Aaarrgghh he's done it again..and who does he think he is?

[CurtWild]

I have another thread about my stbxh letting our DC down on saturday but not sure how to link it, sorry. He's done it again today, cue our 3 yr old DD upset again and him making the excuse of not liking my tone of voice on the phone! All I did was ask when he'll be picking up the three big bags of stuff I'be been keeping for him while he moved into his new flat..which happened ten days ago. Apparently my tone was confrontational (it wasn't, I asked a reasonable question in a normal tone) and he's punished our babies for it! And blamed me!
He then text to say I need to 'do better' next time or he won't see them. I changed plans so he could see them today, I've been polite and amicable and done all I can to facilitate him seeing them and he decides my tone is wrong and I need to do better?! Who the fuck does he think he is?!
Aarrgghh..any advice? I got out of the emotionally and verbally adusive relationship to give me and DC a better, happy life. I've got my confidence back in leaps and bounds and feel so much stronger but he keeps dragging me down.
Help!

Solid..I don't think the twins would notice if he never turned up again, he barely bothers with them when he's here. He's brilliant with DD1, when he actually turns up, and whereas I can't imagine preventing him from seeing them, I'm definitely done chasing him to facilitate it. I have decided though that if he threatens me with court again because he doesn't like the tone of my voice, then I'll tell him to go for it and see where it gets him.

Good for you curt. He will most probably take a while to adjust to tye new scenario but he will just have to get used to it. Brace yourself to be disappointed by him, it is at this stage as you have rightly guesssed all about him punishingand controlling you, or trying to. Eventually hemay take a tumble to himself and realise it is time to make his own rs with his kids if not then his loss and the dcs are better off without him.

Stay strong. Remember none of what he does is your fault or your responsibility. It gets easier.
Log everything he does, missed visits, gaps in contact etc. In case you need it later.

Thanks mink..I'm sure he'll hate not being able to control me and then it'll become clear whether he wants to have an actual relationship with our DC or just use them to get at me. I started noting things down when his emotional abuse ramped up to verbal, mildly physical and then destructive, so I'll carry on doing that with regard to how he fares with visitation. I realised earlier he's spent around four hours with our DC in almost four weeks. He seems to think turning up for an hour with a few sweets and cbeebies or doing a jigsaw constitutes parenting.

Update: Woke up to three texts, one asking if I miss him..the next one asking if I'm happier without him..the last one saying he didn't care and was only with me for our DC anyway. I'm happy to report my one and only response was 'what time are you coming over today?' To which I got a very straightforward reply.
He turned up on time and attempted to engage in conversation about his texts, to which I replied that how I feel or what I think is none of his business and he's here to visit our DC, that if he continues this kind of conversation I'll be insisting he takes DC on his own instead of letting him into our home. That was the end of that conversation and he spent a couple of really nice hours with out DC, I even made him a coffee..and presented him with his three black bags of stuff on the way out .
I feel like I reclaimed something today, maybe the last piece of me he still seemed to have a hold on, maybe just control of my own feelings and emotions, because I know I'll never move on properly until I do. Whatever it was, it felt good, and I could tell he felt the change in me. I just want to say a big thank you to everyone on my thread for their support and advice, you really have no idea how much it has helped me. and for all

Awesome. I'm glad you didn't actually say, but accurately conveyed the sentiment "don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out".

Longer term you need to work on his access not taking place in your house. But this is a great start.

I had read this thread, but not posted - saw you on the EA thread and came back - to such good news about your revised attitude that I am going to do my customary :)

Thanks Trib..yes access needs working on but it's early days and DD1 isn't letting me out of her sight just lately, so him visiting here is working for her and that's the most important thing right now. It's also helping her to understand that daddy doesn't live with mummy, DD1 and the twins anymore, because when he leaves we say he has to go to daddy's home but he'll visit us again soon.
When he left today she shouted after him that he hadn't given mummy a kiss bye bye, so I told her we should blow him some kisses which she thought was brilliant. I was really proud of how I handled things today

Thanks theshimmeringpussycat..I thought I'd pop on to the EA thread, nice to make your acquaintence and thanks for the somersault. I woke up today and it was clear to me he can only exert as much control as I allow, and the only way to stop it is to disengage entirely, which I found easier than expected .
Early days, I know, but progress made!

I've been lurking on your thread, so a brief delurk to say very well done re your latest updates, keep up the good work

Thanks 50shades I feel a small victory has been won today. I'm celebrating with an equally small chinese takeaway supper and watching random crap on telly. Have a lovely evening

WOOOOO HOOOOOO well done!

Slight slap on the wrist over the text to him about the time he was coming over though missy!! Stop facilitating but overall a very awesome win for you!!!

Thanks mymiracle Chinese food winging its way to me as I speak (we never got chinese takeaway as a couple, he didn't like it and I love it ) just a little treat for the end of a successful day!

haha ohhhh chinese food....mmmm i am starving am on my way!

Haha oops..scoffed it all

Oh well done. The 'naughty toddler' method can work quite well with dickheads - ie ignoring tantrums and continuing to repeat necessary information without engaging. But it's possible he will start kicking up again soon; be firm and calm and involve the police if necessaryt.

Another one decloacking and cheering you on

Well done and (((hug)))

You have held yourself with great grace and strength,
Keep up the good work and yy to no facilitating,
I

Thanks Solid, it felt good ignoring his texts, at one point I'd never have even thought I was capable, everything got a response. Definite breakthrough moment. I'm fully expecting him to try a new tac but I'm in bring it on mode, refuse to see my lovely DC upset by him, refuse to let him control my future like he controlled my past.
Hi theoldhag, thanks for decloaking and thanks for your kind words. I don't think any of you know how grateful I am for your support and for taking the time to read and respond. My parents are in their late seventies and I haven't wanted to burden them too much, MN has been a godsend.

He is not the boss of you! Congratulations.

Thanks bitofkipper he's not is he! Not anymore!