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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think it's over

56 replies

monkeytrousers · 12/08/2006 21:59

What a surprise eh? It's never recovered since the 2/1 fiasco. We've been in our new house 3 weeks and he's been in the attic room for the last week.

I pushed it, wanted to get all the crap out, see if there was anything left under it and thinking it would leave room for something new to emerge between us but the opposite has happened.

We'll be staying in the house with DS for up to a year, sleeping seperatly, but keeping the split to ourselves. He's ging to try and make enough money to set himself up somewhere during this time.

OP posts:

Sobernow · 12/08/2006 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonstartree · 12/08/2006 22:07

Im sorry to hear that. What happened 2/1 ?

Im sure it will be hard living together but apart for a year...................?

Blu · 12/08/2006 22:20

MT, this sounds really really sad.

I'm so sorry - I have missed lots of things here. I did see the thread where he was very perterbed about your degree results - but to end a relationship??

Were there problems before?

hoxtonchick · 12/08/2006 22:21

sorry it's come to this mt. how do you feel about it?

expatinscotland · 12/08/2006 22:23

Aw, MT, I'm really, really sorry to hear this.

Sorry it's come to this.

I hope you find some peace.

You have a LOT to be proud of, you know.

Original poster

monkeytrousers · 12/08/2006 22:27

We have never known how to argue constructivly. Wounds never healed, only festered is the short answer, Blu. Never kept tabs on the good, only the bad. I always dissappointed him.

Sobernow, lemonstartree, the 2/1 thread is here

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 12/08/2006 22:29

'I always dissappointed him.'

Damn, MT, just from your posts on here, that's really saddening and painful to read that he feels that about you.

Hope you can find a way to build a happier life for yourself and your son.

Original poster

monkeytrousers · 12/08/2006 22:30

Thanks Expat.

I'm broken hearted Hoxtonchick, but there's nothing that can be done

OP posts:

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 12/08/2006 22:31

Am really sorry to hear this

You have my email addy if you need it xxx

hoxtonchick · 12/08/2006 22:32

expatinscotland · 12/08/2006 22:33

From those of us who have been through the breakup of a marriage, (((HUGS))).

Blu · 12/08/2006 22:34

The 2/1 issue was certainly an example of not seeing the good.

Is he a bit obsessive? Projecting his own stuf oin to you?

MT, is this in any way a mutual decision to split? Or have you been cast aside.

It's so sad and cruel.

I really am sorry.

You always sound like the kind of woman who would be a brilliant partner - inteligent, passionate, compassionate, focussed, warm - a lovely person.

Blu · 12/08/2006 22:35

Sorry - I x-posted with your telling us you are broken-hearted.

Your heart is one that should be treasured, not smashed.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 22:38

How terribly sad MT

Dont know what to say. He sounds like a bit of a prick judging by your other thread.

saadia · 12/08/2006 22:42

Really sorry to hear that mt, it is very sad but sounds like it might be better for you.

Original poster

monkeytrousers · 12/08/2006 22:45

He's a good man Blu, I've pushed us to this basically. I couldn't forgive him for his reaction to the 2/1, that he only focused on a thearetical loss instead of rallying and getting on with it. I couldn't let him turn such an event into a shameful episode to be regretted forever more, even if I was dissapointed myself.

I felt us slipping away and pushed to..I dunno, I just wanted to see if there was any emotion left in him...bad timing of course having just moved and with all the new finanial burdens, but I still pushed..I didn't want our first weeks in the new house to be under an oppressive cloud. I thought I could lance it like a boil and the pressure would cease. But I made him so angry that for a moment he was afraid he was going to loose control and he say's he can't come back from that, that he can't be with someone who has the capacity to make him so angry. I wanted passion..just not that kind..

OP posts:

Original poster

monkeytrousers · 12/08/2006 22:49

I'm off to bed. Thanks for your posts

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 22:49

Wow, he really knows how to make you feel bad about yourself doesnt he?

MT, i think its fair to suggest that it is at least equally his responsibility. Particularly if the only emotion he can give you is disappointment and anger.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 12/08/2006 22:51

I've pushed us to this basically.

no - you haven't - it's down to you - just read the 2/1 thread and it's a bloody disgrace. I know you're upset, heartbroken as you say, but I'm sorry a man that calls(ed) himself your husband should have been over the moon for you that you'd got a degree in the first place! Not being upset that you may not get the studentship, or a decent job.

Good grief my DH is excited for me that I've started a poxy little NVQ Level 2 in Care!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 22:57

Not poxy QOQ! First step on a ladder.

Blu · 12/08/2006 23:13

MT - you were very right not to allow your degree result to be source of shame - you did well, you did very well indeed, disappointment is not failure.
I am so sorry your protection of yourself against that has led to this. You had no way to win.
I am sure he IS a good man. But at the moment he isn't being a very fair one, or a very grown-up one.
Be proud of yourself, MT.

He may see you through the light of a different window when things settle a little - and vice versa.

Sobernow · 12/08/2006 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 12/08/2006 23:28

yes I know - but in comparison to a degree it is poxy.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/08/2006 23:30

Gosh - do you have to argue with everything....

Olihan · 12/08/2006 23:49

I've been umming and ahhing for hours over whether I should post this and I'm still not sure it's completely the right thing to do but I've read this thread and the other thread about the 2.1 and well, here goes.

From what you have said on these 2 posts (and I realise it's only a fraction of the story) your dp is the worst kind of controlling, manipulative man and you will hopefully come to realise that you have had a lucky escape.

From an outsider's POV, he appears to be gradually pushing you into seeing yourself as a bad person - .."you had the opportunity, the time, the talent to get a first more than anyone else on the course but you didn't have the discipline. You may as well have done it when you were 21. You can never go back and change that result now.." I'm sorry, you've gone from no academic qualifications to getting a 2:1 degree with a baby around and it's not good enough for him. That's despicable behaviour on his part.

To me, it's coming across as the beginnings of domestic abuse. He's undermining what you've done, he's telling you you're not good enough, everything is your fault and there is a part of you that's accepting it. 'I made him so angry that for a moment he was afraid he was going to loose control and he say's he can't come back from that, that he can't be with someone who has the capacity to make him so angry'. This isn't your fault AT ALL. He's totally let you down whichever way you look at it, he's unsupportive, negates a fantastic achievement you've made, so where will it stop? What happens if the next time you have a row he does lose control? Will it be your fault he's hit you, you drove him to it?

'I couldn't forgive him for his reaction to the 2/1, that he only focused on a thearetical loss instead of rallying and getting on with it. I couldn't let him turn such an event into a shameful episode to be regretted forever more, even if I was dissapointed myself.' If it wasn't for everyone on mumsnet, how would you be feeling about your degree? Would you be so determined not to let him belittle an amazing achievement if you hadn't had so many people supporting you? You are absolutely right not to forgive him, it is unforgiveable.

I'm sorry if this is all way out of order, but I'm just saying what is coming across to me. I think you will be far better off without him and the sooner you can get away with some of your self esteem and self confidence intact the better.

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