Aibu to be really hurt by this comment?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I've been with 'p' for 5 years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, been with p since ds was about 10 months old. So although not his child should be as good as.

I very rarely do anything on my own apart from go to work. My mum has ds about every few months overnight so that dp and I can go out.

I get my hair cut about every 3-4 months, I have to book the appointment a few weeks in advance but it's a great and cheap salon. Dp usually has ds while I get my hair done. It's the absolute only time he ever has ds on his own.

P is giving me the silent treatment since the weekend over something unrelated. He wouldn't give me an answer over whether I could still get my hair done, he's just told me I just see him as a babysitter and to ask my mum. A babysitter? Really?

I'm so angry but also hurt.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I was reading a different posters thread about a woman who has messed up hers and her children's lives by letting some fuckwit hang around.

You can't always see it in your own life.

[Optimist1]

Re-read your posts above, Dolls . It appears to the rest of us that you've given this relationship your best shot, tried everything possible to fix it and the time has come to call it a day.

Once you've diverted your strengths to building a new life for you and your child (away from pussy-footing around this unpleasant man) you'll be so much happier.

[Fairy1303]

You are right. You have wasted 5 years on him.

Don't waste another minute.

[Lweji]

It has only been five years so far. I was with exH for over 10.
If you stay it won't get better and you'll have lost much more time.

[Only1scoop]

He won't be ....and it's good that you are looking back over your prev threads....as you have had some brilliant advice on them.

Sad that its 5 years dolls and you feel like this.

A tragedy if you still sitting there crying in another 5 years.

If you don't break this cycle now....you may well be.

Hope not for sake of your ds.

[Fairy1303]

I wished that mine could be the nice guy all the time.

The thing is, they start nice. Then you get flashes of monster. Eventually those two people get closer and closer until there IS no nice anymore.

Only he can chose whether to be Mr nice or not. You understand that he makes an active choice don't you?

Even if he was being nice, he still wouldn't be an adequate partner would he?

Come on OP.

I did it, I was at rock bottom when I left. Hadn't realised what he had done to me until I was literally a fat, meek, angry shadow of myself. I couldn't let my son know me like that.

Good luck.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I know how fucked up this all is.

I'm sat here in tears reading another thread and it's just made me think what the actual fuck am I doing, I'm crying for ds because I know he deserves so much more, I'm crying for the 5 years of mine and ds life that I'll never ever get back now.

I wish he could be the nice guy that he can be all the time.

[captainmummy]

OP - lots of people have long long days. My ex is out of the house at 630, and 2 nights of the week is not in till 7pm. The other 3 nights he is even later - one of them will usually be after 10pm.
He is not an ex because he was a giant child, but because i was pretty much a single mother anyway...

[Jan45]

does not have respect I mean.

[Jan45]

He sounds like a petulant child who expects you to entertain him in the relationship while he does feck all but have naps. Seriously, I know your confidence is low but how can being with him make it any better, it's impossible. You will only learn to be happy when you get rid of this waste of space. He does not love you, he does have respect for you and he certainly does not see you as his equal. Sorry to be harsh but if you act like a doormat then that's the best you're gonna get. Until you value yourself and your happiness, expect more of the same.

I can't think for the life of me why you want to be with such a horrible person.

[Ragwort]

You are just making excuses for him.

Lots of people are up at 6.30am and not home until 6.30pm (or even later). My DH is in his 50s and doing a very manual, physically demanding job - he doesn't treat me like your DP treats you.

You obviously have a wonderful, loving relationship with your DS - why can't you leave DP and set up home with your DS?

And good suggestion to go on the Freedom Programme.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Contact Womens Aid and ask to be put on the Freedom Programme.
Or go to GP and ask for therapy/counselling for yourself.
And kick this useless FW into touch.
You had great advice previously and you've chosen to ignore it and here you are again.
It will happen again and again and you KNOW it won't improve.
Be on your own. Find yourself, work on yourself and your self-esteem and then you can get out there and find yourself a 'nice' partner, who will cherish and love you.
Stop listening to his BS. He won't change!

[Stockhausen]

He does all these things, and treats you so badly... because you allow him to.

[Only1scoop]

Dolls....has he actually moved in with you now?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

He blames the tiredness on having glandular fever 8 years ago. I think that he needs to lose weight, not because I give a stuff about size, but because I think it might be why he's so tired and moody, he won't do certain things because he sweats which he says is down to being overweight, he finds it easier to blame me for his weight because of the one takeaway I want to have, nothing to do with everything else he's eaten that day/week. He says he'd lose weight without me, but I do small portions of food and he moans that it's not enough and he feels weak and hungry.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Ragwort can I just say, that it not me, ds is very cared for and has been by me since he was born. Arguably his emotional needs are not 100% met if I am having a bad relationship. But he lives in a clean, warm home, with food in the fridge, he has everything he needs a lovely bedroom full of clothes and toys, he does loads of activities, has a routine, I adore him and he knows it, I sit and read to him for hours, we go for long walks and kick leaves and chat and laugh, nobody has ever had to step in to care for ds & I work and try to fit everything in. I haven't dragged a string of different men in and out of ds life. My mistake is probably thinking that because I had let this one into our lives I could and ought to somehow make it work but I've been trying all by myself.

