Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Ex partner wants £25K, sort of

85 replies

littlegreenlight1 · 11/03/2014 19:30

Ok I dont have long before I need to go but I need to ask someone wtf I should do or say.

Basically, my ex (NOT my DC's father) came into some money a few years ago. 45k's worth and he insisted (he lived with us) that he wanted to pay that off my (our) house and make life so much easier as we would be mortgage free by the time we were 40 etc.
I was apprehensive at the time and asked him to sign a sort of pre nup - well we werent married but that kind of thing, my financial adviser strongly advised him to do so too as IF we were to split up he would have no claim on that at all.
Well.... the inevitable happened, he was a massive drinker and his problem escalated to a point I couldnt have him near me any more. He was destroying me and himself of course and I knew the only way to save him was to leave him - of course it was more complicated than that but together, we were a disaster (not always and not when we moved in together).
We split a year ago, he said he'd never take the money away from me as it was for the children he had been with for so many years (they are now 16, 14 and 8, he had been around for what would have been 6 years now). I KNEW one day, he would want that or at least some money and today was that day.
He wants £10K by september, then he wants me to take anotehr £15K (from my arse?!?!) and put £5k away each for the children to have when they are 25.
I have looked in to doing this months ago as I suspected this would happen and I can not afford to do so. Ive also recently taken on a lower paid job.
To give him what he wants, would almost double my mortgage payments, which is what I earn in a month.

I dont know what to do. Of course I want to give him his money, Im not a nasty person, but by god I remember at the time, sitting at this very bloody table calling him an idiot. He said it didnt matter, because if we ever split, he would still want me to have it. Argh, his voice in my head - I knew this day would come as soon as we split.

I dont even know what Im asking. Please dont think I am a money grabber, if I had it or could access it I would, but I looked in to taking just 15K last year and like I say, it doubled my mortgage payments as my mortgage is low now. If he had signed something at the time apparently they could have just set me back to how I was before he put the money in.

Its such a mess. Im mad with him for not listening to me, Im mad with him for lying to me, of course I knew hed want it back but he insisted etc...

My lift is here, I have to go - I guess its a "what would you do?" kind of q.............

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2014 14:01

I misread and thought he is after £10K plus that £15K he's proposing OP pays into an account for her DCs? I thought that suggestion was crafted so he didn't look like he was intent on retrieving his original gift all at once.

If you weren't inclined to adjust your mortgage and get him off your back in one go I wonder if you could negotiate to repay a bit each month rather than give him a lump sum in 6 months' time. But I quite see you'd rather get this sorted and cut contact again.

If we each had a crystal ball life would be so much easier, too late to regret what happened years' ago.

Amateurish · 12/03/2014 14:04

I disagree that it was intended to be a gift. OP said "he wanted to pay that off my (our) house and make life so much easier as we would be mortgage free by the time we were 40 etc".

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/03/2014 14:14

Did your ex contribute to household expenses whilst you were together; utilities, council tax food, household repairs etc?
If he did contribute to those things then I think that morally you should give him back the lump sum that he put into the house. I don't think that you should put any of the money into the children's accounts, if he wants to gift it to the children then HE should do that out of the money you give back to him. You need to make sure that the money you return to him is returned through a solicitor so that a legal trace of it is in place.
He gifted you the money on the basis that he expected you would be together forever and living in the house together and as that is no longer the case you need to give him back his money.

If he didn't contribute to any household expenses whilst living with you then a Reasonable sum needs to be deducted from his lump sum to cover his share of living costs for the period that you lived together.

adventuress · 12/03/2014 14:27

Well, if it wasn't a gift what was it? An investment in their shared future? If so he should have said so, at the latest when he left the relationship.

He should have laid some sort of foundation for wanting it back, even if vague. Not only did he not, he openly refuted the idea.

Don't give him the money. Invest the amount, over the course of time, in a trust for your children's future.

Amateurish · 12/03/2014 14:55

If you were advising the ex, what would you say? "I was unmarried and contributed £45k to DP's house. Stupidly I didn't sign any paperwork because I was romantic and thought we'd be together forever. Now we've split up, my ex won't give any of it back. I've even offered to let her keep half."

CinnabarRed · 12/03/2014 15:01

I'd say exactly the same as I would to the OP.

Seek legal advice.

But if she can't pay then she can't pay.

adventuress · 12/03/2014 15:06

Amateurish I don't think that post reflects this situation. Firstly, his partner suggested protecting the money legally and he refused. Secondly, he didn't ask for the money when he left the relationship.

I wouldn't be surprised if OP has now started a new relationship and he wants to dig up some old bones.

Amateurish · 13/03/2014 18:23

The fact that he didn't sign paperwork at the time won't change the fact that he will now have a financial claim on the house. OP might be better off doing a deal now, rather than pushing him to getting legal advice and him trying a force a sale of the property / get a charge placed on the property. It won't be enough to simply say, sorry I can't afford to give you it back.

Impatientismymiddlename · 13/03/2014 18:46

I agree with amateurish. I also think that not wanting to give back the money is a bit golddiggerish despite what was verbally agreed at the time of lust and all being well.
If the OP did not give the money back and there was no legal route for the man to get his money back then what is to stop women from starting relationships purely for financial gain and then dumping the man as soon as he has put money into a property which he believed was going to be his life long home?

