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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like giving up

63 replies

AtSea1979 · 25/02/2014 12:10

I attended A&E yesterday, they gave me a lip balm with woman's aid number on it. I can't ring it. It's all my fault anyway.
I can't cope on my own and when I try to settle down I turn the sweetest man in to a monster with my constant gas lighting until he finally snaps and hurts me. Now he's gone and I'm back to being unable to cope alone.
I can't go to work because of my broken rib, I'm in so much physical pain I just have to sit here still yet my head is spinning at 100 mph.
I can't relax. I can't think straight. I can't let my DC grow up like this.
What do I do?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 12:13

How about calling Womens Aid anyway? It's virtually impossible to turn a nice man into a monster. They have to have monster tendencies in order to break someone's ribs. It's criminal behaviour. A decent man would simply walk away.

Why can't you cope on your own?

something2say · 25/02/2014 12:23

Why do you turn men??? What is it, low self esteem???

The thing is, loads of people have low self esteem and they can annoy with their demands to reassure....but we don't hit them. They do nothing to make us hit them. If we hit them, it would be our choice.

EllaFitzgerald · 25/02/2014 12:32

It sounds like every time a man has hit you, they've told you that it's your fault and you made them do it, and you've been ground down so much that you've believed them. Sweet men do not hit their partners, no matter what.

I think you need some long term help to get yourself back on your feet and calling WA would be an excellent place to start.

something2say · 25/02/2014 12:36

I think the Samaritans actually....for the spinning headspace.....

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 25/02/2014 13:03

Thank you but I can't.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 25/02/2014 13:06

So you actually believe that you can drive a man to hit you? This is not true. Where do you think you've got such an idea from?

EllaFitzgerald · 25/02/2014 13:07

What's stopping you? I'm not asking you to explain yourself, I'm just trying to understand.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 25/02/2014 13:07

Because it happens, every time.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 25/02/2014 13:10

AtSea it's not true that you can cause a man to hit you. From your perspective I can see that's difficult to believe because you have met more than one man who has hit you. But it's not true.

Why don't you ring Women's Aid or the Samaritans?

ThinkFirst · 25/02/2014 13:12

The only thing you have done wrong is choose to be in a relationship with the wrong man. You did not force him to hit you, whatever you think you may have done to aggravate him. He should have talked to you or walked away, there is never any reason to resort to violence and break your rib. He is in the wrong here, not you. Call that number!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 13:13

Even if it happens every time, it doesn't necessarily mean you're at fault. If you got your purse snatched two weeks running would you blame yourself or put it down to bad luck? You may simply be attracted to similar qualities in men that are nice to begin with but subsequently turn out to be abusive. Or, in your eagerness to find someone, you might be overlooking early warning signs. Once you've been in an abusive relationship, it can make you doubt your own judgement.

I'd echo the suggestion to call Samaritans if you're struggling personally. Your GP would also be a good person to talk to. There's also the 'Freedom Programme' which helps victims of male abuse. That might be helpful

wyrdyBird · 25/02/2014 13:15

That man was not sweet at all, though, Sea. He was just full of nice talk. He targeted you quite deliberately.

Your instincts were screaming at you so loudly, you hid in the bathroom to get some space from him....but sadly stuck with him, and he was violent with you.

Please DO contact Women's Aid, and look up the Freedom Programme. You are blaming yourself, but it is absolutely not your fault. You simply cannot cause this behaviour in another.

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 13:16

ThinkFirst do you remember that Channel 4 drama documentary about a well-educated, successful, happy couple and how the abuse crept in to their relationship, how insidious it was and how very unclear the point in time was when his behaviour turned to abuse?

somedizzywhore1804 · 25/02/2014 13:19

OP I've had three major relationships. One of them used to hit me and abuse me and tell me it was my fault. The other two never laid a finger on me- and DH still hasn't and never would- but I'm exactly the same person with the same annoying ways and irritating habits. The boyfriend who used to abuse me did it because he was a coward an a bully, not because of me.

pumpkinsweetie · 25/02/2014 13:22

None of this is your fault.
There is no excuse for hitting/abusing a partner, and your gas lighting wouldn't have caused any of this.

He is the problem, it is only him in the wrong. You are struggling to cope alone as he has made you vulnerable, this vulnerableness will be what leads to you taking him back when you truly don't need a person like this in your life.

It wouldn't matter if you were all singing dancing perfect every day, you would still be beaten and led down a road you will truly regret.
The violence will get worse, it will escalate once the fake sweetness goes away. There is 2 women a day murdered by dv men, don't be one of them. Call Womens Aid today and don't look back.

ThinkFirst · 25/02/2014 13:23

Logg1e no I didn't see that one. I actually didn't mean to suggest that the OP had actually done anything wrong, so I sincerely appologise for that. I know that abuse doesn't always show up at the start of a relationship.

So to OP I am sorry for unintentionally implying that you had done anything wrong, you have done NOTHING wrong. Call WA and think about reporting him for abusing you if you haven't done already.

EllaFitzgerald · 25/02/2014 13:24

Cog has given you some really good advice AtSea. I don't want to come over all amateur psychologist, but I think you might be choosing the same type of men to have relationships with because their behaviour (which would trigger alarm bells for other people) are familiar to you. It seems normal to you, and therefore 'right'.

It's all about breaking that cycle and there aren't many people who are able to do that without help.

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 13:26

(Thanks for clarifying ThinkFirst I actually found the documentary on 4oD, Falling Apart, but I don't think that I'm ready to watch it again even though it's years since I watched it).

Stockhausen · 25/02/2014 13:28

Ring the number.

Viviennemary · 25/02/2014 13:35

Of course you must ring the number. For your DC's sake if not your own. You will get a chance to talk through your feelings.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 25/02/2014 14:24

I can't ring but is this freedom programme available online or is it somewhere u have to go?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 14:29

You can access the Freedom Programme online. link Although many say that part of the benefit is attending in person and talking.

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 14:32

We feel strongly that you can and should ring the number, but I can see that that advice is not helping you.

How can we help you? What do you need from us?

You can do the Freedom Programme online, it's here I think, www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

HelenHen · 25/02/2014 14:50

Is it because you don't have access to a phone or because you only want this help online? I believe women's aid have an email address if you'd rather not actually speak to anybody yet.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 25/02/2014 22:57

Thank you. I just didn't feel ready to say it all out loud again.

OP posts:
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