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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she's said it all..

54 replies

SadFaceMethinks · 06/03/2014 14:03

I've been having problems with my OH, which to be honest we shouldn't be having. We should be in the honeymoon period of the relationship, having the time of our lives.
However, she told me a couple of weeks ago that she was struggling with the relationship because I don't earn as much as her ex. It's all been quite open but she's decided now that I've moved in, that she wants more than I can give her.
I don't think she's over the breakup of her marriage and I think she's been fooling herself that she was capable of giving me what she thought she could.

Last night, she got in from an impromptu night with the girls and announced that she isn't sure if she loves me and that I should have some dignity.

I'm taking this as "please leave as soon as convenient" but I wanted opinions before I did anything.
I know things have been difficult, but I really want to be with her.. I suppose this is part of the problem.
She's also been really distant and is talking to other exes on FB.. My friends think she already has the next guy waiting in the wings...

I'm just heartbroken. I don't want to break it off.

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 06/03/2014 14:05

It might be better for you if you did.

She's not being at all unclear. She is, however, being very cruel. Do you really want to stay with someone who is happy to treat you badly? Don't you think you are worth more than that?

What you feel you should or should not be having is neither here nor there. The reality of your situation is that you are being treated like crap.

you do not describe someone who wants to be with you. As painful as that is, leaving is better than trying to cling on to someone who does not wish to be clung on to.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Finola1step · 06/03/2014 14:09

It's done. She just doesn't want to be the big, baddie who actually tells you to leave. She wants you to decide to leave so it can all be mutually agreed and easier for her. So she's now starting the old tactic of making it quite uncomfortable for you so that you give in, pack up and leave.

There are plenty of good women out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:14

Trying to shame you (ie: you've got 'no dignity') and only saying she has doubts when she's had a skinful... sounds like a very mature person Hmm

You deserve a lot better than this. Sounds like she has moved you in to make herself feel better and now wants the single life/thinks she can 'do better' (RE salary etc).

Very shallow and very cruel. Sorry OP Brew

Irishmummy1981 · 06/03/2014 14:20

Re-read what you wrote, do you really want to be with someone who is basically mean and cruel. She seems to be very interested in what you earn (so you can buy her stuff probably). Then pack your things and leave with your dignity.

Find someone who wont treat you like a bank card and will treat you the way people should treat people they are meant to like.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/03/2014 14:22

Sounds as if having got your relationship on a different footing, she quickly recognised there are more sweeties in the sweet shop. She's been very frank, which I realise doesn't hurt any less than an arbitrary and spur-of-the-moment falling out. Don't you deserve more? Sorry OP the writing's on the wall. Move out andmove on. Better than keeping yourself dangling, subservient, frightened to challenge her, feeling more wretched as you chase her.

Smilesandpiles · 06/03/2014 15:39

Sorry, this relationship is dead in the water.

She doesn't want it, you are having doubts and know things are not right.

Why torture yourself even more.

Let it go, hurt for a while and then move on. You deserve better, go and find it.

Lweji · 06/03/2014 15:53

Well, do have some dignity. She sounds horrible to break up like this.

Having said that, I'd ask her to be honest and upfront and tell me what she wanted instead of giving hints. Tell her to have some dignity and break up properly herself.

Original poster
SadFaceMethinks · 06/03/2014 15:55

Hi.
just to try and be as fair as possible, it's her house, she's been paying the bills.
I've been giving her about 60-70% of all my wages after bills have come out, but this only equated to about a third of household bills (excluding her mortgage - this is something that is supposed to be changing soon)..
Also, she was driving, so was stone cold sober. She didn't get drunk to tell me

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/03/2014 15:55

She ain't an adult she's a teen! It's over. I'm sorry. Good luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2014 15:56

'Please leave as soon as is convenient' would be my interpretation as well. Don't wait to be shoved. Keep your dignity and walk.

Lweji · 06/03/2014 15:56

I would look for a place and just take off one day without warning.

Lweji · 06/03/2014 15:57

And don't pay her mortgage.

Smilesandpiles · 06/03/2014 16:03

Move out and move on and don't give her any more money.

Do yourself a favour and do it today.

lesbican · 06/03/2014 17:22

Eee, what a thoughtless wench.

Assuming there's not more to the story of course. How have things been before that?

I would tell her you will leave when she breaks up with you.

My ex did all this shit before making me dump her.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 06/03/2014 17:23

Sad as it is for you, if she wants you to leave then you have to leave.
You should be with someone who wants to be with you.

AgathaF · 06/03/2014 17:34

You can't maintain a relationship if she doesn't want to play her part.

More on now. As soon as you can. Staying is only going to hurt you more.

expatinscotland · 06/03/2014 17:37

Dump her and move on. She doesn't sound very nice.

Original poster
SadFaceMethinks · 06/03/2014 17:50

Things were utterly amazing until I moved in.
now it feels like I'm an inconvenience.

She had said a few weeks ago that she thought she is better when she's on her own... I... Suppose I choose to ignore what she was trying to tell me.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 06/03/2014 17:52

So, what are you going to do now?

pictish · 06/03/2014 17:56

Well...at the risk of sounding harsh here...why on earth would you want to stay somewhere it is quite clear you are not wanted?
I would arrange to move out soonest if I were you.
I'm really sorry - you must be so hurt..but if you have to convince someone to love you, then it's a no goer.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 06/03/2014 17:58

Well, you can't stay in someone else's home against their wishes so you are just going to have to leave.

Of course it will be sad but what's the alternative? Camping out in the house of someone who has clearly told you they don't want you there?

Emotionally, it is really difficult and it's going to take time for you to get over this, but in terms of living arrangements - you really don't have a choice.

More than that, it really isn't healthy to stay with someone who really doesn't want to be with you. You won't be happy. Not really.

Finola1step · 06/03/2014 17:59

You need to walk away and chalk it up to experience.

arsenaltilidie · 06/03/2014 19:04

It's hard getting dumped in such an indirect/cruel way but take it like a man, move out and end the relationship.

Well have some dignity then.

BeverlyMoss · 06/03/2014 19:08

This is an ideal time to say, when someone tells you who they are, listen.

She's fickle, probably a bit flaky and definitely lacks compassion.

This will never come right now, best cut away now as painful as it might be it will only become more so if you try and fail (and you will) to make it right.

Lavenderhoney · 06/03/2014 19:36

Leave ASAP before it gets nastier. At the weekend if you can.

She has made it very clear she doesn't want you there, and in your shoes I would leave and not try to discuss. Go nc for your own piece of mind.

You're right, its too soon for this crap so she's done you a favour before you spend any more time and money. A lucky escape, even though you may not feel that way now.