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Original poster

New man kept one child a secret, not the other two. Do I run away now?

82 replies

findingmymarbles · 02/03/2014 19:07

I asked him at the very beginning how many kids he had. He said two, they live with their mother, he has them regularly.

Three weeks in I found out he has another one who lives with him full time. He says he didn't tell me as he didn't want me to be put off by the idea of a full time child, it was early days, he really liked me etc.

I have no problem with him looking after his own child himself, obviously. I have a massive problem with a lie this early on. Do I run now?

OP posts:
zippey · 03/03/2014 01:04

Give him a second chance. If you like him and forgive him. If you can't forgive and not that fussed about him, end it.

Or just go out with him for a but of fun.

FabBakerGirl · 03/03/2014 09:45

Please don't listen to zippey. That is daft advice.

FabBakerGirl · 03/03/2014 09:45

Zuppey has the daft advice, just to clarify.

Mine is amazing Grin.

Sidge · 03/03/2014 09:49

What was he going to do as the relationship progressed?

Lock his kid in a cupboard whenever you went round his?

Or wait until you were getting steamy on the sofa and jumped out of your skin as a child appears wailing "daddy"?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/03/2014 09:50

fideline had it:

normal men don't do this

normal men don't do this

'the only thing keeping me even vaguely half engaged is his behaviour previous to this revelation'

  • which you should absolutely NOT consider as anything approaching an excuse, as that behaviour is the 'best of', designed to impress, to reassure, to bring you closer. Never, never, never ignore red flags because 'he seems so nice, this man I hardly know'.

You hardly know him. The one dead cert thing you DO know is this. Run.

mummytime · 03/03/2014 10:17

I have a "friend" who has a secret child, well one you might well think didn't exist when you first know him. We have known him for 10+ years and the other week was the first time I heard his son's name pass his lips and that was in passing. On the other hand he readily offered his daughter to us as a babysitter quite early in our friendship.
We also know his wife (the mother of both his children). The family live about 100 yards away from us, and this son lives at home with them.

He is someone who I'm happy to consider a friend.

But in different circumstances would I consider him to be a "good bet" - no way. If he can deny his son, then there has to be something there.

BTW just being solvent is not enough for a relationship.

kentishgirl · 04/03/2014 11:27

I'm torn over this one. I'd want to understand a bit more about his motives - was he being sneaky, was he hiding something, or did he just make a very stupid decision. The complicated backstory could be a nightmare, something that's a problem for any relationship, or it's just struck me that perhaps the child has a disability and he's found women run for the hills.

No one expects full disclosure of every personal detail at the beginning. But he did tell you an actual lie when you asked how many children he had. That would bother me.

Ludways · 04/03/2014 11:55

I'd give him a chance tbh. He's maybe had bad experiences in the past.

Another lie? Ditch!

nauticant · 04/03/2014 13:17

Six months down the line he'll be "forgetting" about his extra girlfriend.

If he gets the boot, he'll be keep this situation in mind as a justification of why it's OK to keep one of his kids a secret. Because, you see, last time round when he "told" about the secret kid he got dumped. QED.

Ludways · 04/03/2014 13:44

He maybe thought it was just a couple of dates and didn't want to share too much personal stuff with you.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/03/2014 13:49

He maybe thought it was just a couple of dates and didn't want to share too much personal stuff with you.

:o

Yeah, I've often thought that I only know someone well enough to tell them about SOME of my children.

It takes a real level of trust to tell a person about ALL of your children.

It's a big step.

ProphetOfDoom · 04/03/2014 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ludways · 04/03/2014 17:09

Exactly schmaltz, some people are reluctant to share personal stuff early on.

purpleroses · 04/03/2014 17:14

I don't think it's quite the same for a man to admit he has a child living with him as it is for a woman.

For a woman who's split up with her ex it's considered normal for the children to be living with her. Whereas if a man says he has a child full-time people will very quickly ask why the child is not with the mother, which could lead on a to a whole load of issues you might not want to discuss very early in a relationship.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2014 17:18

When was he planning on finding out if you had a problem with it? How daft of him. I wouldn't be keen continuing tbh

Catsmamma · 04/03/2014 17:27

what's he doing with this child he lives with when he is out with you? Cling wrapping and fridging??

Or leaving said child with its live in mother? I'll be highly surprised if he is not shacked up with mother of child. I don't expect she understands him.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2014 17:35

Maybe he hires a babysitter like the rest of us do if we need childcare. I don't think him going out with OP makes him a neglectful parent.

purpleroses · 04/03/2014 17:56

I think some of the comments on this thread implying that a man who says he's a single parent with residency must in fact be lying about having a wife too he's not mentioned could illustrate one possible reason why he decided not to say.

Given that the OP's been checking him out on FB I would guess she's have supported a wife on girlfriend Confused

purpleroses · 04/03/2014 17:57

Sorry should read wife or girlfriend

superstarheartbreaker · 05/03/2014 07:36

He did come clean in the end though didnt he? Sounds a bit dodgy tbh.

LucyLasticBand · 05/03/2014 07:40

it is only 3 weeks, how many dates? perhaps he thought you would be put off?

LucyLasticBand · 05/03/2014 07:41

are you the FBI?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2014 07:46

He didn't come clean. The OP discovered his secret child on FB and confronted him

And what if she had been put off? Better she's put off when they are new and can cut ties without breaking stride. Than 6 months down the line when feelings are getting involved. What would he do then? Ditch the child?

Nah! He's queered his pitch!

OP it's so disappointing when you finally meet what seems like a good'un and they blow it! Good luck in your search

kentishgirl · 05/03/2014 11:08

a man who says he's a single parent with residency must in fact be lying about having a wife too he's not mentioned could illustrate one possible reason why he decided not to say.' -

no, a single parent man with a resident child is not that much of an eyebrow raiser - I know of a couple. I can't see who would leap to thinking a wife must also be living there.

A man who hides the fact that his child lives with him, raises the suspicion that it's not just the child he is hiding...

Two very different situations.

purpleroses · 05/03/2014 11:31

Kentishgirl - I wouldn't make the assumption that there must be a wife either. But several posters on this thread have assumed exactly that - so it might be reasonable to think that the OP's new BF would be concerned about having to explain his non-conventional set up.