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Original poster

DH, prostitution and pregnancy

83 replies

messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 11:50

So last night I found out my DH visited a prostitute last Friday lunchtime. Apparently he saw an advert, got curious, rang, visited, paid the girl £100 to do 'whatever he wanted' but couldn't actually go through with it.
I'm 15 weeks pregnant with DC3. We have had our ups and downs and could do with working a few things out but actually our sex life has always been v good (if a little sporadic and inconsistent due to having small children).
I confronted him, he says he's told me the truth, he didn't go through with it. I'd like to think I believe him but to be honest don't know what to think.
I've told him he needs to get an STI check today. We actually had sex the night before so now I'm worried for my baby too.
Christ, what a mess!
Don't know who to speak to or what to do and sat here blubbing.

OP posts:
babyheaves · 10/03/2014 12:44
Shock

You poor thing. Of course he went through with it. He's been caught out and has decided to come up with the one story that may allow him to get away with it. He went to the lengths of planning, booking, visiting and paying a prostitute. That is unforgivable.

flipchart · 10/03/2014 12:46

He doesn't have had to have drawn £100 out of the bank to pay here so just because you can't see a withdrawal for that amount doesn't mean he hasn't got it about him to pay.

I'm waffling, but for example if I need a 100 quid now, I know there is 40 quid in a drawer in the bedroom 38 in my purse , a tenner in my jeans pocket and £20 in a bank book for when I go to town. There would be no mention of it on statements IYSWIM.

aufaniae · 10/03/2014 12:49

When I caught my ex having an affair, he said he'd got as far as the bedroom, then thought if me and couldn't go through with it.

It was utter nonsense, which he admitted eventually (would have been pretty hard to keep that lie up, she was pregnant).

I would be very surprised indeed if your DH is telling the truth. He's trying to wriggle out of being caught.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/03/2014 12:49

So you catch him out - and it just so happens to be the first time he's ever done anything like this and despite actually paying, he didn't do anything?

I hope for your sake that you don't believe that.

If you had not discovered this, he would not have told you.

He has been sleeping with you unprotected too, and exposing your unborn child to STIs. Which could kill them.

He is a MAJOR league scumbag. Please protect yourself - assume he is lying, get tested yourself, call your midwife and ask for advice.

And this is just the health-related stuff - I won't even get into the infidelity, the lying, and the doing this to you while pregnant.

Scumbag.

People on here will hold your hand. Oh, and once again, he is lying. I think you know that. If you hadn't caught him out, he'd have carried on lying. You wouldn't have known a thing. Until possibly you were faced with a sick baby.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/03/2014 12:52

You don't need to trust anyone right now, OP. Get information, get tested, make sure you and your baby are safe and don't worry about trusting, just stay calm, take your time, remember you don't have to make ANY decisions in anyone's timeframe but your own, and any decision you make you reserve the right to change your mind!

I hope you can get some RL support, but people on here will be here for you.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/03/2014 12:54

He went through with it and it will not be the first time Sad.

I'm sorry, exactly the same thing happened to me but I did not find out till much later, he was doing it throughout my pregnancy with dd. Luckily we were both ok.

You must get checked immediately and then you must throw him out, you really have no other options. I am so sorry.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/03/2014 13:01

Oh and as time goes on and you do not believe him please prepare yourself for him to become angry and resentful at not being believed. Entitled men like this will separate themselves from their actions and will convince themselves that you SHOULD believe them and no wonder they are driven to this kind of behaviour when they have to put up with a selfish, untrusting woman in their relationship.

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 13:06

I'd guess he's done this before, possibly when you were pregnant with child 1 and child 2, just so happens you've caught him out this time, what a lovely man, please do not accept this, this is not normal and not your fault at all.

As has been said, he will minimise and lie as much as he needs to now.

LividofLondon · 10/03/2014 13:19

To add to what others have said, if he really "didn't go through with it" after having got as far as booking the woman and turning up, perhaps what happened was...
He got a sudden attack of guilt, gave her the money, made his excuses and left before even getting his kit off (possible, but how likely?)
He wasn't feeling guilty but didn't fancy her when he met (but would've gone through with it if he had)
He couldn't get it up (not for want of trying, but would've done everything he wanted otherwise)

Regarding the money, he could've been squirreling away a few quid here and there so it wasn't noticeable.

AdoraBell · 10/03/2014 13:22

He's probably, somewhere in his hórrid little mind, relying on you not wanting your world To fall apart, not wanting your friends and family To find out.

But you haven't lied, cheated on your spouse and paíd for sex, thus putting the Health of your spouse and not yet born child at risk. You are not the one that valúes your family so lowly that you put your own desires for physical gratificación above all else.

It's his world that should be falling apart, not your's.

Get yourself checked for STIs, talk To your GP if you feel able To and find a good solícitor. I couldn't continúe with my DH if he did this.

