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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The last thing I ever expected.....

41 replies

Rosie765 · 08/03/2014 02:44

At 11pm last night my world fell apart. My husband had already gone to bed & when I went up shortly afterwards his phone was still alight next to his pillow. I went to turn it off & saw he was using 'What's app'. There was a girls name on there I didn't know so starting reading the messages which has basically broken my heart & he has been having an 'online' affair. I woke him up & told him to pack his bags but he says he won't go. I said I would leave in the morning with the kids. My question is what do I do? Do I just pack up & take the kids to somewhere we can stay? I'm so confused. I never saw this coming! Sad

OP posts:
fuzerelli · 08/03/2014 02:53

holding your hand. sorry you are going through this.

somebody will see this soon who can help with good advice.

Cerisier · 08/03/2014 02:56

Rosie I am sorry to hear this but please don't panic or do anything rash. Also don't say too much to DH, let him sweat.

I don't think taking the DC away with you would help and it could just give him the time, space and reason to act on his fantasies. If you want to go and get some space, leave the DC with him.

When you are feeling up to it you both need to talk about what is going on and why. Work out what you both want for the future and how you are going to achieve it. You will need time and no distractions for this though, it can't be done in the middle of looking after children.

Monty27 · 08/03/2014 02:58

No, don't leave, its your dcs home. Tell him to get out.

Original poster
Rosie765 · 08/03/2014 03:25

Why am I wide awake while he is sleeping? The messages that were sent were so erotic & there were lots of naked photos of her. He described things he wanted to do to her & I just can't believe it. He reckons he has been talking to her for 7 weeks! I hope she is a man, if he decides to leave me for her. Why throw away 11 years of a relationship. I'm in so much shock.

OP posts:
talullah57 · 08/03/2014 04:05

Stay where you are. You are better than him and you have your home and your children to look after. Stay put.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2014 04:07

Is there anyone who could appeal to his better nature so he leaves? Mum, friend? You need to stay in your home.

Pinter · 08/03/2014 04:13

So sorry this is happening

Someone with loads better advice will be along soon but didn't want to leave you unanswered

Meantime, keep your powder dry; say very very little. Stay where you are. He should be the one to leave while you decide your next course of action. You're in shock. You have done nothing wrong. This is his fuckup & his alone.

From previous reading of threads like this expect him to lie, minimise, blame everyone but himself (including you) & claim a breakdown.

Keep calm, keep quiet & take your time. But he should be the one packing bags, not you, & certainly not the DC who have done nothing wrong

A hand to hold & Brew for you. Make sure you eat Thanks

Thumbwitch · 08/03/2014 04:33

Stay where you are. Although if I were you, I would have had all the bedclothes off him and sent him to the sofa.

Do NOT leave the house. Why should you, and why should your children be pushed out of their home? They will be completely bewildered, frightened, upset - this doesn't need to be the case.

If he has a mother, tell him to go and stay at hers for a while. If he doesn't, then he can go to a hostel/hotel/B&B/friend's house.

I don't blame him for refusing to leave in the middle of the night, but he might reconsider in the morning - if you give him enough of a shove!

If he still refuses, start by getting a suitcase/bag out for him and if he really won't shift, you might have to pack stuff for him. Pack what he's likely to really need this coming week and then chuck it outside. Once he's out the door, bolt it and refuse to let him back in.

Get him out of the house by hook or by crook so that you can have some time to clear your head and think things through - stay in contact though, just make it on your terms only.

Also, if he refuses to leave, it is likely because he thinks that what he's been doing "isn't that bad" - you need to make it VERY clear to him just how bad it is in your eyes, how much of a betrayal, how hurt you are etc. etc. If he's halfway decent that should be enough for him to realise you need him to leave and he should go voluntarily - if he still refuses, or refuses to accept he's done anything wrong, then you have even more serious problems ahead. :(

Gettingmeback · 08/03/2014 05:02

Rosie, I'm so sorry this has happened. You must be in total shock. I doubt he's sleeping. More likely shitting himself about what you're going to do. I hope so anyway. When he says he won't leave, is it likely he will stick to this? In the cold light of day it might be different. I would say you need to insist he leaves. You and your DCs shouldn't be disrupted because of his disgraceful behaviour. Keep talking you'll feel better. And you need to think about who you can get RL support from immediately.

Original poster
Rosie765 · 08/03/2014 05:16

He has no where to go to be honest. No family around, I'm sure he can find a mates sofa to sleep on but I think they would be pretty appalled with his behaviour if he tells them the truth why he had to leave. I'm not sure if he wants to work things out as I think he's bored with our family life & wants more excitement. Oh well in a few hours I will soon find out if I go or he does. Thank you for all your support. It's getting me through the sleepless night. x

OP posts:
Gettingmeback · 08/03/2014 05:30

He will want to work things out so he can stay. But it probably won't be 'working it out' in the way that you need. More that he'll just want you to let it go and return to status quo. What's more important is what you want. Do you want to work it out? What would you need from him to work it out? Do you think he will acknowledge the disloyalty and pain his internet cheating has caused or will he minimise it as harmless internet flirting?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2014 05:51

Do not leave, you need to keep yourself and the children in the home. Be sure you have access/passwords to all bank accounts and check them to see what the balances are. Get copies of all important papers, tax returns, mortgage information, his wage information. You need to protect yourself financially if 'the worst' happens.

