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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband looking for sex online

79 replies

nancynancynoonoo · 10/03/2014 22:49

Nc for this.

Dh had viruses on his laptop which I was helping him fix. I have checked his internet browsing history before and know he occasionally goes on porn sites. I usually check it after his laptop gets infected with viruses. This time i see he has been googling "I want to have sex in (our local town)" and checking cheater/affair websites, looking at local profiles on casual sex sites, and googling for sex workers contact details. We have been married five years and have 2 dc. We rarely have sex and haven't had penetrative sex in months. I work full time in a job I love, and dh stays at home with dc who are small.

I havent confronted him and I dont want to. I love him.

OP posts:
LurcioLovesFrankie · 11/03/2014 14:16

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Grin

KinderBoris · 11/03/2014 14:24

OP has needs too. For a decent man. I think her sex drive would perk up no end if she met one.

SueEllenShotJR · 11/03/2014 15:37

Some of these divorce-baiters need to let go of their idealized one-size-fits-all Hollywood-romance ideas and just understand that there are different sorts of marriages which go through different stages over the decades. These people don't know for sure if he will lie, if he cheated, has had unprotected sex, but are writing as if they know him and know exactly what's best for OP and her kids.

I'm making the point that there's not much point in marrying a sexually active man then condeming him to a life of celibacy with no discussion.

No one is apologising for unfaithful spouses or rapists, even. Don't be so daft or hysterical [shame there's no eye rolling emoticon]

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 11/03/2014 15:48

sue the great thing about today's society, is that people can leave.

If he wants sex with 'other' people he should leave the relationship. OP has stated that she thinks HE didn't find her attractve anymore, which would indicate the issue is HIS.

There are many many reasons why sexual contact breaks down. How can you assume it's OPs fault that they havnt been having sex.

Men are not dogs, they won't just have sex with any hole. He activily looked outside his relationship for hook ups. This wasn't some romantic tryst.

He fucked up, not OP

Pepperami · 11/03/2014 15:55

I think the fact it wasn't a 'romantic tryst' makes it (marginally) better in my book. I think...

SueEllenShotJR · 11/03/2014 16:11

I'm not the one doing all the speculating here and I'm not as quick as you to apportion blame. I'm advocating talking, discusssion, communication, i.e. the stuff they got married for in the first place. OP needs to find out if her beliefs are true for starters

Diagonally · 11/03/2014 20:00

"There's not much point in marrying a sexually active man and then condemning him to a life of celibacy"

So if you weren't apportioning blame to the OP, Sue, why did you use the word 'condemning'?

I think the emoticon you were looking for is this one Hmm

ITCouldBeWorse · 11/03/2014 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarGazeyPond · 11/03/2014 22:53

My God there's some militants around tonight Shock

Comfysoft · 11/03/2014 23:05

Dear God!! Am totally shocked at the people on this thread who actually think "poor man has a stiffy and just can't cope so entitled to go elswhere"

Do people really think like that???

OP - I am so sorry you are going through this.

Give yourself time to mull things over and to choose how best you think to approach this in your relationship.

The fact he has been searching would be ringing loud alarm bells for me and I have to say - for me - direct confrontation is unlikely to resolve much. If he has been cheating - then few cheaters immeadiately hold their hands up to the crime. You may choose to sit and wait and watch and see if there is any evidence of him actually contacting people over looking at a website.

HighlanderMam · 12/03/2014 00:00

I think the emotion SueEllenShotJR was looking for is on Nethuns...

Lazyjaney · 12/03/2014 07:41

"There's not much point in marrying a sexually active man and then condemning him to a life of celibacy"

I get the impression that quite a few on here think that is exactly the aim of a relationship Grin.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 12/03/2014 07:45

Which ones lazy?

AnyFucker · 12/03/2014 07:50

You are a Silly Billy Lazy Janey

ormirian · 12/03/2014 07:59

No-one dies without sex but most relationships are closer, more relaxed and more loving with regular sex. There isn't enough going on in this relationship and its causing problems. This needs addressing. But finding conveniently located strangers to shag isn't the answer, in fact it's disloyal, selfish and hugely hurtful.

