need help!

[gem1984]

Hi,

I need some help or advice on a particular situation but find it really difficult to talk about.

I think that men say it so often, their marriage is dead but they can't leave their wife. Imo he wants his cake and to eat it - he knows that you're going to stick around while he keeps saying he'll leave his wife in x years. I wouldn't even say to him to come back in two years if he's left his wife, I would tell him that you deserve better and then I would cut my losses and leave.

Put yourself in the wife's situation, how would you feel if you were in a relationship and then found out that your partner had a child by another woman and that the relationship had been carrying on with her for years? Also think about this - if he's done it to his wife, then he could do it to you.

yes i know. if i was the wife i would be fuming, even if the marrige was dead coz i would hope if it was that dead we wud split anyway without him having the affair.... i hate myself for doing it and feel 4 his wife.

i'm on holiday at theminute staying wth parents but as soon as i get home i am going to sort this once and for all and do the rght thing.

Hi Gem, I have been in a similar position to you insofar as dp was just ending his marraige when i first met him.
He had a child from an affair and he hadn't left home because he was sure his wife would do her best to turn the kids against him. It was not right of him to do this but his ex gf lived in another country and they wern't going to be together anyway. Unfortunately history has proved him right and his ex wife has indeed totally turned her youngest daughter against him, as well as treating the elder two apallingly.
I now appreciate that his exwife is an unbalanced person and that he knew this and that that is why he felt it preferable to wait til they were a bit older to leave.
I hasten to add that he left home soon after I met him and that there was little between us before then.
I have to say that I don't mean to give you hope as I think that your dp's excuse is pretty weak, as someone else said there will always be excuses and the damage was done when he decided to play away.
I would do as the advice on here says, look after your self and your lo. You have to put yourself and lo first as unfortunately your dp isn't and that isn't good enough.
He may not be thinking that he is having his cake and eating it but he is and you are enabling it.
Take care of you.

i know he is. I've always been a very trusting person (some might say gullable) and maybe he spotted that a mile off. i am definately going to do the right thing as soon as i'm home. in the meantime ds is my main priority.

I HATE MEN! (apart from my ds)

No don't hate men there are plenty of decent ones around. I suggest that you concentrate on making sure that your dp is a proper father to you ds. To me that would include telling his wife and kids (your ds deserves to have a relationship with his siblings). Don't allow your ds to be swept under the carpet for your dp's convenience. The damage to his family is done already, he is just living a lie now, don't put up with it.

I don't mean you should tell his wife and kids, I meant he should.

how could i get him to do that though... i doont know his wife or kids. how cud i get it all right

Make it a condition of visitation and if he doesn't want to do it walk away. If your child doesn't mean enough to his dad to stand up in public for him, then he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with him.
I'm sorry that this sounds heavy handed but it is a very serious situation.
I'm sure you are a young and lovely woman, there will be better men in your life as long as you expect a high standard.

ok thanks 4 ur help. i know u r right and know wht i need 2 do. i'll let u know how it goes.

Ok good luck, stay strong and keep us updated

no he doesnt pay maintenance as such but when i ask him to buy something he willor he turns up with nappies and formula etc.

well i spoke to him on the phone last night and i told him i wanted to end it and that it wasnt right for me and my ds and his dw and kids.

he broke down crying telling me he doesnt want to loose me at all. so i told him the only way he could be with me is to end it with his dw, end of. but he kept on saying he couldnt and i knew the reason why.

what do i do....hlp!!!

Well sweetheart he is asking you and your child to come second to his wife and other dc. No matter how you look at it that is not good enough for any of you. Not respectful to you, his wife or any of his kids.
I'm sorry to be harsh but he has made these choices and he has to sort out the consequences. You would be well advised to not listen to him crying(he's crying out of panic and self pity I'm guessing).
Ask him what he thought was going to happen. Did he think that you were going to spend the best years of your life being a single parent and waiting for the crumbs from his table? Because that is what he is asking of you.
Would he like a man to treat his dd like this, I suspect the answer is no.
Actually what have you told your family about your ds's dad?

i know. i stayed strong and left the conversation at that i would talk ore when i got home but i think he knows im not going to stand 4 it anymore. thay live far away so dont know much.

All I can say, no matter if he leaves his wife for you, hes capable of "cheating"... you dont want to think 4, 5 years down the line "is he doing the same to me?". Free yourself from the "relationship", and spend time with your child and thikning about what you want from life. I know its so much easier said than done, but ive bitterly regretted never being on my own to sort my own life out. Yes, he might love you, im not denying that, but you will find someone more suitable. Obviously you'll still be in contact via the child, but im sure you want so much more from a man... and its out there, but you wont find it hanging on for this man. Be strong

i'm sure he does love you very much. but he's not putting you or your ds first, he's putting his other kids and dw first, which is probably what he should be doing. you deserve more than this. you deserve a loving partner who is always there and not making excuses as to why he can't be with you. and you deserve someone who won't cheat on you. be strong. you're the only person that can really guage this. do you think you want to wait for years while life and opportunities pass you by?

Don't want to comment on your relationship but would just like to say that I left my husband because our marriage had been dead for over five years. I made the decision to leave with the children because amongst other things I did not think it was healthy for them witnessing such an unhealthy relationship between me and xh. As for education, for various reasons my children have been in two different schools in the past two years and it hasn't affected their education at all, both have had SATs this year and are above average.

As a wife who discovered h was having an affair - who then supposedly stopped (didn't in reality) I do feel for you, but my gut feeling is telling me that as someone else said he your dp wants his cake and eat it. My h doesn't seem to know what he wants. Another time/situation and he would be my xh. Such is life. Put you and your ds first please and give your dp an ultimatum don't be still sat there 10 years from now wondering if he's going to leave her

What a tangled bloody web.

I don't think he will leave. Get yourself a life, concentrate in what you have, your baby especially. You are already living without him. You are loosing nothing and have everything to gain by taking control of your own life and being a good mother to your baby.

well its all over. i gave him the ultimatum and he didnt choose me (which i nknew wouldnt happen). all i can do now is get over it and concentrate on my ds. was my own fault for starting it in the first place.

thanks everyone though coz i wouldn't of been able to do it on my own without words of advice and support and that little extra push that i needed.

bump

{{{{hugs}}}} for you. look to the future now, and find someone that doesn't cheat, treats you with respect and makes you feel that you're no. 1.

ive just read through the thread, you have done the right thing, the most important thing is for u to concerntrate on yourself and your child. you both deserve better than to be on the side, at least you know were you stand now and you can move on ( i know it might not be easy), just make sure that he helps out with your child because it takes two to make a baby and he needs to face up to his responsilbilities!!!

be strong, your better off without him!!