Think it's over

[monkeytrousers]

What a surprise eh? It's never recovered since the 2/1 fiasco. We've been in our new house 3 weeks and he's been in the attic room for the last week.

I pushed it, wanted to get all the crap out, see if there was anything left under it and thinking it would leave room for something new to emerge between us but the opposite has happened.

We'll be staying in the house with DS for up to a year, sleeping seperatly, but keeping the split to ourselves. He's ging to try and make enough money to set himself up somewhere during this time.

Spot on, sobernow and VVV.

Hope you find MN a source of comfort and support, MT, b/c you deserve that - now and later.

Getting your degree is a life-changing event and a huge accomplishment. It seems incomprehensilbe that there can be continuing disappointment surrounding such an achievement.

My dad finished both his degrees at night university, on top of having a full time job and kids (well, my sister for the undergrad and me as well for the last semester of his master's).

He got the equivalent of a 2:2 for his undergrad in petroleum engineering.

But damn, my mum was SO proud of him!

And you know what? He had an amazingly successful career he found rewarding.

do you think a 2:1 is good?

becuae if you dont i will feel personally insulted. i got a 2:2 with 3 kids under 5 and i am very very proud of myself.

if you do - then you realise that your dh is an arse. - which i think you have. he ounds like a jealous self obsessed twat.

good man? he's a good man? than undermines your very hard owrk, your achievements, your self worth, your confidence.

arse
arse
arse

its the daftest thing i ever heard of in my life

have you thought abou it as if you were trisha interviewing yourself?

"so your marriage failed after your husband thought you could get a better degree reult"
"errr yes"

errr no! the man is either tapped in the head - i mean seriously mental health team stuff

is projecting something else onto you
like
he feels inferior
immasculated
undermined
has no voice
opinion not heard
failing at work
jealousy of you

something else

i just cant get my head round it

my husband is going to get a company car. hes not even passed his pissin test yet
its not fair
i have had over 14 years of dring round in buckets of tin

do i feel jealous
fuck yes i do
do i resent him
no.

i mean
NO - were married i love him - i want him to be happy

i cant equate the 2:1 thing with divorce its just crazy

Bloody hell monkeytrousers - don't feel bad. You deserve better.

sorry to hear this, mt. But I must say, I think olihan's got a point. Even before I read her post, your dx was beginning to remind me of my own dear ex. They are just so good at turning everything so that its your fault, arent they?

Congratulations on your 2:1 by the way. And with children too - thats a fantastic result.

As a mother who's own h is undermining her self-confidence, affair, never made him happy, all my fault etc etc You too deserve so much better. A 2:1 is a superb result hold your head high and be very very proud of your achievement. I got a 3rd Class and I am still proud of what I achieved in a double major in History/English. As for pushing to clear the air I did that just about 10 days ago to discover he'd never finished the affair until five days previous. You need your happiness and self-confidence back. Be strong. Good luck with pursuing your dream. I'm doing the same here.

i think olihan has said it very well. well done for your degree, and well done for getting out of this. so sorry that it's had to happen though.

Thanks for your posts. I'm trying to sort my thoughts. Tried to post but it just went on and on..

Well if it helps to get it all out MT, do it.

The truth is he is such a paradox. He isn't an under achiever (although he feels that for his age he should be much further ahead now) he has carved out a niche for himself where he is probably one of the top specialists in his field, although the field is still highly under represented as it involves work with the disabled community. It's all about advocacy and participation, about enabling underrepresented communities to make their voices heard, then he comes home and won't talk to me.

He's very political, I think the undermining was always a part if that. Before the degree it was my looks that were the main target(and not to be arrogant but I'm still reasonably attractive). Not relentless, just pointed reminders that I was getting older and wasn't what I once was. Just a week ago I discovered he did this to his previous girlfriend and to be honest that was a bit of a watershed moment for me. I always trusted him, his motives, we were honest, sometimes brutally so but I always believed that honesty was one of the foundarions of our relationship; I didn't want to live in a fools paradise. To find out it was just a trait that he was repeating revealed it for what it was. Just a way to manipulate my feelings, to subordinate them and me.

He said recently a relationship is something you have and once you have it you forget it's there, it sorts itself out. I was being a bit needy, I was bored just finished uni and looking for a job. I wanted us to do something. We had no interior life, were becoming emotionally estranged. He wanted to do more work.

Was it Germaine Greer that said that she would have loved to have had more relationships with men but she hated becoming too damn needy in them?

Needy?

You're needy b/c you would like a man who shows you love, affection and respect?

Um, no, that's being bloody human NOT needy!

Think you're alone? Far from it.

