He will not acknowledge our relationship. I feel pretty crazy.

[FlippingFlippetyFlip]

I want to know if I am going crazy. TIA Oh, and I've namechanged because my usual persona on here is quite breezy/funny (I like to think)/enjoys Style and Beauty. I didn't want to lose that.

Anyway, here goes nothing - My boyfriend will not make our relationship public, or admit that we are in a relationship at all. He apparently holds the view that there 'is no relationship before engagement.' I must add here that he is Christian, and very inolved in his church. He worries about his reputation in the church.

You'll notice I have referred to him as my boyfriend. THAT IS BECAUSE HE FLIPPING WELL IS. He has been with me through getting sober (I'm a recovering alcoholic), we tell each other 'I love you' and mean it. We are in a long distance relationship, we discuss our future together, we have met each others families. (For sad, convoluted reasons involving churches, my family and he do not see eye to eye. But that's another happy issue!) When we spend time with each other, it is wonderful.

But. A couple of days ago things came to a head because I had discussed him with a mutual friend, who was his friend first, word somehow got back to him, and he was angry. He thinks somehow that this will affect his reputation . He goes on about not wanting people to know his private business. And he comes out with this supposedly biblically supported thing of 'no relationship before engagement.' I feel so hurt, dismissed and angry by this. When I try to discuss it with him, I just end up massively upset and/or yelling. I want a bit of normality, not for him to shout it from the rooftops or anything.

So resentful. Any perpective would be good, though I know the whole thing sounds really confusing and weird. Sorry it's long, just felt like a stream of consciousness.

Either he's stringing you along because he wants to keep his options open ... something not entirely unknown with some immature and selfish men regardless of their faith (or not).

Or, he is very confused about his church's teachings and is interpreting their ethos completely wrong. However, as others have said, if he genuinely believes that acting a certain way is "wrong" then he shouldn't bloody well be doing it should he ! .... because that'd be having his cake and eating it so to speak.

And you certainly shouldn't be paying the price of his "guilt" and/or "confusion" as if you're some sort of dirty secret to be ashamed of. Though I doubt it's that anyway.

It'd be interesting to get the "official" view on this - not from him, but from the church's vicar or whoever. I'm not suggesting you "blow his cover" necessarily if that'd cause ructions though goodness knows it's not something you should feel unable to speak about - but maybe if you were able to have an informal chat about the church's attitude to pre-marriage (or engagement) relationships it might be an eye opener .... and would make it clear once and for all whether he's got hold of the wrong end of the stick, or whether he just likes the idea of this "single man" persona in public .... which is pretty damn insulting, it's as if he wants to advertise that he's "available" .... and I'd be very surprised if any church would condemn a non-sexual dating type relationship these days. Otherwise, how are people supposed to get engaged ? .... assuming the church doesn't decide for you ?

I grew up in a Presbyterian church. His refusal to call you his girlfriend are nothing to do with Presbyterian teaching. I'm afraid that this is something he has thought up on his own. Sorry OP, but this man is reluctant to admit you are his girlfriend for some other reason. Maybe there is someone at the church who he is interested in and he wants to be available for her?

catsmother. That is incredibly helpful, thank you so much. Getting a bit emotional here, which isn't good as I'm at work. Eek.

Call me an old cynic if you like, I really don't mind, but the fact that you used To have sex and are now "doing other things" is bullshit on his his part.

If either one of you believes in no sex without marriage To the extent of refusing To have sex that is a perfectly valid principle. You don't then Get To enjoy all other aspects of sex and have the world - as in your church/friends/parents- believe you are not having a sexual relationship.

Either he is conflicted in some way regarding his beliefs or he's stringing you along.

Either way I would end this relationship if it were me.

OK, I'm glad to hear it as it sounds as though the most important people do know about you. That only makes the reticence odder, doesn't it?

I suppose all you can do is try and pin him down on what harm he thinks will result from others knowing. Referring to his relationship with you as something that could 'affect his reputation' (adversely, presumably) is not nice at all.

Do you think there might be a particular person or group at his church with strong views whom he doesn't want to think less of him?

If everything else about the relationship is good I'd probably be patient on this one issue, but not to the point of lying. I would be honest if asked or I felt it necessary.

If he gets angry and defensive like this I would guess he's seeing someone else at church

Oh come on OP. He sounds utterly pathetic. Early 20s? You can do so much better.

What reputación does he have that would be effected?

What I mean is does everyone believe that he's is going To be leading the church in a few years, or does he simply have an over inflated view of his importance?

he's got quite some issues going on there

get rid of him.

I too grew up in a Presbyterian church. I'd ask (I'm sorry if you don't want to answer) just how Presbyterian - in Scotland there are certainly several different "flavours" of Presbyterian - I've a friend who grew up in the Free presbys and didn't own a pair of trousers until she was 23! And was not allowed by her parents (despite being a fully qualified professional) to spend time alone with her fiancé - she lived at home until she got married. It's not, as far as I know, so much a religious or theological thing, very much a cultural one.

