Aaarrgghh he's done it again..and who does he think he is?

[CurtWild]

I have another thread about my stbxh letting our DC down on saturday but not sure how to link it, sorry. He's done it again today, cue our 3 yr old DD upset again and him making the excuse of not liking my tone of voice on the phone! All I did was ask when he'll be picking up the three big bags of stuff I'be been keeping for him while he moved into his new flat..which happened ten days ago. Apparently my tone was confrontational (it wasn't, I asked a reasonable question in a normal tone) and he's punished our babies for it! And blamed me!
He then text to say I need to 'do better' next time or he won't see them. I changed plans so he could see them today, I've been polite and amicable and done all I can to facilitate him seeing them and he decides my tone is wrong and I need to do better?! Who the fuck does he think he is?!
Aarrgghh..any advice? I got out of the emotionally and verbally adusive relationship to give me and DC a better, happy life. I've got my confidence back in leaps and bounds and feel so much stronger but he keeps dragging me down.
Help!

I'm sure he would rather buy them things than give you money because that way he'll look like the big man.

What does he think you'll do, spend the money on nail varnish and vodka?

Contact the CSA. You have to care for the children on your own and he's saying he can't cope with all of them for an hour or two? Shame on him.

I think you need to really think about disengaging and what that means.

What he thinks about anything is of no concern to you.

What you want from this situation is for him to support and do his bit as a parent to your children. Ideally this should be 50/50 but that's not always possible.

You need to step back, stop letting him call all the shots. He can collect the children and take care of them during his allotted times on his own. He is an adult. He will learn.

He doesn't come into your home and you don't take them to him. They go to his home. Make him work. Raising children is hard work and he needs to step up. You can do it as outlined above by creating firm boundaries and taking no nonsense.

Imperial..he's said more than once he won't pay for me to have a life of luxury. I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I bought myself anything, it's been DC first from day one, so any money he gave me would go on them.

Flange..he won't take them to his home, he refuses to tell me where he's living even, all he said was he has a flat and it's none of my business.

I wouldn't let him play God and the great benefactor, bestowing money on me when he felt like it and expecting you to bow down in gratitude. Get on to the CSA (or whatever it's called nowadays) pronto, and let them sting him for what he should be paying, with no strings attached.

Please stop expecting this dickhead to behave like a reasonable human being, because he isn't going to. Treat him with the detached contempt which is all he deserves. Set the CSA on him - even if they are unabnle to get much money out of himm, they will give him a hard time. It's not up to him to decide how much he ought to pay. Do the email-only thing and ignore abusive ones; other than that, put the phone down on him if he rings, lock the door against him if he arrives unexpectedly, ignore texts and emails.
His opinion of you is both wrong and unimportant. He's a silly little man who doesn't matter. ALl you are legally required to do is offer reasonable contact with DC ie once a week and you don't have to see or speak to him at all.

Dump his stuff out the door with the rubbish collection and don't let him give you that shit!

You owe it to you and your DC to "wash this man right out of your hair"!!

Oh, and rinse and repeat ad nauseum!

You will get there!

Thanks Solid..your post says it all really. I can't reason with him because he is the most unreasonable person I've ever met. I foolishly thought he might be slightly different when it came to our DC, I won't make that mistake again. If maintenance services haven't called my by midweek I'll call them. He'll go spare. Right now I feel like punishing and still having control over me, and ultimately my emotions, is more important to him than seeing our DC and they also probably don't fit very well into his newly found freedom. Thanks everyone, this is not only helping with clarity but venting feels good too!

Ananda..I'm on the thread about painting that man right out of my hair, I found decorating this house extremely theraputic, but I can't finish my amazing girly bedroom with three black bags of his crap sat in the corner!

Yeah, what solid said. You are no longer with this guy, therefore he has no say in what you do/think/feel. Those days are over. Limit his opportunity for trying to piss you off as much as you can.

He'll go spare? Yeah, fine, that's not your problem anymore. Give him a facility (email address/specific mobile number) for arrangements to see the kids and cut him out.

With respect to maintenance services, write to them and enclose all documentation and send it signed for.

You have a right to know where he lives when it comes to your children.
Personally with his claims of not coping and refusal to disclose his address I would push for supervised contact at a contact centre.

Clam..he feels he can still demand certain things of me, I've told him that as long as I'm polite and give him the chance to see our DC he has no right to anything more from me.
Flange..I thought about the contact centre route, I really don't want that for my DC but if he continues to be this ridiculous I might have to consider it. Yes he flatly refuses to tell me where he's living so even if I had a solicitor letter they couldn't forward it to him. There are also joint bills from our previous address that are all coming to me, which there's no way I can deal with on my own and don't see why I should have to.

Have you got somewhere you can hide his junk out of sight.

Yes keep up with the CMS make him pay what he should, and ignore any text's which don't relate to your children and don't answer any other then the bare minium to say what you needs to say. That way you can not get in to a text arguement with him.