You and he need to talk so you can understand where he is, mentally and emotionally, as far as your relationship goes. Seek counseling. Then decide whether you want to try to work things out or not.

Lweji · 08/03/2014 05:59

You don't have to leave and he doesn't have to leave.
He should if he has any love and respect for your feelings, though.

So, I'd stop doing things for him, as if you were separated and sleep in different rooms.

Meanwhile see what he does and try to decide calmly what to do. From his attitude, and how he used the phone, it doesn't look like he's too bothered.

Get evidence if you can. Screen shot his phone if necessary.

Make sure you protect yourself financially. If you have joint bank accounts, make sure you have or put some money aside in your own account.
Get legal advice asap, even if you eventually decide not to divorce.

You can take off for the day to think and leave him with the children.

Handywoman · 08/03/2014 07:17

I would send him off to get some bits from the shops. Pack his bags, put them outside and then lock doors from the inside if you can, put key in lock so he can't get in. Make sure you mean business. So sorry. Thanks

brokenhearted55a · 08/03/2014 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horsemad · 08/03/2014 08:06

DO NOT LEAVE THE PROPERTY. Also, do not leave the DC with him. This could weaken your case if you separate/divorce.

You also cannot not lock him out/change locks if you are both joint owners.

If he refuses to move out then you sleep on the sofa if you need to. Not ideal, I know, but it will reinforce to him that he can't behave like this & get away with it.

louby44 · 08/03/2014 08:09

Yes DO NOT leave. If he refuses to leave, do not cook, wash his clothes. Make him move to the spare room, move one of the kids in with you if you need to, show him you mean business.

Move some money if you can. I'm so sorry. I've been where you are and it's hard!

Please keep posting!

TDada · 08/03/2014 08:17

So sorry to hear. Is your husband being sucked in by an online advert or is he actually having an affair with someone whom he met? Both obviously stink but could affect your finl decision on whether to leave him. Hugs

Longdistance · 08/03/2014 08:23

Kick him out of the bed. Don't cook for him, do his laundry or help him in any way. Make it as uncomfortable as possible for him. If family life isn't for him he can foxtrot oscar now.

Sorry it's been a shock Flowers

WhereOWhere · 08/03/2014 09:42

So sorry this is happening to you. Talk to someone in RL; get some legal advice so you're clear about your future options; keep things as normal as possible for the DC; do nothing for him ; and, as other have said, do not leave - its not your problem he has no where to go tosser

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 08/03/2014 09:57

Seriously don't leave or leave the dc with him. Not just about custody - they are your dc. My children were 2 and 3 when my now ex h was sexting. He was mainly doing it when I was at work and he had our boys. So being left with the kids won't necessarily stop him at all and is not great for them.

I went to see a solicitor on the first working day after finding out. Just so that I knew where I stood and could make fully informed decisions. I found that really helpful.

Good luck today x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/03/2014 10:02

Where are you now OP, unless he turns physically nasty I would strongly advise you to stay put with your DCs. Why should you have upheaval and extra stress. He probably feels like the big I Am what with some stranger sending him explicit photos, it doesn't mean he has had any luck yet getting extra marital sex. Don't get upset or conciliatory, get mad. Who does he think he is? Stop cooking for him and doing laundry, he doesn't get to share your bed after last night's revelation.

Any hint or direct accusation from him that you are in some way to blame - you don't make time for him, he felt neglected, sex isn't as good or as frequent as it used to be - remember HE is the one doing the damage to your marriage. He is the one who has been betraying you and your DCs. Not you.

Beckamaw · 08/03/2014 10:08

Hi.
So sorry you are going through this. 6 years ago, I was in your shoes. It is the most terrible shock.

Please take control. Ask him to leave.
You don't need to make huge decisions, but you need to demonstrate that this is a massive deal, and is unacceptable. Make him stew in what he has done.

You can't force him to leave, but he should. Mine did.

knowledgeispower · 08/03/2014 11:02

I'm correct in thinking that you need someone's mobile number to communicate via 'what's app'?

Thinking of you Rosie, some excellent advice given on here.

TeacupDrama · 08/03/2014 11:11

legally he does not have to leave the marital home and it is illegal to lock him out, the only time this is acceptable is after legal advice and you and kids in physical danger,

I am really sorry your husband has behaved appallingly but just advising you not to follow advice which is illegal, you should ask him again to leave but as beckamaw said you can't force him but you need to say what you mean if it is over and there is no way you feel you could ever reconcile whatever he does you need to say this