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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She showed me the Bruises

27 replies

bongobaby · 04/03/2014 15:12

I was shocked by the bruises that a friend has shown me.
The police brought her to my home after her partner and her had a row where she ended up on the floor pushed by him.
He stayed in the house with the kids. I know both of them and they can be volatile but I never expected that he has been doing that to her.
She wants to leave but he holds all the money as she doesn't work.she is very upset and I want to offer her practical advise without him possibly turning up at my door kicking off

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2014 15:17

The best advice you can give her is to talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 who are very experienced at helping women escape domestic abuse. She sounds like she needs to urgently get herself and the DCs safely to a refuge and take it from there. Very surprised the police left the DCs with him

BTW if he did turn up at your door being aggressive, call the police. It helps your friend to have it on record that the man is violent

Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 16:08

You always have wise words cog, thank you I will point her in that direction. He told the police that he had no where to go so they asked her if she did and she said yes. Think that this was the best way to defuse the situation. She keeps saying he is a good dad but I said to her that good dads do not batter the mother of his children. I'm worried for her as she is now back there.

OP posts:
innisglas · 04/03/2014 17:31

I can't believe the police left him in the house with the children! Assault and battery is a criminal offense, why wasn't he carted off to prison

arsenaltilidie · 04/03/2014 18:13

Police aren't stupid, she's obviously the perpetrator that's why they saw it fit to remove her from the house and children.

Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 18:16

He refused to leave the house so they brought her to my house because she gave the police my number they phoned me and asked that she could stay here. She was very upset and agitated I guess they thought that they had to be separated for the night. She didn't show or tell the police about the bruises. I want to help but feel like I am not being told the full story

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 18:21

Arsenaltidie because it happened so fast that she had turned up to my house with the police and her crying hysterically then showing me the bruises. I didn't have time to think that he should if gone and not her. What you have said is true and maybe she is taking me for an idiot. Some if what she says doesn't sit right in my mind. I don't want to be dragged into this if she is playing games.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 04/03/2014 18:26

So we are meant to believe he just refused to leave, so the police took her instead and left him with the children.

They saw it fit to remove the mother of the children and leave them with the abusive father because he just refused.
Hmm

JuliaScurr · 04/03/2014 18:32

arsenaltilidie mind if we call you arse for short? Do sod off back under your bridge

JuliaScurr · 04/03/2014 18:33

OP - yes, contact Women's Aid

Bogeyface · 04/03/2014 18:37

Arsenal does have a point.

I find it very hard to believe that a woman who was hysterical and bruised would be taken away and the man who attacked her was left in the house with the children (SS would have a field day with that alone) and not arrest him and bail him to stay away from her.

Something isnt right about this, and having been a victim of an abuser I know more than most how these things work, and am no abuse apologist.

Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 18:37

All I know is that he refused to leave after she telephoned them saying he was kicking off. Surely they would of arrested her if he had made a complaint against her. The police wanted to defuse the situation and asked her if she had somewhere to go instead. There was no removal as such. She is covered in bruises saying that he has been hitting her and calling her names withholding money from her.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 04/03/2014 18:38

Before I decided what to do OP I would be trying to find out what actually happened and what (if anything) has been done to the husband/kids.

Bogeyface · 04/03/2014 18:40

Surely they would of arrested her if he had made a complaint against her

Yes they would but in order to do that he would have to say that she has assaulted him. They could arrest anyway if they feel that the victim is too frightened to push for it, but often cases will be dropped if the victim will not give a statement or support a prosecution.

If she told the police that he assaulted her then he would have been arrested, no question.

Bloodyteenagers · 04/03/2014 18:50

So she phones up the police, says he's kicking off... They arrive, she is hysterical. She is removed from the property and the apparent abuser is left with children?

wyrdyBird · 04/03/2014 18:52

'Defusing' suggests they really haven't had the full story.
Maybe you could talk to the police on 101. Ask for advice. Tell them you've seen the bruises, and you're concerned.

Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 18:56

Bogey I'm only going by what she tells me, lets me know. She was threatening to harm herself the police told me. She also turned up at my house last week very upset after they had a row in tears.This is the third time the police have been calked to their house.A social worker was round their house this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 18:58

I really feel that something is not right and she isn't telling me the full truth, just what she wants me to hear. But how does that explain the bruises.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 04/03/2014 18:59

Arsenal does speak sense - what she has said doesn't really make a lot of sense. Just because she has bruises doesn't prove anything, they could have been caused by any number of different things.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 04/03/2014 19:00

They wouldn't leave a violent man with the kids and take her away, and I say this as someone who's been in an abusive relationship. If she'd made a complaint against him, he'd have been arrested and taken to the police station for questioning.

There's more to this than you're being told, OP.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 04/03/2014 19:01

OP you arent getting the full story here. Be careful what you believe.

Bloodyteenagers · 04/03/2014 19:06

She could have given herself the bruises.
Self harm comes in many forms.

Original poster
bongobaby · 04/03/2014 19:15

I'm thinking that she didn't tell the police he had pushed her and that they were just having a row and he was kicking off. Probably why no arrests were made and he was left with the kids.
We use to be close friends years ago but drifted apart for the last few years. I only see her if we bump into each other locally and never speak on the phone to each other about daily lives and kids. It was very random that she turned up on my doorstep and totally unexpected. They have been together for years and I know of them both, he has a spiteful attitude and she can be a bit of a drama queen. I didn't have him down as a wife beater so I'm really shocked at what she showed me but somehow in my gut I think I'm being reeled into something that may not be true

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/03/2014 00:57

'm thinking that she didn't tell the police he had pushed her and that they were just having a row and he was kicking off. Probably why no arrests were made and he was left with the kids.

Even if she just said he was kicking off, he would have been arrested,even if he had worse injuries than her and she had in fact attacked him. The police are shit hot on DV against women now (not so much against men sadly) so they wouldnt risk the kids being left with (as far as they know) an angry and abusive man. They wouldnt remove an abused woman from her children.

Had she been drinking?

There is definitely more to this than you know.

Bogeyface · 05/03/2014 01:00

It was very random that she turned up on my doorstep and totally unexpected

Could that be because her closer friends and family dont support her anymore because they know more than you do? Either that she is a drama queen, or an abuser or Peter who is always crying "Wolf!"?

JuliaScurr · 05/03/2014 09:55

my friend's husband wasn't arrested after he assaulted and threatened her and their two children. She got a magistrate's non-molestation order but the next hearing overturned it and told her to seek mediation.

The police & courts can't be relied on