husband looking for sex online

[nancynancynoonoo]

Nc for this.

Dh had viruses on his laptop which I was helping him fix. I have checked his internet browsing history before and know he occasionally goes on porn sites. I usually check it after his laptop gets infected with viruses. This time i see he has been googling "I want to have sex in (our local town)" and checking cheater/affair websites, looking at local profiles on casual sex sites, and googling for sex workers contact details. We have been married five years and have 2 dc. We rarely have sex and haven't had penetrative sex in months. I work full time in a job I love, and dh stays at home with dc who are small.

I havent confronted him and I dont want to. I love him.

how can a marriage work if he has given himself permission to have sex with others behind her back??

I don't see how talking will solve this. He won't tell the truth, he will just blame you for not giving him what he wants and minimise his sordid behaviour. You deserve better OP.

Nancy, can the history show for sure that he has looked up those specific things? I've seen many internet porn sites where those sort of ads pop up constantly. Pop ups like 'get sex in your local area' and sex ads. They appear when you are just searching the site. Just saying I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions unless it is obvious he is searching for that. I understand you don't want to talk to him but now you've seen it you need to raise it with him. You'll feel better than you do now.

"how can a marriage work if he has given himself permission to have sex with others behind her back??"

Same way it works if someone has given themselves permission to not have sex in it.

Thank you all for replying. I went straight to bed after posting, bad manners. I know.

I don't know what I want. Last night was strange because there he was, sitting beside me on the sofa, and I felt very empty inside. Not angry. Sad for him and sad for me.

We are best friends (which is maybe part of the problem?) And I have no sex drive. Maybe we do need counselling but
There's no time to go. My mum babysits once a week so we can go out.

I don't want him to know I snooped on his history. He would never do anything similar and respects my privacy. I had an ea father and dh is the polar oposite, so much that we are a bit detached, and I am happy that way because I have a happy friendly relationship without any controlling at all.

I almost feel that I wouldn't mind him getting sex elsewhere. Feels so strange to confront that thought. But I couldn't bear it to tell him that as I would be humiliated.

I dont think he is sexually attracted to me. Can I let conclusions be drawn from that because I dont want to go into detail. I am overweight.

Going to work now so won't be posting until this evening.

Thanks for reading.

Quick reply to a post above - the history showed me his google searches so I know it wasnt just pop ups.

So Lazyjaney - you are saying he is justified in his behaviour?? I have no words.

^^
Get real.

I don't know what I want. Last night was strange because there he was, sitting beside me on the sofa, and I felt very empty inside. Not angry. Sad for him and sad for me

A family member of mine could have wrote that. Her dh was contacting women while he was in the same room and she seen the activity appear on her newsfeed. Then she delved in to his email and found a lot more.

op he has crossed that boundary. What he is doing/done is way beyond the norms for a loving relationship.

When she confronted him. He neither denied/admitted it. Just stone walled her for two weeks, he punished her for bringing it up.

She is now on anti depressants because she has massive denial about what's happening but her mind can't let it go.

She would rather be unhappy and live in this facade than be single with four kids. She is beyond unhappy, but just accepts this is her life. Miserable.

He is actively looking to screw some one else. The relationship is dead. Leave.

Op please ignore anyone who says his behaviour is ok - it is not. LazyJaney you may put up with an unfaithful man, most of us never would. I don't care what reasons there are behind it, nobody should be unfaithful in an honest, loving relationship.

Op get yourself tested (sorry), maybe half hour with a solicitor too. Even if he hasn't met anyone yet, the intention is there - that is just as bad isn't it?

You do deserve so much better. Many of us have made the same shocking discovery about our own committed 'honest' partner. It is a huge shock s look after yourself. But please do not try to justify or minimise what he has done.

Can you really carry on....best friends don't lie and put your health at risk. Don't just tick on in acceptable oblivion. I get the feeling you are not that suprised....have you suspected for some time?

