No physical relationship with dh-plz help

[Nomodrama52]

I am in a really horrible situation and have nobody in RL to talk to, I'm really hoping I can get some advice here...

I will be honest and I know some people will say they have no sympathy for me at all and I accept this, it's my own fault.

I had an EA with om. I am married with dcs. Prior to the ea, me and dh were barely on speaking terms for some time. I was craving attention and I fell for om. I should have resolved differences with dh first I know this.

Anyway. It got to the stage where I ended up leaving with dcs. I told dh about the om etc. I separated from dh for around 6months. But I couldn't cope and had a complete breakdown. I was on anti depressants and I had to give up my job.

Dh wanted to give our marriage another go and he really helped me back on my feet. He is great with the kids and really looked after me too when I didn't deserve it.

However, it is now almost 4months since I have moved back with dh and I still cannot bring myself to have any physical relationship with him at all. I don't think I love him anymore and I have felt this way for some time, before the om.
Every time he comes near me I step back, I feel claustrophobic. I hate how I feel and I desperately want things to be normal.
Things in the house are awful. There is constant atmosphere and we are not even on speaking terms now. The dcs know things are not right.

Since last week he has been pressuring me to sleep with him. I have told him I need time to get things back to normal, physically and mentally. But he has told me I must sleep with him even if I don't want to as he deserves this. He tried to force me to have sex and I just couldn't do it. He has now told me that I have to leave the house if I cannot have a physical relationship with him.

I know that I did wrong and him taking me back must have been tough for him. But I really thought this could be a new beginning for us and we could rebuild our foundation as friends and go from there.

I know he loves me a lot, and I know how difficult it must be for him, but I can't make myself have sex when I don't want to.

I want to stay for the dcs sake and don't want to disrupt them again but I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

I'm really scared of being on my own and being a single mother.... I keep thinking should I let him sleep with me to keep the peace?

Or should I move out and call it a day? I know it's my fault things got to this stage, but even before the EA, things were bad with us, we were sleeping separately and hardly saw each other.

I would really appreciate some advice, I don't know what I should do and how to make things better now.

[perfectstorm]

it does sound like I'm here only because I'm not working

Oh, you have a housekeeper and a nanny? He does a lot around the house? You ARE working. It's considered, in law, an equally valid familial contribution. You'd have to pay someone else to do that work if you weren't. Don't you ever let anyone tell you that work is worthless, just because it's traditionally done by women. Presumably he was fine with you being a SAHM and sacrificing a good career to do it? He wasn't chomping at the bit to take the role himself?

It isn't a valid comment. He is coercing you into sex, he offered you sod all money for his own kids when you split, he's using the fact the house is shielded away from you in terms of finance to manipulate and threaten and he's hitten you. This is not normal. It's abusive. It certainly doesn't fall under "trying to be affectionate" fgs. Presenting sexual abuse as "snuggling" is eyewatering.

Did you get to talk to Women's Aid yet?

[Nomodrama52]

Lweji- I didn't realise that it might be possible for me to stay in the house even though neither of us owns it..but if I'm honest, even if that option were given to me, I think I would still rather leave and start fresh. If I stayed here I wouldn't be able to make a clean break for myself.

Perfectstorm- eeek! I hear you loud and clear! Could do with you coming here and giving me a good shake!

Of course what you are saying is right. I do everything in the house, absolutely everything. Cooking cleaning shopping laundry kids stuff. Everything. I did everything whilst I was working full time too. Even during pregnancies and after having c-sections with dcs. So I'm totally used to it. But yes, I see your point, it's still work right. And yeah he was more than happy for me to give up my very well paid job that I loved and be a sahm.

Biggest regret I have is leaving my job. I hate that I gave into him. I resent him for this every day and more myself really, why did I let him talk me into it.

Not called WA yet, I've been meaning to though. Will see cab tomorrow and call WA too.

Xxx

[ShoeWhore]

Please do call WA today OP.

I did everything whilst I was working full time too. You can do this - you have pretty much done it before. You just need to get the right support in place.

[Lweji]

And money too. Don't shy away from demanding what is fair for you and the children.
You deserve it for leaving your job and more so because it was because of him. And your children deserve the best life you and your STBX can provide.

[perfectstorm]

CAB can be great for general issues, but they aren't specialists in family law, let alone situations where abuse is involved. You might see someone brilliant but it's always a good idea to access help from more than one place if you can, when your circumstances are a little more complex than most. Rights of Women offer a free family law phone legal service, specialising in separation, children's residence and maintenance, and domestic abuse, which might be helpful? And Women's Aid can offer support and advice on how to access decent legal help, too.

I know right now you feel like you don't want any of "his" money. But bluntly you have the kids to think of, too. It's their money as well. It isn't "his". It belongs to the family. Why are his wants more important than their needs?

[perfectstorm]

Biggest regret I have is leaving my job. I hate that I gave into him. I resent him for this every day and more myself really, why did I let him talk me into it.

Financial abuse. Power and control via money. You have no independent income, no right to the home you live in because it's in someone else's name, and he wanted to give you £30 a month for the kids when you split, knowing he hides his assets/income so he could try to stop you getting a reasonable amount. And then he says you have to have sex when he wants and as he wants to make him happy because it's your duty or you have to pack your things and leave "his house".

Please mention his persuasion as stated above when you call Women's Aid. It is all relevant.