I don't want to be too detailed about the church - suffice to say, it's pretty strict. But then, so is my own. I'm used to it.

Run for the hills!

I do not want to get rid of him. I want to resolve this issue, but maybe that's just wishful thinking... I love him. I love him, but this hurts me a lot. Sheesh!

(Cringing at the way I sound on this thread.)

He sounds odd, I would be starting to distance myself TBH.

But I am biased as my former devout-catholic-no-sex-before-marriage boyfriend shagged my flatmate while I was in the next room.

I'm a church gal, I'm also a Sunday school leader. I'm Salvation Army.

I would never allow my boyfriend, friend etc to disrespect me like this.

There are rules on treating each other with dignity. Straight from the big guy himself.

My thought is the same as the other girls. There is either someone there behind the scenes that you don't know about or he isn't in to you as he verbally says he is. I am sorry that my words sound harsh. I genuinely am bit there is no reason for him to squirrel you away xx.

Do you think it is possible that the very fact you have had sex and still have some sexual activity now is behind this? In his mind, does this make it a shameful relationship?

Do just be very careful that things aren't all on his terms. I'm sorry to say it, but he would not be the first man to leave a woman he'd had a sexual relationship with in order to have a chaste relationship and then marriage with someone else. All the fault and sin being the first woman's, of course.

you can't resolve it. only he can.

I think the religious thing is a red herring. he's got some issues and he's.made them your issues.

you're in your 20s. don't waste time with this man child. he won't be your life partner, trust me on this

You could propose to him.

See how he reacts.

If you need to be engaged to be in a relationship in his eyes then why are you not engaged?

Another church goer here op. (Probably on the more stricter end too). Your relationship would be viewed as positive and a step towards a happy union. You wouldn't accept someone behaving this way with the religious element removed. so I certainly wouldn't let him do so in the name of the church. He's not being very true to his faith (not talking about the sex, but his treatment of you) and the leaders wouldn't condone treating someone this way. You deserve an honest and caring relationship, not what he's trying to put you into. I'd be interested to know why your family don't like him. Perhaps they are aware he's not all he seems to be and they worry for you (however it may come out). I appreciate this is easy for us to say looking in, but you wouldn't dream of treating him this way, so why should you have to accept it?

Hi Flipping, I'm a Christian and a recovering alcoholic but 10 years older than you. I struggled when I met my now DH and the church's teachings (which I believe) around sexual sin are things that have confused me and conflicted me in the past. I've been married for 4 months now, and things are good, at church and at home. Great, actually.

I'm telling you that so you know where I'm coming from. I think your boyfriend, which is indeed what he is, is confused, whether deliberately or unknowingly. What the church condemns is relationships which are going nowhere. The point of a relationship is to lead to marriage. Now at the beginning, you understandably don't know, but after a while, it becomes make your mind up time, and what he (one) shouldn't do is string you along. So I guess what is not condoned is dating for dating's sake, and the secular concept of "Mr Right Now".

If he is serious about you, at the moment (it doesn't mean no one ever gets it wrong mind!) then it's fine to be dating you and I dare say the elders of your/ his church would agree. It's worrying that he doesn't 'get' this... or maybe he does, in which case he is treating you very badly indeed.

I left the church for a number of years after I graduated after some badly thought out 'discipline' from the church I was at in response to my genuine confusion. I found my way back after a very painful number of years involving a deep slide into alcoholism. I really hope you find someone you respect who is not a judgemental person at church you can talk to, and be as honest with as you've been here. Please feel free to PM me if I can help. My current church (which is evangelical C of E) is a place where I can share fears and insecurities and who supported my DH and I getting our relationship onto solid ground. If your church isn't like that... you might be going to the wrong church. Sorry for the essay, really feel for you.

See, that's the key. I understand if he feels that he cannot have a relationship unless there is proper commitment and he is engaged.

But, if this actual relationship means anything to him, then he should propose.

If not, he is effectively saying that he doesn't want the relationship. But, of course, he wants the sex stuff.

I know it's really hard for you, but some men in their 20's get very screwed up over stuff like this. You can't fix this for him, you just have to stay very strong and not let him muck you about.

I think think I might try the proposal! However, I think he has an idea of 'keeping away' from any kind of sexual behaviour with me before embarking on engagement. Also, he's in the final year of his course and applying for jobs, so is quite stressed/preoccupied. It does feel like his terms though.

The cynic in me wonders if he is involved with someone at his church or is hoping to be.

Regardless, he is treating you badly & I wouldn't stand for it.

Thank you for the most recent posts! I'll read them when I finally get off the train, much appreciated.