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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like giving up

63 replies

AtSea1979 · 25/02/2014 12:10

I attended A&E yesterday, they gave me a lip balm with woman's aid number on it. I can't ring it. It's all my fault anyway.
I can't cope on my own and when I try to settle down I turn the sweetest man in to a monster with my constant gas lighting until he finally snaps and hurts me. Now he's gone and I'm back to being unable to cope alone.
I can't go to work because of my broken rib, I'm in so much physical pain I just have to sit here still yet my head is spinning at 100 mph.
I can't relax. I can't think straight. I can't let my DC grow up like this.
What do I do?

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 28/02/2014 21:12

AtSea - i am so worried that you are drowning ...

this is all wrong wrong wrong; you've been sexually assaulted, your space invaded, demands made on you and goddess knows what you aren't telling ...

i think your mantra should switch from negative to "i can i can i can ... "

but these are just my gut thoughts and your "i can" might mean to stay put .. and i cannot watch the result of that ... wishing you back your own power, freedom and life ...

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 28/02/2014 22:17

I didn't 'stay put'. I threw him out. I broke up with him.
He lost everything because he moved from his home to live here with me and now he's been thrown out and living in a bedsit. Trouble is its doors away.

OP posts:
PatTheDog · 28/02/2014 22:24

Is there no-one in RL you can confide in? A relative or a friend's support would help you so much at the moment.

quietlysuggests · 28/02/2014 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/03/2014 08:18

You will not be blamed for letting this man into your house. You were acting under duress and you were sexually assaulted. Please go public with this and call the police 101. The only person you are protecting at the moment is him.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/03/2014 12:26

My only experience of police so far is they are useless and don't offer real help. If I turn to them they will speak to him, probably not do anything other than tell him not to do it again and leave. Then I will face the consequences.
I'd rather 'keep him on side' while I work out how to deal with it safely.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/03/2014 14:15

Well the sun is shining here, and I'm going to try and push it all from my mind and take DD to the park.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 01/03/2014 15:37

I know he's moved a few doors away because you threw him out.
What I meant was are you staying put in this situation? Not telling anyone, not reporting this assault and likely to let him in again? Sticking more to your negative experiences with police than the need to be rid of this awful man? You think you can keep him "onside"??

"He lost everything" because he is an abusive so and so and you rightly rejected him.

Enjoy the park and the sun ... Spring is gathering her power, maybe you will do the same to protect yourself and DD, to really finish this and start again ...

I'm sorry, I'm not a pushy soul at all .. have been well run over in my life by tyrants, bullies and abusers .. but to see it happening again to someone so gorgeously clever and sensitive like you ... well, it's heartbreaking.

Logg1e · 01/03/2014 16:10

I can see why you'd be reluctant to involve the police given your experience of them. I think you should ring Women's Aid so you have someone to stand by you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/03/2014 18:36

If you tell the police you were seriously sexually assaulted they cannot simply dismiss it and tell him not to do it again.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 01/03/2014 23:28

It just doesn't seem real. I know what he did was awful yet in my mind I keep thinking it can't be that bad surely. Maybe I did something to lead it to that and the police will think the same. Despite me saying "no, stop, please" repeatedly for about a minute or two until he did stop. They might wonder why I didn't jump up and try to beat him off. Yet if this was someone else writing this I'd be telling them that the absence of those things isn't consent. It just doesn't seem real somehow.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 06:46

Everything you're describing sounds extremely stressful. When under extreme stress a common way to cope is to detach from yourself and see this almost as it is happening to someone else. Hence the 'not real' feelings.

However, you cannot second-guess police reaction when you tell them you were seriously sexually assaulted. Some forces are better than others and some officers are better than others, but they should take you seriously. You may feel more comfortable talking to Rape Crisis or Womens Aid if you've had bad experiences with the police. You did not consent to being attacked. But, whatever you do, please talk to someone who can help you. Your attacker lives a few doors away, he is very violent and you are in real danger of more assaults.

tipsytrifle · 03/03/2014 19:39

AtSea - it IS that bad and it's frighteningly real, As is your absence. Thinking of you and hoping you're ok(ish)

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