Is this bloke a twunt?

[HoursOfFun]

I have developed a sort of 'closeness' with someone at work though nothing has ever happened physically. He has said he would like it to many times. I am not sure though I like him a lot. We've been out as friends for coffees and to the odd film. But there is a strange pattern that is, to be frank, pissing me off even on the basis that we are supposedly 'friends'.

Yesterday was a prime example. We had a works drinks thing in the evening. Earlier in the day he sent an email saying 'such a shame we have to spent time making small talk with others - it'd be nice to sneak off to a film together'. We are actually supposed to be going to a film on Monday so I replied 'yes, Monday though!'

Anyway, come the actual drinks, he more or less blanked me though I was sitting at the same table. Instead he flirted heavily with the pretty young blonde sitting right next to me. At one point when I asked him a question about something he said I'll explain it to X (pretty blonde girl) and started whispering in her ear which made me feel like a total idiot. I wanted to get up and move but I was sat in an awkward position and it would have looked pointed I felt.

Now he's often said that he doesn't want people at work knowing how 'close' (his word) we are and that we should 'give each other space around colleagues'.

FWIW I've agreed because I don't want gossip etc

But surely there's a difference between not being obviously cliquey and being downright rude? And he doesn't seem to have any similar problems about being perceived as 'close' to the woman he was flirting with.

But this is the truly odd bit.. he left the drinks and on his way home texted me asking me to go out to a party with him tonight. I ignored it. He then called me twice today - I ignored and send me an email again about the party to which I answered that I already had plans.

Is it just me, or is this really twuntish behaviour? He is developing real form for basically ignoring me in social situations, then texting, calling, messaging etc quite intensely. But then insisting 'no one must know',
I'm not sure I can be bothered to be his friend. It's exhausting and annoying. What's going on?

I agree with all of the above. He is an Idiot.

Just blow him out, say something's come up Monday and you can't make it and that you'll call him. Then don't.

I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of an explanation. Just let him think you 'went off' him. Take him down a peg or two.

I wouldn't even bother pointing anything out to him, he's not going to care.

If you feel angry enough 'to assert yourself' just tell him he's too much of tit to bother with even as a friend.

Agree with others. Cancel Monday and move on. Even though you have enjoyed spending time with him, this game playing will quickly override any positive feelings you had for him. He doesn't even sound worth discussing it with him. If he genuinely didn't want people at work to know, he would treat everyone the same. I met my DH at work and we tried to keep it secret. But the chemistry between us was so obvious we were fooling ourselves. Neither of us would have been able to look at another person let alone flirt. He's a dick.

It looks like your twat radar is working and that's probably why you felt uncomfortable making it a physical relationship.
Good for you.

K8Middleton - I haven't refused a sexual relationship. Several times things could have developed and then he seemed to back off. I was actually disappointed which seems odd now given his weird game playing. I put it down to shyness / needing more time....
Like one time we'd been out and it really seemed like we would kiss and I wanted to. Then he hugged me and left and then texted saying 'no goodnight kiss?'.... I thought it was endearing shyness at the time. Now, given how he's been behaving I just don't know. Whatever - the chemistry obviously wasn't strong enough for things to happen.

Uuurrrggghhhhhhhh........ I just wish I hadn't spent so much time on it all. I've actually been quite infatuated with him which seems ridiculous I know. I do find him really attractive in some way. But he's a twunt and I need to remember that.

I've just had another text from him telling me about some songs he likes (he does this a lot - we've always talked about music and films). I must ignore I guess.

What a tosser. Get rid. I can't stand men like that. Trying to make you jealous or keep you on your toes or whatever bollocks they think they achieve by such bizarre behaviour. You can do so much better than that.

I think it sounds like he's behaving like this deliberately - a push / pull 'treat 'em mean' tactic. It means he's a twunt.

I wouldn't be too sad. You seem to have had some good times as well as bad, from this relationship.

But I'd say there is a difference between not wanting to tell others about the relationship and being downright rude! If he flirts in front of your face, he probably likes playing games and making you feel jealous. It's probably an ego boost for him. I'd also be worried about how he would behave when you weren't there.

TBH I couldn't be arsed to even read all your OP as it is obvious he is playing control games with you and seeing how far he can push things. I would be walking away immediately and treating him in an icy polite way if I had to speak to him. Also, using someone else to make him all big and important is shite.

It sounds like he wants you for whatever reason but wouldn't want anyone to know about you. Good enough to fuck but don't tell anyone as he is embarrassed. Using you for sex if it gets that far.

I agree Zippy.

