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Original poster

What is gas lighting?

15 replies

AtSea1979 · 01/03/2014 12:29

I think I do this but don't understand how it differs from just simply having a different opinion and voicing it.
My DP hit me and tried to force himself on me in the past 2 weeks. He has moved out now but only a few doors away.
I'm pretty sure I has lighted him in to being so aggressive towards me but I don't do it deliberately, I'm just hard work and argumentative without trying.

OP posts:
kyotokate · 01/03/2014 12:34

A form of mental abuse Gaslighting

fusspot66 · 01/03/2014 12:42

Please don't blame yourself. Your partner chose to hit you and be sexually abusive. be glad he's gone. keep him out. its not you its him.

Redoubtable · 01/03/2014 12:44

Ah.......what now?

You cannot 'gaslight' someone into hitting you- that is a choice he made
You cannot 'gaslight' someone into forcing himself on you- that is a choice he made.

You are never, never, never, never responsible for him being aggressive towards you.

'I'm just hard work and argumentative without trying' would suggest to me that you are being gaslighted....

You sound like you are being abused

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/03/2014 14:12

Oh, looking at that link it is nothing like I thought. I assumed it meant causing an argument unnecessarily. Lighting the fuse then standing back. Not denying things happened etc. I just seem to light fuses without even trying. Simple things i say seem to cause DP to be angry.

OP posts:
Whathaveiforgottentoday · 01/03/2014 14:31

It is not your fault your DP is angry. You should not blame yourself for the fact he hit you. Other people can manage to be angry without the need to hit another person. The fault for this lies with him and him alone.
It sounds like you need to say things that he doesn't like. He then blames the fact that he doesn't like it on you bring it up. This is emotional and physical abuse.

fusspot66 · 01/03/2014 19:01

How are you this evening? Just checking back to see if you've had much support. There's a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." I think it might help you see how you've been manipulated into walking on eggshells and accepting abuse.

justiceofthePeas · 01/03/2014 19:39

Yy to reading Lundy.

And if you are.mystified as to why he was angry he was probably angry because he wanted to be. do not blame yourself.

Rooners · 01/03/2014 19:44

It sounds like you have the sort of dp around whom you have to walk on eggshells.

That's not good. It's very frightening. I've been there.

You are probably not saying anything a normal person would react to in that way.

It is him, not you - I'd bet money on it if I was the betting kind Smile

Don't let him back into your home or your life. Please. He actually tried to rape you and you're blaming yourself.

I'd be contacting the police tbh - just to log it, if nothing else - they won't approach him unless you wish them to. But if he ever does anything similar in future, they will have a record of what he did to you.

oldgrandmama · 01/03/2014 19:46

I'm reading Lundy Bancroft's book right now - it's amazingly good and I can't recommend it enough. Not that I'm in a violent relationship, but happily alone. I was just interested as so many MNs mentioned it. Read it, OP.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/03/2014 23:21

Ok I will have a look for the book on amazon tomorrow. Thank you so much for the support, it really helps me to stay stronger.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 07:19

Gaslighting refers to maliciously trying to convince a victim they are remembering things wrong. If you'd been gaslighted he would have assaulted you and now be telling you that you'd actually had a lovely time together.... convincing you that you'd made the whole thing up.

What you're describing is straightforward criminal behaviour, assault, sexual assault, criminal violence etc. Please call the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 07:36

BTW... reading a book isn't going to stop him coming back and assaulting you again.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 07:41

Nor is going to the police, sadly.

But you should report his assaults and attempted rapes.

Be careful and cut all contact with him. It's not your fault.

monkeynuts123 · 02/03/2014 11:20

Oh dear he's got you good and proper hasn't he. He's probably gaslighting you if anything. Physical violence is a criminal offence, gaslighting isn't. Let that guide you in your next steps.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 14:09

Just read the previous thread.

Do ring WA. They can find you a refuge place for you to be safe.
And keep reporting him. Ask to talk to a DV unit, or ring them directly.
If you can't bring yourself to phone, at least send them an e-mail.

As he tried to rape you, you could also call Rape Crisis 0808 802 9999.

You should also ring NCDV 0844 8044 999 to get an injunction saying he can't go near you. He might be forced to move elsewhere instead of 3 doors down.

If you can, make sure you have people with you at all times.
I used to carry insect repellent with me as a substitute for mace, and hold my keys as a knife when I was entering home, in case exH was lurking.

And keep in mind that none of this is your fault.

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