No physical relationship with dh-plz help

[Nomodrama52]

I am in a really horrible situation and have nobody in RL to talk to, I'm really hoping I can get some advice here...

I will be honest and I know some people will say they have no sympathy for me at all and I accept this, it's my own fault.

I had an EA with om. I am married with dcs. Prior to the ea, me and dh were barely on speaking terms for some time. I was craving attention and I fell for om. I should have resolved differences with dh first I know this.

Anyway. It got to the stage where I ended up leaving with dcs. I told dh about the om etc. I separated from dh for around 6months. But I couldn't cope and had a complete breakdown. I was on anti depressants and I had to give up my job.

Dh wanted to give our marriage another go and he really helped me back on my feet. He is great with the kids and really looked after me too when I didn't deserve it.

However, it is now almost 4months since I have moved back with dh and I still cannot bring myself to have any physical relationship with him at all. I don't think I love him anymore and I have felt this way for some time, before the om.
Every time he comes near me I step back, I feel claustrophobic. I hate how I feel and I desperately want things to be normal.
Things in the house are awful. There is constant atmosphere and we are not even on speaking terms now. The dcs know things are not right.

Since last week he has been pressuring me to sleep with him. I have told him I need time to get things back to normal, physically and mentally. But he has told me I must sleep with him even if I don't want to as he deserves this. He tried to force me to have sex and I just couldn't do it. He has now told me that I have to leave the house if I cannot have a physical relationship with him.

I know that I did wrong and him taking me back must have been tough for him. But I really thought this could be a new beginning for us and we could rebuild our foundation as friends and go from there.

I know he loves me a lot, and I know how difficult it must be for him, but I can't make myself have sex when I don't want to.

I want to stay for the dcs sake and don't want to disrupt them again but I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

I'm really scared of being on my own and being a single mother.... I keep thinking should I let him sleep with me to keep the peace?

Or should I move out and call it a day? I know it's my fault things got to this stage, but even before the EA, things were bad with us, we were sleeping separately and hardly saw each other.

I would really appreciate some advice, I don't know what I should do and how to make things better now.

[Lweji]

What do you get from his company? Because he sounds terrible.
Being alone with the children seems like a good prospect, really.

[perfectstorm]

How are you feeling today, OP?

[Nomodrama52]

Perfectstorm- thank you for asking, I'm ok. Xx I spend most of the day looking at houses on rightmove trying to figure out what I can afford and how. Worrying about how I'll be alone for rest of my life with small dcs. I'm still fairly young and I worked so hard to get to where I was in my career. I can't see how I can continue in that profession being a single parent.

You asked me if dh had been abusive to me before, he did slap me pretty hard once around a year ago, but nothing since then.

This morning I got a few more 'get out of my house' 'pack your stuff' rants off him. I expect them on a daily basis.

I just don't feel that I can support myself and the dcs on my own. I'm really worried. If I can't find a job that works around the kids, how can I support us??

[mynewpassion]

Leave. Leave the children with your DH if he's not abusing them.

[perfectstorm]

You'd be entitled to benefits in the early days. And child support payments aren't counted as income for benefit purposes, so you'd have that from him on top, regardless of the fact the house isn't a joint asset. You'd not be rich or anything like it, but you could manage. Try working out what you could get with this calculator. And also bear in mind that you would still be entitled to benefits if you were working part time as a single parent, if on a relatively low income - you don't need to be jobless to qualify for help. You are also probably entitled to help towards childcare costs. And childminders can be really flexible, given they work from home, as well as offering truly affectionate and personal one-to-one care. So don't despair on that front.

I'd call Women's Aid. Seriously. He's hit you, tried to force sex on you and berates you. Do NOT leave the kids with him - he would have a good case to argue that made him primary carer, and the status quo should remain that. Women's Aid can offer a lot of advice and support on how to protect yourself and the kids, and rebuild your life free of this. You don't deserve it, you don't have to put up with it, and it need not be your reality. There's a big and exciting world out there for your children and you.

You need legal advice. All family assets would be split on divorce, which would mean pensions, savings etc. and actually you might have the right to remain in the home while he leaves it, for at least a time. An Occupation Order protects the victim of domestic abuse. You should also be entitled to legal aid if you can prove that domestic abuse - a GP or other healthcare professional's statement could do that. Talk to Women's Aid and see what they say? They're the best placed to advise you.

You'll be fine. Just... don't accept this, him, as your life. You deserve so much better.

[Lizzabadger]

Second the advice to call Women's Aid. You need to get out of this abusive relationship.

[mynewpassion]

Why can't she leave the children? She says that he's great with the children. He took care of them and her for the last few months when she couldn't.