Qix · 13/03/2014 19:11

Well, obviously if you are going to contribute to a house you need to get it drawn up legally.

CookieDoughKid · 13/03/2014 19:16

Your ex could have a beneficial claim especially if he can payment. Get legal advice asap!!

CookieDoughKid · 13/03/2014 19:16

I meant to say prove payment.

Bogeyface · 13/03/2014 20:00

If the OP did not give the money back and there was no legal route for the man to get his money back then what is to stop women from starting relationships purely for financial gain and then dumping the man as soon as he has put money into a property which he believed was going to be his life long home?

This happened to my friends brother. They were engaged but she convinced him to put their new house in her name as he was self employed. He put in £25k and a week after they papers were signed she dumped him. It went to court where she tried to claim that he had always said that he would gift her the money despite him showing emails that proved that they agreed to the loan being paid off by them both (he borrowed 15k of it), that he would be doing the work on the house before they moved in together etc and that her wedding dress was a "prom" dress and she bought it because she had always wanted one .

Basically, because it was all in her name, apart from the loan that was in his, she kept the cash and house and he got left with a debt. He has since had a breakdown. We later found out that her mother did exactly the same a couple of years before. It was disgraceful, but legal as no fraud could be proved.

Dahlen · 13/03/2014 21:44

Legally he's been very foolish and I suspect you could get away with giving him precisely nothing or however much you felt inclined to give on whatever terms you wanted.

Morally, I think you should give it back. You knew this day was coming and could have prepared for it but chose to brush it to one side (understandably).

Would you be able to sit down and work out an affordable instalment plan with him?

arsenaltilidie · 13/03/2014 22:07

OP you sound like a gold-digger.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 13/03/2014 22:23

From the OP:

"I was apprehensive at the time and asked him to sign a sort of pre nup"

"my financial adviser strongly advised him to do so too as IF we were to split up he would have no claim on that at all."

"by god I remember at the time, sitting at this very bloody table calling him an idiot."

"if I had it or could access it I would"

Yup, that's exactly what a gold-digger would say. FFS.

Qix · 13/03/2014 22:31

arsenal you sound like an arse

Impatientismymiddlename · 14/03/2014 07:23

I think the gold digger slant comes from the fact that when the OP and her ex were in lust and happy he agree to out money into a house and she wanted him to protect that money, but he didn't see the need because they were going to be happy together forever.
Now they have separated and hate each other's guts the OP is quite glad that they didn't have a legal agreement over the money because she doesn't want to find the means to give it back and he regrets not signing a legal agreement because he wants it back.
Things change when people fall out.
The OP will be no more in debt if she gives the money back than she was before her ex gave her the money. She just doesn't want her mortgage to go bad to its old number of years. She has got comfortable with her new shorter term mortgage.
Morally, she should give him the money back and she should do that through a legal channel so that there is a proper trace and therefore the ex cannot turn up and say that he hasn't had the money. She should not take any of it for the children; if he wants to give the children some as a Gift then he should do that himself.

GarthsUncle · 14/03/2014 07:27

Arsenal, you again?

The OP has made it very clear throughout that she wants to pay the ex back but isn't sure how she can afford it.

Mortgage providers have got much tighter over the years and of course shortening the term of a mortgage is in their favour whilst lengthening it again may raise questions about the lendee's ability to pay, hence why OP is talking about it as a remortgage process because they are reassessing here. Her salary has also gone down from the point of the term being shortened.

It probably would have been possible at the time to add a second charge over the property for the £45k but it's difficult to retrospectively add such things and I believe the mortgage provider has to agree anyway.

If the ex is added to the deeds to the tune of 20% ownership or whatever, he would have some liability for the mortgage so he won't want to do that, I assume.

OP, when you were given the £45k, did you immediately pay it in as a lump sum off your mortgage?

GarthsUncle · 14/03/2014 07:30

Cross posted with impatient. I think the OP is glad she doesn't have to find this money tomorrow or be homeless, but she wants to pay it back if at all possible without jeopardising her family life; however, the original advice from her mortgage provider was that she couldn't simply go back to the longer mortgage term and maintain the current payments.

GarthsUncle · 14/03/2014 07:31

Incidentally, where are you getting "hate each other's guts" from - he has dinner with her kids once a week!

aylesburyduck · 14/03/2014 07:35

arsenal

odfod - unless you have something constructive to contribute!

Original poster

littlegreenlight1 · 14/03/2014 08:07

we dont hate each other. Not the best of friends understandably and Im glad we are not together, but we dont hate each other!!!
And Im not a gold digger, neither were we in lust at the time, though our relationship was tempestuous, I was stupid and thought we would get through it.
I was an idiot.
There is a lot of advice here and I will get it sorted, legally AND morally thanks.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 14/03/2014 08:07

However poor the new terms of the re-mortgage are, you're not going to be worse off than having had an interest-free loan of £45k for this time. Give him his money back. I think you were slightly foolish to accept it in the first place, although financially it's obviously been beneficial.

Lovingfreedom · 14/03/2014 08:08

If he didn't pay rent then quite reasonable to deduct a sum to cover that.

Flip

1 2 3 4