We rarely have sex and haven't had penetrative sex in months...I have no sex drive...I dont think he is sexually attracted to me

Nancy, have the two of you discussed these issues at all?
He may or may not have had sex outside your marriage, but one thing's clear and that is that he's not happy with the situation as it is. Unless you honesty want to turn a blind eye you need to confront him, and the two of you need to talk about what you've found.

You need to talk to him about this honestly.
Chances are he hasn't done anything but is probably close.

Has he said anything to say he is not attracted to you or do you feel that way because of the weight?

Was there ever chemistry between you two?

I see members of the "cool wives/girlfriends" brigade are out in force, which isn't really helpful in the slightest for the OP.

"I have no sex drive...I dont think he is sexually attracted to me", Has it occurred to you that you may be getting cause and effect the wrong way round, and it is the fact that he has detached himself from you emotionally and that he is not treating you as if you were desirable that is killing your sex drive? In short, that it's not you that's the problem, it's him? Because personally I'd put money on the problem lying with him.

And you know the old phrase your granny had: "handsome is as handsome does"? Never mind what the reasons for his behaviour are, the actual behaviour is unforgivable. He is behaving like a complete arsehole. And if he behaves like an arsehole, farts like an arsehole, etc. (to paraphrase) then he is one.

Agree with Lurcio - ignore the affair apologists, what do you want and deserve OP, because he is treating you appallingly, and you are worth way more than that.

Just because you don't have a sex life together doesn't mean he can go off looking for sex elsewhere, it's a major insult to you as his partner, can't you see that?

For me, being in a relationship means, no matter what, no cheating, no disrespecting and no trawling for sex with someone off the internet.

If, you feel this is tolerable then go ahead but I don't see how this would bring you self respect and happiness.

Whatever you decide, you both need a long hard talk with each other and to agree what you both find acceptable.

OP, you need a settled head, and don't jump with some of the knee jerk advice given that projects a lot of the posters ideas onto your situation.... You are at the start of a journey on your relationship, and who knows where it will lead.

You need to have a difficult conversation with your DP about what you found, and how you feel.the answers you may get could be hurtful, confusing, helpful or a mixture. Just be aware that internet history is only proof of what was searched, but could be a key to finding out more (it would be wrong to think that from my internet history I have owned a race horse, visited many countries in the world, had sex with anybody local out otherwise, bought container loads of sex toys, clothes from China, bought a villa in Spain or have contacted blue waffle!!)..... I regularly use the internet to look up things, often just for curiosity.
However, the difficulty you have is that you recognise there are things you would have liked to improve on your marriage before this. furthermore, and even more difficult to reconcile is that the same response from your DH could now be the truth or a lie.

For me, the start is a conversation ... Because you are at the start of a journey on your relationship, and who knows where it will lead!

"We rarely have sex and haven't had penetrative sex in months"

This is the crux of the issue^^ your man has needs

chrissy ODFOD

Chrissy - two points. First, nowhere in the OP does it say that she is refusing sex which he asks for. In fact, further down the thread, she says that she thinks he no longer finds her attractive, which suggests to me that he is the one who has withdrawn from sexual contact. Second, men are not mindless animals who must have a shag or they spontaneously combust. It is not unusual for women with small children to be so bloody exhausted their sex drive dips for a year or two. It is temporary. Decent men put up with this, because they love their wives and see them as human beings.

Hi Nancy - really sorry you have had this shock.
I understand you don't want to confront him - but if you were looking through the history it may be you were expecting to find something. Now that you have found something big can you really ignore it?
I couldn't x

Chrissy So does OP. She 'needs' her man not to be a fucking arsehole!

And if he is unhappy about a lack of sex he should do the emotionally mature thing and you know, communicate with his wife regarding this, see if they can find a solution or compromise everyone is happy with. And if that is not possible then please do separate and then when he is single and free he can do what the hell he likes with whoever he wants in triplicate without being disloyal to his wife and family perhaps.