You have to talk to him. The internet sex thing is only part of the issue really isn't it?

ormirian · 12/03/2014 08:01

Btw what colour is the blood of a non-cheating temperate considerate man then? Since all these cheaters are red-blooded which apparently makes it ok?

ormirian · 12/03/2014 08:02

As for 'militants'!!?? Hardly.

Original poster
nancynancynoonoo · 12/03/2014 22:13

Wow. Thanks again to everyone who has replied. I have a lot of stuff to consider now, and reading the responses has been incredibly useful in gathering my thoughts. I am a bit overwhelmed by the amount of responses but I will do my best to answer as many questions as I can. Sorry I didnt get a chance to reply before but kids have d+v.

Someone said I don't seem surprised. I have strong suspicions that there were things going on in the background pre-marriage, but I naively thought after marriage that would be a red line. So I am surprised in a way, but not shocked to the very core, if that makes sense.

It was 3am and he was drunk, so it is possible that he was investigating/fantasising. I havent uncovered any further evidence.

He has withdrawn from me. We have gone through some huge changes in our life. He put his career to the side temporarily to support me in pursuing my dream job, which I am now doing. This is nothing to do with what he has done, but I am providing a bit of context. Before kids we were very passionate. We have had problems for many months. He doesnt respond physically, and doesnt initiate. So yes, he has very much withdrawn and I see that clearly now.

I wouldn't dream of being unfaithful. It is completely outside what I consider a marriage to be. I thought he felt the same, which is hard part of the realisation of what I have stumbled upon.

I won't be leaving or confronting. I have been being kind and loving to him, because I do feel sorry for him (that makes me sound pathetic) but I don't know how long I can manage for. At this point it isn't really in my interest to get divorced and be separated from my kids. I can't confront him. I feel very weak and lacking in confidence. I feel really sad in the car, I feel empty and dead inside. It is like I dont have a heart anymore. This is the great love of my life, and now I have to cope with knowing this. It is fucking awful.

OP posts:
Kandypane · 12/03/2014 22:57

Nancy I'm so sorry - what yours going though sounds awful.

You do know if you do nothing about this it is just going up fester and fester? Please be brave and talk to your OH

X

FabULouse · 13/03/2014 05:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

carmenelectra · 13/03/2014 08:24

nancy this an horrifc thing to discover. While I think uou have been slightly naive in thinking things would be ok once married when there were doubts before, you still don't deserve this.

I dont think its fair or right to expect someone to live in a sexless relationship but he sjoukd have talked to you before he got to this point. Told you he coukdnt live without intimacy and at least attempted to resolve this.

I mean, if he had at least tried to address the issue before looking to cheat, rather than (probably) say you drove him to it. When really he has found a perfect chance to do what he likes without any drama from you.

Have some self respect. You can still be good parents or even live together if you have to but for gods sake make it clear that you know what hes been planning and that you are no longer in a relationship with him.

Dont give him the satisfaction of being able to justify it to himself.

Lucylloyd13 · 13/03/2014 08:31

So sorry to read this.

Your marriage is heading for disaster, you can ether control its destiny, or let it happen.

You need to find our why he does not want sex with you, but does want it elsewhere.

carmenelectra · 13/03/2014 08:42

nancy this an horrifc thing to discover. While I think uou have been slightly naive in thinking things would be ok once married when there were doubts before, you still don't deserve this.

I dont think its fair or right to expect someone to live in a sexless relationship but he sjoukd have talked to you before he got to this point. Told you he coukdnt live without intimacy and at least attempted to resolve this.

I mean, if he had at least tried to address the issue before looking to cheat, rather than (probably) say you drove him to it. When really he has found a perfect chance to do what he likes without any drama from you.

Have some self respect. You can still be good parents or even live together if you have to but for gods sake make it clear that you know what hes been planning and that you are no longer in a relationship with him.

Dont give him the satisfaction of being able to justify it to himself.

carmenelectra · 13/03/2014 08:43

Sorry post x2

Quitelikely · 13/03/2014 09:03

If nothing changes. Nothing changes.