Caught up in the middle of someone else's affair

[FeelingOrange]

Hello ladies,

I've found myself in the middle of a messy situation and I'm not entirely sure how to handle this. It's quite a long story so please bare with me.

The gist of it is that I knew my friend's husband was having an affair and didn't say anything. In a soap opera style turn of events, she found out about the affair and knows that I knew about it.

The problem is that I work for her husband. She is married to a wealthy, successful bloke and helped me get a job as an assistant at his firm a few months ago. He was having an affair with another woman I worked with. We went on a business trip and I saw them together at the hotel bar kissing. They both knew that I saw them because he confronted me and told me it was nothing, begged me not to tell his wife. The 'OW' on the other hand didn't seem to care. I was pretty friendly with her before I found out and she told me quite a bit of detail.

I was really sickened by this but kept quiet. Yes, I'm a horrid person but I was scared of losing my job, I have my own family to think about as well. I also didn't want to get involved in their relationship and cause any unnecessary trouble.

Anyway, shit hit the fan as they say when he broke it off with the OW (no idea why). She went berserk and told his wife. She even told her that everybody in the office (including me) knew about it and was laughing behind her back. Awful.

So now his wife has confronted me and is furious that I didn't tell her. She says that our friendship is over.

I'm in such an uncomfortable position because I still have to see her husband on a daily basis and it's extremely awkward. I also feel so guilty about not saying anything and losing a good friend.

Is there any way that I can make amends? I want to leave the job as soon as I can, but how can I make it up to my friend?

Ive been in a similar situation to your friend in that a very long standing friend saw cheating and didnt tell me. I didnt blame her for what my ex had done, and I dont think thats what is going on here, I simply didnt trust her any more and there was no coming back from that - the friendship was over. There is nothing you can do, it was a difficult situation but I think going forward she will probably lean on friends whose integrity she can rely on.

BTW OP. If you had told your friend what was going on she would still be hopping mad at you. You wouldn't have told her quickly enough or she'd have found some other way in which you, being on the spot, had let her down. That's why you take a step back. Nothing you do, did or could have done would have been 'the right thing' here.

^^
Spot on.

Everyone says they would want to be told, but most shoot the messenger.

TBH you're better off in the short term if her husband, your boss, thinks you can be trusted.

This will sound harsh but: you already made the choice between the job and the friendship.
You chose the job.
A friend wouldn't keep that information to herself.
I hate the crap about "wife would prefer not to know". Time and time again on here people say no, I wanted / would want to know. Ignorance is hardly bliss.

You're talking now about looking for another job... So, when it's uncomfortable for you, you'll look elsewhere - but you didn't care enough about your friend, and being able to hell her, to look for a job before.

I know that's harsh - but whilst saying it, I understand. I might have done the same myself.

But you have to own that you made that choice. If I got flowers and a big letter full of excuses, I'd tell you to f* off, frankly.
I would just leave it to saying "sorry".

I think you're right that you're the scapegoat for her anger. Especially if she's staying with him.

Say sorry, back off, and hope that she valued your friendship enough to approach you in the future. But I wouldn't, I wouldn't trust you to be on my side.

I know you were in an awful position - but that's the facts. Apologise, and accept that these are the consequences.

OP, I have been there on both sides of this.

Many years ago, my h's business partner whose wife I socialised with aside from work (toddler groups etc) actually snogged a visiting intern to the company about a foot away from me in a crowded pub. I still havent forgotten the horror of seeing it. It made me feel physically ill. I made some kind of comment to them both, which obviously wasnt harsh enough as this affair clearly continued the entire 6 months she was there. I struggled very hard with what to do but I did nothing. This couple had five kids and are still together, so looking back on it I am pretty certain I did the right thing although not totally sure.

My h (now Twunt ex) virtually led a double life with OW for probably 3 years until I finally got the evidence and kicked him out. During the time of the affair he became more and more abusive, mentally and physically. If someone who knew had told me during that time he had OW it would have saved me and my DC's a lot of suffering. I would have been incredibly grateful for their courage.

