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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

need help!

53 replies

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:30

Hi,

I need some help or advice on a particular situation but find it really difficult to talk about.

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CarlyP · 09/08/2006 12:31

unless you say, we cant help........no one knows you in RL. go for it.......

LucyJones · 09/08/2006 12:32

Can't give any advice until we know the problem.

alicemama · 09/08/2006 12:32

Hi gem,
I know the feeling all too well atm. If you need to vent pls feel free.

You could always e-mail me if you like

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:33

i dont want ppl to judge me or think bad of me coz i am really not a bad person

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alicemama · 09/08/2006 12:36

no one thinks you're a bad person, we're all to good at being to hard on ourselves.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:37

i'm in a relationship with a man who is married......i know i know...... but i really love him and he tells me he loves me too. i dont know his wife but he says that there marrige had been dead for years but cant leave her because of his kids he has with her. i dont know if he is leading me on or if he is genuine and this is the case coz he is a very caring man and i can see him not wanting to hurt anyone let alone his kids

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bluejelly · 09/08/2006 12:38

Is he the father of your child?

LucyJones · 09/08/2006 12:38

poor you I think you know what the answer is though - if he's never going to leave her what sort of future will you have?

alicemama · 09/08/2006 12:41

are you completely sure he's not making excuses?
if he really loves you then he should be more than willing to leave her, it doesn't mean he'll lose any relationhip with his kids.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:43

yes he is it wasn't a planned pregnancy.

he says he wll leave when his kids av finished school. in aprox 2 yrs. he says he doesnt want to affect their education...

am i just being stupid and gullable.

pls be honest

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bluejelly · 09/08/2006 12:45

Very hard to tell. But it sounds like he is putting his other kids ahead of yours. Which would make me feel

bluejelly · 09/08/2006 12:46

However I would say that you are in the very early days of parenthood and sometimes it is easier and more sensible not to analyse things too much.
Look after yourself, the baby, concentrate on that and you can address the relationship at a later date.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:46

yeah it does me 2 but fel when hes not around so i dnt know what to do.... either way im sad.

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gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:48

thats wot i thought that if he loved me as much as he says he wud want to be with us all the time...

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alicemama · 09/08/2006 12:49

if the children will be leaving school in a couple of years, I think they would be old enough to understand.

bluejelly · 09/08/2006 12:49

Sorry you are sad. Try not to beat yourself up. Take it one day at a time. Try and enjoy your new baby, and get out and about as much as possible. Life will get better I'm sure.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:52

thats what i saty to him that they r old enugh but he thinks their school work wud suffer because of it and he doesnt want that... wud i be better to just cut my losses and look elsewhere.

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CarlyP · 09/08/2006 12:56

youd be better to cut your looses and NOT look elsewhere. have some time for u and your little one. see what happens when he realises your not a 'doormat' and 'easy lay' when 'the wife' is getting him down......

(not saying you are an easy lay btw, jsut a phrase iyswim)

CarlyP · 09/08/2006 12:56

is he alot older than you?

alicemama · 09/08/2006 12:57

nobody can really answer that but you, we're not in the relationship.
you need to make sure you and your little one are happy & healthy.
perhaps take a break from each other and maybe he'd realise what his life would be like without you sand you can take time to gather yourself together and gain a bit of strength and confidence in yourself

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 12:59

he is a bit yeah.

maybe ur right.... if he loves me as much as he sas he wont ant to be without me and will go one way or the other if im not around,

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Kathlean · 09/08/2006 12:59

hmm, will his children finish their education in 2 years?? What about college, university? Perhaps his wife will get ill and of course he can't leave her then can he (sorry cynical moment). What are you going to do then? Waste you life for x more years because you really love each other for a man who may never ever be there for you.

Tell him to either make the break now or to go away and come back in 2 years when his kids have left school and he has left his wife.

No matter how dead HE thinks their relationship is you have no idea what his wife thinks. She could think it is all happy and rosy and they could be having sex twice a day for all you know (despite what he says to you). She could be looking forwards to in two years time having her and her husbands lives back so they can go and do what they want childfree.

You have only to read many of the posts on here to know how hurt, betrayed and deceived some of the women have been. How much this has affected them and their children.

You, your child, his wife and her children all deserve much more that to be treated like this. How do you think his children especially are going to feel when (if) they find out they have a brother?

I think you were stupid to start a relationship with a married man but hey we are all stupid sometimes (especially me). It's what you do NOW and for the future that can rectify that situation.

Also bear in mind that his wife is probably going to hate your guts and do everything she can to hurt you. He children will probably feel the same for a long time.

Wow what a waffle, good luck for whatever you do.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 13:02

i know what ur saying.

i av to go now feeding time 4 baby but pls carry on leavin messages and i'll pick hem up l8r.

thanks 4 bein honest. i know what u mean

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Kathlean · 09/08/2006 13:02

Ahh loads of posts whist I was typing my essay.

Just wanted to add a quick point.

You may be sad if he is not around but at least you will be able to hold your head high for the future rather than be ashamed of carrying on an affair.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 14:39

yeah i know u r right and i know the right thing i need to do.
thanks

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