What were your *red flag* moments

[louby44]

My exP was a very subtle bully and over the nearly 6 years I knew him these things now jump out...

it was very full on* very quickly, he would buy me presents, flowers and he'd moved in 8 months after we'd met (too soon now I know) but I was flattered

he had no* friends, I was never introduced to anyone - our social life consisted of family and my friends, he did rediscover some via FB afterwards but I have always found that odd

• he would moan if I didn't text him when I was out with friends

• he would moan that I didn't say 'I love you' to him all the time

he was obsessed with football, it was on all* the time, 2/3 matches every Sunday, on in the week at least 3 nights, if we had visitors he would ignore them because of the football

• he was obsessed with how things were done, tins turned round the correct way, quilt put on and shaken in a certain way

• he would have angry outbursts, throw his lap top down, shout, get annoyed with people who walked in front of him, drivers in cars - completely over the top behaviour, very bizarre

• he was horrible to my DC (and his own DD sometimes) negative, cruel, emotionally withdrawn. He was physically abusive to his own daughter last year! major shock to me!

• very jealous of my amicable relationship with my exH

• he would ignore me for days

I'm sure there were more.....these are the things I have to keep reminding myself about...

Wasn't his, *

Realising that suicide was becoming an increasingly attractive exit route from the relationship.

so this guy:
*Told me he loved me as soon as he met me (I thought it was a joke)
*Asked me to move in after 3 weeks.
*Posted his keys to his house to my office after a week.
*Bought me a brand new bmw "because you deserve it" (I didn't accept it but now I wish I did.. free car ha!)
*Used to text me and if I didn't reply within 10 seconds "You don't give a shit about me at all, no one does. I might as well be dead."
*Used to put money in my account without telling me until I told him to stop (I returned it every time) "I want to take care of you"
*Obsessed with my DH (he was an ex at the time)
*Threatened to kill himself to get his own way almost all the time.
*Used to buy me clothes that he'd be "happy to let people see me in" (My lucky sister)

"So Nickysmam, why the fuck did you stay with him?"

This is where shit gets creepy...He was a friend to me. No sex, not even a kiss was shared but he had it in his mind that I was the one and told everyone we were together. He tried to take his life several times and harassed me to no end. He's now dead from committing suicide after his ex dumped him.

NickysMam - that's so tragic

Hope you're okay?

My ex wasn't abusive, just a bit douchey and a cheat.
I should have taken note when

-I found out he'd cheated on every single girlfriend he'd had
-he talked about girls fancying him, following him, calling him a lot, etc, but never told them to fuck off
-hated all my friends
-resented me being independent

• said, very very early on, that he would only ever be with a woman that was educated with a good job
• argued with a man who was chatting me up (on the night we met, actually) about whose degree was better

-fell asleep in my parents bathroom naked blocking the door -he was devoted to his phone. For the entire relationship. -he told me, openly, how much he hated my best friend -his best friend was a disgusting cheat -I had to physically push him off me whilst he was drunk and tried to have sex with me after I said no several times. Followed by no attempt at an apology

• he never apologised for anything I called him out on. He basically just kept schtum.

I mean I'm sure there are more but any one of those should have made me incredibly skeptical. Or leave.

All their Facebook photos show them in pubs and bars, drinking.
Their friends are two decades younger than they are (no peers).
They have a sob story; everyone has let them down, it's not their fault (victim outlook).
They never have any money but always dress well & drive a nice car.
Friends and family dont bother to visit them.
They have nothing good to say about ex partners and family.

Hmm..trying to think..biggest red flag I should have sussed was that ALL his ex's (and there were many) were bitches who'd treat him badly and all his past relationships were very short term. Idiot romantic here just thought he'd never found the right girl and set out to be 'the exception'. Oh, dear, that sounds pathetic!
Thinking back I never remember him mentioning him breaking up with them, either, it was always them breaking up with him. I was his longest relationship at almost six years..guess I hung in there longer than the rest..but then we have DC so I felt I had to at least try to keep it together for them.

As for the not having any friends thing, I'm not sure how relevant that is because he has LOADS (all female aside from one) whereas I have very few and I'm sickeningly 'normal' lol

Flowers after the first date. Actually, flowers in any circumstances. I give flowers to female friends and relatives but I am now allergic to men giving them. Unless they're gardeners.

Some really big angry outbursts, one particularly horrible one out on a street in Central London after I failed to come straight to him after coming offstage at a performance (there were literally hoards of friends there too, many I had not seen for quite some time and I was busy saying hello to people who had travelled to see the performance).

When he sat my friends down and bawled them out for 'letting me walk home on my own' after a party. Despite the fact that another of my friends also went home alone.

