I don't know what to do - DH, problems, second guessing myself.

[SecondGuessing]

DH and I got married a few years back. He's lovely, and kind, and funny, and we're on the same wavelength, but it feels like hard work so much of the time. The sex isn't great - he reckons this is because he had a pretty bizarre upbringing (which he did) with parents who were incredibly uptight and in a culture which is pretty negative about sex. He rarely initiates sex, and he's increasingly more selfish about foreplay, which is obviously fucking rude (excuse the pun), as well as making me feel very unattractive, which makes me feel less like sex. And I hate it, because increasingly I feel squeamish about sex, and struggle to find him attractive, which really gets to me.

I've discussed this and said how it makes me feel, and he's always saying he isn't happy either and feels he needs to put his upbringing behind him. A couple of weeks ago we had a talk, and I suggested he get some counselling. I don't know if I'm being unfair, but I've heard nothing about it. I suspect he will simply go silent until I ask again.

This is part of a pattern, that he tends to talk, and agree with me there's a problem (about trivial and not so trivial things), but then nothing changes.

I know some people would say that I married him and I shouldn't expect him to change. I don't expect him to become a different person, though. I just feel so tired of always knowing each argument will have to be played through over and over, with me bringing the subject up each time, because each time he will just go silent. He never raises the subject again, even if it's something small.

What is heartbreaking is that he knows I'm not happy, and he tries to make me happy by doing things like bringing me flowers, or cooking, or chatting to me about work. He's lovely in so many ways, and I can't imagine how I would be without him. I miss him whenever I'm away. But I really don't know what to do, because I can't help thinking I will look back in ten years time and wonder why I didn't leave.

Because we're on MN and it will get asked - we don't have children, we have tried, and I am broodier than he is.

I could have pretty much written your post (apart from the fact we're not married!). Having the same discussions again and again (although he doesn't talk much!), him agreeing there's a problem, not doing anything about it. Finally I cracked and we're now in counselling. Only 2 weeks so far - can't really tell how's it going to go yet! Arrange counselling yourself? Ultimatum for him to do it? Not sure what to suggest.....

Thanks for replying.

Do you mind me asking who you're getting counselling with? And, if it's not a stupid question, how does it work?

I've had counselling on my own in the past, and I found it really traumatic, if that's not too strong a word. It didn't help. But I suppose it wouldn't be fair to ask him to talk to someone and not be willing to myself.

I can set him an ultimatum. But then I will have to keep going back and going back and making him do it. And I wonder how long that can go on.

You need to set a deadline by which the problem is addressed and then walk away after that. If you don't you will berate your wasted life

That sounds like good advice.

What bothers me is ... I'm all tangled into the problem myself. Because to be honest, if he came bounding up to me tomorrow and said he'd been to a shrink and it was all fine, and he really fancied some great sex, I don't know how I would feel because by now, I feel tense and squeamish about it. I end up not wanting him to initiate anything because I don't want it to turn into disappointing sex than makes me feel rejected and hurt.

Does that make any sense at all?

It is horrible and it makes me feel like a prude, and really, my past life would tell you I am not!