What were your *red flag* moments

[louby44]

My exP was a very subtle bully and over the nearly 6 years I knew him these things now jump out...

it was very full on* very quickly, he would buy me presents, flowers and he'd moved in 8 months after we'd met (too soon now I know) but I was flattered

he had no* friends, I was never introduced to anyone - our social life consisted of family and my friends, he did rediscover some via FB afterwards but I have always found that odd

• he would moan if I didn't text him when I was out with friends

• he would moan that I didn't say 'I love you' to him all the time

he was obsessed with football, it was on all* the time, 2/3 matches every Sunday, on in the week at least 3 nights, if we had visitors he would ignore them because of the football

• he was obsessed with how things were done, tins turned round the correct way, quilt put on and shaken in a certain way

• he would have angry outbursts, throw his lap top down, shout, get annoyed with people who walked in front of him, drivers in cars - completely over the top behaviour, very bizarre

• he was horrible to my DC (and his own DD sometimes) negative, cruel, emotionally withdrawn. He was physically abusive to his own daughter last year! major shock to me!

• very jealous of my amicable relationship with my exH

• he would ignore me for days

I'm sure there were more.....these are the things I have to keep reminding myself about...

In fact looking back, I'd say he didn't teeter, at all. He was and probably still is a high-functioning alcoholic.

Gawd, don't know where to start - could put a book together on my last ex's red flag moments:

• no friends (surprise surprise)
• getting up in the middle of the night to check through my stuff
• going through the messages on my mobile
• going through the history on my PC
• pitching up out of the blue, unannounced at any given hour
• slagging off his ex in a very aggressive manner
• accusing me of having a conversation with an imaginary person on an imaginary mobile phone in my toilet...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, reading these red flags makes me shudder, but also reminds me of the red flags with an ex-twunt of mine:

• Started an argument with me 3 months into the relationship, on the night before an important job interview. Once he had me in tears, he had this cruel twisted grimace on his face, which on retrospect, he was probably thinking "I've got a live one here!"

• Had children from a first marriage who he was not permitted to see.

• Called his exes 'lunatics' and had no respect for his mother or his sister. Would allow me to meet his mother or the ex he had contact with either.

• Called his two young daughters 'lunatics' as well, until I called him on it.

• Lied about anything and everything - told me he had been married once when he had been married twice. I had to snoop to find out about the second marriage.

• Told me I was "the One" after 3 months. Also told me he hadn't had a girlfriend in several years. After we broke up, he was with someone else in 3 weeks.

• Emotionally abusive - would break up with me every 2-3 months to keep me on tenterhooks.

What an arse! Wish I had had mumsnet when I knew this loser! So glad to be shot of him.

This. In spades.

" Wish I had had mumsnet when I knew this loser! So glad to be shot of him. "

I would have been saved so much pain.

Wish I had had mumsnet when I knew this loser! So glad to be shot of him.

God how many times have I thought this! If I'd had MN in the early days, I would have got rid of him at the start, I'm sure.

When out with with friends, he would call me and insist on talking hours on end

Had a strange and scary obsession with himself, would speak about himself to an extent it looked like he was in a trance

Would criticise me with passion and when he complimented, he would actually ask me if I heard. This was so that when he criticised, he would remind me that he always tells me when for example I looked good

Refused to socialise with my friends, but would expect me to with his

At a particularly difficult time in my life, told me I was losing my mind. I was not, I just did not have the time to focus on him (at this point, I knew I had to leave)

Insisted I see a doctor because I went to the loo unusually frequent. I drink a lot of water so I expected this

Would tell me he is not abusive, and that women with a low self esteem are quick to accuse men of being abusive. He woke me up at 4am to tell me this and went he went back to sleep

Screamed at me because I had switched off the geyser(to save on electricity bill) even though it was at 27 degree celcius in summer and the water still warm

Was rubbish with money

He had absolutely no empathy

Told me he wished my car would overturn with me, because I had not changed tyres when he wanted me to

This lasted 6 months and one day I woke, went to work and texted him to leave as I need time to decide whether I wanted to continue or not, a week later he called and told that in a healthy relationship couples argue and when i told him that I felt suffocated and that his inability to control his anger was not normal he called a c--t, that was the last I spoke to him

No friends ... well he had about 3 at the start of the relationship, but pushed them away for silly reasons, and completely fell out with the 'best' one over nothing - weird.

We lived abroad the first year we were together, and after that when we came back to the UK, all he did was slag off everything about English people - their mannerisms, their ways of talking, etc.

Hated all his female colleagues ... that should have been an enormous red flag at the time, fucking hell, why didn't I realise?

No hobbies apart from buying CDs.

