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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really sad and confused

90 replies

Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 10:26

Hi, I don't really know what to say, because I don't really know what's going on. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so have come on here (have nc'ed) but this may be a long post so please bear with me.
Dh went away for a week to see a friend. He came back last week and out of the blue said he hadn't spent all the time with his friend, he had taken some time alone to think about things. He doesn't know where he wants to be or what he wants to do. I had no idea. We have been together 18 years, and I thought we were happy.

Work is stressful - we have a business and he is the mainstay of it. Most problems come to him - there are staff but he is the decision maker and has the technical knowledge to be best placed to deal with things. He says it is not just that though, everything is intermingled. He says he still loves me, but that he doesn't know if he is in the right place. That it's like he's wearing someone else's clothes. I said that I had no idea, and he says that if I had looked i would have done. I knew work was stressful, and I knew that when the kids created it stressed him out too. But other than that, even looking back in hindsight, I don't see anything else. I was sent roses on valentines day and we were as lovey as normal before he went away. I feel lost and blindsided, and I don't know what to do to save my marriage and help him. He says he needs space and time to find some clarity, to work out what he wants to do and what would be right for him, and I can see that, I can. I just want to find out where I went wrong and if there is anything I can do to fix it. He is not only my dh, he has been my best friend too, and vice versa.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 11:42

"if I kick him out, am I not giving up?"

No. You'd be asserting yourself and at the same time giving him the space and time he talked about. You could call it a 'trial separation' if you like. Prevarication is cruel and rejecting cruelty is not giving up.

AnyFuckerHQ · 25/02/2014 11:43

in my last post I meant to type dissatisfaction of course

JeanSeberg · 25/02/2014 11:45

If you won't kick him out, at the very very least stop doing his laundry, cleaning, cooking etc etc.

My personal opinion is that during this mysterious trip away, him and OW broached the subject of leaving respective partners. She's asked for some more time to sort her situation so in the meantime he's planting the seed in your head to get you geared up to him moving on.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:48

It doesn't have to be on a hostile "fuck off" type way that he goes. You can tell him you're not giving up in him but you think it would be helpful to both of you if he can do his 'being confused' elsewhere.

Tbh you sound totally in the dark. He needs to talk to you more. He's holding all the info and you're guessing :(

Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 11:49

Maybe you are all right. mAybe I have my head in the sand. I don't know. Just because I can't see there being an OW doesn't necessarily mean there isn't one. A week ago I would have sworn blind that this wouldn't be happening either. I just looked on internet history - I know I shouldn't - but all there was that wasn't work related was stuff about trial separations. Whether I ask him to leave or not, it looks like that's the way things are going.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:49

Typos with my 'in' and 'on's' sorry.....

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 25/02/2014 11:52

If you want him back, it works counterintuitively, IMO.

So you need to emotionally distance yourself, make plans to go out with friends, don';t be in any way needy or pleading. Instead, feign independence, good humour and the fact you are not that bothered. No need to pretend you don't care, you DO care, but life goes on and there are plans to be made. Also, make bloody well sure you have a grip on your financial situation, if it comes to the worst. No harm done if it doesn't come to the worst to have a clear inventory of who owns what, a telephone number of a good solicitor and an emergency plan.

In a relationship, if one person desperately tries to please the other, the other ends up not respecting this person. Sadly.

You have to "pretend" an attitude of self respect, and independence, until it becomes your natural attitude.

Being accommodating, sympathetic may well come across as needy and clingy…which will only push him further away. Please try hard to not come across as needy.

Be strong, ask him outright if there is another woman, that you need to ask this. Then take it from there.

PoppyField · 25/02/2014 11:53

Hi OP,

Awful thing for him to spring on you. All the good advice on here is all going in the same direction pretty much. You need to have some control in this situation, which means you need to take control.

You are not 'kicking him out' - he may try to pin that on you, but he has started this and he needs to understand there are consequences of his actions. His announcement has had a massive impact on you - he can't swan about thinking it's all about him. If there are no consequences for him then he has implicit permission for this appalling treatment of you.

So I see from your last post that he has landed this bombshell on you and actually left you flapping in the wind for days. I am outraged on your behalf. Your real life friends and family would be outraged too. Find your inner lioness and tell him he needs to 'not come home' for a few days. He can't do this to you and expect to carry on as normal. Tell him to go and do his thinking somewhere else... he can't come out with something like this and stay in your face. That's a kind of torture and he has to see that. He may try wilfully not to see that and to dismiss your feelings if you tell him this. Stand firm.

Good luck to you and you will feel less alone. Can't you ring your mum or a RL friend as well?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2014 11:53

I don't think you have your head in the sand at all. You've had a really nasty shock, the person you'd normally talk problems through with is the one who is the source of the shock, and your brain and emotions are trying to go in twenty different directions at once. It's really horrible and a lot of us have stood right where you're standing. No-one here can tell you what to do, you have to decide that for yourself but I personally would urge you to make some kind of decision rather than waiting for more decisions to be inflicted on you.

ProbablyCaroline · 25/02/2014 11:54

So he's been googling Trial Separations? In a legal sense or emotional? What sort of sites were they? So sorry you're going through this OP and think that as others have said you really need to assert your own needs right now....that includes not hanging about in limbo waiting for the "axe" to fall.