Did you used to post under a different name about him.

Clutter..There's an old shed in the back garden but I figured if I put his stuff out there and it got wrecked then it's just something else to have a go at me for. I'm not sure where I stand legally seeing as I did agree to have it while he got sorted. Thing is he's sorted now and I've asked him to take it away.

Have letters sent to his workplace or a relative c/o . Forward all bills onto his workplace too.

Flange..his knobishness spilled into the workplace and he was sacked at the back end of last year..and he cut his entire family off in 2012 after he had a huge argument with them. I literally only have his mobile number and he never replies to emails. I'm so frustrated. I've tried to re-build my life with my DC and he's intent on being a dark cloud over it, no matter how reasonable and 'friendly' I am, he finds a way to control me.

.he won't take them to his home, he refuses to tell me where he's living even, all he said was he has a flat and it's none of my business.

I believe that by law he has to tell you where he is living if he is expecting to have the children - as their mother you have a legal and moral right to know exactly where your kids are. The courts would certainly enforce this!

As others have said, you are still letting this knob emotionally and verbally abuse you and you need to stop it.

I believe i have read someone above suggest you right out a contact schedule - this is an excellent idea. You tell him that you will make contact visits available on x,y,z dates. If he needs to cancel or amend the dates he needs to give you a minimum of 48 hours, he turns up at time A and returns them promptly at time B. Throw back at him the crap he is spouting!! HE collects and drops off - if he is soooooo concerned about you being frivolous with money then why does he want you doing 4 journeys for a contact visit?!

You tell him, via a solicitor if necessary, that ALL contact is to be written via email or text, you will not discuss on the phone if he is so concerned with your tone of voice - that way it is matter of fact with no risk of emotion.

And if he continues to abuse you or cancel without warning you will withdraw contact and see him in court. Your kids come first and he is doing them more harm than good by messing them about!

If he see's you have the strength to tell him to piss off and mean it he will hopefully start acting like a human being...although i wouldn't recommend holding your breath

MyMiracle..this is just it though, he doesn't want to take our DC, he wants to see them here or have us meet him in town, they're never with him without me so he says he has no need to tell me where he lives as they're not going there. I can stop engaging with him about anything other than our DC but if I attempt to 'control' the situation with regard to setting out contact days, I know he'll just be as difficult as possible because I actually think he's getting off on messing me around.

but hun he can only 'get off' on it if you let it happen!

He is controlling you and unfortunately you are letting him!!

Tell me to mind my own business but who ended the relationship?

Curt, I remember you so well from your previous posts...and have often wondered how you were! Sounds like your EX is still being a total knob! Time to get tough sweetie !!! Disengage disengage.

Re: his belongings, you have every right to change your mind about storing them. And anyway, he's sorted now, so the arrangement's over. Tell him where you're putting the bags and if that's the shed and they're damaged, tough.
There's no way I would allow him in my house. Nor would I traipse into town on his terms either. Tell him (in writing) that the dcs will be available on x date at y time for him to collect, and if he chooses not to, that's his lookout. And by "collect," I would make it clear that's a handover on the doorstep, not him coming in and metaphorically pissing on your territory.
You cannot reason with unreasonable people. Therefore don't even try. Cut this down to the barest minimum. Be civil. That's it.

MyMiracle..I ended the relationship. The last twelve months he became more and more vile to live with, verbal abuse, aggression and destruction of property, I called the police twice. When he started slamming around and shouting in my face in front of our DC, coupled with explicit texts to a girl he dated for a while before we met, it was clear I needed to end it and not let our DC grow up thinking that was normal.
Unfortunately I have to still engage to some extent as if I don't, he barely sees our DC and DD1 in particular adores her daddy and misses him very much. This leaves me feeling guilty for separating and I suppose I'm over compensating by making it as easy as possible for stbxh to see our DC. To see her so disappointed when he lets them down is heartbreaking.

Oh OP, I could have written this post myself!
Your ex sounds a lot like mine. I used to react and show my upset when he would let my little DC's down but now am cool as a cucumber and say "great I'm glad I get to keep them because I love being with them". He does it less now that he doesn't get the fight he was looking for.

I know it's really hard because it hurts when your babies get let down. It's unbelievable how heartless some people can be sometimes but just stay strong, try not to react and move on. You did great taking them out for a treat to occupy them. Just carry on loving your babies as hard as you can and forget about the loser

IF the calls are beneficial to your dd, let her have the phone.

When she hands it to you, hang up.

Don't speak to him unless he's civil.

Don't tell him this. You can't go explaining discipline and dog training to a mutt, can you?

Just reward good behaviour, ignore him when he can't behave.

Stop the use of your house. Let him man the fuck up and handle his dc, or just leave the contact for when he does get his act in gear.

Enough is enough. He doesn't run your lives anymore!