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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad a thing is this to say to your H on a scale of 1 to 10?

64 replies

heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 11:37

Feeling a bit shit/guilty today about an argument I had with DH last night - but not sure if I'm just being dramatic because we don't usually argue Sad

He was having a bit of a moan about something (sex related) and didn't take it well. I told him that there are 'lots of things that piss me off about you but I care enough about your feelings to not just blurt them out whenever I think them'. He then nagged me for about twenty minutes to tell me what those things are and that now they're 'out there' I can't not tell him.

So I told him the thing - that I'm sick of listening to him moaning about being overweight and unfit but doing bugger all about it; and then constantly asking for my reassurance that he still looks ok, when actually, he does look unfit and overweight now.

Basically, he eats like a pig and doesn't do any exercise - he used to play rugby but had an injury and stopped - but carried on eating the same amount, which has meant he is now a fair bit overweight. And I've had to listen to him moaning about it for about ten years, since he got injured, but I always grit my teeth and just listen and nod. But last night I just thought sod it and out it all came. After my revelation I went to bed. This morning he was just all quiet and sad-looking.

And I'm feeling guilty. Am I a complete bitch? We don't usually argue at all so that's making me feel worse.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 04/03/2014 12:24

Belittling not befitting. Phone...

He's got to want to do better though. Perhaps you can have a proper discussion with him about your concerns with the emotion and heat of the argument removed? My dh didn't really get it till he saw me in floods and we talked it out properly. He's started walking to and from work most days and is seeing a dietician. I'm still waiting for the latter but it's all a start...

HelpfulChap · 04/03/2014 12:29

I have been a bit overweight (not obese but heavier that i want to be) for several years. I also used to moan about it while having a pint & packet of crisps on the sofa watching TV. It took the Doc reading me the riot act to change my diet & get more exercise.

Hopefully, your words might spur him into action.

I could give you the Dadsnet answer? Tell him if he loses weight he will get more.

Bumpsadaisie · 04/03/2014 12:34

I guess it depends how often you argue.

My DH tell each other if we annoy each other all the time. Its just how we are. It does mean we have conflict quite regularly but its not screaming howling conflict, just frankness.

Personally I think its better than never saying anything and bottling it all up.

DH and I get on really well and are really happy together. I think the fact that we can express all our feelings is helpful in that though it does mean that its not always sweetness and light in our house!

innisglas · 04/03/2014 12:35

Re PMT, not all solutions work for everyone, but my 12-year-old daughter had dreadful PMT and acupuncture was the remedy.

Lweji · 04/03/2014 12:44

Why don't you want to take ADs?

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 12:50

Lweji good question and I don't really know why. Just that it seems strange to have to constantly take heavy duty medication for a problem that comes and goes - and will presumably carry on for another 15 years or so... I dunno Blush

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 04/03/2014 12:53

I wouldn't feel bad about saying it. It's true. I am amazed you've kept it to yourself for 10 years.

He'll think it's his sex appeal though and that won't be good for his ego.

Hopefully it's the push he needs. I used to moan to my dh all the time about his lack of exercise because it's so unhealthy and also because of the mental health benefit of good exercise.

If this is as bad as you get I think he's a lucky man.

Kaluki · 04/03/2014 12:55

I don't think you were being mean.
I have often said the same thing to DP. He often moans on about how he's putting on weight but then he eats loads so I tell him straight. Stop Eating So Much Then!!! But I do say that I will love him whatever size he is too!
I can't be arsed with people who moan on and on about something but don't do anything to change it - like when people complain about their headache and then say they haven't taken a paracetamol!!!
As for the sex issue - you aren't a machine FFS and nagging at you is hardly the way to get you in the mood anyway.

As Jean says tell him to sort himself out!!

Hix · 04/03/2014 13:08

Depends on how you said it.

Was it like 'You fat fuck, you disgust me!' or something?

If not then I think it was fine to tell him. It's very frustrating to hear people moan about problems they are not willing to solve.

Lweji · 04/03/2014 13:12

For what it's worth I don't think you were that bad. You weren't actually complaining about his weight, but that he complains and does nothing.
But if PMT is a recurring problem, then why not try ADs, at least in a low dose to see if they help?
ADs are used for a range of different diseases, even chronic pain, neuropathic pain and, in some cases, dysmenorrhoea, snoring, migraines, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), substance abuse and sleep disorders (from Wikipedia).

