All the things I want to do but won't

[Lovestoquilt]

Very angry with DH for paying for lap dances (yes, that again) on a stag do this weekend while I was at home being literally shat and puked on by our very sickly toddler.

Background: he doesn't go regularly (3 times in 10 years that I know of) and it's always with a particular group of friends. He said it was unlikely that they'd end up in a club this time and I was too busy to think much about it beforehand. But they did. And then the idiot told me he'd b

Nothing will change the way things are.

Only you can change your reaction and how you deal with it.

So sorry that you are with someone who had a very low opinion of women and think they are properties to be bought.

Chaos - no worries and agreed re: cake/eating scenario. Really icks me out.

3 times in ten years isn't very often...

Not excusing it btw.

Don't approve/can't get passed it - kick him out.

Up to you. A lot of women wouldn't (really) be bothered x

He's definitely an idiot, what you do about it is up to you, I wouldn't be too quick to forgive, he's got a lot of grovelling to do hasn't he.

I don't see why he has that much grovelling to do - you day yourself that you were surprised how much it bothered you.

It sounds to me that you are less bothered but what he has done than by the fact that you don't have time to do something similarly enjoyable.

Are you breast feeding? If not then I think a bit of time away doing whatever you fancy would be the best solution.

I think it's good you're not trying to retaliate as chances are it would probably only make you feel even worse.

However, I don't see that you should forgive him, either. What you mean is not forgiveness. You mean "I'll calm down enough to stop going on about it and we'll sweep it under the carpet, pretend it's never happened and carry on as normal."

He of course, knows this is exactly what will happen. It's what happened the previous two times. All he has to do is buy you a couple of gifts and wait it out. He doesn't actually have to take account of your feelings, let alone stop doing something you have told him hurts you.

I think his behaviour is misogynistic because I have a problem with men who consider women's exploitation as entertainment. But even if this were gambling or any other perfectly legal activity that didn't involve the sex trade, I'd still say the above. If you love someone and you know that something that matters not very much to you hurts them badly and they ask you to stop, surely you stop?

It's interesting that you say you're "unexpectedly angry" I don't condone strip clubs particularly; but neither do I hold as strong a view as many on here. Your husband told you he'd been (and didn't try to hide it) and your reaction seems to have been (at least partially) driven by the fact that you were having a crap time.

You've made your feelings known, he's apologised. End of.

I suppose he apologized last time too.

...and the time before

the rule is he invests in our sex life £ for £ what he spends

So he buys you off so you'll STFU?! I've read some awful stuff on here but that remark would cause the rest mist to descend if my OH dared to say that.

That comment in isolation tells me a lot about his attitude towards women and if the lap dancing is thrown into the mix...well, he's a misogynist isn't he? You're the little woman who should 'pipe down'.

OP never did explain how the £s spent on lapdances for him translated into when the same amount spent on her sex life. Perhaps her partner buys her a lapdance with a naked bloke in return for every one he has ?

take when out of that first sentence

Perhaps her partner buys her a lapdance with a naked bloke in return for every one he has ? That would be a novelty.

Indeedy

Hello again and thanks so much for replies. I've been working as DS now on the mend.

The £ for £ point sounds MUCH worse written down. Basically after the first two times he ever went (a couple of weeks apart but some six years ago and pre-DS, I pointed out that he could spend that money on something we would BOTH enjoy. So he came home a few days later laiden with lingerie and other presents. It was OK but I was wrong to say it was a 'rule' that makes it sound like some regular thing and I absolutely don't want that this time around. Feels different post DS. Have told him not to try that again as it won't was.

Have to eat but I will reply to other comments later on, having had some time to think. Thanks again.

Three nights of heart to hearts. I'm tired and I wish it hadn't happened. 99% of the time he's great (supportive, took lots of time off with sick DH, kind to me) and it's not 'normal' behaviour for him by any stretch.

Also not typical circumstances as stag nights don't usually come along that often. He is genuinely shocked and remorseful that he hurt me so much. I believe him on that score. He said he wouldn't have gone if he knew and won't go again. There was never any deceit involved.

But. There's something he just doesn't get. He was trying to say that he would never letch over a waitress as some of the lads were doing, but he can condone this as it's in a controlled environment where women "choose" to work. Oh FFS. How can he not see how one drives the other.

So... I will forgive this. But I am working on his feminist education. And I will have my time away too.

Sad now though.

He said he wouldn't have gone if he knew and won't go again

But he's been before..?

I'm sorry you feel sad. I would too.

The controlled environment stuff makes no sense.
Would he be happy if you went to a club and rubbed around some fella - for what 15 minutes? Would it make him feel ok if the fella paid you for it?

Folkgirl Yes he's been before but I'm getting the sense that it wasn't a big deal. (I may be wrong). In that sense, he hasn't really done anything wrong. You have to assume that he didn't "know"

The controlled environment bit makes lots of sense (though possibly not articulated too well). Without debating the rights and wrongs of strip clubs, the whole point is to letch for want of a better phrase

Doing the same to a woman who is earning her living as a waitress, is not the same thing. One does drive the other to an extent, but I'd venture that reasonable blokes don't letch over waitresses any more than usual just becasue they've visited a strip club. Those that letch, will letch regardless.

Thanks for further replies, all make a lot of sense.

The first two visits were not as big a deal as this. I wasn't ok with it but I wasn't devastated either. Both were six years ago and I'd forgotten about them, pretty much. So neither of us knew how I would react this time.

DH doesn't get jealous so he doesn't really understand the 'what if I did it to a bloke in a club' point. Not in a nasty way, he's just always felt secure in our relationship (to the extent that he has no view on my annual lunches with ex bf he never liked - nothing going on but some blokes might be jealous.

I see your point most contrarian and I do understand logically. Shame about the sick feeling in my stomach although that is fading as DH obviously tries to make amends - being thoughtful and gentle with me.

Will be OK. Should it come up again I will ask him not to go.

Nope, I don't get the controlled environment thing at all.

Does he mean its ok if you are paying women to get you sexually aroused? You needn't feel bad because at least he pays to get his kicks unlike his mates?

he's always felt secure in our relationship which is how it should be. It shouldn't mean he automatically thinks he'll get a free pass if he pushes whatever boundaries you feel appropriate. Voice what reservations you have, then he can't say he isn't able to make an informed choice in future.

I think one can too secure in a relationship in the sense that knowing that repeatedly upsetting your partner and smashing dealbreakers will not result in the end of it is actually not a healthy situation

I love my husband, but not unconditionally and vice versa. We both know the other would walk away if pushed hard enough.

Hold tight, The op's husband hasn't really done anything wrong. To the extent he has, he's "apologised" tried to make amends. From what the op says, he sounds pretty reasonable. There's not really ANY suggestion that the he's too secure in the relationship (at least that's not the sense I'm getting).

Just out of interest OP, would you be as relaxed as he is if he were meeting up with an ex-partner anually. I'm not saying you would be (and I don't particularly see any harm in it) ignoring your admission that you'd like to reactivate a dating profile and call up an ex-partner I'm just mindful that if you were saying that your boyfriend was meeting an ex-partner anually and had made those threats, there'd be nothing but the usual chrous of "red flags" Dealbreaker" and "LTB" plus a handful of others.

I'm not having a go at you. I think you seem to have handled this sensibly. I just wonder whether and sorry if this is covered you have a moral objection to these places, or if it's to do with you own insecurities. Perhaps it's both.