I'm sorry this is happening, take care of you and DCs and be kind To yourself. You haven't done anything To cause his behaviour, that's all him.

FabBakerGirl · 10/03/2014 13:28

Oh dear, you poor thing.

Priority has to be yours and your baby's health. You have done nothing wrong so please don't feel embarrassed and call your GP or midwife to find out what you need to do now. Whatever you decide today doesn't have to be forever but I would say no sex at all until you both know he hasn't given you anything. HE Needs to get to the clinic today. Don't let him tell you it has to be you that goes. I presume if he has nothing then you are safe. I am not qualified so someone who is needs to confirm that.

coppertop · 10/03/2014 13:37

Your own evidence shows that he didn't just 'see an advert'. He actively searched for the company so that he could get the number.

So that's one lie in his story already.

I wouldn't believe a word he said.

Sorry, OP.

antiabz · 10/03/2014 13:40

What a bastard.

I'd say the same. The amount of hookers that must get paid to do nothing because the caught out man 'couldn't go through with it' must be astronomical Hmm

I wouldn't let this cretin back into your bed OP.

Finola1step · 10/03/2014 13:54

This isn't his first time OP.

A man doesn't suddenly one Friday lunch time switch from being a loving, faithful husband to a man arranging to see a prostitute, paying her for the full monty, (but not actually doing anything).

Come on Mess. Next he will be telling you he had a bump on the head and didn't know what he's doing.

My money would be on your h being experienced in buying sex. Whether its porn, lap dancing, paying for oral. Whatever. It had to start somewhere.

He is minimising big time and because of your situation, you want to believe him. That's perfectly understandable. But his story simply doesn't hold up. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 14:42

It seems everyone's in agreement. It's probably just that I'm in shock that I can't see things quite such black and white terms. When I think back to confronting him he still didn't admit it til I divulged the evidence I had. I think that's going to help me face the fact he's lying. I always knew he was capable of the odd white lie but just thought he loved his kids more than this...

Weirdly, after I confronted him about it we talked properly about important things for the first time in years...that makes me sad thinking that its taken this for us to find some bizarre way of communicating again. Though to be honest I imagine talking may be a bit strained from here on in.

I'm going to talk to the midwife tomorrow. He's away working tonight (pls don't start telling me what he'll be up to whilst away as my imagination works well enough by itself) which gives me the time to think and focus on my kids.

I'm a SAHM, financially dependent and miles from family. We've lived in this area for just over a year so have several friends but no-one particularly close, well not anyone I've had to depend on before. I still feel like I'm not ready to tell anyone in RL yet. I need for the shock to subside and reality to set in.

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 14:44

Blimey OP, sorry to see this. Hope you and bump are OK x

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 14:47

Something seriously lacking in his character OP to do something like this, who cares what he's doing whilst away, you need to think about you and your babies now, that's what's important. If you have one best friend please confide in them, you need to have some kind of support after this shock, or even your own mum?

Ludways · 10/03/2014 15:33

An awful thing to find out about this and the timing couldn't be worse, I'm so sorry, I hope you work things out in your head and make the best life for you and your baby, however that may be.

One of my dh's friends visits prostitutes, he does it every few months when the urge takes him, looking at recent finances may not throw up a pattern, but he's EE doing it for about 20 years. He's a handsome man with a beautiful and lovely regular girlfriend, he just wants dirty unattached sex every once in a while. I think your dh may be the same?

Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 16:02

If that were the case Ludways then I'd rather he just said. I think it's the dish

OP posts:
Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 16:02

Sorry, bloody

OP posts:
Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 16:05

Sorry bloody phone! I'd rather he said if its unattached sex he's after. It's the lies more than the sex that I can't get my head round.

OP posts:
HelenHen · 10/03/2014 16:06

Oh this is so horrible... You poor thing! Sad this would be an absolute deal breaker for me I'm afraid... The prostitute usage alone! Please tell your midwife and your gp and they can help you. I would also tell him that, if he leaves without a fuss, I will not tell anyone what a nasty scumbag he is! But that's just me!

HelloBoys · 10/03/2014 16:07

I'm sorry you had to hear this. and are going through this Sad

I will say this, one man I know who used prostitutes (he was also an alcoholic) after his wife had their only child through IVF AFAIK, continued to use prostitutes as well as drink.

They're now divorced. I suppose some might say better he told you and better prostitutes rather than EA or actual physical affair.

HelloBoys · 10/03/2014 16:19

oh shit - he lied about it too? sorry but have to agree with others, if he's lied too that's awful.

and it won't be the first or last time he will use them either (from what the person I knew involved with them told me) - they just get smarter at lying etc... sorry this is not what you want to hear.

Original poster
messandnonsense · 10/03/2014 16:37

No HelloBoys, I don't know if he's lying. Everyone here thinks he is, it seems I'm in the minority by not quite letting go of the idea that he didn't go through with it.

OP posts: