Really sad and confused

[Needingchocolate]

Hi, I don't really know what to say, because I don't really know what's going on. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so have come on here (have nc'ed) but this may be a long post so please bear with me.
Dh went away for a week to see a friend. He came back last week and out of the blue said he hadn't spent all the time with his friend, he had taken some time alone to think about things. He doesn't know where he wants to be or what he wants to do. I had no idea. We have been together 18 years, and I thought we were happy.

Work is stressful - we have a business and he is the mainstay of it. Most problems come to him - there are staff but he is the decision maker and has the technical knowledge to be best placed to deal with things. He says it is not just that though, everything is intermingled. He says he still loves me, but that he doesn't know if he is in the right place. That it's like he's wearing someone else's clothes. I said that I had no idea, and he says that if I had looked i would have done. I knew work was stressful, and I knew that when the kids created it stressed him out too. But other than that, even looking back in hindsight, I don't see anything else. I was sent roses on valentines day and we were as lovey as normal before he went away. I feel lost and blindsided, and I don't know what to do to save my marriage and help him. He says he needs space and time to find some clarity, to work out what he wants to do and what would be right for him, and I can see that, I can. I just want to find out where I went wrong and if there is anything I can do to fix it. He is not only my dh, he has been my best friend too, and vice versa.

If it is OR isn't OW involved, he's still clearly dropped a big grenade in your life.

My advice would in part echo what others have already said, but don't focus on the potential for OW, and in words and deeds tell him to piss off and do what he has to do, go find himself whatever and tackle his own mid life crisis in the way he needs to, but he must know that there are consequences for his choices...make it his problem to sort out childcare, finances,business and living arrangements. Don't move out, it's a lot of fuckarsing around, will confuse the kids more and be hard to move back in later.

Remember, if you lay down, you get walked on.

Op, so sorry, please have some chocolate.

Don't know your husband's age, but it does sound like classic mid-life crisis. My dh had a bit of this a few years ago, and he came through it (took about 9 months and was triggered by the death of his mother several months earlier). My advice would be to take it in your stride, don't over-react or frantically try to please. Be logical and keep your emotions in check, as if you are dealing with a child who must be reasoned with not engaged with. Don't be judgemental, accept that the crisis is very real for him, act as if you are taking him seriously, but just keep in mind that sweeping changes he makes are likely to be transient. When you need to vent or scream and cry, phone a friend when he's not around.

My dh basically wanted to run away from all his problems. He wanted to quit his job and emigrate to Australia. I took the view that after many years of stability, he was entitled to a little indulgence. I went along with it as he started the emigration process; I also suggested he talk to a counsellor, just to make sure this wasn't a reaction to his bereavement. He had counselling, took anti-depressants and eventually realised that his problems would all still be there in Australia with him. He would still need to work for a living, etc, etc. Eventually he started volunteering locally, got more involved in the community, became a happier person, stopped taking the anti-depressants and lost interest in emigrating. He now looks back on it as his time of madness.

PS, just saw your post about not having any friends. That is very bad, you will need someone to lean on even if it's just phone support. MN can only go so far. Feel free to PM me if it helps.

Can you dig around his emails, facebook messages, mobile phone? check his mobile bills. Also is he a member of online forums - he could have met OW online and then met up with her last week.

It would worry me that he's already trying to blame you, telling you that you'd have seen how unhappy he was if you'd only looked. It's almost as though he's started making excuses for his behaviour.

It's a terrible shock for you and you must be reeling at the moment, but he's obviously made plans for his future, even in the short term, and you need to protect yourself. Telling him to leave the family home won't tell him that you're giving up on your marriage. It will tell him that he's not the only person in the marriage and that you aren't going to be treated like a doormat.

What a bombshell.

At this point I agree with AnyFuckerHQ - take some holiday from work and go away yourself, on your own. Leave him to be a single parent for a while while you take some space and think about what YOU want.

Thank you everyone. It means a lot that you all take the time to try and help. My head is so messed up I don't know which way to go. I do know of one guy though who had a blip his marriage - as he called it - but when they worked it through all was well again. His was due to pressure of work. He said then that if he had left to get some space to clear his head, it would have made it easier to stay gone and they wouldn't have got back together. I don't want to be a doormat doing a pick me dance, but I don't want to jinx things either. I will say that the spare room is thataway, but I don't think telling him to leave completely is going to be the way to go. We are 44, for the person who asked ages. Surely that screams mid life crisis??? Please...

I would, becool, but surely if it is pressure from work causing this, surely me adding extra pressure by leaving them in the lurch is going to make things worse? It's him needs to get his head straight, not me. I know what I want. But to be fair, what I want is never going to happen, cos what I want is for everything to go back the way it was before Thursday. I am also feeling guilt, in that
maybe I am making too much of this. I have told my sister now, and I wonder if I shouldn't have. If I should have kept things between us until I know more about what's going on

OK so you have a spare room - but he's not in there yet? Definitely he should be using the spare room for some "space and time" - why do you think he did not volunteer to do this already? He doesn't really want 'space and time' after all? Or you have to ask him to use spare room and therefore can be later painted the 'bad guy'. Or does he think you should move to the spare room?

No, there's been no mention of the spare room up til now. I don't know why. Denial that this is happening on my part maybe? Not that anything would happen in our room til this is sorted, I have more self respect than that, at least. I guess wanting to make things seem as normal for the kids hasn't prompted any moves that way either.

I don't understand this 'make it normal for the kids' thing. I get it from your perspective. I don't understand it from his. He's googling trial separation, told you he's confused, went off for a week but is wanting to act 'normal'.

All very selfish and unfair on you.

It's very unusual for a man to take a week off work and go and stay with a 'friend.' Why on earth would he spend that long with a mate? He stayed in a hotel down south for a week but you don't think he has time for another woman? I think he is rubbing it in your face, sorry to say.

Needingchocolate
Haven't read the whole thread thoroughly, but as someone who has worked with their DH for over 20 years, please don't under-estimate the strain that it can put upon a marriage. If you're anything like us, it's sometimes easy to forget whether you're partners or colleagues. And there is no escape to clear your head.
The other thing I would say is that this makes it even more important that you make friends/have activities away from your DH.
Feel for you - must be shit working through this.

Ask him to sleep in the spare room for a few nights. Is there anyone that could look after your children so that you can talk with him. There is no rush - but he needs to understand that when he says he isn't sure anymore that you too need space to decide what you want.

It is so very cruel. My STBXH did the same. I can rember saying to a friend that he doesn't have time for an affair. He found the time!! Bike rides out, long lunches, week nights sudden work trips away! He and I both tried to label it as mid life crisis (46) or depression. Doctor just dismissed him on the depression front!

I'm two years further on this week. It does get easier and actually the kids and I do have fun. X

My DH did the 'I'm not sure about us' thing when our son was 15 months and I had effectively lost my job after maternity leave.

I was floored by it and probably didn't handle it as well as I could have done. But one thing I did do well was to keep calm, call his bluff and say that if he really thought that way then we should look at how to move forward as separated parents.

I think that he could not compute that I hadn't reacted in the 'oh my god what do I need to change' way and ended up completely withdrawing from me for five months. We are together and things are a lot better, but not perfect.

I do think that things might have been better if I had gone away for a short time at that point.

I do agree with Branching that keeping calm and calling bluff is a very good tactic. Not only because you keep your dignity but because it enables you to somehow go about your daily business...do try to talk to someone in RL about this though.