No physical relationship with dh-plz help

[Nomodrama52]

I am in a really horrible situation and have nobody in RL to talk to, I'm really hoping I can get some advice here...

I will be honest and I know some people will say they have no sympathy for me at all and I accept this, it's my own fault.

I had an EA with om. I am married with dcs. Prior to the ea, me and dh were barely on speaking terms for some time. I was craving attention and I fell for om. I should have resolved differences with dh first I know this.

Anyway. It got to the stage where I ended up leaving with dcs. I told dh about the om etc. I separated from dh for around 6months. But I couldn't cope and had a complete breakdown. I was on anti depressants and I had to give up my job.

Dh wanted to give our marriage another go and he really helped me back on my feet. He is great with the kids and really looked after me too when I didn't deserve it.

However, it is now almost 4months since I have moved back with dh and I still cannot bring myself to have any physical relationship with him at all. I don't think I love him anymore and I have felt this way for some time, before the om.
Every time he comes near me I step back, I feel claustrophobic. I hate how I feel and I desperately want things to be normal.
Things in the house are awful. There is constant atmosphere and we are not even on speaking terms now. The dcs know things are not right.

Since last week he has been pressuring me to sleep with him. I have told him I need time to get things back to normal, physically and mentally. But he has told me I must sleep with him even if I don't want to as he deserves this. He tried to force me to have sex and I just couldn't do it. He has now told me that I have to leave the house if I cannot have a physical relationship with him.

I know that I did wrong and him taking me back must have been tough for him. But I really thought this could be a new beginning for us and we could rebuild our foundation as friends and go from there.

I know he loves me a lot, and I know how difficult it must be for him, but I can't make myself have sex when I don't want to.

I want to stay for the dcs sake and don't want to disrupt them again but I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

I'm really scared of being on my own and being a single mother.... I keep thinking should I let him sleep with me to keep the peace?

Or should I move out and call it a day? I know it's my fault things got to this stage, but even before the EA, things were bad with us, we were sleeping separately and hardly saw each other.

I would really appreciate some advice, I don't know what I should do and how to make things better now.

[perfectstorm]

Please call Women's Aid. Please - the CAB are not specialists in domestic abuse, they are generalists, and their advice is not specific to your situation. You are entitled to legal aid as the victim of intimate partner abuse, but you need to talk to Women's Aid on how to access that. You need legal advice on this: There won't be any assets etc. he owns stuff but not officially. because the owner on the paperwork can be separated from the equitable, "beneficial" owner, sometimes.

He sounds financially abusive, too. Asset-hiding so you can't access it should you split. Is he self-employed, by any chance? House in his father's name - who paid for it?

[perfectstorm]

I said the same thing to him, why do you want to sleep with me when you know I don't want to and Im not sure I even love you anymore? He replied that I'm his wife, it's my duty, I owe him. I need to make him happy. This will bring us closer.

That's chillingly narcissistic.

[Lweji]

Adding to what perfectstorm said, you can ask not only for child maintenance but spousal maintenance too, particularly if there are no assets to divide.
You left a good job, so you have good chances of getting it. It's not so talked about because most women in similar situations end up getting a larger percentage of the house for example, instead.

That is why legal advice is so important at this stage, not only to initiate divorce proceedings.

And tell people the real reasons why you are splitting, at least after you leave. It is so cathartic, even if painful.

And do talk to WA too, yes. Even if you don't think it's necessary at this point.

[ShoeWhore]

OP please talk to Women's Aid. They will help you.

This man has hit you. He emotionally abuses you on a daily basis. He has tried to force you to have sex and is threatening to make you homeless if you don't comply. This really is that bad.

I just want to give you a hug. You sound very bright and capable (and totally understandably nervous) and I feel sure that with the right support you CAN do this.

[Nomodrama52]

Perfectstorm/lweji- thank you x I went to the CAB today but they were too busy to see me and I have booked an appointment for later this week instead.

