All the things I want to do but won't

[Lovestoquilt]

Very angry with DH for paying for lap dances (yes, that again) on a stag do this weekend while I was at home being literally shat and puked on by our very sickly toddler.

Background: he doesn't go regularly (3 times in 10 years that I know of) and it's always with a particular group of friends. He said it was unlikely that they'd end up in a club this time and I was too busy to think much about it beforehand. But they did. And then the idiot told me he'd b

[AnyFucker]

Hello there. I have been away a couple of days but still had your thread on watch

I am sorry you are feeling so bad

You understand the "Pick me" dance, unfortunately

feels like shit, don't it ?

why do you feel you need to do that, please do not demean yourself

you need better friends, btw

and you need to talk to your husband about how his actions have brought you to this point, so that you have no peace of mind left

[Lovestoquilt]

Oh, and I told 3 close friends, all of whom shrugged and said "no big deal".

Totally confused too. Believe me, if I could shrug it off, I would!

[Lovestoquilt]

Sorry to resurrect the thread but I hope some of you who advised me are around today. Just waiting for DH to come home from stag weekend #2. Miserable.

There were no strippers or club in evidence at this one. I sent him a couple of saucy texts and I thought it was because I was feeling better. Nope. Obviously I'm doing the 'pick me' dance - me versus... faceless lap dancers from last week. Feels like absolute shit. Just burst into tears in front of DS.

DH has been very kind and lovely this week - he's pretty lovely usually, but more so, gentle with me. I believe he is genuine and didn't mean to hurt me. But I feel so very, very low. He's due home soon and I was so looking forward to seeing him, but also want to punch his lights out. Still. :(

I don't know what I want you all to say. I just want someone to know, I guess.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

You were upset last time he went. This time he paid for three private dances. He compares it with you meeting up with an ex for a coffee?

He's not coming across very well at all.

I hope this time he gets it.

[honeybunny14]

I think you have handled it well op altough i would be telling him the next stag do is off and your going out to enjoy yourself instead.

[Contrarian78]

To be more succinct:

To meet with an exP and to go to strip clubs would constitute red flags for many. Unless and until you're told; you could/should continue to do either.

I'm not passing judgement by the way op (you sound pretty reasonable). I just think that your husband is not getting an entirely fair hearing.

[Lovestoquilt]

Yes, thanks. He's better and back in childcare today, which makes life easier.

There's nothing between me and the friend I have seen twice in the past two years who happens to be someone I went out with for a bit in 2000. So yes, it's above board. Just making that clear!

[Contrarian78]

Not directly no. But there is a question that many would have over the appropriatness (or otherwise) of either of those things. The point I was making was that if the op's husband hasn't suggested that he's uncomfortable with her regularly meeting an ex-partner (as she hasn't until now (as far as I'm aware) expressed any discomfort with him going to strip clubs) then she's free to continue.

Metaphorically, the exP might be doing those things - which some would argue is even worse. I am just speculating of course. I'm sure it's all totally above board.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Good call AF.

OP when you say your H is funadamentally a good bloke I believe you. But if this happened on a stag do and there's another on the very near horizon I can see why you'd have been rattled.

Btw hope your toddler is over that episode.

[Lovestoquilt]

AF - DH tried to draw the same comparison, funnily enough. And that's what I said. They are Very Different

I've called up a good friend of both of ours who is going along to THIS weekend's festivities and I am assurred that there will be no lapdancing this time around. It's a different crowd and I think I still feel OK with it provided I get some time out for myself when I want it.

[AnyFucker]

The meeting with an exP is not directly comparable. Unless the exP is stripping off and rubbing his groin into her lap after she gives him a tenner ?

[Contrarian78]

The husband isn't a mind reader. I know (from personal experience) that it's unlikely that he gave it a great deal of thought. He didn't know thatit was hurting his wife, so he went along with it (and didn't lie or try to cover it up). He's now been told and has said he won't go again.

The op meets regularly with an ex-partner. Her husband doesn't seem to mind (certainly hasn't suggested he does to her) so she's at liberty to continue until he says something to the contrary.

[Contrarian78]

"It's a sexual experience outside of our marriage" That I think is totally reasonable. It doens't make you insecure.

Don't worry about not being conventionally attractive. I can't think of anything worse than being conventionally attractive. It's those unconventional things that probably attract your husband to you. My wife's feet look like they've had bricks dropped on them from considerable height I love those feet!

[AnyFucker]

Your second point highlights the unfairness of it, doesn't it.

A sexual experience for you outside of your marriage would find you looking at a divorce petition. But when he does it, you are expected to get over it.

This stuff just feeds inequality and why some people cannot see that is quite beyond me.

