All the things I want to do but won't

[Lovestoquilt]

Very angry with DH for paying for lap dances (yes, that again) on a stag do this weekend while I was at home being literally shat and puked on by our very sickly toddler.

Background: he doesn't go regularly (3 times in 10 years that I know of) and it's always with a particular group of friends. He said it was unlikely that they'd end up in a club this time and I was too busy to think much about it beforehand. But they did. And then the idiot told me he'd b

Aarrrgggh! Bought three dances. I am unexpectedly furious and very hurt. Where's my extra-marital titilation? Nowhere! I'm at home in my dressing gown cleaning up sick.

He's heard me out, apologised profusely and told me he didn't mean to hurt me like he has. Still furious. He's offered me presents (the rule is he invests in our sex life £ for £ what he spends). Still furious. Slept on the sofa... Still furious.

My point: here are all the things I want to do right now, written here so I don't do them.

-contact the ex that "got away"
-reactivate my profile on Match.com
-take my passport and fly off somewhere, send him a postcard
-post about his exploits on his Facebook wall
-tell him he can't go to next weekend's stag do (yes, back to back)

Nope. I'm going to foregive him. At some point. I hope!

You don't HAVE to forgive him if patronising strip clubs is a dealbreaker for you.

Also,where's the reciprocity? He gets back to back stag weekends (not to mention an extra-marital eyeful); I hope you're getting your "me" time too!

Why do you have to forgive him?

I'd be fuming. He is taking the piss!

I hate hate hate strip joints and what they do for women. When dp said his nephew was being taken for his 18th by his dad and grandfather, I said 'sure go' then pointed out how he would feel if it was dd, that was gettng leered and mauled and asked for 'extras' .

Ugh I don't know how you could bear his hands on you after this.
Three dances - greedy boy !
Wonder how much that cost.......

Why would you want to forgive him. He didn't "accidentally" buy three lap dances did he?

I personally would not want the £ for £ deal as it's basically saying he can have what he wants - at a price. For me, there isn't the money to buy back the trust he has broken, the disgust I would feel and the anger which was consuming me.

I wonder what he would say if you showed him your "wish list?"

There's loads of lapdancing threads on here lately.

Somehow, something that used to be for seedy perves in Soho, has become seen by some as a normal, laddy thing to do.

I don't think it is. I'd go nuts if OH had one. I understand why you are so furious, especially with you taking care of a sick little one - that's really rubbing it in.

But life goes on, and I take it you aren't thinking of LTB.

I'm not a huge believer in forgiveness in most circumstances. That doesn't mean you hold a grudge, it doesn't mean you change your feelings towards that person, but to me forgiveness only counts and is necessary in a couple of circumstances
a) someone made a genuine error (dropped a plate and broke it) and is genuinely sorry
b) someone made an error of judgement in a minor matter and is genuinely remorseful, has learnt that it was an error, and would make that decision differently in future.

Any other circumstances and I'm not interested in their 'sorry'.

B could apply here if believe your OH understands why he was wrong to do what he did (not just being sorry that you are cross) and isn't going to do it again.

It might take a few days to get to that point though.

He's offered me presents (the rule is he invests in our sex life £ for £ what he spends)

That is one of the saddest things I have ever read.

he isn't "sorry" at all, because he keeps doing it. And you know he will do it again, because he wants to and there are no consequences for him.

3 dances. Is your family rolling in money then so he feels entitled to spunk it on selfishly getting his dick hard with other women? His sexual experiences outside of your marriage are more important than you andhis kids put together ?

This man is not a good husband and he is not a good father and you know it

I am very sorry.

You should scrap the £ for £ deal.

It tells him that your tacit approval is for sale. It tells him that if he wants to pay for a 4th lap dance he gets rewarded by buying a bigger dildo to use on you / a new latex suit so he can feast his eyes on you / some expensive lingerie that he gets to take off you.

I'm not sure where you benefit at all in the £ for £ deal. It sounds very emotionally corrosive.

If you want a £ for £ deal that discourages him then get a lawyer to draw up an agreement that says for every lapdance he enjoys he has to pay you an extra £10k when you divorce, over and above any equitable settlement. He'll find that corrosive, I'm sure.

'He invests in our sex life pound for pound what he spends'

What does that mean?

Cross posted...that's how I read it too but surely not

Christ almighty.

I just don't know what to say to this one.

Except that I have no idea, no idea at all why you would expect to be able to pretend to be a happy fulfilled person for even one minute while your life is like this, spent with a person like this.

Lovestoquilt,

What do you get from this relationship now?.

The £ for £ rule is particularly vile actually; presumably he proposed that particular "rule" to you?.

And you are still together because...

He is going on another stag do this weekend and you'll forgive him over this one and be ok with it?????????

The getting on a plane and sending him a postcard sounds waaaay better.

If he's truly sorry for upsetting you this weekend he shouldn't be wanting to go away again the following weekend. Not exactly even Stevens on the child care front is it??

So he buys other women, then buys you off afterwards so you won't complain? Does he have a very low opinion of women?

Do it!

Do It!

Think About it!

Do it!

Do it!

Whose idea was the reciprocity? It's really quite grim, almost allowing him carte blanche to carry on as he can see an easy way of repaying.

Abby.

Why do you have to forgive him?

I would make it quite clear to him that he is not forgiven.

Definitely don't let him waltz off to another stag do thinking, it's okay, I just have to buy wifey the same amount in sex gear.

And start making plans for going off on your own adventure. It's your life too.

Lovestoquilt option 3 sounds very achievable and why shouldn't you get 'treats'. After this round of stag weekends look at booking yourself a break.

he invests in our sex life £ for £ what he spends but it's not the money aspect is it.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff When dp said his nephew was being taken for his 18th.... how he would feel if it was dd, that was gettng leered and mauled and asked for 'extras' .

I thought that myself on another thread on a similar theme, where some posters seemed to assume anyone thinking like me was sadly out of touch and uncool, oh and jealous that younger shapelier women would be getting that kind of attention.

Um, sorry to be a bit thick but what does the £ for £ thing mean?

OP, if your dh had met a woman in the pub and had gone back to hers and received 3 lap dances (no touching, just watching) how would you feel? Just because money has exchanged hands that somehow makes it a legitimate thing to do and deserving of forgiveness? Personally it would be a deal breaker for me.

Be kind to yourself. Don't force yourself to forgive him if what you really need is to be angry.

donkey obviously the liberal and cool gang was out in force then. It's not a right of passage or a stag do thing. It's compounding that women are commodities to be bought and degraded.

Terrible.

Go for option C - flying off somewhere. Do it next weekend, so that instead of going to another stag do he watches the kids while you have fun, just like you did for him last weekend. Sounds like a much better kind of reciprocity than the "investing in your sex life pound for pound what he spends for his own sexual gratification elsewhere".

then when you return, dump him, for being a woman-hating arse who buys sex acts

Chaos - the "reciprocity" I spoke of was OP's H allowing her time to travel, see friends etc. instead of being stuck at home with sick DC while he is on back to back stag jollies.

I was NOT suggesting any sordid "buying off" type arrangements. Sorry if that was unclear.

Sorry, FAAS, my comment was to to OP, I hadn't clocked your post. I wondered who out of OP and her add had suggested the input in sex as a repayment fir his dances. Which is unpleasant in itself. But I also see the fact that the DH benefits from the investment in the sex life whereas the OP had no benefit whatsoever from the lap dances. Sound like cake/eat it scenario to me.

The £ for £ deal implies he thinks all women are for sale including you OP.