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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Peter is coming home tomorrow, and i am worried about living together again.

53 replies

misdee · 08/08/2006 16:53

its the big day tomorrow. after 14months of living 30miles apart and visiting him in hospital he is finally allowed to come home with the LVAD. but I am so so worried. I lvoe him, but can we survive living in this half-life any longer? I dont feel like a wife, i feel like a carer and mother. I dont feel appricated and loved. i am made to feel inadaquate as a carer by MIL snyway, and i am so so dreaded him coming home, as well as being over the moon sbout it.

just so so confused.

OP posts:
trinityrhino · 08/08/2006 16:56

oh hun, for you, it will be difficult at first but lovely aswell

bundle · 08/08/2006 16:57

oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're feeling like this but I'm sure it's how most of us would feel, it's completely normal to have mixed emotions after what you've been through. it might be that the apprehension is worse than the actual reality though. can you get some counselling? it does sound like rather a lot to cope with emotionally (as well as the more obvious, practical stuff) and I'm sure many other people have been through it before you so a psychologist may be able to help, x

melrose · 08/08/2006 16:57

Poor you! Have followed your story for a while now. My advice would be to take each day at a time. You cannot expect things not to have changed, but i am so sure you will get there.

Think one of the most important thing is to be honest ewith him about how you are feeling. I am sure taht will be hard but will make tyhings much easier in the long term.

Good Luck!!!

gothicmama · 08/08/2006 16:57

you are a wife, ignore MIL, he choose to marry you find an activity or game or something that is just for you and Peter and tell yourself you are appreciated. I think youare amazing to get this afr and to question yourself now shows how lovely you are stay strong

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 16:59

the thing thats worrying me most is the upheavel with the kids, especially dd3. i have a great bond with dd3, after raising her practically alone due to peter being hospital. lately she has become very jealous if peter gives me a hig/kiss. how do i balence everyones needs. i dont want dd3 to feel jealous, but she obviously does in some respects.

OP posts:
melrose · 08/08/2006 17:00

Could you do something special together once he is settled back in. I think it easy for all us mum's to forget we are wives too, so cannlot imagine how ghard your situation must be. If you can try and make a regular time to do someting as husband and wife, even if it is to watch telly together, it can really help

eefs · 08/08/2006 17:01

I can imagine he is fairly apprehensive about it too. just don't expect too much of eachother and try to find some time alone in the evenings together for chat. You'll have to get to know eachother again. The girls are going to be so excited they will probably monopolise him for the first while in any case.
good luck

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 17:01

its our wedding anniversary soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 17:04

thw weird thing is, he fell really ill after moving here, so he has lived more days at the hospital than at home.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 08/08/2006 17:04

oh misdee I think it will be yet another big challenge. Having him at home and having his helpers there too will be very strange and difficult to adjust to.

I spent 3 months in hospital and even in that time I was quite institutionalised. It will be probably a come down in some respects after looking forward to it for so long.

I think it is only possible to take it very slowly.

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 17:09

the carers start on thursday 4-7pm.

i havent met them, i dont know them, i dont want them in my home gossiping about my family life.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 08/08/2006 17:11

it must be a really hard situation to live with, just keep posting on here when things get too much. sorry not to be anymore help really

melrose · 08/08/2006 17:12

Yes, definitely shout and scream at us when it gets tough

robinpud · 08/08/2006 17:13

You have waited for this for so long , I have admired your courage but not posted. No profound advice other than to echo what others have said, but maybe Jerry Hall's comment about a wife in the kitchen and a slut in the bedroom could be used to suggest that you and Peter need some space in the house physically and mentally to rebuild your relationship as lovers. Other wise words.. naff but true, Rome wasn't built in a day. Give it time.
Good luck

MiloMummy · 08/08/2006 17:16

I don't post often but I just wanted to send love to you. I can understand you being confused. I hope the transition is as smooth as can be - there's bound to be some hic-cups and tears but you'll get there.

lilibet · 08/08/2006 17:17

What sort of things will Peter be able to do when he gets home Misdee? Is he bedridden, or does he have some mobility? What do your other dd's think about it?

LIZS · 08/08/2006 17:18

Will you also have nurses to care for him in and out all the time too ? . Your home is going to seem crowded and your space not your own any more. It is going to be a big adjustment for all of you , not helped by the knowledge that it will all go topsy turvey again . At least you are already conscious that it may not be straightforward.

dd went through a phase of not liking me and dh to cuddle so that may just be perfectly normal. Oh and sod MIL, this is your time too. If she wants to help perhaps taking the girls out for a few hours to allow you two some time together might be more fitting than directly caring for her son. Has she been able to spend much time with them outside the hospital environment recently ?

zippitippitoes · 08/08/2006 17:19

I think you may feel quite resentful of peter, it's hard to say. And he may be quite unresponsive to being home. I think developing a routine will be important, as he may appreciate it and need it as it's what he is used to and the children and you will have a better idea of when to expect attention and when not. Have you got friends who can take the children out?

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 17:20

he cant bend to pick things up, he cant do anything in the kitchen, cant do anything to help out housework wise. i am putting him on bedtime story duties to start with.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 08/08/2006 17:20

is he really wanting to come home..or is he worried too?

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 17:22

well the next week of full of appointments, friday we have to go to the local hospital for LVAD training there. thenb GP monday, then anti coag clinic.

24hour care needed. i feel totally overwhelmed. have to be in sight/hearing range at all times except when carers are in.

so so scared iut will all go wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 17:23

he wants to come home so much, and at least here its less chance of infections

OP posts:
fullmoonfiend · 08/08/2006 17:25

I sometimes feel like an eavesdropper when I see your threads, as you don't 'know' me but I always read and think of you and your family. Again, this is possibly the hardest bit still to come; adjusting to this new situation and each other again. Do you have a charity near you called Carer's Resource? They have a fantastic support network for all kinds of carers in all sorts of situations, offering practical and emotional support.
And it is important to be realistic, accept that him being home may throw up all sorts of issues for everyone. But you have been so strong so far, and you know how many people there are on here who are willing to lend an ear/shoulder to cry on and let you let off some steam!
Best of luck, love, light and laughter to you.

MatNanPlus · 08/08/2006 17:29

Oh Misdee,

My thoughts are withyou.

I feel it would be natural for dd3 to feel like that, she needs time to adjust but also needs to know that the 2 of you will cuddle and kiss and she needs to get used to it, it has not been a big part of her life like it was for dd1 and dd2.

Group hugs and special times maybe stories with daddy will help her along.

Sod MIL, you are great and don't doubt yourself about that.

It will be a big change for all of you and niggles will arise but there needs to be lots of talking to prevent small niggles becoming big niggles.

How often will you have the carers and will it be the same people?

How mobile will Peter be?

Maybe basic but if he is mobile then a run thru of the house and what is kept where and why, could help him feel settled and not such a stranger.

All the best.

Christie · 08/08/2006 17:56

This reply has been deleted

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