Caught up in the middle of someone else's affair

[FeelingOrange]

Hello ladies,

I've found myself in the middle of a messy situation and I'm not entirely sure how to handle this. It's quite a long story so please bare with me.

The gist of it is that I knew my friend's husband was having an affair and didn't say anything. In a soap opera style turn of events, she found out about the affair and knows that I knew about it.

The problem is that I work for her husband. She is married to a wealthy, successful bloke and helped me get a job as an assistant at his firm a few months ago. He was having an affair with another woman I worked with. We went on a business trip and I saw them together at the hotel bar kissing. They both knew that I saw them because he confronted me and told me it was nothing, begged me not to tell his wife. The 'OW' on the other hand didn't seem to care. I was pretty friendly with her before I found out and she told me quite a bit of detail.

I was really sickened by this but kept quiet. Yes, I'm a horrid person but I was scared of losing my job, I have my own family to think about as well. I also didn't want to get involved in their relationship and cause any unnecessary trouble.

Anyway, shit hit the fan as they say when he broke it off with the OW (no idea why). She went berserk and told his wife. She even told her that everybody in the office (including me) knew about it and was laughing behind her back. Awful.

So now his wife has confronted me and is furious that I didn't tell her. She says that our friendship is over.

I'm in such an uncomfortable position because I still have to see her husband on a daily basis and it's extremely awkward. I also feel so guilty about not saying anything and losing a good friend.

Is there any way that I can make amends? I want to leave the job as soon as I can, but how can I make it up to my friend?

Friendship is one thing but money's money and a job's a job.

How lovely.

So you would collude in your friend's humiliation for money?

There are other jobs.

She could have started looking for a new job months ago.

If she really gave a shit.

Clearly she didn't.

If they reconcile, the friend will get her sacked. If she'd blabbed she'd have been sacked by the boss. When you're in a no-win situation 'least said, soonest mended'. I'd still like to know how the DW knows that the OP knew. Wherever that information came from, someone is shit-stirring.

"So you would collude in your friend's humiliation for money?"

I wouldn't scupper my family for the sake of a friend, no.

I'd still like to know how the DW knows that the OP knew. Wherever that information came from, someone is shit-stirring.

The OW told her that everyone in the office knew.

When you're in a no-win situation 'least said, soonest mended'.

It wasn't a no-win situation if she had any loyalty at all to the woman she pretended was a friend.

As soon as she found out what was going on she should have taken steps to leave the job so she wasn't involved in her friend's humiliation.

That's what a decent person and proper friend would do.

Not wring their hands and pretend they had no choice but to join in the humiliating.

I wouldn't scupper my family for the sake of a friend, no.

Yeah, because this is the ONLY job in the entire world.

And there was no point in even attempting to look for another.

Because that is more trouble than a "friend" is worth.

Sometimes, when people post about 'what to do, I've discovered that my friend's DH is having an affair', the advice is split between 'don't tell her, messenger gets shot' and 'if you don't tell her, you're colluding in the betrayal'

You chose to collude. You had you reasons, but the upshot is that your friend also sees you as a betrayer (and this isn't any indication that she is redirecting emotions attached to H's betrayal:like love, hurt isn't limited; it's not either/or in terms of who she is feeling hurt/let down/betrayed by). You probably have no accurate idea of what is going on behind their closed doors.

She is feeling lonely and let down by people she thought were on her side. Are you going to accept th consequences of you choice and do everything you can to make things right? Fullsome apology, offers of help/support, responsive to her - hold the 'I was in an impossible situation' explanation for now, for until you have restored some sort of trust and friendliness, it would be too easy to be misunderstood as it would seem like excuses, not context.

In your shoes OP, my priority now would be income/career (which fits with your earlier position). And I'd start to look for a new post, if at all possible, in case current post becomes untenable.

Do most shoot the messenger? Really???? Really???? I don't honestly think they do. It's one of those urban myths, like every wife blames OW (most don't).

I'm a wronged wife. I'd have been really pissed off if a good friend had known and not told me. To be honest I'd have probably never spoken to them again. Mature? No. Human? Yes. The situation did not arise in my case, fortunately.

It's just a lie people tell themselves to justify their own selfishness and disloyalty.