Why not give it a go?

It could be something that you could act on (to at least see if it works) alongside your OH making an actual effort to lose weight.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 13:13

No I didn't say it like that! Grin

He doesn't actually look fat, I still think he looks gorgeous and I tell him that. He's v tall & well built so he carries the weight well. I don't care about him being overweight at all. I just get sick of him moaning about it and grabbing his belly fat and gesturing it at me going 'look at that, look at that!'....

OP posts:
matana · 04/03/2014 13:13

I've said much worse to my dh... not saying it's right, just that things get said in arguments that you wish had remained unsaid. He badgered you, you replied honestly.

Twinklestein · 04/03/2014 13:22

Have you thought about seeing a therapist twice a month in the weeks affected by PMT? You can go and talk through your anger and bad moods while you're in them. That really helped a friend of mine.

She found that having a place to legitimately express the negative emotions triggered by PMT a) stopped her being so ratty with the family and b) helped resolve some of the emotions thrown up by PMT overall.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 13:25

Twinkle that would be lovely - I can't think of anything better than a person to rant at whenever I feel like it - oh wait - that's my DH Blush

Seriously, I would love to have a therapist but assume they don't come cheap....

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2014 13:27

There's always MN. You can rant all you like.

Lweji · 04/03/2014 13:27

Or start a journal.

Original poster
heyfattyboomboom · 04/03/2014 13:30

Have just thought actually - maybe MN should start a new Topic, kind of like AIBU but not, where you can rant and moan about everything that's pissing you off and posters are only allowed to agree with you and be 100% on your side. I would call it IANBU Smile

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/03/2014 13:33

heyfbb you sound lovely! and this may be wrong, but your post and what you said to your DH made me laugh because it's just the sort of thing I would say to minebut I am a bit verbal and to be honest, he knows you love him - just show him your post from 13.13. - I thought that was so sweet

aw11 · 04/03/2014 13:35

He sounds like my gf....always going on about her weight, never doing anything about it. But then she's sexy as hell and knows it so doesn't need the re-assurance....

You're not a complete bitch for saying what he knows is the truth. It will have bruised his ego a bit though.

MerryMarigold · 04/03/2014 13:40

We don't usually argue at all so that's making me feel worse.

Ah, I think that is the nub of the problem. Healthy relationships need some arguments (I believe) unless you are both saints who either do no wrong or can take any form of criticism on the chin. When you live with someone there will be things that annoy you, and you need to say them if they are persistently annoying and something can be done about it.

So you have been thinking this for 10 years and not said anything. Shock I think bringing up this issue before now, at a time when you were feeling compassionate and kind, would have meant it didn't come out all wrong. Glad it is out there now though. He needs to know, and you needed to say it. Just probably not in that way.

Matildathecat · 04/03/2014 14:00

Op my friend suffered terribly and actually a low dose ant depressant helped a lot. Sometimes medicines have several different uses, look at aspirin, for example.

I agree, sit down and talk. Hopefully this will trigger him into making some changes. But as I say, don't give up on improving your pms.

Also, can you both make it a bit less personal by being clear you both dislike pms, not you, the person it afflicts IYSWIM?

Sparklysilversequins · 04/03/2014 14:02

I don't think you're a bitch. Sounds to me like he was in a massive rut been there myself and it was what he needed. He will probably thank you for it in a couple of months.

Beastofburden · 04/03/2014 14:09

Ho Ho, we are all such people pleasers.

So, he can moan about sex and PMT and not feel guilty afterwards.
But if you raise something, he does the beaten puppy look and you feel so guilty you go onto MN and risk AIBU?

You both raised something difficult; he ought to feel at least as guilty as he does.

Looking on the bright side, I have done the menopause now and I can tell you that it is brilliant the other side, no periods, no PMT, life is superb. Chin up, it will all stop one day.

As exercise does have an effect on both PMT and his lardy bum weight issues, why don't you both do some exercise? Together, even? as a joint solution to the issue that you have both identified?

Beastofburden · 04/03/2014 14:09

he does=you do, ffs i knew what I meant to say and then typed something else Grin

HelenHen · 04/03/2014 14:22

Aww how horrible... You both must be feeling really shitty today!

How about turning it into a positive... Tell him you'll do everything you can to sort out the pms/libido issue if he'll sort his weight. You can blame your outburst on the pms and say you don't really think that but it's worn you down that he does so he should do something!