XH - how close is too close?

[homeanddry]

Would you mind if your XH moved house to live just a few doors down from you?

Mine has form for snooping on me (despite him being the one who had the extremely long affair!) and is still half-heartedly trying to win me back.

And now he's moving back to my town, and looking at houses within spitting distance of mine. He asked if I minded the proximity. I said I'd think about it, but actually I do mind. He claims to be a changed man... but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to spy, pop round unannounced or let himself in when I'm not there (he has a key, the house is half his).

Is that petty? I'd feel petty saying it, because he's doing it to see more of the DC and be able to help out more with them.

Well, in a perfect world it would be ideal. The Dc get to come and go and it's convenient for everyone. Only you know if in practice that's possible though.

Owning part of the house doesn't give him the right to enter the house unannounced though. A landlord (which I suppose he is, sort of) has to have good reason and give 24 hours notice (except for emergency repairs)

Does he want to rent or buy?

If you feel he is intrusive you could get a court order to prevent him accessing the house.

I'd get the locks changed. I don't think the distance needs to be an issue (and could be handy in relation to dcs) but it sounds like boundaries need to be clear for instance that you're never getting back together, he has to arrange things by appointment with you etc

It could either make life much better or infinitely worse.

We get on ok now. If I tell him not to come around unannounced etc he won't. I'm just very wary of him and his motives.

He'll be renting btw.

If he was likely to cause trouble you could have a word with the letting agency about his suitability as a tenant, but that could well backfire.

I'd probably make sure he wouldn't be able to enter the house uninvited and be prepared to go legal to keep him at a distance.

If I didn't trust him, yes I would mind; and I would say so, too.

So if you think you can put him off by telling him you'd rather he didn't, then do that.

I don't tend to trust people who say they've changed, and then do things which make me uneasy - yet claim to be doing it for some laudable reason, such as 'for the children'. Hmm, maybe..

If things are working well for you now,don't change them. Do take steps to protect your boundaries though.

if he has a key though he could enter your house regardless of where in town he lives.

My xh lives a ten minute walk or two minute bus ride from my house. This is convenient for my ds because houses are close enough together that if he needs something from one it's easy to flit between houses to get it, and as he gets older he can go independently between houses if he wants to.

But would I want him living in my street? no tbh I'm not sure I would. Because there are other factors to consider such as when you move on and get into a relationship with someone else (or he does) do you want to be going out under his nose with your new dp/children etc? or see him out with a new gf/children etc? Also depending on their ages a very close distance might be confusing to your children to be within sight of both houses and e.g. see mummy walking down the street when they're staying with daddy and vice versa....

Mine moved in 4 doors down. With the OW....

And then refused to acknowledge me and the children for six months... The OW would sit in front of my house in her car for ages when she came home from work then eventually crawl to their house.
Very strange- looking back I think they wanted me to give up the house.

Him living closer will make it less necessary for him to have a key, so I'll be asking for his back.

If there was still an OW/gf in his life I'd have said no bloody way! Which makes me think that if/when there is someone new on the scene it could get pretty awkward...

Yes, I would mind, but mine was controlling and abusive, and I am only just stopping looking over my shoulder. I had a few tortuous months when he told me he was buying here and I did not know where. Luckily, the other side of town, it turned out. Close enough for dc not to have to travel too long, but a part of town I am never in abd do not know.

Oh, and my locks are changed too! I asked for keys back, and did not get them, and he tried to come over when he thought we were out, so I don't trust him at all. We've been split a year, why he still needs keys I will never know.

No! Get him to go somewhere else. The same street? No no, half a mile away at the closest, much better all round.