Aibu to be really hurt by this comment?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I've been with 'p' for 5 years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, been with p since ds was about 10 months old. So although not his child should be as good as.

I very rarely do anything on my own apart from go to work. My mum has ds about every few months overnight so that dp and I can go out.

I get my hair cut about every 3-4 months, I have to book the appointment a few weeks in advance but it's a great and cheap salon. Dp usually has ds while I get my hair done. It's the absolute only time he ever has ds on his own.

P is giving me the silent treatment since the weekend over something unrelated. He wouldn't give me an answer over whether I could still get my hair done, he's just told me I just see him as a babysitter and to ask my mum. A babysitter? Really?

I'm so angry but also hurt.

[Amethyst24]

Sabotaging fun times is something my vile ex used to do. Absolutely soul-destroying.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I know it's all wrong, but I feel as though I've put so many years into it, and I know logic would say don't waste any more.

I can't imagine ever meeting anyone else, I wouldn't have the energy, I wouldn't want to introduce anyone else to ds, I wanted more children, I feel that I probably never will now.

He says things will change, things will get better...

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

so many years into it

And for what?

[thenightsky]

Urgh. He sounds like seriously hard work and not a partner in any sense of the word. I remember your other thread where you bagged his stuff up and left it in the porch, saying you knew he'd not come for it.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Sod all, we've had some times, it hasn't been worth all the bad.

I think sometimes if I'd never met him perhaps I'd have met someone else, nicer. But I don't feel as though I ever will now.

I wouldn't mind being single. I can be on my own, I'm scared I'll never have another child.

[MellowAutumn]

Christ , I would be terrified at the thought of having a child with this man. I read your last thread and think you either need some serious counselling or just like the drama of it all - you had his stuff in bin bags and now your whining about him not wanting to go to the Library and other trivial crap .

[TonyThePony]

Do you seriously want to be starting these same threads in another five years?

And if you think about it honestly, would you really want him to be the father, provider, protector and role model for your next child? He hasn't proven himself to be worthy so far. I don't imagine he's going to much improve.

The more time you waste on him, the less time you have being happy (with or without somebody else). Life's too short to spend it with morons.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

You don't feel you could find someone else because you are judging any potential future relationships by the same standards of this exhausting one sided one.

Seriously your child asked to go to somewhere and he decides its time to go home. I know kids shouldn't get what they want all the time but that just comes across as very childish and emotionally abusive to your child.

You are wasting your time he's competing and having tantrums with not just you but your child as well.

He enjoys the sense of power it gives him to do this to you and when he pushes you into a corner and you eventually react then he plays the wounded one. He will never grow up your relationship is an illusion as it will never live up to the potential you first saw in it. No of course its not all bad, anyone in that situation would wise up pretty quickly, its about dangling the carrot of what you want just long enough to get what he wants.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Have another child. If thats what you really want. But for gods sake do not stay with this man.

You will be as good as a single parent anyways.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

No I wouldn't and am not going to be but I don't know whether false hope has kept me hanging on.

[MargotLovedTom]

You'd be better off dumping him and using a sperm donor if you want another child. Facetious maybe, but not totally untrue.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I've absolutely no intentions of bringing another baby into this mess, but I might have been hoping for a miracle where he'd turn into a stand up guy.

[ageofgrandillusion]

Not sure what you're moaning at really OP. He's a pointless, childish bell-end - you know it, we know it. Sounds like you've talked about ditching this loser before but obviously backed out having realised what an, ahem, amazing catch he is. Sounds like you need to shit or get off the pot really.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Well, if not having another baby is scaring you from leaving and having another baby is off the cards then leave.

Simple.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I think what I mean is I have hoped things might get better and we could. But I know deep down it's hopeless.

But I also feel like I will need to do some work on myself before even thinking about embarking on another relationship, and I don't have years and years.

[sykadelic15]

I have to admit this thread has me a tad shocked.

I'm shocked you're blaming yourself for what happened on the weekend because you know that you made it worse by crying and getting upset. Such utter bullshit. You're allowed to have feelings and you're allowed to express those feelings.

He's controlling you. You are being emotionally abused and I know, having been there, that you don't see it. It's only when you're out of it or when someone else tells you their situation that you see it.