I haven't called WA yet... If I'm honest I feel a little silly calling them, I feel as though they should really spend their time helping people in much more serious situations than me? At the moment we are not talking at all, he has thankfully spent the last few nights in the spare room. I feel as if I'm hanging in limbo right now, neither here nor there. I saw a house last week, it's really nice, but with no job, the rent is going to eat into my savings quick. So I would have to get a job pretty fast soon as I've moved out. I still have the opinion of my parents, but I really want to avoid this if I can.

Re the assets, they not in his name but not so that I can't get my hands on them, more to do with some money issues he had a few years ago. In any event, I have no interest in taking anything off him, I just want to walk away from this and the last thing I want/ need is arguing over money etc.

Shoewhore- your post made me cry... Can't remember the last time someone called me bright or capable... I feel anything but at the moment. If I told you what I did for a living I think you would be shocked. It's on the complete opposite end of the spectrum in comparison to the situation I'm in now.

I feel very lonely and tomorrow looks so bleak. I just don't know how to pull myself up and get moving to making things better.

[Lweji]

That attitude towards money is very typical of people like you. In a good way. :)

But every penny you don't get from him is money that your child doesn't get and it's longer that you feel you have to stay with him because you can't afford rent.

It's family money. Not his.

[moolady1977]

im in the same situation as you op and i feel for you with all my heart xx sending no advice as i dont have any but sending lots of hugs xxxx

[perfectstorm]

You know, I have never, ever read a post on Mumsnet from an abused woman in which she doesn't say "Women's Aid is for women in far worse situations than me..." your situation IS bad. Truly, it is. You can't see that because you have been inured to it by years of coping, but he has tried to rape you, tries to coerce you into unwanted sex via any means possible including threatening homelessness and absolute denigration of you as a person, he has hit you and he is constantly telling you you are worthless. That is serious abuse. Women's Aid are not about to tell you that they can help or that they think this is bad if it isn't; they haven't the resources, so just call them, be honest, and see what they say. Apart from anything else, so many women on here who have called them say the understanding, support and lack of judgement they encounter has in itself been priceless.

Also agree that the attitude that you "don't want any of his money" is typical, and understandable, but the thing is, you aren't wanting "his money". As has been said, it's family money, so actually he is wanting you and the children's money all for his greedy little self, just as he sees no reason why you should have any say over your own body. It's his, too. Everything is - right? And that money could help you re-establish yourself in a career, a little while ahead when you have your confidence back. Which you can, and will - so many here can attest to that.

Please, please call Women's Aid. Please. It really is that bad. Their free 24 hour helpline is at the top of the page.

[perfectstorm]

Moolady, I'm so sorry to hear that, and you should call them too. xxxx

[Nomodrama52]

Lweji/perfectstorm- I know what you are saying re the money, but seriously, it's just not worth the hassle. Again, I hear you in that it's family money, and I'm sure his business and property etc will pass down to the dcs later on, but it is going to be a massive headache to get anything from him. When I moved out last year, he offered me something daft like £30 pm for the dcs... What a joke. What does £30 even buy in just one supermarket trip. Hasn't got a clue. I didn't argue with him then either.

I will call WA tomorrow... Although I still feel like I'll be wasting their time.. But I'll give it a go. I'm thinking of going down to the job centre and talking to them re getting back to work but I know they will not be able to put me back into the field I was in previously, however, at this point I guess I should see what else is out there.

Moolady- sending you hugs back and I hope you can make your situation better, or at least do a better job with it than I am. Xx sometimes it feels like your the only one in the world stuck like this and absolutely no one is out there to help... If you need to talk, please feel free to pm me, or post on this thread/board x there are some amazing people here that give great advice. :-)

[perfectstorm]

When I moved out last year, he offered me something daft like £30 pm for the dcs. He has a clue, believe me. He's an abuser, though, and financial abuse is part of it. The house, money to feed the kids, "his" versus family cash. That's financial abuse - please add it to the list, when you call WA. It's yet another way he sees you as lesser, and wants you under his control. And no wonder you felt stressed and unable to cope apart - poverty can have that effect, too, as does having someone tell you you're worthless for long periods.