Now lives with his parents and has done ever since we split up. Don't think he can function without someone to look after him and he's fucking rude to them too.

No actual friends. It took a while for this to become apparent, as he would go and see people and play guitar and seem to enjoy himself. Then he admitted he only went because if he didn't he'd get aggro off his ex (and if he did she gave him free weed).

Complained about his ex ringing him all the time, knew it bothered me, but refused to tell her to sod off because, he said, he didn't want the aggro.

Actually, just his ex full stop. I've known her for years, she's a vicious, vindictive, manipulative hag. When he first showed an interest I thought, there's got to be something wrong with anyone who went out with her for fourteen years. I was not wrong.

I could never go to his flat, because by his own admission it was a revolting hovel. He showed no inclination to live in a clean, nice home. And it turned out he was, ahem, doing something illegal in his bedroom.

Didn't have a washing machine. Didn't go to a launderette. Took his clothes to a friend's house and she'd wash them for him.

Hadn't spoken to his mum in twenty years. Had seen his dad, and met his half sister, only once in that time. Thought that was normal.

He didn't turn out to be abusive, just a useless manchild. Should've run a mile, but I had zero self esteem and jumped at the chance to have someone love me.

These were red flags in retrospect, as I foolishly stayed for 12 years:

• pursued me relentlessly, told me he loved me from the get-go.

• called me names ("bitch")

• told me I was "over-sensitive" when I called him on it.

• put me down

• told me I had "no sense of humour" when I called him on it.

• spoke dismissively of others, a lot. Enjoyed feeling superior in any situation where he could manage it.

• punched walls and threw things in arguments.

• told me I was over-sensitive, again, when I called him on it and that this was just healthy "letting off steam"

• Threatened to hit me in arguments.

• was a parasite: I paid the rent and bills, he would live for free at friends' houses for weeks at a time when travelling for work, ...

I only left after he threatened to kill me. I was able to accept all that other stuff that came before.

From a number of doomed relationships and one marriage

• the ow turning up on the doorstep having been kicked out by her dh after he found out about her and my dp
• " my ex gf are all mad"
• drinking too much
• being rude to staff
• dh inviting the ow out to dinner with us as a friend and her complimenting me on house decor when to my knowledge she had never been to my house.
• me fainting and dh not caring I banged my head
• always fiddling with the phone.

And currently someone is being very charming and nice, but I'm not sure. There is something not right but I don't know what yet. Can't put my finger on it. Time will tell.

Sending me an email listing all my faults and how I need to improve a couple of months after I started seeing him. went over to finish it with him but he talked me out of it (he was constantly critical).

Had no contact with his four older kids unless they wanted money from him. Saw his two youngest kids but had no idea how to parent in even the smallest way. No idea.

Thought anything domestic was womans work, thought men were the head of the household, once said to me it's a womans job to be decorative!

Totally unsupportive. When I had to get police to talk to a man who was harrassing and frightening me, told me it was all in my head. Had a row with me on the way to aunts funeral because I asked him to turn music down in car and then didn't talk to me all day. Expected me to carry on cooking and cleaning from the day after I broke my wrist very badly.

No friends. At all.
Bitterly Jealous/critical of of people doing well
Over-critical of my friends - commented on what they wore and aspects of their behaviour as women he deemed 'unsuitable'

Turned every conversation around to himself - if I wasnt feeling well it would end up in a convo about him not feeling too good either
No sympathy for anyone feeling unwell
Would innocently ask my view on topical, political tv programmes - Id be fooled into thinking we'd have an interesting exchange of views - he on the other hand was spoiling for an argument if I didn't agree with his view
His ex gf/mother of his daughter was an abusive bitch who cheated on him. The one before that 'started going out staying out late and being argumentative, and was lazy'
His work colleagues didn't like him - couldnt put my finger on why as he was always very charming and personable, it was important to him to be liked. They must have sensed/seen that he was an irritating arsehole
Demanded 'housework perfection' and would kick off if everything wasnt up to his standard
We couldnt have a night out without it ending in a massive row as 'men were looking at me' and it was 'my fault for not moving away if I saw them looking'. Ridiculous, they probably weren't looking as such, he was just obsessed with staring at men to see if they glanced. We stopped going out as I couldnt be asked with the drama
No argument could end until he'd had the last word - even if I said agree to disagree, he couldn't - he would labour a point for hours, even returning to points days later
If he had a bad day at work - we had a bad evening at home
He could be sulky and moody for DAYS
Once told me off as Id made cheese on toast wrong

There are so many more, I can't be bothered to type them out. Our relationship was terrible - toxic, volatile, and loud - I wasnt 'cowed' by him but realised there was no point getting into anything with him as he is never, ever wrong. Everybody else was to blame for whatever went wrong in his life - me, his sister, his dad..he'd even argue with me about stuff that happened before I even knew him 'when you do/say this or that, you remind me of my ex who was a real bitch' He was always perfect and innocent.