For example, do you think it's normal:

• to have someone categorically change the plans of the group and blame the group for getting upset about it?
  
• that a member of the family has to ask for permission to do an activity for themselves?
  
• to ask a father to look after his child once in a while and have him complain about it?
  
• that when someone is asked a question they go to bed and play on their computer without answering the question?
  
• that a perfectly fit and able adult expects help to get out of bed and help planning the minutia of their life?
  
• that if you tell someone no it is held against you the next time you ask them a similar question?
  

I know it's all wrong, but I feel as though I've put so many years into it, and I know logic would say don't waste any more.

I can't imagine ever meeting anyone else, I wouldn't have the energy, I wouldn't want to introduce anyone else to ds, I wanted more children, I feel that I probably never will now.

He says things will change, things will get better...

You can't imagine meeting anyone else because you're sad. You're downtrodden. Once you're out and you're starting to feel better again you will be amazed at the freedom you feel. You'll be able to make decisions about things without needing to explain or consult about it. You'll be able to get your hair done without needing to ask for permission.

You have put years into it. You have TRIED and he's not trying. He's leading you alone. You wrote he said things WILL change and WILL get better... that's just not good enough. Words aren't action.

It's time you gained some self respect and moved on. He isn't worth your time or your sons time. Give yourself a break from men and work on building back up your self-esteem. You are worth more.

[sykadelic15]

*He's leading you along...

[Longdistance]

Don't waste another 5 years with this man child. It sounds miserable, and you sound like you'd be better off on your own. Don't waste any time, there could be a lovely man out there who you can give you so much more respect and love.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Thanks sykadelic

I'm surprised that I haven't been told that I was out of order for Saturday, I'm not sure that what he did warranted a big row, but it just got to me so much. The lack of enthusiasm, the lack of respect to let my mum know by a reasonable time even though she'd been kind enough to have ds to sleep last minute.

I feel like an old lady sometimes, dp can't last the day without a nap so everything has to be planned around his nap times, yes dp not ds. I suggest things to do, a film night with a DVD and popcorn, I winter walk on the beach, going for a run or a swim together he's got no enthusiasm for any of it.

I have even wondered whether he's depressed because he doesn't seem to get any pleasure out of anything. Even when we're not together he just holes himself away.

[Only1scoop]

Dolls....I think I may have said this to you before, this is never going to be that family unit you appear to crave.

He is not going to change and your frustration will grow and the resentment will become hard to control.

You can't just carry on hoping he will suddenly grow up or change....this is him....stop trying to change him....he's happy as he is. You however are not happy in this 'relationship' it's time to take control.

Does you still cook for him and he rocks up late without having the manners to tell you? Do you still wash all those stinky clothes for him?

He is not your child....

[TemperamentalAroundCorvids]

I was married to someone similar for decades. And without the power of MN I might very well still be in that marriage. Life now has never been better. And I was 59 when I got divorced. My marriage was not a waste of my life, but the good things I remember do not feature my Ex.

I understand only too well about futile hope. It is futile.

[Only1scoop]

And for goodness sake stop worrying now if he's depressed or not? He sounds like a miserable....sulky childlike idiot and you enable him to carry it on. Pandering to his nap times etc. I don't think either of you are happy. Either accept how he is and how your life will be ....or move on.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I think it's called the 'fallacy of sunk costs' - that we keep on going & hoping even as it becomes increasingly evident that we're on a hiding to nothing - we keep going because we've invested so much already, there must be a pay-off if only we can hang on long enough. But sadly, there never is - what you see is what you get.

[Ragwort]

How old are you? I am sure you are not very old, please, please, please stop wasting your time with this man. I am almost in tears at the waste of your life and I don't know you.

Is your wish for another child so great that you are prepared to stay with this excuse of a man? I can't understand why you don't have more self respect and want a better life for you and your son.

Listen to what experienced mumsnetters are telling you, it is so depressing that you are prepared to put up with this.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I'm not old, technically I'm not too old to turn my whole life around and still have another baby. But it seems so out of reach. I don't want a baby with him anyway so I'm not really making sense. It's the illusion of what could be but never will.