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Original poster

How bad a thing is this to say to your H on a scale of 1 to 10?

64 replies

heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 11:37

Feeling a bit shit/guilty today about an argument I had with DH last night - but not sure if I'm just being dramatic because we don't usually argue Sad

He was having a bit of a moan about something (sex related) and didn't take it well. I told him that there are 'lots of things that piss me off about you but I care enough about your feelings to not just blurt them out whenever I think them'. He then nagged me for about twenty minutes to tell me what those things are and that now they're 'out there' I can't not tell him.

So I told him the thing - that I'm sick of listening to him moaning about being overweight and unfit but doing bugger all about it; and then constantly asking for my reassurance that he still looks ok, when actually, he does look unfit and overweight now.

Basically, he eats like a pig and doesn't do any exercise - he used to play rugby but had an injury and stopped - but carried on eating the same amount, which has meant he is now a fair bit overweight. And I've had to listen to him moaning about it for about ten years, since he got injured, but I always grit my teeth and just listen and nod. But last night I just thought sod it and out it all came. After my revelation I went to bed. This morning he was just all quiet and sad-looking.

And I'm feeling guilty. Am I a complete bitch? We don't usually argue at all so that's making me feel worse.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 04/03/2014 11:42

What did he say to you in the first place that sparked it all off?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2014 11:43

He asked and nagged for 20 minutes and you snapped and told him.
It's what he wanted so there you go.

But..... I think you need to sit down and discuss this argument and everything that has been said in the past as well.

Try to make sure neither of your hurt each other again.
But agree to tackle any annoyances by sitting down and doing it in a kind and considerate way.

gamerchick · 04/03/2014 11:43

no.. you don't badger somebody to tell you what bugs them about you and then expect an answer you'll be happy with.

I would have cringed saying it though.. but maybe it'll be the thing that kicks his arse to do something about it if it bothers him.

struggling100 · 04/03/2014 11:45

Oh gosh, OP - I understand where you were coming from, and it was under provocation, but I am wincing a bit for your DH. Talk about a blow to the ego!

Can you make it up to him tonight - maybe by cooking a healthy but special meal, and perhaps by offering to join him in an exercise regime? Maybe you guys can find a sport you both adore doing together, so that you can have fun together a couple of evenings a week?

tumbletumble · 04/03/2014 11:46

I am slightly overweight (BMI 26) and I would feel very hurt if I thought my DH had been thinking for years how fat I was. However if he nagged you for 20 mins I can see why you told him. Agree with hellsbells that you need to sit down and be kind to each other rather than argue about who was in the wrong.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 11:49

Ok so to answer you Jean he was saying it's unfair that he has to live with my monthly stroppiness and moodiness (due to horrendous PMT) - and in particular me not being interested in sex for two weeks out of every month, and that he just has to put up with it because I say it's not my fault (I do say that, because IMO it's worse for me because I have to live with it - at least he can get away from me sometimes!).

Usually I would be a kind and considerate person. He is kind and considerate also - and has the added advantage of not getting hideous PMT for half the month every month.

I've always suffered with it for a week(ish) every month, but the last few months it's seemed to get worse and worse where it can be that I feel shit for almost half the month, each month Sad

OP posts:
Amateurish · 04/03/2014 11:49

Pretty mean TBH.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 11:50

PS - despite the PMT, I do usually manage to keep a filter in place where I don't let my snappiness get too horrible. But for some reason I didn't manage it last night....

And I know, I know, I'm wincing too. God I feel like such a bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 11:51

Thanks Amateur - slap me while I'm down why don't you Grin

OP posts:
bragmatic · 04/03/2014 11:53

Moaning about it for 10 years? I'm surprised you didn't say anything before now.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2014 11:53

Get your GP or family planning clinic and get the PMT sorted out.
You shouldn't have to live like this.
Not sure how old you are and if you have kids etc...?
I have the implant and that is great - no PMT and no periods at all.
A lot people swear by the Mirena coil (tried that but they couldn't get it in position).
There are loads of options to help to make things better for you and in turn your DH and your friends and family.
I hope you can get it sorted - living the next however many years, suffering for half of each year is not something you should need to put up with.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 04/03/2014 11:54

I think he's been a bit immature tbh! He doesnt have a right to sex with you and he nagged you to tell him! Lets be clear- he knows he is overweight- you werent telling him anything he didnt know. He's pissed off that youre no longer willing to play along with the pretence meaning that he either has to actually do something about his weight or accept its how he is and live with it.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 11:57

Hells I know I should, I did speak to a doctor about it years ago and was told the only option is to go on ADs - which I absolutely didn't want to do, so I've never been back.