Basically he was an egotistical woman hater who had 1 face indoors, and another - his 'charming' face - outdoors. I woke up one day & realised if I stayed with him I'd be isolated with him in his envious, bitter, misogynist tedious world. That thought frightened me so I got rid - with a lot of hassle though, he was enraged.

Pretty much everything MistressDeeCee said.

Plus having an absolute shitfit (and furious abuse for days) if I did anything in my spare time that involved leaving the house. Literally got completely raging because I went to a bookshop and had coffee with a friend. I was a selfish bitch because HE had wanted to go to that bookshop with me, it was one of his favourite places, and I had ruined it.

But when he had a day off all he wanted to do was watch TV. So I was in a Catch-22 situation- couldn't do anything with him on HIS days off as he didn't want to do anything, but got enraged when I did anything without him.

All his exes were obsessive b*tches but I was different.

Accused me of flirting with the barman when ordering drinks, one sentence - 'can I have.....please?' I obviously wanted to sleep with the barman with that carry on.

If I glanced at someone who happened to be male, I wanted to sleep with them.

Left me to find my way home in one of the roughest areas of his home city, where I'd never been before, in the middle of the night because I'd been 'flirting with his friends all night'. The friends he left me with while he went and did coke all night.

Dumped him the next day, I'm prob now the obsessive ex to some new young one.

His own brother said he could be sour for decades.

Of course at the time I thought that was an exaggeration, but...

Constant vicious arguments with his parents about which bedroom he and his younger brother had. Even in his 30s. He was a firstborn son you know and had Rights.

The way he put me on a pedestal (then later made a big deal about me not living up to his standard)

The way he always found excuses not to visit my parents, but insisted we spent all our holidays with his. Even in his 30s.

His paranoid ramblings.

The holes in walls and broken lightswitches I ended up repairing

The way he reminded me that he'd never promised he'd be easy to live with, after an outburst.

The way he lost his rag or talked of suicide and became needy when something big was happening in my own life outside of home, positive or negative. If it was a good thing, then I needed to look at him, instead and how much he needed me. If it was difficult, then what about poor him?

The way, when he realised he was losing me, he gave me a lecture on how much the world out there didn't want me.

I see I'm not alone wiht the sabotaging.

Others - became obsessed with me dressing up for sex. That was a complete turn off for me. Specially when he said "It's all for you". We had no sex for 5 years before I got away.

Wanted babies. As soon as I said I might be in a place to consider it, didn't want babies. I quickly came to my senses and that's when the sex stopped. It was about 6 months before I left that he started to lecture me on how bad it is for a woman's body not to bear children

And of course, one reason i didn't want to sleep with him is because he was "scared" of having baths so only had one once a week. He fucking reeked.

Also, in the end times, he'd frequently get so drunk that he'd puke and shit all over the one bathroom and not clean it up. That was my fault, of course

I was in a relationship for two years with a man who all my friends thought was wonderful - they were wrong - the red flags were waving!

1. he too had no friends, despite having worked all over the world.
2. he had no money - despite having a very senior job and a six figure salary - he seemed to have no money.
3. I never met any of his family.
4. He told me he had taken leave from work to do some decorating for his mother and I thought that was lovely, caring etc etc. Later on, he found himself in a position where he had to tell me that he had actually gone to Spain for a fortnight with his brother and sister in law and his WIFE!
5. He told me that he had left his wife some years before, but hadn't told her he was leaving her! He told her he was going to Oz to look for work. He picked up a former colleague on the way, went to stay with friends of his wife in Oz and put this woman in a motel in the same town. This arrangement lasted until said woman got cheesed off and baled out. He seemed to think this was a very resourceful thing to do.
6. He told me that he had been posted to a job in New Zealand and I never heard any more from him. I then bumped into his boss who knew I knew him, but didn't know we were planning to marry when his divorce came through and his boss told me that XP had badgered him for years (basically as long as he had been with me) for a secondment to NZ and that he and HIS WIFE were having a lovely time out there!

It turned out that he had been married all along and the reason he had no money was that he was running two homes at the other end of the country and supporting his wife, an adult daughter and his mother in law.

He was always different in bed when he came back from seeing the daughter, or possibly THE WIFE, so I'm sure he was still sleeping with her, or somebody else throughout.

Insisting on talking about "things that bothered him" late at night when I was already asleep or first thing in the morning eg 5am.