He's rocked your world...why should YOU sit there in misery waiting for him to decide what he's doing?

In your shoes I would either be packing his bags or I'd be taking myself off somewhere for a few days to make HIM sweat.

MadBusLady · 25/02/2014 11:54

Sorry this is happening to you OP. He gets a safe harbour for as long as he is committed to your relationship - and that can cover all sorts of problems and ups and downs. But this is not that, he is telling you he isn't committed any more. He doesn't get a safe harbour for that.

I know why you want to play it like that though. You want to wake up and find this was all a bad dream, and the less things change in your real life situation, the smoother and easier that scenario would be.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 11:59

He's googled trial separation? So now he owes it to you to talk about that...

He needs to talk to you. He's being very selfish- to land you with this and then let you tie yourself in knots wondering and stressing what it's all about...

dollius · 25/02/2014 12:00

If he's googling "trial separations", then you need to take back the control right now. If you just wait around for him to come to a decision, he will have the upper hand and he will be calling all the shots.

Tell him to leave now and not come back until he has some proper explanation as to why he is behaving like a total tit.

MrBusterIPresume · 25/02/2014 12:01

OP, it might not be as concrete as a full-blown affair. About a year ago my Dh confessed to an 18-month-long infatuation with a work colleague. Not reciprocated, so no actual affair - but his thoughts and emotional energy had been directed away from me and towards her for that length of time. For months prior to fessing up he had become snappy and moody, expressed general dissatisfaction with his life and went on long drives to random parts of the country late at night to "clear his head" (while leaving me to think he'd gone to work). Oh, and like you I was told that I "should have known". No advice for you (I didn't kick him out, which was probably the wrong choice but necessary for complicated reasons), but lots of sympathy.

ProbablyCaroline · 25/02/2014 12:05

A sort of intense "crush" Buster? I can imagine that and the impact it could have.

mammadiggingdeep · 25/02/2014 12:07

Yes...it doesn't need to be a full blown affair to cause behaviour like this, I agree.

Sorry you went through that buster.

Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 12:08

Thanks, buster, and I'm sorry you had this too. It's shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needingchocolate · 25/02/2014 12:12

Mum and dad are away at the moment, maybe the kids and I could move into their house for a bit. But work is at home. If I move out, I still need to do that, or I can't support them. And that means being with him at work. If I quit work, I have to try to find a new job, which means I won't be at home for the kids, and basically gives him our business.

OP posts:
FatherJake · 25/02/2014 12:13

Guy here. I would unfortunately echo the other posts. Trying to get him to stay is a bad, bad idea - the only thing that will raise you in his eyes is to show that you can get along fine without him and for you to take the upper hand. I cannot emphasise how much more attractive that attitude is. Tell him to leave.

I would also be almost sure that another woman (or man..) has something to do with it - maybe there's a proper affair, maybe he's infatuated with someone, maybe he's had a one night stand and suddenly thinks he's been missing out all these years. At any rate there will be something to that effect. He is not just going to wander into the distance to sit on a lonely hillside, stare at the rugged wilderness and ponder his existence.

SawofftheOW · 25/02/2014 12:14

My DH initially googled 'Trial Separations' and later moved on to 'How to tell your partner you are having an affair and want to leave'. I'm so sorry, OP, as countless others have said, this screams OW. You really need to find out where he was during that missing week. As Cog says, countless others of the MN army have gone through what you are enduring nowSad. It is beyond horrible but knowledge is power. At the moment, he has all of the power because only he knows what is really going on, as opposed to what he tells you. Start snooping. We're with you and hand-holding.

MrBusterIPresume · 25/02/2014 12:15

It is indeed shit, and I'm sorry you're going through this, chocolate. I wasn't savvy enough at the time to recognise the "script", but have since been educated by mn. The sense of helplessness and "how the actual f**k is this my life?" is very destabilising.

I hope you can see your way to regaining some control - I agree with all the posters who have suggested that you ask him to leave if that is possible without making your/DCs' lives significantly worse.

PoppyField · 25/02/2014 12:20

I want to add a bit more tea and sympathy Needingchoc.

You're right, it is shit. Cogito is also right, you are in shock.

Taking decisive action when your head and heart are all over the place is really hard. It is also a very lonely place. Take a little strength from the fact that you have a big pile of MN friends here who are rooting for you. The main thing is, you and your children deserve better than this. We know it. You know it. Hold onto that.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 25/02/2014 12:34

There is another thread where the OP swore blind no way would her husband have another woman. This went on for a bit and of course there was. Some men are so bloody predictable. Don't be like so many women and sit around waiting for the his lordship to see if another woman's bed is worth having to be the bad guy who cheated on his wife. Make your own decisions now. And the worst thing that could happen is not him leaving you, believe me.

Good luck.

ProbablyCaroline · 25/02/2014 12:37

Don't even think about giving up the business at the moment...you can take time off...paid...none of this is your fault. Tell the bugger you're having some "leave" and he can sort the resultant problems out on his own. You are not to think about that...he's caused all this!

AnyFuckerHQ · 25/02/2014 12:48

Take some paid leave from work and bugger off on your own for "some time to think" leaving him with the kids and all the plates to keep spinning

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