This is from a friend of mine who gave me permission to post this along:

'my husband has been no emotional or moral support to me. if i have a difficult time with my son, i get lectured. told im doing it wrong. or he says nothing at all. i get bullied in my own home by him when hes around. whateveri do he seems to pick on. its never right. his way is always right, my way is wrong. he provokes me, then when i get mad and lose it, due to stress and exhaustion, he accuses me of being insane, tells me i need help. i recognise an abusive pattern, and this is one. when your partner provokes you by being a jerk, then you react, then he tells you you have the problem, something is wrong. any issue i have, its never his fault. its always implied its my own problem. any relationship problem we have, again, my fault.'

Incidentally, he, too, treated his previous long-term girlfriend the same way.

MT, I've been thinking about you all night, wondering if I should have posted what I did. This morning I've reread the threads and now every part of me is screaming 'GET OUT, GET OUT'. He is not a nice man and the more you say about him the worse he sounds. He obviously is the kind of man who feels he has failed in his own life and doesn't want to see you make any kind of success out of yours. 'He feels that for his age he should be much further ahead now'. So, what does he do? Undermines you, belittles you, makes everything your fault, and takes no responsibilty for his own behaviour and actions.

Please, MT, take your ds and leave, don't stay in the house for a year with him. Take what dignity and self respect you have and go. If he's done this to previous girlfriends he is not going to change and you will be exposing yourself to even more of his twisted behaviour by staying in the house with him.

You sound as though you are still reasonably strong and can see some of what he is doing but he will gradually chip away at you with other 'pointed reminders'. His honesty was 'just a way to manipulate my feelings, to subordinate them and me', you are so right and that's why I think you need to get out of this relationship while you can still see what he is doing to you.

I wondered if he was just having a 'moment' over your degree because he had made you his prodigy, and come to feel he was right in there too. My Dad used to be like this when I was a teenager and doing competitive athletics at a high level. If i lost (aka came 2nd!) he would take it on himself as if it was him, and feel failure vicariously that I didn't feel.

But as you have said more, your DH does seem to have quite a deep-rooted pattern of this sort of thing.

You are perceptive and politically minded - it does sound as if this is a lot about the way he is, rather than anything you have done.

just read through most of thread, though not the 2.1, but am assuming that ishistorical now..so in agreement with what has been said - also it is tricky when on the inside looking out??

1st - brilliantly well done on your 2.1 - have EVERY reason to be v. proud of yourself.
2nd - you didn't make him angry AT ALL! - he made himself angry - he is responsible for that, and, if it wasn't the class of degree you acheived (What the f*ck???!!), it would be something else sooner rather than later...

I have been HUGHLY angry with ex-p's - real white hot anger - but it doesn't stop the feelings of love. It's called loving someone.

to be bluntly honest, to get a degree with a baby, is amazing. to get a good 2/1 is bloody excellent and i simply can't believe someone who gets angry with a result like that - and it's not even his result!!!! i agree - this guy is slowly trying to undermine you. and wtf - you don't look like you used to??? what's that all about?

your partner should be someone who you can rely on, trust completely and will give you support whenever you need it. i don't think your dh gives you any support.

my xp that i lived with for 5 years never used to compliment me / say anything nice and when i asked him to he said he just didn't believe in it. so for 5 years i put up with it, never getting a boost from him, my self esteem slowly dwindling away. it's not worth it.

I've decided just to get on with it. If he is determined to be so petty, I'm not going to reward that behaviour by responding to it, or being upset by it. It is simply ridiculous.

I'm not going to move out though. He isn't violent and I'm not going to put up with any sly insults anymore. I won't even ask him to edit my stuff, which he used to do ruthlessly, but I was always glad for that actually..it just seaped into our personal relationship, which is just wrong.

I have my terms and this lady is not for turning!

Now who will join me in a dram?

We might even become good friends again..forgot to add that, sorry

Thanks girls. What would we do without Mumsnet, eh?

Mumsnet, you probably save a life (in some way anyway) every day. Long live Mumsnet!

Am sipping a lovely fruit wine here, MT!

Rise above!

Onwards and upwards.

It's whisky, Fio. The water of life!

Who knows Fio, but like I said, I miss him but I have my terms, which only include him embracing humility once in a while.

I copped out of the xmas meet up last year, I so wish I could afford it this year. This is such a lifeline, and I'd love to meet you all in the wicked flesh.

You having one with me Exapt in SCOTLAND?

Where are you in scotland actually? We're probably quite near each other....(scared you now, haven't I?

I'm pretty hard to scare.

I'm in Edinburgh. In the Shore area.