Is this bloke a twunt?

[HoursOfFun]

I have developed a sort of 'closeness' with someone at work though nothing has ever happened physically. He has said he would like it to many times. I am not sure though I like him a lot. We've been out as friends for coffees and to the odd film. But there is a strange pattern that is, to be frank, pissing me off even on the basis that we are supposedly 'friends'.

Yesterday was a prime example. We had a works drinks thing in the evening. Earlier in the day he sent an email saying 'such a shame we have to spent time making small talk with others - it'd be nice to sneak off to a film together'. We are actually supposed to be going to a film on Monday so I replied 'yes, Monday though!'

Anyway, come the actual drinks, he more or less blanked me though I was sitting at the same table. Instead he flirted heavily with the pretty young blonde sitting right next to me. At one point when I asked him a question about something he said I'll explain it to X (pretty blonde girl) and started whispering in her ear which made me feel like a total idiot. I wanted to get up and move but I was sat in an awkward position and it would have looked pointed I felt.

Now he's often said that he doesn't want people at work knowing how 'close' (his word) we are and that we should 'give each other space around colleagues'.

FWIW I've agreed because I don't want gossip etc

But surely there's a difference between not being obviously cliquey and being downright rude? And he doesn't seem to have any similar problems about being perceived as 'close' to the woman he was flirting with.

But this is the truly odd bit.. he left the drinks and on his way home texted me asking me to go out to a party with him tonight. I ignored it. He then called me twice today - I ignored and send me an email again about the party to which I answered that I already had plans.

Is it just me, or is this really twuntish behaviour? He is developing real form for basically ignoring me in social situations, then texting, calling, messaging etc quite intensely. But then insisting 'no one must know',
I'm not sure I can be bothered to be his friend. It's exhausting and annoying. What's going on?

[HoursOfFun]

Thanks for the replies.
The reason I needed to ask my brother is that I trust his opinion.
I don't have self esteem issues contrary to those posters that asked if I do. At least- not any more than the average person, I don't think.
This whole situation has been disorientating.
Also I do not really understand why I need to justify posting on MN to canvass opinion - to the poster who raised this. It doesn't really say anything about me apart from the fact that I wanted to seek some outside perspective.
I needed reassurance about my instincts and I have found it from many supportive posts - not so from the odd judgemental and unreasonably critical post - but that is only to be expected when chatting to total strangers on line.

Anyway: update - I had a meeting with the twunt in question's line manager who I get on with very well and who is very supportive generally. Although not in connection with anything I've mentioned in these posts.

He actually asked unprompted if things were ok because he had noticed twunt in question being 'off' with me at work (his words) and also 'treating you in an inappropriate way'. When I asked what he meant he said 'he's been rude and dismissive towards you in front of colleagues and it's unacceptable'.

Anyway - i said that the behaviour described has been bothering me a bit but that I don't want to make any sort of complaint but that I was relieved it had been noted.

It is a great relief to be honest - it stops me feeling like I was going a little mad and imagining things. But I am saved from having to do anything formal or cause bad feeling.

So I'll be polite as anything with twunt, professional etc and detach on a personal level.

Also to those posters wondering why it's taken me so long, the bad behaviour from twunt in the work place has been very recent. It was all charm in and out of the office until recently. I haven't been 'tolerating' anything for any length of time. The bad behaviour started in January but our 'friendship' or whatever it is started last summer.

I suspect that the bloke in question has some real issues himself about intimacy, maybe even his sexuality....the oddness of wanting this pseudo relationship but no actual sexual contact whilst talking about wanting it a lot smacks of real confusion. The flirting with the blonde was hurtful but given that we're not in a 'relationship' relationship I don't really know what it was about and I don't care either. As for the 'nobody at work must know' - I think he was also scared of it making him look silly - we are on the same level but I am favoured more by management than him (complicated situation in terms of work politics)

Anyway....he annoyed me but I don't feel a victim of anything other than my own temporary disorientation. Thanks for all the advice.

