Caught up in the middle of someone else's affair

[FeelingOrange]

Hello ladies,

I've found myself in the middle of a messy situation and I'm not entirely sure how to handle this. It's quite a long story so please bare with me.

The gist of it is that I knew my friend's husband was having an affair and didn't say anything. In a soap opera style turn of events, she found out about the affair and knows that I knew about it.

The problem is that I work for her husband. She is married to a wealthy, successful bloke and helped me get a job as an assistant at his firm a few months ago. He was having an affair with another woman I worked with. We went on a business trip and I saw them together at the hotel bar kissing. They both knew that I saw them because he confronted me and told me it was nothing, begged me not to tell his wife. The 'OW' on the other hand didn't seem to care. I was pretty friendly with her before I found out and she told me quite a bit of detail.

I was really sickened by this but kept quiet. Yes, I'm a horrid person but I was scared of losing my job, I have my own family to think about as well. I also didn't want to get involved in their relationship and cause any unnecessary trouble.

Anyway, shit hit the fan as they say when he broke it off with the OW (no idea why). She went berserk and told his wife. She even told her that everybody in the office (including me) knew about it and was laughing behind her back. Awful.

So now his wife has confronted me and is furious that I didn't tell her. She says that our friendship is over.

I'm in such an uncomfortable position because I still have to see her husband on a daily basis and it's extremely awkward. I also feel so guilty about not saying anything and losing a good friend.

Is there any way that I can make amends? I want to leave the job as soon as I can, but how can I make it up to my friend?

"Joinyourplayfellows does have a valid point. I personally wouldn't be able to forgive a friend for this"

No she doesn't, she is completely off the rails on this thread.

The more sanguine on here know that most people wouldn't forgive a friend In this situation no matter what she did, and it was a completely no win situation.

Well , I think she does . If you personally would forgive your friend , that's up to you . But I wouldn't . I'd expect my friend to have some loyalty to me instead of agreeing with my husband to hide it . And listening to ow while she told her details ? That's just too much .

I think in this situation you're damned if you do and damned if you don't OP. I was in a similar situation years ago. I chose to tell the wife and as the messenger was shot down and she stayed with her cheating husband, who went on to have more affairs and eventually left her for the OW. He was eventually cheated on by his new wife/former OW. Karma and all that.

I don't really understand the assumption that the messenger will be shot . How many people on this thread would fall out with a friend for telling them about an affair ? If you wouldn't shoot the messenger , why presume your friend would ?

I have told a friend , who chose to continue regardless , but it didn't affect our friendship . I've also told a ow husband who was very glad to be told.

Then badbalding, you have been fortunate to never be put into the cheating 'arena'. People have told, time and again, on this thread and others, that the embarrassment is compounded when they find out that people know when the cheated-on would rather not acknowledge it.

Being put into this situation is horrible. If the people IN the marriage refuse to be 'friends' of it (stupid term!), what on earth is somebody supposed to do when their job is at stake?

I don't believe a single person who says that they would put a friendship over their family - not ONE. I wouldn't - said friend may be so angry/embarrassed/cuckolded that she can't bear my friendship because I told her. Who does that serve exactly?

If I were OP, I'd ditch the friendship now because it will never be anything worth having even if the wife does 'come around'. "Shoot the messenger" is not a myth, no matter how many people like to proclaim it so.

If I were the wife in this instance (and I have been), I would be feeling bloody ashamed of my husband that he puts an employee in this position - two of them, if you count the OW - and I'd focus my attention and anger on that cheating arse, not lash out against a friend. The wife is not much of a friend to the OP. Apology not good enough? Fine - sort yourself out then.

I have been put in that position lying , I'd tell a friend again if the need arose and I'd expect the same.

Fair enough, bbb, but not everybody feels the same and we have to accept that. It's awkward because it's not the sort of conversation that you'd have before the event.

Imagine, chatting over a cup of tea and saying, "So, if your husband were cheating, would you want me to tell you or should I keep it quiet?"

I'd rather that my husband told me than anybody else do it. I'm never convinced that the motivation behind somebody else telling isn't a bit of schadenfreude, I think it very often is. Perhaps that colours my views but we all have views and nobody's view is wrong, it's just possibly different.

Maybe we need one of those ICE facilities on our phones... modified for 'In case of affair' - tell me/keep quiet.

Maybe a medic-alert thingie?

The point I'm making is that nobody knows what the cheated on person would want unless they've discussed it. Applying one's own wishes isn't foolproof by any stretch.

OP has done nothing wrong, she inadvertently walked into a horrible situation. In her shoes, i would not have said anything.

