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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling a but stupid

21 replies

noslimbody · 02/03/2014 14:19

because, thanks to MN I worked out that h is an abusive arse, but he is still here. He is holding me hostage over his debt. He says he can not leave until it is all paid off. Also that the debt is in fact mind and I have to pay it. After I told him that I disagree and will have to seek advice before I commit to a debt in his name, he has said that he will pay it. But that he can not leave until it has already been paid.
I just feel so stuck, there is nothing I can do about it, except pay it off, but I don't have £3000. Also while he said he would pay it off, he has bought himself stuff such as a new ipad and macbook.

OP posts:

Original poster

noslimbody · 02/03/2014 14:20

sorry mine not mind..

OP posts:

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 14:28

How can people give you any advice when you provide so few details?

Original poster

noslimbody · 02/03/2014 14:38

Fine, will have to wait till later

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 02/03/2014 14:50

Whose name is the debt in?
Who owns the house?

Timetofly · 02/03/2014 15:08

Have you been to see a solicitor? If not, you need to do that.

Original poster

noslimbody · 02/03/2014 15:16

The debt is in his name and the house is rented.
The reason the debt is in his name is because he wanted to have control over all finances because apparently I can't cope with money (no evidence of this by the way, and I managed fine before I married him) Until a while ago I did not have a bank account and he refused to put the bank account that all money went into (including child benefit) into in joint names. This is the bank account with all the debt on it now. He says it is because I opened my own bank account for child benefit and my pt job. But it is because he spends money before I know it is there, and since I am responsible for bills and have to use his bank account to pay them, therefore the fact that he has an overdraft is my fault.
He also gets child tax credits, which I need sometimes to buy children's clothes when they need them. Apparently I am therefore responsible for all his debt. I also have to manage the food shop from his bank account, therefore again I am responsible for the over draft. He on the other hand is extravagant with his money, buying expensive gifts for other people, and spending on technology, rather than household costs.
If I have any money in my purse he takes it because apparently I owe him money therefore he is entitled to it.
There is other stuff too, such as what I now know to be sexual abuse, so shoving and pushing, "accidentally" bumping into me, unwanted slapping of my bottom and also groping. He considers it is his marital right to sexually touch me whether I want it or not. And my duty to allow him.

OP posts:

DarlingGrace · 02/03/2014 15:18

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1977412-I-had-a-row-with-husband

but this one has all the details

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2009216-STBXH-says-I-have-to-pay-all-debt

Do yourself a massive favour - call womens aid and get rid of this abuser once and for all. You do not have to pay his debts off

LavenderGreen14 · 02/03/2014 15:21

you are not responsible for debt in his name - and also you need to get the tax credits paid into your bank account not his.

Call Women's Aid like Darling said and get the hell away.

Original poster

noslimbody · 02/03/2014 16:25

I know I should phone Womens Aid, and almost did yesterday, well I did but had to wait on the line. Also mobiles will be charged for dialling them and I don't know where the landline phones are because he has hidden them both. He gets my phone bill itemised (but not his) and so he will know if I have phoned them. Also I have to keep within free minutes, or else he gets angry.
I will try to find the landline phones tomorrow, but he now keeps the spare room locked so they must be in there.

OP posts:

Original poster

noslimbody · 02/03/2014 16:28

The worst part is that on some level I think my situation is not that bad, and I don't deserve to take up time that could go to someone else. Also if I phone Women's Aid, people will know, it might come out when h becomes physical with me again. He hasn't been for a while, and I don't want that to start again

OP posts:

Groovee · 02/03/2014 16:30

Go to a payphone and call from there. Phone tax credits and child benefit and re route the payments to a bank account of yours. Then when you leave cancel the joint tax credits claim and make a single one.

wherethewildthingis · 02/03/2014 16:32

Just read that last post back and imagine you are someone else reading it. What would your advice be? He sounds truly and shockingly awful. What real life support do you have?

LavenderGreen14 · 02/03/2014 17:12

If you phone them they will get you away from him then he won't be able to get physical with you again will he.

and your situation is very bad, and you do deserve help and support from them.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 17:15

OP The worst part is that on some level I think my situation is not that bad

Based on what you describe it's very, very bad.

LEMmingaround · 02/03/2014 17:19

The debt is in his name - not yours, it is not your debt, do not pay a penny. Is it a privately rented house? Whose name is on the rentbook? TAlk to tax credits because a friend of mine was in a situation where she was living with a cock-lodger of a DP who wouldn't move out. He was working, but basically drinking all the money and gambling - she came to the end of her rope, she phone tax credits and told them the situation, said that they were not living as a couple and she was advised to put in a claim as a single person, which she did, this went on for quite some time but she has finally, thank god, managed to make him move out. That would be a start - he is being financially abusive by not allowing you access to money, and the other stuff is just horrible. Do ring women's aid.

Remember to delete your internet history

RandomMess · 02/03/2014 17:26

You need womans aid very very much in deed. Do you have dc? Do you have any family you can go to?

Rhubarbcrumbled · 02/03/2014 17:59

Your situation is very very bad and you need to contact women's aid. The debt is not in your name and you are not responsible for it.

Logg1e your post was bloody awful. Just nasty.

Floggingmolly · 02/03/2014 18:04

If the debt is in his name he cannot force you to pay it for him. Neither does he need to continue living with you while he repays it himself . You must know this, really, just like you must know you need to leave.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 06/03/2014 11:29

I can't believe that people have put Leeds Leeds Leeds on the list

I grew up in Dover, so that goes on the list for me. Along with Folkestone, Ashford & Thanet.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 06/03/2014 11:29

Sorry wrong thread.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/03/2014 12:29

Absolutely go to a pay phone - it's a free number so call from there.
If you can't find one then go to your local police station.
Ask to speak to someone from the DV unit and they will be able to give you immediate help.

You need some support in RL as well.
Do you have any friends and family that could help you get out?

His treatment of you is appalling and Womens Aid will recognise this and help you.

Flip