OP... Cogito's advice is what I would follow.

Quite frankly, if your friend is anything as chippy as some of the posters are on your thread, you haven't lost anything. If she's as decent as you say she is then she will rally, regroup and consider that the person who should have been loyal to her and told her about the OW was her husband. He failed.

You didn't 'collude', you were placed in an untenable position and that's not the same thing AT ALL.

I simply don't believe the posters on here who say that they would put their livelihoods at risk for the sake of this principle - not a single one of them. It's just a sop that people tell themselves - and to anyone else who'll listen - that of course they'd do The.Right.Thing when they're not actually involved and there's absolutely no impact to them.

the person who should have been loyal to her and told her about the OW was her husband.

Yeah, so the ONLY PERSON in the entire world who owes you a single thing is your husband.

Everyone else is just out for themselves and all you can expect from them in self-serving platitudes while they take the piss out of you.

I simply don't believe the posters on here who say that they would put their livelihoods at risk for the sake of this principle

Nobody said that.

They said she could have started looking for another job at the point where she was asked to collude in her friend's husband's betrayal and not at the point when it got too uncomfortable for her.

Believe it, or believe it not, there are actually people in the world who live their lives according to what they think is right.

And actually put themselves out for their friends.

Just because you haven't got friends who love you that much doesn't mean other people don't.

Join... Humour me here: You find out about the affair on a Monday (for argument's sake) - by your logic you should be straight around to your friend's side to tell her. When exactly does that leave you time to find another job?

Of course, there may be many, many jobs available to you in your area. Notso for the OP, perhaps? How do you know that the OP hasn't been checking out the job situation ever since she found out?

How is doing the right thing anything other than telling the friend IMMEDIATELY? What difference does looking for another job when you discover the affair as opposed to when it becomes 'uncomfortable' make? None at all... but that's what you've stated.

Have the courage of your convictions then, Join if you want to bang on about your decentness as a human being and clearly state that the only RIGHT time is the minute you find out. What earthly difference does it make otherwise? [hmm}

So, so horribly judgemental on this board - and quite, quite unbelievable.

Can't imagine that anybody was laughing at the OP's friend either, Join. Maybe you don't have friends that love you enough not to revel in your pain, hmm?

Stop with the massive assumptions and huge projecting that you're doing.

I would have made it very clear to boss man that I didn't intend to keep it a secret from my friend for very long. Maybe about as long as it took me to find a new job.

Twats get away with it because others fear outing them for many reasons.

I couldn't and wouldn't ignore the situation you describe I'm afraid OP.
I would expect my friend to feel a double betrayal, and she'd be right to think like that.

Look for a new job, the DH prob glad to not have you around as a reminder, friend and DH might split, perhaps friendship is salvable in that situation.

The job thing is a red herring, He wouldn't have fired her. An unfair dismissal tribunal would have him on the stand, and his affair made very public. This isn't the dark ages, employment law is pretty tight and any 'successful business man' knows that.

by your logic you should be straight around to your friend's side to tell her.

That's not my logic.

My logic on this thread is, and always has been, that if the OP had really been as conflicted and upset about this whole thing as she claims, that she would have sought to stop working for her friend's openly cheating husband at the time she became aware of it.

And not months later when her friend found out about it and it finally became uncomfortable FOR HER.

She's looking for a new job now, so clearly her livelihood wouldn't have been put at risk by looking for a new job months ago and getting herself out of this supposedly intolerable situation.

The obvious conclusion is that she was absolutely fine with the subterfuge as long as it didn't affect HER in any way.

And I'm sure her friend is just as capable of seeing her self-serving, excuse-making, handwringing disloyalty for what it was.

She made the choice to put her job before her friend.

And she lost the bet. Now her friend knows what an untrustworthy person she is.

What difference does looking for another job when you discover the affair as opposed to when it becomes 'uncomfortable' make? None at all...

It makes all the difference if you have even a basic understanding of moral behaviour.

Staying in the job and staying quiet = colluding in the affair and taking the boss's/husband's side.

Leaving the job and putting yourself in a position to actually tell your friend = removing yourself from the situation and making it possible to do the right thing without losing your livelihood.

