Aaarrgghh he's done it again..and who does he think he is?

[CurtWild]

I have another thread about my stbxh letting our DC down on saturday but not sure how to link it, sorry. He's done it again today, cue our 3 yr old DD upset again and him making the excuse of not liking my tone of voice on the phone! All I did was ask when he'll be picking up the three big bags of stuff I'be been keeping for him while he moved into his new flat..which happened ten days ago. Apparently my tone was confrontational (it wasn't, I asked a reasonable question in a normal tone) and he's punished our babies for it! And blamed me!
He then text to say I need to 'do better' next time or he won't see them. I changed plans so he could see them today, I've been polite and amicable and done all I can to facilitate him seeing them and he decides my tone is wrong and I need to do better?! Who the fuck does he think he is?!
Aarrgghh..any advice? I got out of the emotionally and verbally adusive relationship to give me and DC a better, happy life. I've got my confidence back in leaps and bounds and feel so much stronger but he keeps dragging me down.
Help!

In that case his behaviour makes sense - he is punishing you for being strong enough to kick his abusive arse to the curb (well done btw) and the best way to hurt a mother is to hurt her babies. He is also licking wounds that he lost control of you - so stop letting him continue to control you!

If he chooses not to see your kids then that is his issue not yours, so please stop making it yours!! Blaming yourself and facilitating his continuing abuse is letting him win and you might as well have not ended the marriage (sorry if that sounds harsh).

You tell him as suggested above that contact can be on X, Y and Z days at A to B times and he collects and returns them on the condition that you have his address and full contact details should anything happen. if he is not prepared to agree to this then he doesn't see the children and you leave it at that. You don't engage in a row, you ignore any further texts, calls, rants on the doorstep etc and you hold your own.

Point out that his behaviour is destroying your dd1 and that you are doing this for her protection as she needs the routine of knowing when she will be spending time with daddy.

If he isn't interested then she is better off without him in her life

No you don't have to engage. You cannot force him into having a relationship with your children. It is not your responsibility, it's his,so the guilt needs to stop.

I would consider him obsolete if I'm honest. He has to do all the running here. Step back and consider your own control issues in this situation.

Thanks all..This is pretty much what I thought, the best way to hurt me and continue to control the situation is through our DC. How awful , my poor babies. I know he's capable of being unbelievably cruel but I honestly thought he wouldn't be like that with our DC.
This affects DD1 more than the twins as she knows he's not here, whereas at 16 months they're quite oblivious. I'm ashamed to say I'm a bit lost, I got us out and I need to carry on standing up to him and making it clear I don't dance to his tune anymore but I feel like I'm failing them on this front

You aren't failing them- he is. If the situation is ever going to improve you need to put firm boundaries in place. You will absolutely be doing the best for everyone if you do.

the ONLY way you can fail them is to let him carry on controlling you hun!!

You have done the absolute best thing in the world for them when you found the strength to end your marriage. your eldest will understand eventually.

Is she old enough to explain what the issue is? Can you tell her that Daddy's behaviour towards Mummy isn't right and that Mummy had no choice but to end it? Explain that Daddy loves her but he is cross at Mummy and he is punishing Mummy and that you are sorry it is hurting her at the same time?

Sometimes being honest really is the best thing

Mymiracle..she's only 3 so the best I could do was say that daddy was shouting a lot so mummy and DD1 and the twins needed a new house and that daddy will still see them lots. Cue lots of making the house homey asap, letting her help with a lovely peppa pig room (she shared in with us before so she loves having her own room), and generally she's very happy and settled as everything is lovely and calm. She's used to him not being around much as he always had to be somewhere for something, it's just seeing her let down when she thinks she's seeing him. Awful

I wouldn't involve the child and explain anything, particularly apportioning blame. These are adult issues and children need to be protected from feeling they need to take sides.

Don't tell her when he is due then when he turns up it's a positive surprise.