In employment terms, it might be worth putting feelers out to your old industry, even if in a junior role? A foot in the door and a chance to prove how fab you are, and your name and face familiar, so you can move up in time when the kids are a bit more independent? The job centre tend to have quite menial roles, and given you are clearly very intelligent and sound well-qualified, while there is never any shame in honest graft if you can get something more interesting and better paid, worth a shot?

And please don't say he's a good father again. Not with his being prepared for them to suffer so badly financially. Again - almost all abused women say "he's a good father". I've never seen a case where that is so, sadly.

WA can advise you on legal aid. It won't cover financial issues, but victims of domestic abuse are entitled to it to cover family issues, as mediation is not appropriate in such cases.

Thank you for calling them, truly. I've been worrying about you, and it's so good to know there is real life help on its way. x

[Nomodrama52]

Perfectstorm- wish I had a friend like you in RL. Thank you for your advice x

I feel bad for painting such a bad picture of him, he's really not a monster, things haven't always been like this, just the last few years, and more really over the past 6months. I def do blame myself for the situation we are in. When I met the OM, he literally changed my world, and now he's gone, it's impossible to move on as if I'd never met him. I know I don't love dh and I don't think I ever will again. I wish I did though.

Re employment, I am on several agency books within my field, and I do get called for interviews etc, but these are all full time roles which would be impossible with the dcs. It's really frustrating, but I just can't see how I'll manage doing my job around them. But nothing is impossible right and I'll still keep looking.

Re WA, what will I need legal aid for? Do you mean with the divorce? I've got no idea how much this will cost me, I guess they might give me more advice about this?

[Lweji]

Some women may be battered physically, but you seem emotionally battered. You do need WA. It's a good thing you are calling them. Tell them everything, including the financial aspects.

And forget about inheritance. Your children need now comfortable and safe accommodation, food, clothes, toys and (also very important) a happy mother. Not a mother who has to struggle to survive.

Yes, it will be hard, but get what your children deserve for their start in life. They will have time to build their own assets. They won't need an inheritance.
You get a good solicitor and they will deal with most of it. Gather support around yourself (WA, family, legal, friends) and you will be ok.

Good luck job hunting too.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position Op , but I can't help but feel sorry for your husband to some extent . You cheated on him , left with the children , and only went back because you couldn't cope. I can't imagine how devastating that must have been , and on top of that your continued rejection of him.

It sounds like he thinks you still have a marriage hence snuggling up to you in bed ect. Have you actually communicated to him that you don't want to be in this marriage anymore ? Because it doesn't sound like you have since you say that he found out that you were looking at houses, and trys to be affectionate to you.

It's simply not fair of you to be with him for no other reason than you don't have a job.

[Lweji]

Have you read the thread?

[Lweji]

The OP, even...

[perfectstorm]

Please read the threads before commenting on Relationships. Seriously.

[Nomodrama52]

Badbalding- I understand why your saying that. Of course I feel very guilty and horrible about all this and I do blame myself. But I have told him very clearly that I don't love him anymore and we just don't get on, haven't done for years now. Despite this, he still pressured me to sleep with him every night and he still wanted me to hug him and kiss him, when he clearly knew how i felt. When I wouldn't sleep with him, that's when he started telling to get out of the house. He has the luxury to sit there and say that to me as the house belongs to his family. If we owned it jointly, I doubt it would be me worrying about having a roof over our heads.

Yes I know it's unfair of me to stay when I feel like this about him, but it's not just because I've had to leave my job (because of him- it was a condition of him taking us back), but because I have dcs whom he is also equally responsible for, where am I supposed to go with them when I have no money or no home? If I was on my own, I wouldn't be sat here writing this now, I'd be gone. I'd live anywhere in any condition. But my dcs do not deserve that, and he has a responsibility towards them too.