We do have DC - I'm 40. I've googled PMT a lot and apparently it does get worse as you approach the peri-menopause. What fun Sad

I've tried every remedy under the sun; St John's Wort, magnesium, B vitamins, Agnus Castus. None of them did anything. I can't use hormonal contraceptives for medical reasons.

But yes it is shit. God I started this thread just feeling guilty - now I feel completely miserable too Sad

OP posts:
jamtoast12 · 04/03/2014 11:59

I wouldn't worry. At the end of the day if he thinks he's overweight, why wouldn't you think the same?

People either are or are not overweight! You may not be bothered of he's overweight but if he is then he is and moaning doesn't sort the situation out. That would annoy me too! I'd agree with you, dh and I regularly tell each other if we've put on weight (normally if were feeling it and ask each other! There's no denying it if you have and it stops it getting worse!)

If he's asked you to say then he'll have to deal with the response, same as you had to deal with his.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 12:00

Thank you sillybilly Smile. You've made me feel a little bit better. Basically the PMT makes me feel knackered and completely lacking a libido. So I don't really fancy it for a week or up to two weeks if it's a bad month. He knows that. And he also says he doesn't want me to do it if I'm not into it, but he wants me to want to do it, not for us to just not do it at all at those times.

But I can't make myself want to when I feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 12:00

And Jam Smile

OP posts:
tess73 · 04/03/2014 12:05

Well it's not THAT bad, at least it is something he can do something about.
I think tonight you apologise but say he's been saying it for 10 years, if he hadn't been going on about it you wouldn't have noticed! That you hate that he hates himself etc....
But now if he wants to get healthy, fit, lose weight you are going to have to give him the time/space to do so! Not easy if you are working and have dc.

JeanSeberg · 04/03/2014 12:06

me not being interested in sex for two weeks out of every month, and that he just has to put up with it

"Just put up with it" - as opposed to what? He has some kind of right to sex with you whenever he feels like that? Is that what he sees you as then?

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 12:09

As opposed to I don't know. He clearly has a higher libido than me, whether because of PMT or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 12:10

I don't think he feels he has some kind of 'right', just that I can be right up for it for two weeks, which he loves, then I can just switch off and not be interested for another two weeks, when he hasn't switched off, and it makes him miserable.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 04/03/2014 12:10

Tell him to have a wank then.

lottieandmia · 04/03/2014 12:12

It's always wrong to say something that you know will hurt someone else's feelings.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 12:15

Childish I know but the way you said that made me laugh Jean

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 04/03/2014 12:19

Ok OP- lets say you and he have sex twice in a row and you are up for more but he's all spent. Would it be fair of you to huff with him and become miserable that he wont have sex with you again til he has re charged? That's what he is doing to you. Different cause for the not feeling like it but same result- one person wants sex- other one doesnt. The one who doesnt has a right to maintain that state without pressure!

livingzuid · 04/03/2014 12:20

My dh is in the obese category. It doesn't alter how much I love him but he knows how upset I get that he doesn't take care of himself and the serious impact this has on his health. Also with our first on the way I really want him to sort it out.

I used to feel bad about saying anything and now I don't. Why shouldn't we? It could have a huge impact on everyone if our partners don't take care of themselves. I'm not going to pretend it's OK when it isn't. I don't want him passing his terrible food habits to our daughters. I've seen the havoc obesity can wreak and I don't want it to happen to him.

I don't blame you for finally saying something. I've got my doubts as to the difference it makes when one goes on about it but for you to finally say something, no I don't think you have done anything wrong. You aren't befitting him you are expressing a justified concern about his health.

We can't force them to change though. I'd love dh the same whether he was a healthy weight or the way he is now. I just can't stand the thought of losing him before his time or not being able to keep up with his daughter. I get the sense from your posts that it's built up over 10 years and your concern comes not because of any physical element but genuine worry.

And pmt is vile. Exercise and yoga is the only thing that remotely offsets it for me.

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