need some advice on this issue

[dilemma73]

Bare with me as this might get a bit long and ranty (have name changed for this as I don't want to be identified in rl).

My dm has been living with us for about ten years, i am a lone parent with two teenage dd's.

Recently due to living in privately rented accommodation my rent has risen dramatically and i am only just breaking even when working overtime, out of hours and night shifts.

Realistically we need to move to smaller accommodation but this isn't possible with dm still living with us. I feel guilty even typing this as i love my dm to bits but it is all becoming too much and i am constantly tired, stressed out and irritable with my dd's, we never have any money to do nice things and it is getting me down.
My dm is late sixties, in good health and is perfectly mobile, however she doesn't contribute around the house, doesn't offer any money towards bills or unexpected emergencies like the car breaking down unless asked and then it becomes a big drama and she goes off in a huff as she is currently saving to go on her third exotic holiday in a year! I haven't been on holiday in years and neither have my dd's as i just cant afford it.
She gets irritated by any noise made in the house after about 9:30 at night which is when she goes to bed but this is our house too and i feel like i am being dictated to about what i can do in my own home, i know this is a separate issue but is just adding to the stress.


In the near future i am going to need money to support my dd's when they go to university, to pay for driving lessons and at the moment with the current situation this is just not feasible.

I have tried to talk to her about it and suggested us finding her a bungalow or a sheltered housing flat where she will receive housing benefit and can live independently but every time the conversation comes about there is always tears and my guilt and my conscience takes over and i leave it however now it is starting to impact on my dd's i have a feeling it is all going to come to a head.
I have five other siblings who are all in better financial positions than i am and no one is offering to help and i suppose i just feel like all the responsibility has fell to me.

please tell me I am not a bad person for feeling like this and that I am not unreasonable to want to try and improve the quality of life for me and my dd's.

[dilemma73]

No, they all have there own lives and partners and it has been so long I suppose it has just become the norm that she will always live with us .. sigh .. I feel like a teenager my self sometimes not a fully grown woman.

[RandomMess]

Before you "discuss" this with her you need cold hard facts.

Work out and write down how much her living with you is costing you per week/month.

So the difference in rent between what you pay now and where you would live if she weren't there

Difference in council tax between what you pay now and what you would pay in a cheaper property with 25% lone adult discount

25% of utility bills

25% of food bills

anything else she is costing you?

Then present it in a factual way "this is how much it is costing me per week to have you live with us, you are only giving me £50 per week - I can no longer afford to have you living here. Either you pay your way or the girls and I will have to move to a cheaper property without you"

Oh and tell your girls your rules about night time noise and tell your dm to shift her sleep routine to accommodate their later evenings now they are older!

[pictish]

What anyfucker said really.
Come on OP...sort her out.

[irrationalme]

Where from & how much income does your dm have?

[alwaysneedaholiday]

Could you afford to stay where you are if DM contributed?

Do you want to stay where you are?

Do you want to continue living with DM? (I'm guessing not!)

[Wrapdress]

When you put her out she may never talk to you again. It's like you keep her with you or you are a horrible person. There's no in-between.

Tell the sibs, "Tag, you're it." and then get away from her with the full expectation you will be labeled the Bad Person. She's manipulating you and she and the sibs expect you to be what I call The Adult Daughter - stuck with sacrificing your own life for your mother's. It's hard as hell trying to extract yourself from being in this The Adult Daughter role. The sibs will be mad at you, too. Just get ready....

Didn't you know you were put on this Earth to be your mother's lifelong Step-n-Fetch ?

[dilemma73]

She gets about two hundred pound a week in pensions so if she gave me half then I could probably just afford it but my job is unpredictable so if I was made redundant or have a bad week then there would still be a massive shortfall. In a nutshell it is just not practical to stay here and I just want the security and stability of being able to live comfortably and the only way I can do this is a smaller house.

[pancakedayiscoming]

Hm, I was going to write about how tough it can be looking after parents, but it sounds like that was never the agreement. You need to talk and actually make an agreement, whatever it is but making sure it is feasible, then you'll feel less guilty. In my family we do take in the old ones but it's with the understanding that while they are respected, of course, we are head of house, so things like nose levels can be handled much more easily.

[RandomMess]

Are you sure she can't claim housing benefit anyway? There are certainly questions on the form about who else lives in the property etc.

Anyhow it sounds as though you need to move without her so I'm afraid you are just going to have to tell her that it doesn't work for you and the dds anymore. You are going to be in the wrong whatever you do or say so I'd just get on with it!!!

I would still give her a detailed list of how much having her live with you is costing - bet you it's more than £100 per week. It's much harder for her to argue with the cold hard facts.