She couldn't cope with them when she left and that's why she came back. True, there were other circumstances, but could she cope with them if she leaves with them again?

Or is that because she is a woman, the children should automatically go with her?

[perfectstorm]

No. Because he's hit her, psychologically abused her, and tried to rape her. He's also very clear that if they split, he won't be amicable or pleasant in the least, and is highly unlikely to support her ongoing relationship with the children. Tell me, is that your ideal parenting material? In a man OR a woman?

[Aussiemum78]

Op could you access some counselling? Also a doctor as I'm concerned your situation has caused you to have anxiety.

I had anxiety when I was separated. Same kind of symptoms - feeling like I couldn't cope alone even though I was "alone" before the separation. The doctor helped.

I think you need to leave your husband but it sounds like your confidence is at rock bottom and you may have anxiety. Getting this under control would be a good first step.

The affair might make you feel guilt but from my perspective this was a mistake you needed to make - it probably woke you up to the fact that you were lonely, unhappy and scared to leave your husband.

[Lweji]

I do think you should call WA to support you leaving. The picture that emerged as you updated was of an abusive marriage.
You should probably be financially better off separated than you were before and than you imagine you will be.
Instead of looking at places, for now, call WA. They may offer you a refuge place, if you mention the constant emotional abuse, the attempted rape, the physical violence. Write it down. The abuse will emerge at you from the pages.
Even without a refuge place, they may be able to support you in finding a place and getting other support.
You need legal advice and financial advice, even before you split up.
And definitely take the children.

I suspect part of the turmoil when you left was because of the guilt regarding the emotional affair.
Remember that you are entitled to leave when you want to. And just because you want to, even if there hadn't been abuse.

And you have us here to offload and to give you support through the bad times.

You can do it.

[Nomodrama52]

Mynewpassion- thank you for your advice, I know why your saying I should leave the dcs, and although I did say he was great with them, I wouldn't leave them with him on a full time basis. He is good in that he plays with them (when he wants) and is a lot more patient with them than I am, but practically he couldn't raise them, ie cooking, school work, general day to day chores etc.

Perfect storm/lweji/aussiemum/lizza- thank you for your amazing advice... I do agree that I could benefit from counselling and I think I will do this once I'm out of the current situation, I'm thinking of going to the doctors too. I am anxious ALL the time, constantly tearful. Not eating etc. I'm physically a mess. Hard to believe if you had seen me a couple of years ago, I had a great career and was confident and independent and strong.

My worry is that if I'm prescribed anti depressants they will give me side effects as this is what I had last time, headaches, dizziness etc.

I will call WA tomorrow, at least just to get an idea of where I stand in terms of support. I have some savings, but these will quickly go once I start paying for bills etc.

When I left last time it turned into a huge disaster and I very stupidly came back... I can't do that again and I need to be mentally and physically in a better position.

If any of you have taken the steps of leaving with dcs, I would love to hear how you managed/coped??

[Lweji]

It is a different situation. I left with one DS and I was supporting the family already anyway. Plus I have family close.

Still, lots of women do manage. I'm sure you will too. Keep thinking that the alternative is an abusive man and ill health.

[haveyourselfashandy]

If he was a decent person I would have suggested you leave the dc's,sort yourself out then go from there but seeing as though he's a dick,you need to start making plans.
Have you had any luck with the house hunting? What can you afford? If your career is a hard one to continue due to the dc's is there anything in a similar field that could be more flexible?
There is always a way,just hold out do your research then bloody go for it! It is scary on your own but it has got to be better than how you're living now.Find your strength from somewhere because its in there.
You have done it once before and even though you struggled use that experience,what did you find the hardest? Can you do anything differently this time? Be prepared.You can do this.

[AmIMadReally]

You cant stay in this relationship, you deserve to be happy. You did everything because you were trying to do the right thing with is admirable however your partner is not being fair to you. He cant force you to do anything or even say you owe him - you don't. You owe it to you and your children to get out and be happy.

[Nomodrama52]

I'm not happy and have not been happy for such a long time... I keep thinking things will change soon, they can't carry on like this forever, but it's been so long now.

I have a lot of pressure from both families to stay and make it work for dcs sake. How having both parents is better for them and I won't be able to manage on my own.. I know they are saying this because I was terrible when I left last time and they are worried I will fall apart again.

But I just don't love him... At all....he's really not that bad, he's not a monster, he has a lot of positives, I guess I've brought out the worst in him the past few years, he has been patient with me and hoping I will be ok eventually.

I feel very confused and uncertain about everything. I feel so miserable here, and if it wasn't for the financial situation, I would leave now.

