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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really sad and confused

90 replies

Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 10:26

Hi, I don't really know what to say, because I don't really know what's going on. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so have come on here (have nc'ed) but this may be a long post so please bear with me.
Dh went away for a week to see a friend. He came back last week and out of the blue said he hadn't spent all the time with his friend, he had taken some time alone to think about things. He doesn't know where he wants to be or what he wants to do. I had no idea. We have been together 18 years, and I thought we were happy.

Work is stressful - we have a business and he is the mainstay of it. Most problems come to him - there are staff but he is the decision maker and has the technical knowledge to be best placed to deal with things. He says it is not just that though, everything is intermingled. He says he still loves me, but that he doesn't know if he is in the right place. That it's like he's wearing someone else's clothes. I said that I had no idea, and he says that if I had looked i would have done. I knew work was stressful, and I knew that when the kids created it stressed him out too. But other than that, even looking back in hindsight, I don't see anything else. I was sent roses on valentines day and we were as lovey as normal before he went away. I feel lost and blindsided, and I don't know what to do to save my marriage and help him. He says he needs space and time to find some clarity, to work out what he wants to do and what would be right for him, and I can see that, I can. I just want to find out where I went wrong and if there is anything I can do to fix it. He is not only my dh, he has been my best friend too, and vice versa.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 25/02/2014 11:03

Ok - so lets put the OW to one side (its a bit predictable and that is not what the OP is asking about just now). There may or may not be one - the information that you have at this present time is that there isn't.

So what is it exactly that he wants - sorry but your OP is a bit vague, that might be because he is being vague of course. He says its intermingled, well it would be if you are working together - i work with (well help sometimes) my DP and it can be a source of stress, when he is bored with work i take umbrage because i think he is bored, therefore, with us. What is it that he wants to change? Does he want a career change? Considering that you are part of the business this is a big deal and puts added pressure on him because its not just him, if directly affects you, i would assume that you would not be able to take over the business from comments that he has made. Conversely, it is difficult because if it is personal life that is going wrong for him he can't separate this from his work life.

He needs to be more definate in what he wants to change - he cannot expect you to just wait in the background for him to change his mind. PLEASE don't do this. For one thing, it wont help either of you - its very easy to think and say "i want out" when you don't REALLY think it will happen, i think you need to be clear - if he wants space, then he has to take it - and leave you to your space. No going for a trial separation, bullshit - he wants to leave, then he must leave - tell him this - its better than dragging it out if he really wants to leave (because he will go anyway) and it might just make him realise he isn't playing a game.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 11:04

It's OK. It's bloody scary when your whole world is being turned upside down on the strength of someone saying 'I don't know what I want'. Very emotional and stressful stuff. It's quite normal to want to cling on to his metaphorical ankles and stop him walking out the door. I bet you haven't told anyone else bar MN yet have you? You're still hoping it'll blow over and don't want to involve others. Also normal

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:12

Don't panic op. no need to worry about finding somebody else or being on your own today. Deal with a day at a time. The present. You can't control anything other than your life today. You need to address THIS situation.

Do not do the pick me dance.

Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:13

You're right. A Pick me dance is a crap idea. I hadn't looked at it like that. I don't want to kick him out though, and I can't leave. I truly don't believe there is an OW, but time will tell. I have thought about moving, but there is a lot invested in this house, not least the business, and it means the kids would have to move school. If I did make him leave, or if I left myself, the kids would then blame me. I want to shield them as much as possible. I want to work things out if possible, but I don't want to be a doormat. That's not healthy for me and its not healthy for my kids to witness as role model. If he leaves, it has to be his decision and his responsibility. If he doesn't value what we have, then he has to answer for that and accept the consequences, some of which will be the kids knowing it was his decision to leave.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:16

What is he not happy with?

Your life together? The business? Where you live?

You're taking too much of this in your shoulders. If he leaves or you leave the kids wouldn't blame you. They would need to be told some version of the truth. That its dad not happy with the situation as it is.

How old are the dc?

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 11:16

One way of him seeing how good he has it is for him to experience not having it for a bit.

I also think it'll be easier to cope if you separate out your two concerns. One, being without him and Two, being on your own. They are not necessarily the same thing.

Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:18

Thanks guys, you are all being really helpful. I am taking so long to type out my posts I keep getting way behind. lemming around, I sled, he says he doesn't know. I think he is as lost as I feel at the moment. Cogito, that's absolutely it. And no, I haven't said anything to anyone else, just MN. I think considering the way we are considered to be strong together and happy and made for each other etc etc - all things said to us at various times, its going to come as a shock to others as much as to me. I don't even want to think about that just now, I'm having enough problems dealing with my own reaction. And thank you mammadiggingdeep, you are right too. And I'm trying not to panic. Its just not working

OP posts:
Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:21

Stupid autocorrect, just read my post, and not sled, asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:24

The kids are 8 and 12, about to turn 9 and 13 next month. I don't know what he is not happy with, and I'm not sure that he knows. It may be a mid life thing, like I said earlier, or it may not. Who knows. I just know that he is "confused", and so now I am.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 25/02/2014 11:25

Do some digging OP, find out what's really happening here. Knowledge is power.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 11:25

"If he leaves, it has to be his decision and his responsibility."

It puts you in a position of weakness to be waiting on someone else's thumbs-up or thumbs-down. You're already on the back foot here, he's running this show and I think that's when it gets very depressing because, on top of everything else, your life is hanging on someone else's selfish whim.

If you kick him out and the kids blame you then it would simply be because they don't understand the dynamic. Somehow, tough though it is, you have wrestle control of this situation.

LEMmingaround · 25/02/2014 11:26

He owes you an explanation, it is not enough to say he doesn't know how he feels - whatever it is he is feeling was strong enough for him to take himself off to "think" and its strong enough for him to upset you with it.

How has he left things? Has he made this massive announcement and then just let things stand? leaving you in limbo? That isn't fair, he doesn't get to do that.

What you need to know is what happens now? time frames etc - also HE needs to know what you want to happen, you need to tell him that you aren't just going to wait around while he sorts himself out. He has dropped the bombshell, he needs to now act on it, one way or another - he either goes, or he stays and you make a go of things - he doesn't get to stay while he makes up his mind.

Aussiemum78 · 25/02/2014 11:31

Short term can you separate yourself from the business? Stop working for him and seek work elsewhere. Also can his business be done from another property - give him a push to stay elsewhere for awhile.

Agree with pp. you don't get homesick at home, you get it while you are away and without all the comforts. He needs to experience no home, no wife, kids on weekends and loss of income to get clarity on how green that grass is.

Do you have any female clients/business partners/school mums/neighbours/Facebook friends that dp mentions or has close contact with? It does sound suspicious.....

Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:32

I hear what you are saying, but if I kick him out, am I not giving up? I still believe we can work, that this could be a blip that has repercussions (I'm not downplaying it) but which can eventually be worked out. If I kick him out I am saying you can't have the safe harbour you thought you had in our marriage to work out whatever is wrong, I'd be saying that I don't believe in us, and I'd be sticking the Vs up at 18 years of good. I don't want to do a pick me dance, but I don't want to through the baby out with the bathwater either.

OP posts:
JollyGolightly · 25/02/2014 11:32

No wonder you're confused, it doesn't add up. Can you look through his internet history and emails? An online "relationship" could quite easily result in an away date and then the kind of nebulous I'm not happy bullshit talk he has come out with.
You won't be able to make any real progress until you know what's actually going on.

MatryoshkaDoll · 25/02/2014 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerHQ · 25/02/2014 11:33

It is certainly the case that often it is the person not giving enough to a relationship that is the one to express satisfaction with it and to look outside of it for what they think they need

OP, his "happiness" is not your responsibility, it is his

if my H told me he "wasn't sure" if he wanted me or not, he would be told to fuck off away from me then. He would not be allowed to stay right where he was, moping around and putting a downer on all of the family's daily life

he is here because he wants to be, or off he pops (and vice versa)

get some backbone, love, or you really are veering into doormat territory here

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:33

Personally I think the kids are old enough to be told the truth (child version).

Daddy's not happy, he feels he wants to be alone for a while- its nothing we've done, he needs to sort things out.

This is down to him so he should have to have the chat with them too.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:35

Exactly- why does he want to stay on a situation he's 'not happy and confused in'

Honestly- tell him to have all the time he needs. Meanwhile you and your kids carry on and have fun.

Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:36

Yes, he made this announcement on Thursday when he got back. It has been standing since. I have tried to find out more, but haven't really got anywhere.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 25/02/2014 11:37

Having stayed (stupidly) with a serial adulterer (including with my 'best' friend) for twenty dreadful years, when I read your post, OP, it absolutely SCREAMED OW! to me.

I take on board your doubts about this - but time will tell. A few minutes ago, I read on this thread the 'Pick Me Dance' someone posted - and I too had a shudder of recognition, of ME back in the 1970s/80s, when my 'D'H went out at night to meet his current woman, leaving me weeping hopelessly and begging him not to go.

If MN had existed then, I bet I'd never have put up with it for so long - wasted years. Please don't make the same mistake, OP. I fear than an OP will come crawling out of the woodwork at some point.

oldgrandmama · 25/02/2014 11:38

OW, not OP - brain and fingers going in opposite directions.

Hullygully · 25/02/2014 11:40

If he hadn't been away and then come back and dropped it on you out of th e blue...I'd be inclined to think maybe it IS a midlife thing, maybe he is fed up, thinking of a change, looking at the yawning grave etc.

But if you thought everything was fine, and if he hadn't given any clue, or talked to you, or said, I'm a bit fed up etc then that does suggest someone else to me. It's too odd.

MatryoshkaDoll · 25/02/2014 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e · 25/02/2014 11:41

OP if I kick him out, am I not giving up?7

No in my opinion, because you're not ending the marriage. You're putting boundaries in place - "this is our marriage, this is our family home". And really, you need some boundaries in order to protect yourself and the children. His safe harbour is still there, for the time being, if he chooses it.

Also, I really do think he needs a taste of the other life he's considering choosing. He can't experience this if he's still in the marriage home and enjoying the teamwork of married life.