New man kept one child a secret, not the other two. Do I run away now?

[findingmymarbles]

I asked him at the very beginning how many kids he had. He said two, they live with their mother, he has them regularly.

Three weeks in I found out he has another one who lives with him full time. He says he didn't tell me as he didn't want me to be put off by the idea of a full time child, it was early days, he really liked me etc.

I have no problem with him looking after his own child himself, obviously. I have a massive problem with a lie this early on. Do I run now?

[AccountDeactivated]

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[AccountDeactivated]

@Blackdog1620 this thread is eight years old. You’d need to start your own thread, use paragraphs. I can’t understand your post, but from what I can make out, sounds like your boy is shit.

[Blackdog1620]

General Advice.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 years. He and his 14 year old daughter moved into my house 3.5 years into the relationship. The house is mine but we jointly paid for the garage to be converted into 2 bedrooms. One for his daughter & the other for my daughter. We both split the cost of the conversion. Raising my own children ment when I started dating him. I was strongly attracted & felt safe with a man who was raising his daughter. What a great guy!. She very rarely went to stay at her mother's I was told by bother of them that her mother was not good to her. I excepted this on face value as I loved them both. Even though she was cold & distant unlike my own two. However we made it through during covid lock down with 3 kids. Things were difficult at times as my son has ADHD. On Thursday last week at 8.45 at night he announced he had another child a 10 year old daughter. Neither of them have mentioned not once??? He tells me rambert that very abusive relationship I was in I have a daughter. The mum is dead & the family want me too be involved. I said that's a beautiful name that's so sad & of course started to ask questions. It comes out that he has been meeting up with the aunt & uncle who have the child & they want him to have her for weekend. OK. So then this made me question why did u not tell me he said no answer I give you will explain things. I can't understand he has & brings up & one he lived with untill she was 2.5 & had no contact with. Why I asked you could have gone to court & got access as u are on her birth certificate??? He clamped up & shut me out. I became angry. As I do not know this man. He has lied to me kept me in the cold & will not allow me to try & understand. The next morning as I'm going to work. He announces its this weekend he is having his daughter & he is taking her away. Obviously I stated fuck u I'm off to work. He has cut me out of something I could have supported him with & would have if he told me when he new about it. He went away did not contact me at all. I text & said I do not know were u are (is it real is he cheating) so I called his daughter who lives with us no answer I leave message just asking her to call me I then message her. Is it true u have a sister? Have u heard fro. Your dad? I'm worried can u text & let me know if it's true...nothing. she has gone to uni. He returns as though nothing has happened. I can't look or talk to him. As I'm crushed I love him & thought we would grow old together. He then states will I go & stay some were as no pint in us not talking. I lost it. Said yes go if u that's what u want. U have lied & betraid me how can I ever trust u again?? You are not saying I love u I'm sorry let's talk & sort this out??? Nothing. His daughter met up with them he told me. I looked up the obituaries he was married to this women. I took my key & told him to get out of my house. He can contact me when he has somewhere & he can collect his stuff & the daughter that I helped bring up for 4 years. I just cannot get over it I'm in shock. Angry & broken by it all. Any advice

[GarlicMarchHare]

I ought to be stunned at the few replies saying 'poor love, give him another chance' ... With MN the way it is these days, I'm relieved it's only a few!

He considers it perfectly fine to keep secrets from you, even admitting he did it to manipulate you.

Should you hang in there? No!

[DarlingGrace]

You're the one FB stalking ... who is the weird one?

[AnandaTimeIn]

He is still in a relationship with the child's mother, of course

How do you jump to that conclusion?!

Yes, single fathers still get a rough deal, even on MN!

My DP is a single father - mother long gone, yes some women also leave their family, I worked with a woman who's mother left their dad with 5 young kids to run off with another man.

Mind you, it was one of the first things he told me when I met him. Being a SP myself it gave us an instant connection.

With this kind of lying about something so basic I would be very wary. Why don't you have a serious talk with him about why he lied by omission and ask for the back story.

Only then can you make up your mind how to proceed.

Mind you, I would find myself second-guessing anything he says (or doesn't) for evermore..... Not great for a long-term relationship.

Isn't FB great, you can immediately check someone out

[kentishgirl]

I don't think they were saying that at all though, purple roses. It is the secrecy that has made some think maybe there is still a wife. No one I've spotted has said that a man who told them he has
residency of a child would make them think he also had a wife. So fear of that concern isn't a reason not to tell.

[purpleroses]

Kentishgirl - I wouldn't make the assumption that there must be a wife either. But several posters on this thread have assumed exactly that - so it might be reasonable to think that the OP's new BF would be concerned about having to explain his non-conventional set up.

[kentishgirl]

a man who says he's a single parent with residency must in fact be lying about having a wife too he's not mentioned could illustrate one possible reason why he decided not to say.' -

no, a single parent man with a resident child is not that much of an eyebrow raiser - I know of a couple. I can't see who would leap to thinking a wife must also be living there.

A man who hides the fact that his child lives with him, raises the suspicion that it's not just the child he is hiding...

Two very different situations.

[BitOutOfPractice]

He didn't come clean. The OP discovered his secret child on FB and confronted him

And what if she had been put off? Better she's put off when they are new and can cut ties without breaking stride. Than 6 months down the line when feelings are getting involved. What would he do then? Ditch the child?

Nah! He's queered his pitch!

OP it's so disappointing when you finally meet what seems like a good'un and they blow it! Good luck in your search

[LucyLasticBand]

are you the FBI?

[LucyLasticBand]

it is only 3 weeks, how many dates? perhaps he thought you would be put off?

[superstarheartbreaker]

He did come clean in the end though didnt he? Sounds a bit dodgy tbh.

[purpleroses]

Sorry should read wife or girlfriend

[purpleroses]

I think some of the comments on this thread implying that a man who says he's a single parent with residency must in fact be lying about having a wife too he's not mentioned could illustrate one possible reason why he decided not to say.

Given that the OP's been checking him out on FB I would guess she's have supported a wife on girlfriend

[Fairenuff]

Maybe he hires a babysitter like the rest of us do if we need childcare. I don't think him going out with OP makes him a neglectful parent.

[Catsmamma]

what's he doing with this child he lives with when he is out with you? Cling wrapping and fridging??

Or leaving said child with its live in mother? I'll be highly surprised if he is not shacked up with mother of child. I don't expect she understands him.

[BitOutOfPractice]

When was he planning on finding out if you had a problem with it? How daft of him. I wouldn't be keen continuing tbh

[purpleroses]

I don't think it's quite the same for a man to admit he has a child living with him as it is for a woman.

For a woman who's split up with her ex it's considered normal for the children to be living with her. Whereas if a man says he has a child full-time people will very quickly ask why the child is not with the mother, which could lead on a to a whole load of issues you might not want to discuss very early in a relationship.

[Ludways]

Exactly schmaltz, some people are reluctant to share personal stuff early on.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

He maybe thought it was just a couple of dates and didn't want to share too much personal stuff with you.

:o

Yeah, I've often thought that I only know someone well enough to tell them about SOME of my children.

It takes a real level of trust to tell a person about ALL of your children.

It's a big step.

[Ludways]

He maybe thought it was just a couple of dates and didn't want to share too much personal stuff with you.

[nauticant]

Six months down the line he'll be "forgetting" about his extra girlfriend.

If he gets the boot, he'll be keep this situation in mind as a justification of why it's OK to keep one of his kids a secret. Because, you see, last time round when he "told" about the secret kid he got dumped. QED.

[Ludways]

I'd give him a chance tbh. He's maybe had bad experiences in the past.

Another lie? Ditch!