My conclusion is that all instances are different and their is never a "right" answer. I do think however that not telling because of basically financial considerations - "its my job" is not acceptable. No one could get sacked for this. I hate the conspiracy of silence that allows men to sh*t on their wives. That is why I am still not comfortable with my decision all those years ago, even though on the surface it seems the right one.

Have to say, I am with cabrinha but understand many will see that as harsh.

We don't know the wife WOULD have shot the messenger. Not all do. She might have been mad at the time, confronted husband and then thanked her friend for being so loyal, especially as it was such an awkward position. She might already have suspected it and lacked proof. We don't know.

Was there a right answer? Either way could have resulted in the loss of the friendship. But I would personally find it easier to sleep at night if I had been loyal to my friend over my boss. I know some people say it's more about putting family first but I'm not sure I agree. I'm afraid I see it as putting money over my friendship and that sound pretty rotten. Had you just SEEN something I might have thought differently but the shitty husband actually ASKED you not to tell and basically to side with him over your friend. And you did.

The outcome may well have been the same had you said something, ie the lost friendship.

I don't think sending flowers and a long note right now is a good idea. Yes, her husband is a shit and behaved badly and she is hurting. But at the same time she's hurting because her friend knew and chose the job she's had for a couple of months over presumably many years of close friendship. Flowers ain't gonna help.

Having been the 'wife' in that situation I wish someone had told me, I would not have shot the messenger - when the truth came out I knew my H was 100% responsible for his actions, I felt nothing towards the OW, I could have approached her etc etc but I worked hard to maintain my dignity but yes, I wish those in the know (not my close friends I hasten to add) had had the guts to tell me.

I don't think you should be grovelling OP. You've said you're sorry and if she doesn't want to accept, there's precious little you can do.

Don't send her a note, whatever you do. Sounds like she's staying put, so she'll probably show it to her husband and you'll find yourself in an even more awkward situation.

I would leave her be and let her take the lead in rebuilding the friendship.

Something else to throw in...
You think she's staying with him, yes?
Not only did he cheat, but he didn't even have the shame to be discreet, and it wasn't some deep connection - he chucked OW. And he didn't care that his wife's friend could easily find out.

So I'd put a pound on your friend knowing that she is a fool to stay with him. She is probably ashamed and embarrassed to be around you, who knows what a fool she's being.

I feel for her, I don't mean to insult her - I've been that fool. But - she is a fool, and I bet she knows it. Extra humiliation that you know it too.

YY to the humiliation aspect Cabrinha. That's why I say the OP would still be in the doghouse regardless. The DW may frantically be trying to brush all this under the carpet but the OP knows.....

I think what the OW said about everyone in the office knowing and laughing at the wife behind her back would have been particularly hurtful.

I'd want to reassure her on this - if you honestly can. Tell her that you didn't discuss it with anyone and to your knowledge there was no gossiping and certainly no laughing.

That would be worth writing a letter about - flowers would most likely end up in the bin.

I'd leave it entirely up to her to approach you in future. She's already rejected your overtures and I think you will be forever associated with something that has caused her immense pain.

OP... how did the DW find out you knew? Who told her?

I agree with Cogito and Bonsoir - also Chanson.

This whole sorry mess is at your boss's door, not yours. I would definitely leave your friend alone for now. I assume you've said that you were in an awkward position, which really should be quite obvious to her given that she helped get you the job.

When her anger is abated she may come around. You can show the strength of your friendship by accepting hers again if you want to. Despite what many women say about wanting to know, "Shooting the messenger" is so commonplace that everybody knows the saying. It's easy to say you wouldn't when it's never happened to you before or been long in retrospect.

You are NOT responsible for this mess and don't let anybody put it on you - not the wife, the husband or anybody. Their relationship has intruded on your life and it shouldn't have. Be professional and utterly distant from them.

Second thoughts, don't send the note. Let her come to you if/when she's ready. Right now she's humiliated and no doubt feeling a bit raw.

However in the end, especially if she stays with him, you not telling her may not be the issue but you just knowing he cheated might be. Lying to herself and others about the shit she's married to will be a lot harder if people know and your friendship may be sacrificed to keep up the pretence.