I'm really amazed that a person who can read and write would need something so obvious explained to them.

This is what you said, Join:
They said she could have started looking for another job at the point where she was asked to collude in her friend's husband's betrayal and not at the point when it got too uncomfortable for her.

Now morphed to this:
she would have sought to stop working for her friend's openly cheating husband at the time she became aware of it.

And not months later when her friend found out about it and it finally became uncomfortable FOR HER.

GirlfromIpanema - double betrayal? Are you confusing the OP with the OW? That's usually what double betrayal refers to.

Oh yes, employment tribunals, Worcestershire at the time taken to sort that out.

OP is best out of it and well away from this BONKERS thread...

Staying quiet does not equal colluding, Join

I'm not at all surprised that somebody who can supposedly read and write wouldn't look up the definition before endlessly spouting it:

COLLUDE:
verb (used without object), col·lud·ed, col·lud·ing.

1. to act together through a secret understanding, especially with evil or harmful intent.
2. to conspire in a fraud.

For avoidance of doubt, CONSPIRE means:

1. to agree together, especially secretly, to do something wrong, evil, or illegal.
2. to act or work together toward the same result or goal.
3. to plot (something wrong, evil, or illegal).

Just a little reminder that OP came on for support for something she has NO PART IN but carry on ranting though, all of you. Your keyboard is your oyster...

2. to conspire in a fraud.

Exactly.

She conspired in a fraud perpetrated against her friend.

Her boss asked her to take part in his lies and betrayal and she did as he asked.

I think it's weird that you think those two quote from me say different things, when they clearly say the same thing except with different words.

There was no "morphing".

Look, it's OK.

You don't think human beings should treat each other well or with even the most basic consideration.

Unless they are married to one another.

Which is weird, I mean if you think it's OK to treat people like shit, why make an exception for a spouse?

But I don't think that.

I think keeping schtum about your friend's husband's work girlfriend while you happily stay in your job and do your best to keep said husband sweet is shitty behaviour.

And if you behave that way and get caught it's a bit much to expect "forgiveness" from the person you weren't remotely sorry about fucking over when it suited you.

No duress there then, no siree...

If you want to treat people decently then maybe start with the OP who is being treated like some kind of reprobate when she's lost someone she thought was a friend.

I think the projection (ie. what OP has NOT posted) is utterly ridiculous.

Lying for me to know such a thing about a friends marriage and not tell her is absolutely a betrayal imo.

I trust all my friends to tell me the truth about important things.

This is one of those things.

Lying by omission, betrayal; call it what you will I'd have (and have done in RL) told my friend. Although I'd have given the toad him the chance to tell her first iyswim.

Worcester OP only worked there for a few months, she had no protection from an outright dismissal for spurious reasons. I can see her trouble with that, and would make allowances if it was my friend.

she's lost someone she thought was a friend.

No, the person who lost someone she thought was a friend is the woman whose husband cheated on her.

I haven't "projected" anything.

Everything I'm responding to is in the OP's posts.

She's being plenty nice enough to herself about her part in all this without needing me to join in.

I'm sorry you are getting such a kicking, OP. I think you were in a lose-lose situation and I hope you're not too upset by what's going on on this thread.

Join, honestly, with respect and gentleness, you need to calm down and step back from this thread. It may have hit a nerve with you but the OP doesn't deserve the treatment she's getting from you.

Joinyourplayfellows does have a valid point. I personally wouldn't be able to forgive a friend for this . The Op says the ow told her quite a bit of detail and that she was sickened. In the wife's shoes , I would wonder why the ow felt ok saying all this to my supposed best friend.

Imagine the wife's post if she posted here ie
My husband has been having an affair with a colleague . I am heartbroken ect. My best friend also works there and saw them together. Instead of telling me she agreed to keep quiet about it. She also had a
conversation with the ow which included a lot of detail about the affair I feel so betrayed . She said she didn't tell me because the job was important.

I can just imagine the responses there would be to that post and I highly doubt there would be many saying your friends done nothing wrong.

One of the questions asked after this sort of thing is who knew. There's often several people who knew and the advice is to get rid of them as they are not your friends nor friends of the marriage. I personally don't be around cheaters nor people who condone cheating.