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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH, prostitution and pregnancy

83 replies

messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 11:50

So last night I found out my DH visited a prostitute last Friday lunchtime. Apparently he saw an advert, got curious, rang, visited, paid the girl £100 to do 'whatever he wanted' but couldn't actually go through with it.
I'm 15 weeks pregnant with DC3. We have had our ups and downs and could do with working a few things out but actually our sex life has always been v good (if a little sporadic and inconsistent due to having small children).
I confronted him, he says he's told me the truth, he didn't go through with it. I'd like to think I believe him but to be honest don't know what to think.
I've told him he needs to get an STI check today. We actually had sex the night before so now I'm worried for my baby too.
Christ, what a mess!
Don't know who to speak to or what to do and sat here blubbing.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 10/03/2014 16:55

OP, of course its natural that you want to believe him Sad

You are in great shock and as a result its easier to stay in denial about what your H is capable of doing and what he has probably been up to all those years Sad

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 10/03/2014 17:18

Looks like I am in the minority and believe it may be possible he is telling the truth. However, he may go the whole way ,if there is a next time.

Confide in your midwife, but most prostitutes insist on condoms and have regular STI checks, obviously you need to get checked for your own peace of mind.

Found out my h has visited prostitutes before Christmas, still dealing with the shock of it all ,so can understand how you may be feeling at the moment.

MissScatterbrain · 10/03/2014 17:22

Condoms do not protect from all STIs though.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 10/03/2014 17:28

No they don't, but I am only saying what I was told by GUM clinic , obviously OP needs to get checked out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2014 17:32

Even if he's telling the truth what the hell was he thinking? 'Curious' men are the type that end up pissed in Amsterdam on a stag weekend and wander into a brothel for a dare. This one looked someone up on the web, rang more than once in order to book a Friday lunchtime session, then handed over £100 and walked away ... stone cold sober. Hmm

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 17:35

What Cog said.

Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 17:46

Cog - that's pretty much the conversation we had in a nutshell. He was in agreement. I think maybe the stupidity of it all kicked in when he was alone with the girl.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2014 17:51

Of course he was in agreement. He's put together a completely implausible explanation gambling that, like his Friday Hooker, you'll swallow anything ... Hmm

FatherJake · 10/03/2014 17:54

Ok two things here.

  1. He had sex with a prostitute. That much is 99.99% certain. It's also 99% sure this is not the first time, far too much of a coincidence and doesn't fit the pattern.
  1. Prostitutes, especially those from agencies, do not have STIs. They are far, far too careful. I know that mumsnetters get very excited about STIs when someone is caught using a prostitute but one night stands are far more likely to get someone an STI. Of course get tested but it will be negative unless he's been up to anything else.

So the question is what you do with point 1 and whether for you there is any way back. But if you want honesty and he persists with his claims that he didn't go through with it or that this was the first time then assume he is lying.

Phalenopsis · 10/03/2014 18:03

paid the girl £100 to do 'whatever he wanted' but couldn't actually go through with it

Sorry OP, this isn't washing with me. Why would you pay someone £100 for something they haven't done?! Embarrassed or not, I don't believe that he didn't have sex with her. He's minimising and if were you, I'd prepare myself for more revelations. If you read some other threads on here, you'll realise that cheaters, regardless of the nature of the cheating, follow a script and that's what he appears to be doing.

As far as I'm concerned, people don't get curious about prostitutes all of a sudden and then see one at lunchtime. It's not like splurging on a new jumper.

I couldn't stand to have him near me and I'd ask him to go. Your choice regarding action, but I wouldn't be believing him.

MrsBartowski · 10/03/2014 18:05

Did he argue against the need for the STI check then?

If he knew he hadn't slept with her (or anyone else) then surely he'd be pretty forceful about not needing one?

Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 18:11

I was adamant he had to have one and he felt it was the least he could do. We didn't really 'discuss' it.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 10/03/2014 18:20

If you believe his story you need your faculties testing IMO. And the fact that he booked a session with a prostitute is more than enough to end this sorry sham of a marriage.

Drowninginsorrow · 10/03/2014 18:37

My heart goes out to you. Have been there only I didn't catch my DH - he confessed after our son was still born. My post is Here

My advice to you would be to let your midwife know. Mine was fantastic and they will support you both emotionally and practically sign posting you to services that may help. They may even be able to do the required swabs and blood tests to save you a trip to the GUM. Regardless of whether he says he didn't do anything please get checked yourself as despite it being possible that he is telling the truth the safety of yours and your child's life is not worth taking a chance on.

Once that issue has been addressed you can start to think about your choices regarding to your relationship and your life together.

Be kind to yourself and put you and your bump first. I found it really hard to tell anyone in real life and the support I got from here was what I leant on (Thanks to those of you who were there for me!!) Sending you a big hug which I know is not the mumsnet thing to do but it was what I needed at the time.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 18:42

Drowning great post Thanks
Are you still with your DH?

notapizzaeater · 10/03/2014 18:55

How awful for Op and drowning, hope u all ok x

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 10/03/2014 18:55

Drowning I read your post , so sorry about your baby son.

My h confessed as well, he ended up being admitted to a psychiatric hospital because of guilt and trying to keep it all a secret.

Drowninginsorrow · 10/03/2014 19:37

Don't want to derail the thread so will update my original post about my situation when I get chance on my laptop as on my phone at the moment.

But OP take heart that whilst it may feel like the end of the world at the moment it isn't. You're not the first to suffer this and I doubt you'll be the last but I promise you this - you will survive it. Please do use your midwife for support in real life and we're here for you too xxxx

Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 19:59

Oh drowning, what an awful, awful time you've had. It's been painful to read but I thank you so much for posting and for your reassuring words. I'd be interested to read your update and hear how things have panned out for you.

I think my DH would be equally ignorant re the effects of STI on an unborn baby and he has no cultural differences to defend him.

DH just called to wish boys a good night and DS1 told him he was his 'best friend'. It made my heart break.

OP posts:
Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 20:06

Thanks to everyone for your responses, even though they've often been hard to read. I know I'm incredibly naive and naturally try to look for the best in people. What a wake-up call.

NK - how are you managing to move on from this? Are you still together?

OP posts:
NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 10/03/2014 21:01

Felt I had to have him home when he was discharged from psychiatric unit because our youngest was so traumatized by him threatening suicide in front of her.
I have accepted what happened, but am find it very hard to deal with. I think my future is on my own with the children.

Take care of yourself and your bump.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/03/2014 21:15

I'm another one going to add, they ALL say they "didn't go through with it". He did. He will continue to lie it and to deny it, but he did. Not that it makes much difference.

Mess, even if he didn't sleep with her, do you think its acceptable for a married man to sleep with his pregnant wife, then arrange to meet a prostitute so that he can do 'anything with her'?

That is so far from acceptable that its off the scale.

I wouldn't be looking to move on from this.

Friginilla · 10/03/2014 21:40

From my experience, when they say nothing happened, something happened, and when they finally fess up, they couldn't even get hard (yea right)
Sorry you're going through this Thanks

MissScatterbrain · 11/03/2014 12:37

Op - How are you today?

Jan45 · 11/03/2014 12:48

And do remember the prostitute/escort whatever she calls herself will be well experienced in shy men, I'm sure she had no trouble encouraging your OH to part with his money as well as his trousers.

The fact he is lying about it is a double smack in the face, I can't understand either how you can even been in the same room as this pathetic man, cos that's exactly what he is.

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