He does deserve a loving wife/partner, and I sincerely hope he finds one, I am not enjoying being like this with him, I really wish I could love him like he wants me to. I wish we didn't have all these issues between us. Most of all I wish the dcs didn't have to go through all this.

I'm working on leaving and I'm trying to work out the best solution for the dcs. I don't want to do what I did last time when i left and I was completely unprepared for what happened. When I came back it was with the intention of making it work even though I knew then I didn't love him. He knew this too. We thought it would be ok and things would work but they didn't.

[ShoeWhore]

Nomodrama I wanted to come back and tell you about my friend. (I was on my phone when I replied before

My friend left her abusive dh 18 months ago. Like yours he "wasn't that bad" except that one day something happened that made her realise she couldn't carry on. She didn't know it was because he was abusing her but she felt she had to leave. She spoke to a couple of friends about it all who persuaded her to speak to a charity for victims of domestic abuse.

My friend packed a bag and took the dcs to her parents' house. She spoke to the woman from the charity and her GP and a social worker (and then eventually the police as well). She was astonished to hear that they all thought this was indeed "that bad" and that they were very glad she had removed the dcs as they considered them to have been very much at risk in the family home.

I'm not going to lie to you and pretend it has all been easy because it hasn't. But I have been amazed at the change in my friend now she is free and at how strong she has been. Both she and the children have blossomed and grown enormously in confidence. Her son stopped wetting the bed within a couple of weeks of them leaving and has dropped a couple of other nervous habits he had.

Interestingly her dh threatened her with all sorts. He was going to take the dcs and she would never see them again. He was going to take her to the cleaners in court. And a million other ways he was going to make her pay for leaving him. As it turns out he hasn't done any of these things. They were all the empty threats of a man who could feel he was finally losing control.

I just wanted to tell you cause many things you have said in this thread made me think of my friend.

[ShoeWhore]

re the job hunting, might it be worth pursuing a few opportunities with the view that if you got offered a job you could perhaps discuss flexible working or a 4 day week? Could you work if you got good childcare in place?

[Nomodrama52]

Lweji/perfectstorm- it's ok honestly, I can understand those comments because I do feel bad for dh and very guilty too. They are valid comments, it does sound like I'm here only because I'm not working, and to a certain extent I guess I am. But I'm in no way using him for accommodation or money and he knows that too. I don't take any money from him and neither does he give me any household expense money. He has told me to leave his house and that's what I'm working on doing asap.

[ShoeWhore]

I'm just thinking that part time roles aren't often advertised but if an employer really wants you then they might be open to negotiation?

[Nomodrama52]

Shoewhore(love the name btw)- thank you for posting that x good to know that your friend is doing great now, its really scary and daunting leaving with small dcs, I hope we can get to that stage of being Independent and content soon too.

Re job hunting- most firms do not offer flexible working with the kind of work I do... I would need to be in the office all day really to deal with things as and when they happen... But I'm hoping there will be some company out there that may be flexible, or even let me retrain in another area that doesn't require me to be available during business hours. It's a long shot, but I'm still hoping. Xx

[Lweji]

It just crossed my mind that it wouldn't be the first time that a SAHP would be allowed to stay in the family home (even if it doesn't belong to them) while the children are little if they have the children for most of the time.
On divorcing, you might ask to remain with the children in the home until they are grown up enough, or, as the house is not actually his, for some time until you find suitable accommodation. Maybe it's not possible, but you may have more and better options than you think and this is why you need legal advice now, before you leave.

He does deserve a loving wife/partner, and I sincerely hope he finds one
I wonder if he does deserve a loving partner and if a loving partner deserves him.

If he was a decent man he'd agree to separate and provide a fair amount for the children. Apart from not pressuring you for sex, trying to force it and so on.

Things must have been bad if you were hardly on speaking terms before the EA. You wouldn't be the first person to find a way out of an abusive marriage through someone else. You didn't actually leave for someone else, but it probably alerted you to how bad your marriage was. Don't feel guilty. Think constructively now.