He will not acknowledge our relationship. I feel pretty crazy.

[FlippingFlippetyFlip]

I want to know if I am going crazy. TIA Oh, and I've namechanged because my usual persona on here is quite breezy/funny (I like to think)/enjoys Style and Beauty. I didn't want to lose that.

Anyway, here goes nothing - My boyfriend will not make our relationship public, or admit that we are in a relationship at all. He apparently holds the view that there 'is no relationship before engagement.' I must add here that he is Christian, and very inolved in his church. He worries about his reputation in the church.

You'll notice I have referred to him as my boyfriend. THAT IS BECAUSE HE FLIPPING WELL IS. He has been with me through getting sober (I'm a recovering alcoholic), we tell each other 'I love you' and mean it. We are in a long distance relationship, we discuss our future together, we have met each others families. (For sad, convoluted reasons involving churches, my family and he do not see eye to eye. But that's another happy issue!) When we spend time with each other, it is wonderful.

But. A couple of days ago things came to a head because I had discussed him with a mutual friend, who was his friend first, word somehow got back to him, and he was angry. He thinks somehow that this will affect his reputation . He goes on about not wanting people to know his private business. And he comes out with this supposedly biblically supported thing of 'no relationship before engagement.' I feel so hurt, dismissed and angry by this. When I try to discuss it with him, I just end up massively upset and/or yelling. I want a bit of normality, not for him to shout it from the rooftops or anything.

So resentful. Any perpective would be good, though I know the whole thing sounds really confusing and weird. Sorry it's long, just felt like a stream of consciousness.

I don't think this will end well for you. He's a hypocrite and a liar and his actions show that he is ashamed of your relationship. He has way too many hang-ups.

Do yourself a massive favour and run for the hills.

I get that he wants to keep sexual stuff out of it. I grew up with a lot of couples who waited, but I really don't get the no relationship stuff. I haven't heard of any Free Prebyterians who would refuse girlfriend/boyfriend acknowledgments.

The person to ask about this is the minister or another leader at his church. Do you have someone there you feel you know a little better? Contact them and explain the matter to them and ask for their guidance. Don't be shy about asking them, they'll be used to talking to people about spiritual matters.

He sounds dreadful.

Isn't this what er Peter did to Jesus? (Atheist here, so not entirely sure)

supposedly biblically supported thing of 'no relationship before engagement.

I have never heard of this!! And how are you supposed to find someone to get engaged to if you can't get to know them before you get engaged? It's a chicken and egg thing

Regardless, he is treating you very badly. If there are also issues between him and your family, and issues with sex, then what positive things are you getting out of this relationship??

Thank you, especially to LittleMissDisorganized - always good to hear froma fellow recivering alcoholic I will PM you later, if I may.

The problem with my family is one thing that is not his fault. I've been raised in a Christian group that does not look kindly on you going to another church, or being involved with someone in another church. That's why they don't like him, because they see him as 'leading me astray'.

*recovering. Ugggh, typos

He's effectively lying in church (a lie by omission) about who he is and what he is doing. That is never going to be the right thing to do.

He is more concerned with maintaining his halo than with being truthful.

This is always a problem where you have very strict teachings, whatever the religion. But he has chosen to be in that particular church, he could walk away and change to a more relaxed form of worship if he doesn't agree with the rules, but he wants to stay, he wants the church's approval, but he also wants to be dishonest. He can't have it all.

True. Another thing that has to be said, is that I put him through a lot of grief when I was drinking. Maybe I stll feel guilty for that, and nurse low self esteem. However, I have been sober for over 1 and a half years now...he does have some trust back.

So what's your gut feeling Flipping? You obviously can't accept his reasons because you are posting here so ask the questions we should all ask in relationships: does being in this relationship make me feel good about myself? Is my life better for it? Do I feel valued and respected?

You might never get to the bottom of why he is behaving like this, maybe it's an excuse for other issues he has, who knows, maybe he doesn't. Stop wondering about what he's up to (emotionally) and decide if you want to be where you are with him. You can't change him.

Maddona/Whore complex? Could shag you when you were a no good drunk, struggling now you're clean?

It's just a thought I'm chucking out there, no offence intended.

Don't leave this because he's stressed and applying for jobs, life is plenty stressful and you have to be able to discuss things properly when they come up, if you have to wait for a better time, it's just a sign of his poor character IMO. Personally I'd give him an ultimatum, open with all or split, no more bs. You need to send a signal that you are equal in the relationship, he has all the power, not good at all. Good luck op!

I'm a Christian and I've dated quite a few guys in the church. Some thoughts:

1. If this is an evangelical Christian we're talking about, there will be serious problems if you're not a 'born again' Christian. There won't be an engagement unless you are. And yes, it would do his reputation within the church a great deal of harm if he's being 'unequally yoked' as they call it. I wonder if your BF could be hanging on, keeping this 'friendship' unofficial, in the hope that you will 'sign on the dotted line' to join his brand of faith?