[pictish]

fabbakergirl normally I'd agree with you regarding 'I'm afraid' and 'sorry' but in this case, they still have to work closely together. Far better to keep things genial and pleasant than 'delete and block', because such pointed actions will result in a sour working relationship and an awkward daily atmosphere.
If she can phase him out nicely, it will make her own working day much more bearable.

[Chloerose75]

Get rid,I'm sure you can do better. He sounds very strange.

[zippey]

I think its a bit harsh to say you need your self esteem sorted out. He has used kind words, you felt flattered, you seem pretty normal. And I'd also say that everyone makes mistakes and many people can do with self esteem boosts. I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

Also, it's perfectly understandable to want to keep work relationships hush hush. It's not understandable however to treat people so badly in front of other people, as it sounds like he has done to you.

It's understandable to want to keep things quiet in a work environment but the situation isn't normal. In a normal relationship you would want to shout from the rooftops and be proud to be with your partner. Perhaps your friend is also caught up in a conflicting situation where he doesn't know how to behave, so ends up behaving like an arse instead.

Maybe the relationship can survive if you were both open about your relationship. Then there would be no more hiding, lying or secrets, all of which bring out the worst in people.

[FabBakerGirl]

Don't be saying "sorry" and "I'm afraid" like you have done something wrong.

This man is taking up far too much head space. Just delete and block.

[Catsmamma]

I'd have said he was after you as a notch on his bed post until your post about the Goodnight Kiss

Seems like he wants dibs on you but is having a jolly good sniff about lovely blondes others before making any major commitment

[HelloBoys]

I do agree with rainbow too - why should you get your brother's confirmation over something that's essentially a work flirtation?

do you have many interests/friends outside work?

Don't get me wrong years ago I was in a push me pull me infatuation sort of thing with a guy at work but it never does any good especially if they don't want to take it further. It can end up ruling your life.

In fact I totally agree with what the rest of rainbow has said, e.g. you'd date him if he asked and put up with his crap.

seems like you need to get self esteem sorted out - the only reason I say that is your comment re him finding you and calling you beautiful, you need to get that within you, not have it told to you by him or any other man out there.

[HelloBoys]

Twunt, game player and wants you to jump whenever he says how high. ignore him from now on. even if it means being cold etc at work.

[rainbowsmiles]

Okay he is a weirdo and a walking red flag. If I were you I'd be trying to work out why you are having to post on mumsnet and speak to your brother for confirmation of this. The fact you have invested any time in such an obvious prick would concern me. You maybe need to address self esteem issues. Men will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Sounds like the only reason you aren't in deeper with this ahole is because he has held off.

[pictish]

"I alreay have plans I'm afraid"
"I'll get back to you about that" (then don't)
"Thanks but I'll say no - I've got something else on"
"Sorry - no can do. Another time." (like never)

Are all vague but polite brush offs you can use.

[pictish]

Just remain pleasant and polite in order to maintain a working relationship, but do not elaborate on the relationship beyond that. Be 'busy' if he suggests socialising outside of work and ignore any texts he sends. If you must reply to a text from him in order to keep any drama at bay, keep it flat, vague and cordial.
Let your lack of interest in pursuing and out of work relationship be known, without being 'pointed' about it. You still have to work together after all...phase him out politely, but DO phase him out.

[HoursOfFun]

Thanks - great comments.

Just told my brother all about it - I had been holding off as I felt embarrassed for some reason. He was great and backs up what people are saying here.

[pictish]

I agree with everyone else. He's dangling you along for a personal ego boost and for some reason or another, means to keep you as a dirty secret. That should be waaaay too shabby for you, be it platonic or romantic.
I think he is manipulative and controlling, drawing you in with overblown words and pushing you away again when it suits him.
He says he's 'proud' of you, but clearly that is not the case. He says one thing, but does another, and OP you should never judge a person by what they say - talk is cheap. Judge a person by what they do, because actions speak louder than words.