[Lovestoquilt]

In terms of why I object, it's a bit of everything really. My opinions:

• It drives negative stereotypes of women
  
• It's a sexual experience outside of our marriage (I don't have those and if I did it would be grounds for divorce.
  
• and a little bit of "insecurity" or whatever we want to call it in that - hey, I'm not conventionally good looking and hubby is getting off on these (more conventionally?) attractive women.
  

I'm not saying my opinions are "right" just trying to articulate the muddle in my head. Not necessarily always in that order, either!

[AnyFucker]

Cross posted with OP, I was chatting with JFR there, not responding directly to your latest post.

[AnyFucker]

Same here, JFR

I am a very secure person. I have no "body issues". I know my worth both physically and intellectually, and behaviour like this from a life partner falls very far below it.

I sympathise with women who feel insecure, of course I do, but I object strongly to to the lazy notion put forward that anyone objecting to such demeaning and disrespectful treatment must be "insecure"

I find that the more secure you are, the more you are able to draw those defined boundaries and expect nothing less than they be taken account of.

[Lovestoquilt]

Thanks for further replies. In terms of foregiveness, I see that as more of for my benefit than his. I can foregive him this instance (on the grounds that I believe him when he says he had no intent to hurt me) and still object to any similar scenarios in future. His behaviour then will tell me all I need to know. And I do believe him, he's as honest as the day is long.

He has been before, yes, but that was a world away, pre marriage and DS and felt very different.

Good point contrarian. Reading back my post would sound odd but I really wouldn't actually do any of those things. It was the anger talking - just trying to express how I wanted him to understand my hurt. I think he does now.

If he ever expressed any doubt about me seeing ex bf once a year, I wouldn't see ex bf. Maybe I would be jealous of DH seeing his ex partners (I am more jealous but that's not difficult) but he doesn't have any of any significance.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I don't understand why the word insecurity always comes up on these threads.

I am very 'secure' in my looks and my relationship. I just don't want dh to have someone else's tits and fanny all over him. I especially don't want him paying family money for the pleasure.

I especially wouldn't want him to do it after I'd asked him not to.

[Inertia]

You don't have to forgive him.

He can't be that surprised you're upset, because this is the third time he's done it. He's probably only acting sorry because he wants to be able to go on the stag trip next weekend, so needs to butter you up.

The £ for £ thing is totally not a deterrent of any kind. He pays to paw at exploited women and then buys you off with stuff that benefits his own sex life with you- how is that going to put him off?

[Contrarian78]

Hold tight, The op's husband hasn't really done anything wrong. To the extent he has, he's "apologised" tried to make amends. From what the op says, he sounds pretty reasonable. There's not really ANY suggestion that the he's too secure in the relationship (at least that's not the sense I'm getting).

Just out of interest OP, would you be as relaxed as he is if he were meeting up with an ex-partner anually. I'm not saying you would be (and I don't particularly see any harm in it) ignoring your admission that you'd like to reactivate a dating profile and call up an ex-partner I'm just mindful that if you were saying that your boyfriend was meeting an ex-partner anually and had made those threats, there'd be nothing but the usual chrous of "red flags" Dealbreaker" and "LTB" plus a handful of others.

I'm not having a go at you. I think you seem to have handled this sensibly. I just wonder whether and sorry if this is covered you have a moral objection to these places, or if it's to do with you own insecurities. Perhaps it's both.

[AnyFucker]

I think one can too secure in a relationship in the sense that knowing that repeatedly upsetting your partner and smashing dealbreakers will not result in the end of it is actually not a healthy situation

I love my husband, but not unconditionally and vice versa. We both know the other would walk away if pushed hard enough.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

he's always felt secure in our relationship which is how it should be. It shouldn't mean he automatically thinks he'll get a free pass if he pushes whatever boundaries you feel appropriate. Voice what reservations you have, then he can't say he isn't able to make an informed choice in future.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Nope, I don't get the controlled environment thing at all.

Does he mean its ok if you are paying women to get you sexually aroused? You needn't feel bad because at least he pays to get his kicks unlike his mates?

[Lovestoquilt]

Thanks for further replies, all make a lot of sense.

The first two visits were not as big a deal as this. I wasn't ok with it but I wasn't devastated either. Both were six years ago and I'd forgotten about them, pretty much. So neither of us knew how I would react this time.

DH doesn't get jealous so he doesn't really understand the 'what if I did it to a bloke in a club' point. Not in a nasty way, he's just always felt secure in our relationship (to the extent that he has no view on my annual lunches with ex bf he never liked - nothing going on but some blokes might be jealous.

I see your point most contrarian and I do understand logically. Shame about the sick feeling in my stomach although that is fading as DH obviously tries to make amends - being thoughtful and gentle with me.

Will be OK. Should it come up again I will ask him not to go.