1. Don't be too hard on him for not taking naturally to the 'dating' idea. Obviously you are exclusive and in a relationship - but he may genuinely find it difficult to know how that fits into the 'engagement+marriage' scenario. My own brother had a really good 'friend' for a few years who he proposed to suddenly. They both kinda knew what was happening, but they no one else did and the standard reaction was shock.

1. Your BF is putting a lot of emphasis on what others think and is clearly fairly happy to deceive people about who he is (by hiding what he is doing, for whatever reason). Not wanting people to know his business is a euphemism, isn't it? He doesn't want anyone to think badly of him and he'd rather they were deluded than risk that happening. I wouldn't find this attractive in anyone, but particularly not in a man who is riding on a 'squeaky clean' ticket. I don't like it. He's not being considerate of you and seems primarily concerned about his image - i.e., his ego. Where is his God in that? His concern about his reputation should extend no further than taking care to do the right thing - not being seen to do the right thing. That's not Christian.

1. He should also be familiar with the concept of not leading a woman into emotional vulnerability without clear boundaries and commitment. If he has encouraged you in all this, he's at fault because he seems to have been using you to a greater or lesser extent. If he is 'ashamed' of you in any way, you need the chance to make your peace with that. Keep your eyes wide open.

Obviously it's up to you, but I would be thinking this probably isn't a goer. (But then I always folded early!).

Honestly, OP the fact that his family know about you but the church doesn't suggests to me that he either has another woman on the go or has his eye on someone and doesn't want them to know about you.

I think the Christian part of this is a red herring.

I've just read more of the thread (sorry!!) and have a couple more thoughts:

1. I think your BF may have got alongside you at a time when you were living a life that he couldn't condone. Entering into a sexual relationship with anyone outside marriage is very wrong from a Christian perspective. That he slept with you while you were vulnerable would be seen as doubly so. The fact that this has continued in a watered down form is a clear sign that your BF is 'back sliding' in his faith. That would be a reason to remove him from leadership positions and possibly go through some church discipline. Certainly, he would need mentoring. The church does (rightly in my opinion) come down like a ton of bricks on hypocrites.

You may have thought you were in a serious relationship with this guy but I would question that, respectfully. A relationship exists between two people but it also takes place in a wider community context. Unless your BF is willing to exist with you in a bubble - and he obviously isn't - there's a sense in which you're not in a relationship. In my opinion, he's using you, and the more I hear about him, the less I like him. This was always going to come to a head and it's totally understandable that talking to someone in the 'outside world' (mutual friend) has done it.

And OP, much as I'm sympathetic to what you're going through, what the heck are you playing at, living like this?

The fact he says there's no relationship before engagement tells you how much he respects you. He's happy to be sexual with you but deny the relationship.

None of the Christians I know have had this 'reputation' thing to worry about but do seen to get engaged quite quickly.

He sounds a dick!

Dunno

I'm seeing him tomorrow. So who knows how that will go.

One more point. A relationship between Christians that is based on love and commitment will be honouring to God (i.e., be loving, honest and respectful). There won't be hidden corners to it. If the way you're going about this relationship is nurturing dishonesty or guilt, it will come back to bite you within the relationship, whatever happens to it. Your BF needs to get out of the church, or shape up within the relationship and get things on track for marriage. If he can't, then he needs to let you go. It sounds closer to the world of politics than to Jesus at the moment.

Very wise, yet uncomfortable words, wouldbemedic. Thank you.

would be medic is giving good advice, agree with all her points. You need to move this on, I think you know it as you've posted here about his obviously suspect excuses.

Bloody hell he sounds like horrendously hard work - and everything is totally on his terms.

Get rid and go and meet someone to have fun with.

OP, you are a recovering alcoholic. That is a big thing.

The very last thing you need is a judgemental, intolerant, 'conflicted' partner who always puts himself (and his religion, zzzz) first, and makes you feel like a guilty secret.

Trust me on this. Put your sobriety first. It is your biggest, most important achievement and you should not put yourself in difficult emotional situations (with hypocritical men-children, for example) that jeopardise it.

Good luck. You sound fabulous. You can do better.

Oh, and have some . Huge respect.

You seem to be the one going through all this angst and analysing. You don't say how long you've been together, unless I missed it, then sorry, but church or not, its supposed to be cheerful and happy, not like this.

He sounds happy enough to talk about the future but if he won't follow up with action and telling others about his happy plans then I would be very suspicious indeed I was being played for a fool.

Could you discuss it with your church? Also, him getting angry you discussed your relationship with a friend is not on. LDR are difficult enough without all these added complications. Its a lonely old life for you it sounds, at the minute.

Plus you were having sex which is perfectly normal, and it was a prgcy scare that stopped it, you say? So now you are celibate too. You are giving up a great deal for this man, who doesn't appear to treat you very well.

You can love someone but realise they aren't right for you. He doesn't sound right for you, I'm sorry.