When he convinced him self I had snogged a mutual friend at a party. And that said friend had taken advantage of me in full view of other friends. Never happened. But he couldn't get passed it.

Complained that all his exes had been 'crazy' in one way or another.

Stopped seeing his friends as soon as we got together. Said he didn't want to stop me socialising with my friends. But it became quite tricky once he was seeing nobody outside our relationship.

Had a deep 'mistrust' of the intentions of all men, which was a bit suffocating. And led to him being quite controlling about me coming home at night all through the relationship. He always 'waited up' but not in a nice way and rarely wanted to know if I had had a nice time, only if I had got home without being attacked.

Had an actual automatic hatred for my ex boyfriends.their names could not be mentioned. One long ago boyfriend became a family friend and to this day he sends me a birthday card. They were always scowled at.

Cripes - so many!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything that went wrong in his life was someone else's fault. Or because people looked down on him for being a Catholic, working class Scot. No, they look down on you because you're a nasty piece of shit.

Ahem. Still a bit angry.

Yup..told me all his exes were 'crazy'..I just thought poor guy, being treated so badly..never once occured to me he might have made them that way! And now I'll be the 'crazy ex' to his next partner I suppose..who like me won't attempt to find out for themselves and just take his very convincing word for it. Eurgh.

Came on strong straight away initially I was very flattered. He apeared so charming.
Always expected a response to calls immediately, any delay was evidence I was up to no good.
Couldnt hold his drink, didnt know when to stop and ws a mardy drunk.
Wanted kids early on. Wasnt interested when they arrived. It was all about keeping me barefoot and pregnant. His actual words.
Terrible road rage.
No friends, tried to isolate me from family and friends
Caused major arguments if I was having a night out. Would criticise what I wore, who I was going out with and cause arguments when I came home so socialising became a pita because of the fallout
Told me ex had left him for his best friend and he wasnt sure his ds was actually his. Infact he had left her in a strange city 4 months pregnant to go off with someone else. Without actually telling her ( found that out after divorce).
Strange relationship with his mother. He was her little prince and could do no wrong.

He caught me after the breakup of a long term relationship. He must have smelled the vulnerability.

Yep, he had no friends outside of work. The two workmates he did socialise with both behaved pretty badly towards their wives. Oh, and another 'friend' was actually his dealer.

He would be pleasant towards people who could do him a favour but then be incredibly rude about them behind their backs. His ex-wife was a psycho (she wasn't) and his other two girlfriends had both turned out to be gay and he found this particularly infuriating.

Three weeks after we got together he shouted at me for the most inconsequential thing. I should have packed up and run like the wind but I didn't, I thought it was my fault and so I tried to make it all better.

He later tried to sabotage my degree by giving me the silent treatment the weekend before my finals because I'd said I needed to revise (rather than help him with something he was doing). I got a distinction.

He was a terrifying, horribly aggressive driver and once nearly ran a pair of cyclists off the road. So much anger, and it was always someone else's fault. He never took responsibility for anything in all the time I knew him.

He has a new girlfriend now and I hope beyond hope that he treats her better than he did me. He is an arsehole of the highest order and I hate him.

I have a friend who is in a new relationship with a man who (going on what she's said) is already showing many red flags. I am worried for her but I think she already has an inkling that maybe he's not very pleasant.

YY to sabotaging. The first few times you think it's an accident or a coincidence. It's too hard to realise it's deliberate.

Left me for five months when i told him i was pregnant, came back because his DM told him to, went on lads holiday when DD was six weeks old, said my best friend "had a body to die for" when i was heavily pregnant, wouldn't take a day off work so i could sit with my dying Mum, hates his Mum, no close friends just drinking buddys, had the most negative outlook on life. and when he had a one night stand said it was my fault.......i got out after this and ran for the hills (although i did post on here that i missed him arghhhh) !!!!!!

Oh yes, he wouldn't hear anything of my past relationships. Quite happy to talk about his, but mine were Not For Discussion.

Oh God yes, road rage. Instant dealbreaker to me now.

oh so many

hated my best friend - jealous
road rage
never taking responsibility
sob stories - always the victim
no money - ever
wanted to have children - just to see if he could

sigh

My exH. I should have realised, but I didn't for a number of reasons. I thought he'd eventually realise; that I'd eventually be able to explain myself well enough... I didn't get it at the time that he knew what he was doing all along.

1. Wouldn't introduce me to his friends. He was the first of his friends to have a proper gf (aged 26), but because I didn't look like one of the actresses he and his friends talked about, he was ashamed of me. By the time his friends also got gfs that didn't look like film stars either, he was happy for me to meet them.

