just treat him with the same contempt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2014 09:04

"I've got no one fify. But it's ok, he's never raised a hand to me so ill just keep the key in the door".

Keeping the key in the door is not an option longer term though, he has to be gone as of now.

Yes he knows you have no-one either, that's another reason why you were targeted so. He played on any isolation and loneliness you have. All his actions have and remain deliberate ones. He also does not have to raise a hand to you to be abusive either; abuse is not just physical in nature. He has and continues to use you as a skivvy.

Dump any stuff of his on your doorstep with a note along the lines of what has been suggested by fify.

Original poster
FeckingFuming · 15/03/2014 09:09

I'm not committing any fraud, he pays for his house and I pay for mine. We buy food together. That isn't fraud. I pay my bills, he pays his. I wish I'd never posted now.

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 15/03/2014 09:09

Cocklodger! Thanks for the definitions. And yes, ff, the term would seem to fit. Sorry. Make moves towards change now.

But have you actually talked to him about your grievances? Maybe he would change if he knew what was pissing you off? And if he didn't, then out him. Big boot up his cocklodging arse!

Good luck.x