[neiljames77]

Is there no chance that when you wave her off at the airport as she goes on her 3rd foreign holiday of the year, you can scoot back to the house and load a van up with all your belongings and go to a new house? At least when she gets back it will be nice and quiet for her.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, just a warning. I've found on MN that whenever the OP says "sigh" she never ends up taking any action.

You need to be forthright. Do some research first to find out what's available for her and for you. Does she ever go to stay with one of your siblings? If so talk to her just before she goes and then say, "Well, maybe you could live with sibling?" If she talks about it to them, they will then make her see sense.

[AnyFucker]

your siblings all have their own lives ?

erm...

[dilemma73]

Random I haven't looked into into it but I doubt it because of my earnings,imperial I have suggested it as they do have spare bedrooms but it caused a tantrum and a shock of horror response

[dilemma73]

They seem to enjoy the nice bits, taking her out for coffee and visiting with flowers but then return to there own lives without a backwards glance

[AnyFucker]

your siblings don't want the freeloader ?

quelle surprise

[RandomMess]

Well tough, they either cough up and subsidise your dm living with you or take her in or help her move out - their choice.

In fact I'd be tempted to email all the siblings explain that you are desperately struggling financially and you can no longer afford the £xx that it is costing to subsidise your DM living with you. Don't ask them to solve the problem but ensure they have the facts put in front of them so when they criticise and trantum you can say "As I have explained, we can't afford to eat properly anymore let alone pay £xx per week for DM to live with us anymore"

Repeat ad nauseum.

Please do work it out, I bet it's more than you think!

[pictish]

To be fair to OP's siblings, it's entirely possible that they generally think that if OP is daft enough to put up with her, then it's her lookout. None of them are making OP live with mum, and OP can tell her to go if it doesn't suit.

The fact that they react with horror at the suggestion that they take her in instead says it all - none of them are obliged to, and neither is the OP...she has chosen to keep this going by refusing to put her foot down...hardly their fault!

If my perfectly able bodied and mentally sharp mum had been suckering off living with my brother for 10 years, and he suggested she move in with me instead, I'd be aghast!
Dyswim?

[dilemma73]

The tantrum is from my Dm as she probably knows that she wouldn't be able to treat them like a mug like she treats me. They all know i am struggling financially and they seem to think it is not there problem even though I am putting a roof over there mothers head.

[AnyFucker]

yup, if I had a freeloading relative I would be more than happy to keep my distance too

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

They seem to enjoy the nice bits, taking her out for coffee and visiting with flowers

That is a normal relationship. What you have isnt.

I am guessing that you have slowly fallen for something I am starting to recognise as 'Nana Logic':

• £50/week is in fact a generous donation to the household. She will be quite sure that she doesnt eat much/you would have the heating on anyway. According to Nana Logic this means that you should be grateful.
  
  
• She helps you with your DDs. You having her live with you is a help, didnt you know?
  
  
• 9.30pm is quite late enough for anyone. Your DDs are still the age they were when she moved in so really why havent you got them quietly to bed yet?
  
  IMO it is nigh on impossible to break Nana Logic. She knows these things to be true. Also she's your mother, she must be right.
  
  You cant win, start looking at smaller houses which are within your budget. Make it clear that you are looking for yourself and your DDs. When she starts getting wobbly lipped about where she is going to live then you will have to tell her that she contributes properly or find somewhere else to live.

[BeCool]

You are funding your DM's many fancy holidays. I'd be well fucked off too!

You need the cold hard facts a la RandomMess above, but it does sound like you want to move on without her? It's OK to do this.

[Wigsy]

You are not a bad person to be fed up. You are a patient and caring one to have made it this far. You can stop now.

In your place, I wouldn't suggest anything. I would simply announce you've done the maths and are moving somewhere smaller. You have more than done your bit. If she is only late 60s and in good health she's perfectly capable of sorting out a plan B. She is an adult: if she wants to be left wringing her hands on moving day in an empty house while the new tenants move in, she can, but I expect she'll have found somewhere else. If she has to choose between your other siblings, she will.

I would start looking for places you can afford. Just do it and let those around you decide if they're coming too or not. You do not deserve to feel bad about this: you have done your time. You are kind and lovely and accommodating and conscious of doing right by others; you have done right by them for far, far more than your fair share, and it's okay to stop now.

[pictish]

What's wrong with her getting her own place and being responsible for herself? Why do any of you have to put a roof over her head?
You have chosen to do so of your own free will. They didn't. Why should they pay for her, because of your decision?
As far as they will be concerned, she can move out and take care of herself!

You can't really make a bad decision about your mother by yourself, and then later hold them responsible for it can you?

There's no need for any of you to be paying for her, so if you choose to, then it's your problem.
Sorry - but it is.

[pictish]

What wigsy says by the bucketload!!
You don't need to do this any more.

[RandomMess]

Actually thinking through this all her having to sell quickly, has your Mum always been financially rubbish and relied on other people to bail her out?