2. Wouldn't have sex. Would 'see to' me, but I wasn't allowed to touch him and full sex was distant and cold. He said I was better than to have a man 'do that to' me. He resented me when we had sex because it was my 'fault'. He said I should be pleased he was so considerate and that most women would want someone like him, but it just made me feel dirty and I realised it was just another way of controlling me.

3. Nothing I said was right. Every time I tried starting a conversation about something 'grown up' (e.g. finances/bills) he would criticise me for the words I'd used. There was a script in his head and if I failed to follow it, he'd punish me for it by going over and over it. He avoided every serious conversation ever with "If you want to talk to me about X you should say..." or "I'd have been happy to talk about it if you'd started the conversation with ..." Only I never got it right.

4. Made me promise not to go to certain parts of town that he deemed 'unsuitable' for me once I'd had a child. I owed it to my son to protect myself for him. I knew it was ridiculous, but at the same time, I didn't want to ever be in a position where I had to tell him I'd been mugged/attacked because it would have been my fault for being where I shouldn't have been in the first place. He was only looking out for me, after all...

5. Did the thing where in the early days he 'dumped' me every few days/couple of weeks and would just walk away and not answer my calls or contact me for days. Then he'd get in touch and say he realised he couldn't do that to me, not in the state I was in (very vulnerable and depressed at the time) and he'd come back. I didn't really seem to have any say in the matter.

And so many more...

I wasn't happy from a couple of months in, but stuck with it because I'd already had one failed LTR, was scared of being on my own, was afraid of losing him as a friend (he'd been my friend for years and the only person I knew/saw at the time, and I didn't want to give my mother the satisfaction of being right that no one would ever love me. So I stuck with it, even though I knew he didn't, for 13 years! Idiot.

Thinking about another thread... I've never really thought it was my fault that he was the way he was, but actually, I did believe it was my responsibility to explain myself, to communicate better, to be more attractive, to bolster his ego...

I was very vulnerable when we got together, but I am also a very strong person. It was an odd combination. He liked my vulnerability, but resented my strength. He saw it as a challenge to his authority.

Seems to be many common 'red flags' in this thread.

For me, the red flags were/are:
He hates his mother (and whole family but especially his mother). He has not seen them for over 20 years!

He is obsessed with sport/football. Would watch it 24 hours a day, easily.

He has a very short temper and yes, road rage.

Very few friends. Does not like socialising but wants me to be home with him constantly.

Isolating me from my family and friends.

Negative about practically everything...

He's never wrong.

He liked my vulnerability, but resented my strength.

Ding ding ding!

You're right, wunda. But my exH didn't have many of these Red Flags, which I think is why I didn't pick up on it. He was actually very supportive of me going out with my own friends and didn't try isolating me (to my knowledge). He was always very friendly with my friends and they liked him. I did cut contact with my mother whilst I was with him, but he was very supportive through the whole thing - I really couldn't have done it without him, but he never made me feel like I should do it.

On reflection though, I think he liked to be my rescuer so whenever he felt that he was supporting me or enabling me to be a better person, he was really good. The problems arose when I had my own ideas. He saw my strength and thinking for myself as a challenge to his authority.

But he never made my friends or family feel unwelcome. They all really liked him. He is very close to his family.

Yup yup, I never noticed them at the time either

Relationship was full on very quickly - we literally had a conversation where he said "Is this a serious relationship or not, because if we're going to break up in 2 months then what's the point?" I said I didn't know because we'd been going out less than 24 hours. He pushed me to choose so I said OK then, it's serious. Dohh! Should have run a mile!

Was really cagey/touchy about me seeing any of my friends, especially male friends.

He had had huge fallings-out with loads of his friends for various reasons usually related to women-as-property - I CANNOT BELIEVE I did not see this as a warning sign :(

Every single one of his exes, apparently, cheated on him. (I later realised this probably wasn't actually true, and rather than his crushing insecurity being caused by the multiple cheatings, the cheating was a figment of his crushing insecurity.)

Had a really addictive personality - teetered on the edge of alcoholism for years, claimed that he couldn't smoke because when he used to smoke he was on 40 a day and coughing up blood, so he had to go cold turkey. Everything was extreme - one way or another. Black or white. No in between.

Said vile things about his exes like "I only went out with her because she was a virgin" and also of the first night we spent together "I'd never sleep with a girl the first night I meet her just in case she accused me of rape". Told anecdotes like the time he helped his boss install a hidden camera in his bedroom for the purpose of recording sex with women he brought back without their consent :(

Liked racist/sexist/homophobic jokes. Later in the relationship, he was an utter shit to his "best friend" who is gay, always taking the piss and then saying "Oh it's just a joke mate, don't be stupid"