When I first got to know him he would accuse me of being very flirtatious with lots of people. It was a huge joke for him - he would always say 'you're such a multi- flirt' after we'd been in the pub with colleagues.

But the thing is I honestly don't think I am. He was sort of proprietorial with me right from the beginning of our 'friendship' way before we ever actually went out and did anything together. I found it weirdly flattering though a bit odd.

Now though I look back and wonder whether it was a sign of his controlling side. It certainly made me a bit self conscious just about talking to male colleagues and sort of monitor my behaviour in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise done.

The same thing happened with this business about 'no one must know how close we've become'
It had the effect of making me self monitor my behaviour at work and feel self conscious and inhibited to some extent.

Anyway I've had enough of it. He has no right to try and control me under the pretence of 'friendship'.

It has just crossed my mind that he may start attacking you at work, spreading lies and making your life difficult. Watch out.

Yep Fabbakergirl.

Embarrassed he must be. Though he's told me that I'm 'very beautiful' and that 'men are putty in the palm of your hand' (yes slightly nausea inducing I know and not true at all as far as I'm concerned)

So I'm not sure why he's embarrassed that anyone should know that we're close. Except maybe he just doesn't actually fancy me. At least not nearly as much as lovely blonde girl. But then again I would have thought it would be easier to be just friends publicly?

But I'm sick of analysing. I really want to detach. It's difficult when he gets in touch so much. Also we have to work a lot together. I would like to not see him at all for a couple of weeks.

hours the more you write about this bloke the creepier he sounds. He's very skilled at having kept you where he wanted you. Lucky escape springs to mind. It would be interesting to see how he reacts when you stick to being purely professional.

Good comment by a pp on the workplace. You have done nothing wrong. If anything pops up in a professional sphere that he does untoward then make a note. Keep any communication you've had to date, emails, texts etc too. I sound dramatic but it's just in case.

Sure it will all work out fine and you meet a man worthy of you. Not this loser.

Nothing has to change at work per se does it? If you both have previously acted as if nothing was different then that is OK? You can detach right now. Cancel Monday and say sorry this isn't a good idea/not for me. See you at the office. End.

I hope I didn't offend you. I am sure you are gorgeous. This is about him and he sounds a controlling creep tbh.

I wouldn't even put see you at the office.

And don't apologise.

No you didn't offend me at all Fab!!! I'm ok - not particularly gorgeous but ok I think. But my self confidence has taken a bit of knock over this stuff - I've been wondering if he's been saying 'you're so beautiful' when he thinks the opposite - hence the secrecy. But sod it - who cares? He's not God's gift himself - I've always found him very attractive but he's not 'classically' so and has issues with his own self confidence I think. When we first started talking he always used to say to me 'X is much better looking than me isn't he?' about various colleagues to which I would answer 'I don't see them in that way' (which was true - I haven't felt attracted to anyone at work apart from him - though God only knows why).

I can't see anything good about this guy and the more you post the more creepy and a bad idea he seems.

I agree with everyone else. He's dangling you along for a personal ego boost and for some reason or another, means to keep you as a dirty secret. That should be waaaay too shabby for you, be it platonic or romantic.
I think he is manipulative and controlling, drawing you in with overblown words and pushing you away again when it suits him.
He says he's 'proud' of you, but clearly that is not the case. He says one thing, but does another, and OP you should never judge a person by what they say - talk is cheap. Judge a person by what they do, because actions speak louder than words.

He's all over you in private, but refutes you in public. How horrible. Anyone worth your time should be shouting his affection from the rooftops...metaphorically speaking.

Fuck him off. You are better than this crap.

Thanks - great comments.

Just told my brother all about it - I had been holding off as I felt embarrassed for some reason. He was great and backs up what people are saying here.

Just remain pleasant and polite in order to maintain a working relationship, but do not elaborate on the relationship beyond that. Be 'busy' if he suggests socialising outside of work and ignore any texts he sends. If you must reply to a text from him in order to keep any drama at bay, keep it flat, vague and cordial.
Let your lack of interest in pursuing and out of work relationship be known, without being 'pointed' about it. You still have to work together after all...phase him out politely, but DO phase him out.

"I alreay have plans I'm afraid"
"I'll get back to you about that" (then don't)
"Thanks but I'll say no - I've got something else on"
"Sorry - no can do. Another time." (like never)

Are all vague but polite brush offs you can use.

Okay he is a weirdo and a walking red flag. If I were you I'd be trying to work out why you are having to post on mumsnet and speak to your brother for confirmation of this. The fact you have invested any time in such an obvious prick would concern me. You maybe need to address self esteem issues. Men will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Sounds like the only reason you aren't in deeper with this ahole is because he has held off.