Moving away from family

[TotallyFoxed]

I don't want to give too much detail as I don't want to be identified (dsis is probably on here) but just wanted a flavour of what others would do in in this situation: dh and I would really like to move about an hour from here but it would mean being that much further away from dh's elderly father so that he would not be able to visit us on his own and obviously would see us, and his grandchildren, less. We also provide a small amount of care for him but this would matter less to us than it would make him feel insecure. Neither side of the family is keen, or very supportive towards our wishes to move but we feel it would be beneficial in many ways to our future lives. What do we do?

If the move would be the best thing for you, your DH and the DC then you should do it. I would hate my DC when grown to feel they couldn't take up opportunities because it would involve moving an hour away from me! Are other family members unsupportive of your plans because they see themselves having increased responsibility for FIL as a result? Will it be possible to spend longer with FIL less frequently once you move e.g. a whole day every month spent sorting the garden/taking him out to lunch or whatever he needs rather than frequent shorter popping in visits?

If there are others around who are able to take up the amount of care you provide for your FIL and the move would make a positive impact on your family prospects, then go. No question. If you both feel good about the move and the only negatives are from outside guilt tripping pressure, then move. If the positives outweigh the negatives on a list, then move. I grew up overseas far far away from family and the time we did spend together was rich, fun and are memories I treasure. Moving a few hours away isn't a huge deal if your family might prosper. Good luck

Thanks. That all sounds really logical but that hour away may as well be to the other side of the moon in our family. It would be seen as a real desertion to DH's father - there's no one around as close as we are. He'd feel really vulnerable by us being that far away and would be very hurt, possibly doing irreparable damage to our relationship. He really thrives on the day-to-day brief contacts rather than 'quality time'. Especially with the kids. It's very difficult. On one hand I think we could live to regret 'leaving him' but the move is so attractive to us for several reasons. There's no way dfil would move that far along with us. It's v hard.

I know its a difficult one. I moved 200 miles from my home city where I had always lived when pregnant with my first DC as it was the right location for my and DH's new family situation. I always think the rule of thumb is how would you like your DC to treat you if you were the elderly parent in this situation.

Well in that case it's simple, we stay put. And that would feel like the right thing to do when considering dfil's wishes and happiness. But that's putting the preferences of one person over everyone else. But if I was in his position then that's absolutely what would make me happy and secure.

If the right thing to do is what you would like your kids to do to you, then I would want my kids to feel free to move wherever they wanted. Thankfully thats what my mum said when we moved to Oz! You have to live your own life and prioritise what is best for yourself, partner and children IMO.

I think he sounds rather selfish tbh. What kind of parent stops their child getting on in life just because it means moving a few miles away? Most parents I know support their kids moving onwards and upwards, even if it involved emigrating to another country. They'd be sad about it but they wouldn't guilt-trip them into sticking around. Hope you don't end up regretting missing the opportunity.

BTW... how elderly is elderly?

Are you saying you would totally expect your DC to live very close to you when you are elderly and not consider moving, even if it's to the detriment of their own marriage, career or DC? If so then fair enough it would not be the right thing for you to move away from your FIL. But you are a far more dutiful, self sacrificing DIL than I would be in the same circs!

We moved - overseas actually. Because we decided our quality of life, and that of future children (now have DD) would be better placed where we moved to. And that is absolutely the case - hands down. Because we are far away it makes things hard but I think had we stayed in London, we would have gone slowly insane with it all. You will always feel some guilt, and get family members being upset about it - but look at in in a nice way - they will miss you. And they will re-adjust. It may take a bit of time, but it happens. Has DH thought about secure housing for his father - with a warden but still living independently - then he will have other people to socialise with, and they have things to do together (if they wish) during the day. It is NOT a home - not that there is anything wrong with that either. You must do what is right for your own family first, then extended next TBH.

I agree with others, that you should make the move if it is the best thing for you. Can other family members not pick up some of the slack? They've no right to judge you if they are not doing their part. Can dfil learn to use skype perhaps to keep in touch? Appreciate this is not always possible, just an idea! Presumably sacrificing this opportunity might also cause irreparable damage to your relationship with dfil as you would inevitably feel some resentment.

Thanks for all your replies. I've had a good think today and was also in the area we're thinking of moving to for work. Reading other peoples responses has made me think more clearly about doing what's best for our family unit BUT it's also taken the shine off how much better I was thinking our lives would be after a move. I think because there was some resistance to the move that I was seeing it as a perfect location and lifestyle through rose tinted glasses. Coming home I saw that the place we currently live is pretty much just as nice. I'm not ruling out a move because it would be better for work and schools but am seeing it more rationally and going to take some time over deciding what to do. I think before I was seeing it as black and white - what we want v what's best for FIL like a conflict. There are probably middle roads to be explored.