Taking care of your family is anyone's number one priority. Friends came come and go

I can appreciate that the job makes things more difficult but there is often a middle ground between dashing off to tell the wife and agreeing to keep it quiet .

In this scenario where h was begging me not to say anything I probably would have said that it wasn't fair and had put me in a very uncomfortable position and i would now be looking for another job . I'd also say I would have to explain my reasons for giving up a perfectly good job to my husband who might have his own opinions on it.

There is absolutely no way I would listen to ow telling me details . It's not hard to say look x , you know y is my best friend and its really not ok for you to discuss this with me.

The more sanguine on here know that most people wouldn't forgive a friend In this situation no matter what she did,

On what basis is that something that you know? (and don't bother trying to pretend you are among the sanguine. You are banging your usual "People owe each other NOTHING" drum.)

I don't believe that many people would believe there was anything to forgive if the OP had taken steps to remove herself from the situation and had tried to put herself in a position to be honest with her friend.

Why would anyone be angry that a friend didn't want to lie to them and took steps to make sure they didn't have to?

The idea that women are so completely crazy when cheated on that they behave irrationally and start blaming people who are trying to help them is kind of a load of bullshit.

The only people who ever trot is out are people who believe that people don't owe each other any kindness and the right thing to do in all situations is suit yourself.

bbb, I would say that too. I absolutely wouldn't want to be complicit by listening to any of OW's views on the matter.

I would possibly say to the husband (because I would rather hear it from my own) - "Look, I know, you know I know, this is an impossible situation. You have to tell your wife, my friend, and I'll give you one week to do it or I will have to tell her - she'd rather hear it from you". I think that's exactly what I would say.

I actually was in this position some years ago where my then boss started a 'fling' with somebody in the office. It was awful, horrendous. He was desperate to talk about his new shag and she was strutting around. I was away on a course when he decided to come clean to the office (but NOT his wife) - I told him that I didn't want to hear it, that he needed to keep it out of the office and away from his employees.

His wife used to ring up (not often) but I knew her quite well. I wasn't there when she found out and rang the office... the first thing she wanted to know was how many knew...

My poor colleague, she took the call...

Oh give over, Join. Some women are absolutely beside themselves when they find out and WILL lash out. Stop generalising all over the thread. The way you handle it isn't the way I would and the way I would isn't the same as the way somebody else would.

I didn't see anything wrong with LazyJaney's post? Who are you to say what she is and isn't?

This is an interesting topic; unrelated to OW for a change, and you're making it extremely personal and uncomfortable.

The thing is Join - I agree with you, I most certainly would want to be told myself.

But it's one of those things that everyone has a view on how they would want it played out in theory, but it's an entirely different kettle of fish when it actually happens to you.

Yes, I'd step in if someone was being attacked in broad daylight!

I'd tell a man to back-off if I witnessed a DV incident in public.

The thread currently running in AIBU about a MIL sanding by her DH whose been convicted of child abuse charges - again, in theory, everyone claims they'd have nothing more to do with such a person, and yet what actually happens in real life seems to be a great deal more complex.

Yes, if my DH was cheating, I can say quite categorically that I would want to know. If I found out that my best friend of 35 years' DH was cheating on her (someone who I know inside out) - yes, I would tell her, but I would absolute loathe being given the knowledge, and having to be put in the place of having to make that decision.

With telling someone, comes turning their world upside down. It's not you who's turning their world upside down, but you're certainly flipping the switch that begins the process.

Like you, I also see telling someone as a 'kindness'. But that is very much open to interpretation as it assumes the person you're telling is emotionally equipped to deal with the fall out and move on from the status quo. As it is, there are too many variables and many people may not be ready or willing to change the status quo.

I think your friend feels betrayed by you because she was the one who helped you to get this job. I don't really think you had a strong friendship otherwise you would have left it or asked her DH to stop doing it. I don't think a long message will improve things. Of course you could ask what she would do in this situation? Because you still work for her husband it would be risky to write anything. Once you find a job then you can send an email or ask to meet her.

I wonder if the OP would have a case for constructive dismissal if continuing in her job has become untenable?

Haven't read all the posts, I confess, but what a horrible position to have been put in. Even if your job hadn't depended on her husband it is not easy to tell someone that their husband is having an affair and not everyone is grateful for the information.

Yet at the same time, I would feel like your friend, I think because you like to think that you are the person closest to your husband/partner, so it is pretty awful to find out that the whole world knew the truth except for you.

They both knew that I saw them because he confronted me and told me it was nothing, begged me not to tell his wife.

If his wife was my friend, I absolutely would tell her. I would give him the chance to tell her first but I would not keep it a secret from her.

If I was the wife and my friend kept this secret from me, I wouldn't consider them a friend.