need some advice on this issue

[dilemma73]

Bare with me as this might get a bit long and ranty (have name changed for this as I don't want to be identified in rl).

My dm has been living with us for about ten years, i am a lone parent with two teenage dd's.

Recently due to living in privately rented accommodation my rent has risen dramatically and i am only just breaking even when working overtime, out of hours and night shifts.

Realistically we need to move to smaller accommodation but this isn't possible with dm still living with us. I feel guilty even typing this as i love my dm to bits but it is all becoming too much and i am constantly tired, stressed out and irritable with my dd's, we never have any money to do nice things and it is getting me down.
My dm is late sixties, in good health and is perfectly mobile, however she doesn't contribute around the house, doesn't offer any money towards bills or unexpected emergencies like the car breaking down unless asked and then it becomes a big drama and she goes off in a huff as she is currently saving to go on her third exotic holiday in a year! I haven't been on holiday in years and neither have my dd's as i just cant afford it.
She gets irritated by any noise made in the house after about 9:30 at night which is when she goes to bed but this is our house too and i feel like i am being dictated to about what i can do in my own home, i know this is a separate issue but is just adding to the stress.

In the near future i am going to need money to support my dd's when they go to university, to pay for driving lessons and at the moment with the current situation this is just not feasible.

I have tried to talk to her about it and suggested us finding her a bungalow or a sheltered housing flat where she will receive housing benefit and can live independently but every time the conversation comes about there is always tears and my guilt and my conscience takes over and i leave it however now it is starting to impact on my dd's i have a feeling it is all going to come to a head.
I have five other siblings who are all in better financial positions than i am and no one is offering to help and i suppose i just feel like all the responsibility has fell to me.

please tell me I am not a bad person for feeling like this and that I am not unreasonable to want to try and improve the quality of life for me and my dd's.

Whenever she talks about moving to anybody she says 'we' like she automatically assumes that she is moving with us, she never questions our feelings. Thanks for all your input and I will be taking your advice and not beating around the bush or offering out suggestions i will be telling her what is happening, thanks again x

Go for it! And good bloody luck! xx

Everytime she says "we" do that light little laugh along with a "mother it's time for you to move out, you're a grown up now"

Remember, be firm, you can't afford it - she'll have to stand on her own 2 feet and claim housing benefit.

Good luck!!!!!

Well it didn't go to well she tried to make a joke of it and would not take it seriously I am amazed I managed to keep my cool. Today she has called my daughter stupid, hit her round the back with her handbag whilst I popped out and told her this is HER house! Erm until you pay the rent this is my house. I have spent most of my day off cleaning the house as usual whilst she was in bed drinking tea. I am going to have to resort to drastic action and find my family a smaller house on our own without her knowledge and let her find her own accommodation. I am afraid our relationship is probably going to be irreparable in the aftermath, this was not the route I wanted to take but I am at a loss as to what else to do, feeling very low.

Awww OP. First of all...have virtual hug.

Now - your mother knew perfectly well that you were serious, and like a coward, she projected her feelings about it onto your daughter.
She means to live with you forever.

You must disillusion her of that notion.

She hit your daughter?!

Tell her to move out now. She can go stay with one of her other children in the interim while she sorts herself out.

Yep she's just blown any chance of you playing nicely, get rid.

You poor thing. It must be dreadful but you have to do the right thing for you and your DDs.

You would be absolutely right to tell her that her hitting your daughter is not acceptable and you want her to leave, within 7 days, if not immediately.

To stay in this house, you need a paid lodger, or you need to downside.

Which do you want to do? And, if a lodger is an option, what's market rate in your area and would your mum pay it? If she says no, her choice.

There is something else you can do. You can tell her to get out right now. One of your siblings will have to take her in then, or she will have to sort something out herself.

I would have no one ...mother, husband or whoever treating my kids like that.

You cannot reason with the unreasonable.

OP, you are in an awful situation. Your mother's behaviour is unacceptable but you need to deal with this calmly rather than just throw her out. I would sit down and tell her that you ARE moving somewhere smaller and give her a timeline, say two months, to decide what she wants to do. Tell her you will help her look for somewhere to live but the situation cannot stay as it is and needs to change. Tell her her financial contribution has not been enough and will not be enough going forward.. And that you now need to think about your girls.
Then call up all your siblings, tell them what's happened and suggest they are on hand to support your mother while she finds somewhere else. Tell them you need to move, you can't afford it, your mother is increasingly difficult and YOU need their help. Then start looking for a place.
Best of luck xx

She sat in bed drinking tea, in your house, after verbally and physically assaulting your daughter.

And you think drastic action is secretly moving house. Bloody hell woman!

You've just demonstrated to your own daughter that if someone hurts her you'll do nothing but hand wring.

Grow a spine. Or wait for your kids to move out leaving you with the abusive old "malodger".

Pack her bags. Put them outside. She has her exotic holiday savings. She can afford a hotel tonight (and a rental deposit later, since your siblings are smart enough to not take her in).

Tbh id just say "me and the girls are moving into X on the 1st May. I suggest you find somewhere in the meantime as our home will not be big enough to rent a room out any longer"

And then just work towards leaving on that date.

This actually sounds like emotional abuse. She takes without giving. She doesn't care about the damaging effect of her actions on you. She stonewalls to avoid discussing it. You walk on eggshells around her. If you force the issue even a little bit you get emotional blackmail and abuse. You back right off to avoid it.

What about posting a question along those lines? You might practical advice about handling her.

she must be the most entitled person on the planet. almost anyway.

tell her you're renting her room out. she's got a week to find somewhere else.

OP, if you get a paying lodger, would you still need to move house ?

Moving house to get away from this woman seems a bit drastic (and expensive) !

WTAF? She struck your child and you didn't give her the option of leaving forever within the hour, or being removed by the police?

Those were the options I suggested to my own DM, when she made noises about disciplining DD.

I was wondering the same thing as AF: could you get a paying lodger in to help you pay rent? Even if only as a transitional move before you downsize, if that's still what you prefer.

And you really need to turn her out, tonight, for hitting your daughter. She can afford a hotel for the night or a taxi ride to one of your siblings'.

I don't want to move to get away from her I just want to reduce my rent as my work is unpredictable and I want the stability of knowing that even if I was made redundant (quite possible) that my rent would be covered temporarily and realistically I cannot afford this house anymore anyway. I don't really want to take on the hassle of a lodger I just want to move to a smaller 3 bedroomed property.

Fair enough.

the problem is Dm cannot move with us to a smaller property and amongst other the other issues I have with her it just feels like the right time to break away.

Understatement of the year

Yes it is the right time so don't let her blackmail you into submission or going secret squirrel. However you go about it there will be a huge fall out, it is unavoidable. Find your new place, hand your notice in and tell her when she needs to leave by.