He's all over you in private, but refutes you in public. How horrible. Anyone worth your time should be shouting his affection from the rooftops...metaphorically speaking.

Fuck him off. You are better than this crap.

[FabBakerGirl]

I can't see anything good about this guy and the more you post the more creepy and a bad idea he seems.

[HoursOfFun]

No you didn't offend me at all Fab!!! I'm ok - not particularly gorgeous but ok I think. But my self confidence has taken a bit of knock over this stuff - I've been wondering if he's been saying 'you're so beautiful' when he thinks the opposite - hence the secrecy. But sod it - who cares? He's not God's gift himself - I've always found him very attractive but he's not 'classically' so and has issues with his own self confidence I think. When we first started talking he always used to say to me 'X is much better looking than me isn't he?' about various colleagues to which I would answer 'I don't see them in that way' (which was true - I haven't felt attracted to anyone at work apart from him - though God only knows why).

[FabBakerGirl]

And don't apologise.

[FabBakerGirl]

I wouldn't even put see you at the office.

[FabBakerGirl]

I hope I didn't offend you. I am sure you are gorgeous. This is about him and he sounds a controlling creep tbh.

[livingzuid]

Nothing has to change at work per se does it? If you both have previously acted as if nothing was different then that is OK? You can detach right now. Cancel Monday and say sorry this isn't a good idea/not for me. See you at the office. End.

[livingzuid]

hours the more you write about this bloke the creepier he sounds. He's very skilled at having kept you where he wanted you. Lucky escape springs to mind. It would be interesting to see how he reacts when you stick to being purely professional.

Good comment by a pp on the workplace. You have done nothing wrong. If anything pops up in a professional sphere that he does untoward then make a note. Keep any communication you've had to date, emails, texts etc too. I sound dramatic but it's just in case.

Sure it will all work out fine and you meet a man worthy of you. Not this loser.

[HoursOfFun]

Yep Fabbakergirl.

Embarrassed he must be. Though he's told me that I'm 'very beautiful' and that 'men are putty in the palm of your hand' (yes slightly nausea inducing I know and not true at all as far as I'm concerned)

So I'm not sure why he's embarrassed that anyone should know that we're close. Except maybe he just doesn't actually fancy me. At least not nearly as much as lovely blonde girl. But then again I would have thought it would be easier to be just friends publicly?

But I'm sick of analysing. I really want to detach. It's difficult when he gets in touch so much. Also we have to work a lot together. I would like to not see him at all for a couple of weeks.

[Lweji]

It has just crossed my mind that he may start attacking you at work, spreading lies and making your life difficult. Watch out.

[Back2Two]

He sounds fairly scary.
It's all about him anyway that is for sure and you are supposed to play along.

[HoursOfFun]

I agree Zippy.

When I first got to know him he would accuse me of being very flirtatious with lots of people. It was a huge joke for him - he would always say 'you're such a multi- flirt' after we'd been in the pub with colleagues.

But the thing is I honestly don't think I am. He was sort of proprietorial with me right from the beginning of our 'friendship' way before we ever actually went out and did anything together. I found it weirdly flattering though a bit odd.

Now though I look back and wonder whether it was a sign of his controlling side. It certainly made me a bit self conscious just about talking to male colleagues and sort of monitor my behaviour in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise done.

The same thing happened with this business about 'no one must know how close we've become'
It had the effect of making me self monitor my behaviour at work and feel self conscious and inhibited to some extent.

Anyway I've had enough of it. He has no right to try and control me under the pretence of 'friendship'.

[FabBakerGirl]

TBH I couldn't be arsed to even read all your OP as it is obvious he is playing control games with you and seeing how far he can push things. I would be walking away immediately and treating him in an icy polite way if I had to speak to him. Also, using someone else to make him all big and important is shite.

It sounds like he wants you for whatever reason but wouldn't want anyone to know about you. Good enough to fuck but don't tell anyone as he is embarrassed. Using you for sex if it gets that far.