I guess my biggest fear is what if leave and then realise I've made a massive mistake and I should have stayed and tried harder?

[Lweji]

This is a man who tried to force you to have sex with him.

There is nothing you could have done to cause it. He is a bad one.

My feeling is that you will get worse, more anxious, more depressed, less confident, etc while with him.
Nothing good to be gained by staying with him. Particularly if you force yourself to give in to his demands.

Have a huge hug. You certainly don't deserve the way he is treating you.
And no child deserves to see his father treat his mother like that.

[Lweji]

Besides, if your family is worried you won't cope, they should offer as much support as you need, not insist you stay with him. They don't sound particularly nice either.

[perfectstorm]

Please call Women's Aid, and be completely honest with them. I think you need to be very clear about the sexual, physical and emotional abuse, and actually his behaviour over the family home is financial and sexual abuse - he is threatening to make you homeless if you don't have sex with him. That's fairly intense coercion.

I also suspect your state of mind is not unrelated to his treatment of you, so I would also be very open with your GP on what has been going on. You need and deserve support - and your children need and deserve the non-abusive parent to be supported, too.

[perfectstorm]

I guess my biggest fear is what if leave and then realise I've made a massive mistake and I should have stayed and tried harder?

Sweetheart, I also send a hug. He hits you, tried to rape you, is bullying you and tried to blackmail you into sex with him. How can you be the one who needs to "try harder"? NO DECENT PERSON WOULD DO THIS. No matter how stressed the marriage. They really, really woudn't. He has ground you down so much you can't see the wood for the trees, and that is where Women's Aid can help you. There's also a book women on MN strongly recommend by a man called Lund Bancroft, called "Why Does He Do That?" I strongly suggest you get hold of it.

[savemefromrickets]

I think you've been ground down and no longer know what's good in a relationship and what isn't.

Please don't have sex with him. Having sex you don't want to have has a long lasting impact on your self esteem, confidence and feelings towards your partner. Trust me, it's really not going to make you feel better towards him. The impact can last years. Even into your next, healthy relationship. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who doesn't want it anyway? That's not normal loving sex and desire, it's doing the act to scratch an itch.

[Nomodrama52]

Lweji/perfectstorm- thanks for the hug xx really appreciate your advice. I know you are right. I am going to the CAB tomorrow to find out what my options are financially. My parents have told me I can stay at theirs till I sort myself out. But I've always been very independent and I hate the thought of relying on them at this point in my life. I would rather just start fresh in my own place rather than move one place to the next. I'm hoping once I've moved I will find a job somewhere. I worked so hard for years getting to the position I was in in my previous job, all those exams and courses. Now I've taken 10steps back in my career. It's so demoralising. But I know I will have to apply for any jobs I can just to get us settled.

Saveme- I agree with you. I said the same thing to him, why do you want to sleep with me when you know I don't want to and Im not sure I even love you anymore? He replied that I'm his wife, it's my duty, I owe him. I need to make him happy. This will bring us closer.

I'm scared of how uncertain the future is now for us, I feel very selfish and guilty that I'm doing this to the dcs.

[Lweji]

Even though you feel it's a step back, it may be a good thing to stay at your parents for a while. Get some support with the DC and emotional support as well. Particularly as you struggled last time.
Don't feel too proud to have people supporting you. It's not a sign of weakness. In fact, you are stronger if you are capable of asking for help and not think you can do it all on your own.
I hope CAB are able to help and you walk out feeling more positive. Make sure you get legal advice as well.

[Lweji]

If it helps, ever since I left exH I have had the help of lots of people. Even if it was just to talk to them.
It has been invaluable.
It would have been difficult without my family rallying around.

Make sure you get all the help you can get from wherever and whoever you can get it.

[Aussiemum78]

Don't wait until you leave to see counseling. It may be the thing that helps you leave, helps you plan everything. You need this now.

Is seeing a counsellor possible? Can you leave the house/drive/pay for a counsellor?

[Nomodrama52]

Thanks lweji, I'm hoping the family will help, not financially, at least emotionally. It's hard for them to understand the situation, although they do know we haven't been getting on. Let's see what the cab advises. When I moved out last year, he did initiate divorce proceedings, I was served with the notice from the court, but shortly after that I came back. So not sure what happens with that now? There won't be any assets etc. he owns stuff but not officially.

Aussiemum- I don't think I will get through the counselling until I've moved out tbh, although I do know I need to do this, I've got no one in RL to talk to, so I guess that would be the next best thing. I can drive and leave the house etc, but I have a dc attached to me 24/7 so it's difficult unless I've got someone looking after them.

Thanks so much for the advice x