Then simply don't mention him and don't tell her then she can't be upset

My rl friend had a very similar issue bother ds was older, he was quite vocal at wanting to know the truth as he wasn't being fobbed off with them just not loving each other etc. He would lie etc and when challenged pointed outstay she was lying to him sonic must be ok for him to lie which is why I suggested the truth. But at 3 yes she is far too young!!

She will also forget and adapt far better than you think so please stop engaging with this twerp and get on withhhaving a lovely life with your kids!!

Thanks all..I haven't told her on the last two occasions, he has. On saturday we were having lunch with him and he told DD1 he would come back with us and watch cinderella with her, then not ten minutes later he changed his mind. Today he asked to speak to DD1 on the phone, told her he'd see her soon and had a surpise for her and the twins, then when I spoke to him he cancelled because of my (very normal and not at all confrontational) tone.

Sorry you are going through this and sorry you are a survivor of EA. Well done for ltb.

My x did exactly the same. Also EA. I didn't want to be tye bad guy so I used to push for contact. Waste of time. If tyey know you care they will exploit it.

You need to work on your am I bothered face. Hard becaue you feel your dc are being hurt but better in the long run.
This is your dc contact with their father, their right not his. He has responsibilities not rights. However contact with him is only in their interest if he actually chooses to see tgem. It is not a favour to you or them to be granted or deniedby him.

My x would punish me by not seeing dc and in the end I stopped making arrangements and just left him to stew. Once he realised if he did not make an effort (took about 5 weeks) that he would not see them he stopped being such a dick.

You also need to remove yourself from the contact situation. Contact should not be in your house nor should you have to go with to do the wife work. He us a parent he needs to act like one. If he cannot cope with all 3 then twins one visit dd the next. And no phone conversations he is being a manipulative twunt. (I have twins too btw and yes it is hard but ffs you manage, I manage so can he). Don't tell tge kids he is coming and they won't miss him. Also do not care what he says to his friends. He will kie and manipulate whatever you do so you need to just let it go and do what is vest fir you anddc, whatever makes your life easier and helps you all recover and lead as nirmal and stabke a life as possible.
Sorry for typos.

Check out EA thread if you need to chat to others in similar positions. It was there that I was advised his contact his problem not your resposibility. I found it really hard advice to take to start with and heartbreaking that he would use punish our babies but it really was the right advice.
He now turns up for contact because he gains nothing by messing about and he pays through csa so he has no way of controlling me.
Be kind to yourself

Thanks mink..His problem is obviously with me and his not being able to control me anymore so doing it via our DC (having twins is awesome isn't it!..and DD1 is a doting if a bit bossy big sister )
It's clear to me I need to give him no reaction whatsoever. And if he has a problem with my tone of voice it'll be text only from now on. That way I also have written proof of what should be happening and when, and also if he's being abusive. Thanks again, everyone has been so helpful

He seems to be using the phone calls to your DD as another weapon. I think for now you should stop them. If you text him tomorrow and say his stuff is in the shed (or possibly a storage unit so he doesn't have to come to the house?) and that as he has been upsetting your DD by promising her things on the phone and then rescinding, you don't think phone contact is appropriate at present. You could also tell him you will not be telling her when he is coming to collect her as it is upsetting her when he backs out (thereby removing one weapon). I wouldn't take any calls from him and I would tell him that too. Then get the CSA involved, suggest a contact centre if he 'can't cope' and don't engage.

Good morning and thank you all for your responses. So much good advice and all of it pointing to me having to dig a bit deeper and toughen up those boundaries. I was foolish to think that once I left, he'd relinquish his hold over me. The most important thing for me is making sure our DC aren't further upset by his need to punish me.
Firstly, I won't be contacting him at all regarding visitation, it's down to him to do that and if he chooses not to then it's his loss and I'll continue to fill my babies days with good things.
Secondly, I won't be accepting any more phone calls and if he calls I'll text straight back telling him text communication only, that way he doesn't have to take 'offence' by my tone of voice .
Thirdly, his three bags are going into the shed, I can't guarantee it's water tight so if it rains then I can't help that. I've asked him more than once to collect them now.
Lastly, disengage. That seems to come up often and although I have done to a certain extent, I do still get sucked in when he's disappointed our DC. I might try the 'oh that's fine, I can take them to x, y or z instead' text reply and see how he likes that.
I don't want to be difficult about him seeing them, but I refuse to allow him to still have this level of control over me, my life, my feelings and ultimately my babies. Thanks again and hopefully I'll be updating in a much more positive fashion!