Lweji, he does work yes this is where problems come in too, he's up at 6.30 and not in until 6.30 so it's a long day. He's probably come in and go straight to sleep but he stopped doing that because, well we never saw him, but he can't cope with it so it builds up and he gets in a foul mood and blames me for his tiredness. Even though we go to bed at 9.30pm and I'm up at the same time as him, I might finish work earlier but I don't just put my feet up.

At the weekend if we wake up at between half 7-8 he's ready to go back to bed by midday, and then usually a sleep by 4-6 and early to bed.

[Lweji]

Does he work? Does he need a nap when he works?

[Fairy1303]

OP have a read up on 'cycle of abuse' - this is classic emotionally abusive behaviour.

You and your son deserve so SO much better.

[oldwomaninashoe]

To me there sounds like there is something wrong with him. Can't cope without a nap?
Has he always been like this? He ought to be at the GP's for blood tests.
If he was in his 60's it would be understandable.

It sounds like a really miserable relationship

[captainmummy]

I'd bet my house that when you kick this loser to the kerb, that you will feel better instantly. I get that it is a process, that you need to get to that stage in your head, but I hope you get there soon! For your sake, and for ds. Poor lad. He must be just as confused as you by the mood swings, the constant working out what he's feeling, (and how to manage it) the exhausting memorising of stuff he feels important (when he wants his nap! Whether he will want to go out to dinner etc)
Of course you were not wrong in your reaction at the weekend; you are allowed to cry and shout if you are annoyed/frustrated. Other DPs would look at their behaviour to work out why you are crying, not assume that you are doing it to manipulate him.

And as for te 'suicide' threats, and promises, - have you read 'the script'? It's all there, threats, anger, entreating, tears, promises, suicide, the lot. You have to work through it all - it's not easy, but once he's gone you will feel so much better.

[Only1scoop]

Also dolls.... you had some amazing advice on that previous thread last month....is there anyway you can refer to that also?

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

You have wasted enough time on him. He isn't going to change. He. Isn't. Going. To. Change.

Your son is being set a terrible example and you would all be better off without this man baby.

[Lweji]

Please listen to the good advice.

He will only bring you down and further down.
You and your son deserve better.

My exH was somewhat similar. He supposedly had depression and anxiety, but most things were just ill will.
Even if he is depressed, he could tell you to go alone, or make an effort to pick himself up.

Get rid, get your self esteem back, be happy.
And don't accept any man in your life unless he really makes you happy.

[Ragwort]

First of all, please tell us how old you are. I am almost certain you are really quite young and are likely to have years ahead of you if you want to have another baby. I had my first baby at 43 .

My friend's daughter sounds just like you - she ends up with really unsuitable men because she can't bear to be on her own. She can't care for her own children and other relatives have to cope. The whole situation is a mess and no one can see any way through it.

Please take a step back, your self esteem will remain low whilst you stay with this man-child; once you have left (and yes, I know it will be tough) and sorted things out you and your DS can start a fresh new life, you can take time to make a wide circle of friends; you may or may not meet someone soon - but don't rush into having a baby just because 'you want a baby'. You and your son deserve so much more.

Please also take time to look at other threads on mumsnet where women are stuck in really unhappy relationships, with more than one child. Think about it, do you want that to be you in a few years time?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

The thing is I'm so low, it might be hard for other people to understand, but my self worth is really low.

As always there's more to it than just what I might have posted about on here.

He does family life when it suits him, he acts as though he loves me and I'm his world, when it suits him. But then treats me without basic decency and respect. He's played me up and down for years.

It leaves my head spinning.

I'll be honest, there was a time last year when I was so low I wanted to die, if you could have just gone to sleep and never woke up I would have. The fog eventually lifted and I promised myself I'd never get that low again. I told him it was over for good, stood up for myself. But then he started begging me to forgive him, there were some grand gestures, he also threatened to hang himself, he promised all sorts, it's been just over a year since all that, and although things have still been bad they haven't been as bad as they were, he used to disappear for weeks, now he says he's working on his mood swings. I'm stupid because I've wasted another year if my life with him, I was in a place then were I could have seen it through but now I feel as though I'm getting as low as I did back then. And added to that is this overwhelming feeling I now gave that I'd love another baby now, and that I've fucked up my chance by pinning it all on a waste of space.