Not paying for anything that wasn't 50/50, combined with bragging about his assets to anyone who would listen (eg my bike cost £3000, I have an amazing house etc etc).

Showing people around his house, including his bedroom, which I was asleep in, naked.

Making approving comments when I knew something about anything (shut up, I'm not stupid).

Telling me I couldn't possibly run a marathon because I wasn't thin enough.

Oh do fuck off you twunt. I fucking ran three marathons, thank you. In very decent time.

I won't tell all (because at least once a week, I remember another one and the "relationship" has been over for two years).
These didn't happen in the order that I've put them*
The only time he complimented his assertive, eldest daughter was when it made him look good. I.E, "she's intelligent".

2. This was in total contrast to him talking about said daughter as if she was an ex girlfriend who treated him badly.

3)He ignored his youngest daughter for four days in a row when she told him "Good Evening". No reason is "good" for the silent treatment, but I realised that something was more than amiss when I was trying to work out what was up. I lost my cool and in the most fishwifey way "Am I losing my fucking mind, or are you ignoring your daughter despite how infantilised she makes her voice each time she acknowledges your presence?" (or words to that effect and not my proudest moment).

4. He didn't explain Why he treated her this way.

5. Was not enthusiastic about spending money on his kids. So I did.
   6)Said he didn't want any more kids because "his seed is bad".
   7)Would make a big show of always reading a bit of the bible before setting off to work in the morning. I didn't see which kind of "enlightenment" he got from it apart from trying to make me look like some heathen for not being a "bible show off"

6. He TOLD me that now I'm with him I feel wanted. I'd never had any conversation with him pertaining to any insecurity (presumed or otherwise) with him. And he never asked, he TOLD me how I felt.

7. In the interest of "clarity" and what with him "suffering" with the break up of his last relationship because the ex turned out to be 'crazy", he wanted full declaration of my "quirks". I did say that we could be here all day and that everybody has a past. When I was ready to declare what I am most vulnerable about (about two months later), the fucker wasn't ready to listen!
   10)Lots of phone numbers, not a lot of friends.

8. Talked about his mates. He'd do the same as them, but always came up " superior" in his tale telling.
   12)Faux intelligence.

9. talked to you as if you are the only person in the room.

10. Asked me to attend his daughter's Parent's evening, without him.
    15)Withdrew affection (I was glad as I was "rumbling" him)

11. Relatives of his that I had only previously engaged with via FaceBook, suddenly communicated via phone ( I "knew" then that wagons were circling).

The upshot is my ex turned out to be an abuser of his two daughters. The woman he is with now has been "dangling" from when he got off the plane when he arrived in this country. He cannot go "back home" , because vigilanteism is a real thing. His rendered his ex wife very vulnerable due to the fuckery he no doubt kept up with her. Three people have come to me and told me that he is a pimp to his partner, insofar that she "voluntarily" does "favours" for other men, because JSA and child Tax credit is too little to support an adult, a child and a grown assed unemployed man.
Last week I received a letter from debt collectors for this man......for a debt he incurred at a place he lived at before mine!

MistressDeeCee. Yes , my ex used to do that "back in time" stuff pertaining to exes that he had when he was a teenager (we are in our forties) just to find some negative comparison with me that would justify his "I'm suffering in this bad, bad world" persona. Fool!

1.No friends.
2.being sacked from several jobs. Always someone else's fault obviously.
3.jealous that i earned more, but quite happy to spend my money.
4.Had no car (too expensive to run a car), but quite happy to drive mine.
5.Never had a problem finding money for drink.
6.visited me for bare minimum of time when I was in hospital after having our children. And came in unshaven and smelling of drink.
7.persuaded me to give up my career as it was affecting our relationship (In other words I enjoyed it) . Fool I am.
8.took no active part in family life. Happy to let me do everything.

Ahhh I forgot about my exH losing 2 jobs whilst with me too. He is on his 5th job in the 6 years I knew him.

I wonder why......

Everything was his mothers fault.
Everything.
His failure at school, the fact he had no friends, everything.
I was 18 and he was my first bf.
:(

Before we got married:

The jealousy.
That my mother didn't like him. Of course I didn't pay attention to it. She was just a snob...
The stupid car he bought.
That we stopped going out to clubs because of the time I was looking too much at a guy (who was showing off dancing and we were sitting out doing nothing and he didn't want to dance).
Being the silent type and not being able to read him very well.

And... the time he went for my throat after I slapped him in righteous anger over something insulting he said during a mental torture session of jealousy.
I really should have ended it that time. It took him about 10 years to actually become physical again. But he did, twice in a month, and I left.