I can never get my head round how a parent can do this to their children. He is an idiot and he needs to grow up and take his responibilities seriously and make the effort to see his children. It sounds like at the moment he prefers the drama and the upset for all of you rather than happily seeing his kids which is mad. Count your blessings you and your kids are apart from him. Don't stop him seeing them, but I wouldn't encourage it. He's a bad father.

Thanks aw..I can't get my head round it either, they deserve far better than he seems capable of. I'd never refuse him contact but from now on it's down to him to make the effort. Right now he can't look past punishing me, and ultimately punishing three wonderful little people in the process. It just serves to steel my resolve that I did the very best thing I could by getting us away from him and there will be no further 'wobbles' at wondering if we could have made it work.

Well done OP.
Sounds like you've woken up this morning on the very assertive side of the bed.
Keep reading that plan back to yourself and stick to it.
You sound so much stronger already!
Don't forget to call CSA again soon.
Loving your last 2 posts!

Yay!!! Well done hun you are doing the right thing!!

Good luck, stay strong and remember when you feel your resolve failing you we are here to kick you up the butt help

Thanks all no word at all from him today and ideally he should be telling me what time to expect him tomorrow (the original day he chose to visit on). I'm not running after him, he knows where we are and how to contact me. Making the most of the warm weather today with an extended trip to the playground seeing as it's just round the corner . Have a nice afternoon all!

Hope you have had a lovely time at the park! My dd is still really poorly so been house bound all bar a trip to the chemist

Oh dear mymiracle, sorry to hear about your DD, DD1 had a really nasty virus recently lasting 10 days and it knocked her flat. Hope your DD is on the mend soon. Virtual and a heading your way. This is the first day DD1 hasn't asked where daddy is, part of me finds that sad, but mostly I just think if he's fading out of our wonderful DC's lives then it's his loss. It'll serve him right if he wakes up one day very, very alone because his shiny new friends have lost interest, whereas I wake up every day to smiley little faces, cuddles and laughter.

Thanks hun the cake and tea much appreciated!! She has been ill on amd off with the same virus since Xmas

It's a good sign in one way that she isn't asking about her father, saves you having to lie and means she is adjusting to him not being around. And as you say it is entirely his loss, your dcs have everything they need with you!

You sound like such an AMAZING mamma Curt! You GO!

Thanks mymiracle and cakehappy..that really made me smile. Just doing my best..DC have come first from day one and always will. I'm glad to say they have a very smiley mummy today. You're all very kind and I'm really touched by the amount of support I've felt on here
I'm sure stbxh has more crap in store for me but I've had such good (and very much needed) advice on MN that I know I'm quite at liberty to ignore and disengage when it comes to anything other than giving him opportunity to see our DC. What he chooses to do with that opportunity is his responsibility. Oh and he can shift his stuff out of my shed asap .

It doesn't matter what he feels or thinks. He does not have any rights over you. He doesn't, actually, have any rights at all - it's the children who have rights, in the eyes of the law, to contact with their father only if that's in their best interests.
So cut him off. Let him take you to court. Inform him by text or email to collect his belongings within 7 days or they will be disposed of, and set the CSA on his sorry arse.
He's an inadequate little prick and you are under no obligation at all to obey him or take his feelings into condiseration. The fact that the police have had to be called more than once because of his abusive behaviour will help get restrictions placed on his behaviour even if he does go to court, which he probably won't if you ignore him.