Ouch. This isn't your fault at all. You were damned if you did, damned if you didn't.

I can tell you how she felt I think. When I found out about H's affair I was obviously devestated and furious - but no-one I knew well knew about it (so I thought) so that particular humiliation was avoided. 3 months later I was at a party and a friend's dd approached me and told how she couldn#'t beleive H had done it, how he must be a fool etc. I was frozen to the spot as I began to trace all the possible routes the info must have taken to reach her and realised quite a few people knew and were gossiping. Kick to the guts!

She is punishing you for his transgression and for the humilation she feels. I hope she will get over it soon - I am sure she will. I think a note explaining that you understand how hurt she is but laying out the difficult position you were in. Tell her you are sorry and that when/if she needs your support and friendship you will be there. Then leave it xx

If she was leaving him, then i'd would try to make amends and support her.

But if shes staying with him, then i wouldnt bother, you'll just be victim of the resentment she should be giving her H, its not your responsibility to stop him having an affair, and tbh, if you did tell her, he'd just weasel out of it, and you'd still be down a friend, your better off out of it.

I think the OP's getting quite a hard time.

Yes as a wife, maybe you would want to know, and had OP not been working for the cheating scumbag maybe she would have told his wife but her job was on the line here; I don't blame her for putting her own welfare first.

If she'd told the wife then yes, she may not have lost her friend but she could have found herself unexpectedly up shit creek without a paddle when she got fired and I'm bloody sure she would have been.

I'm starting to now think she should leave well alone.

I have to leave this job, I feel so uncomfortable with my boss because of this. Although, I can't leave until I secure another position, so it may take a while

It's weird that you only feel so uncomfortable NOW that you want to leave the job.

When you knew that your friend (who you had to thank for getting you the job in the first place) was being cheated on by her bastard of a husband, you didn't feel uncomfortable enough to start looking for a new job, did you?

This was months ago. You could have extricated yourself from that position long ago if it meant that much to you.

But it didn't.

You chose your job over your friendship, and no she will never forgive you for that.

And no more should she.

You've been found wanting when she needed you most.

It's early days and eventually she might ged rid of the arse. However, if she does stay then it is very likely she would have 'Shot the messenger' if you had told her and then you could be unemployed with no reference have been in a really shit position.

You could have tried to leave your job and THEN told her.

But you didn't.

You just decided to look out for your own interests and sold her down the river.

She knows that and she'd be mad to ever let you into her life again, regardless of what she chooses to do with her husband.

He slept with someone else, but he's her husband so maybe they'll rebuild it.

You betrayed her just as much by putting your job (a job that SHE GOT YOU) ahead of your friendship.

Now she knows where she stands with you - nowhere basically.

JoinYourPlayfellows, wow, just wow!

The thing about other peoples marriages is you have no idea what happens in them, his wife may have had an inkling, who knows! Weird that the wife appears to have chosen to get past her cheating H and he's the one who made the vows and did the cheating.

The OP was in a very difficult position and probably with hindsight she made the right decision.

I think you're being excessively harsh JoinYourPlayfellows. Friendship is one thing but money's money and a job's a job. The OP wasn't being asked to do anything illegal or criminal. She didn't 'sell anyone down the river'. She didn't betray anyone but simply stayed out of a private domestic matter. If she'd piped up chances are the boss and the DW... who are still together don't forget - would have closed ranks, treated her as an awkward obstacle and she'd be out on her ear. Now it's all out in the open it is embarrassing for all concerned so there's no double-standards about finding new employment.

She wasn't in a difficult position.

There was a clear right and wrong in terms of what was happening and she just ignored it so she could keep her job.

This woman was her FRIEND.

She only had the sodding job because of her.

And yet she colluded in the deception and humiliation of this friend and took NO STEPS to get out of the position she was in.

If she had really found the position that intolerable, why didn't she start looking for new jobs months ago?

She had a lot of options, but she chose the one that was all about what was least troublesome for her and she didn't give a fuck about what was best for her friend.

And she didn't make the best decision, because she owes that job to her friend and if they reconcile the job is probably on the line anyway.